Sorry for disclosing my son’s condition | ADHD Information
In my mind there is a difference between diagnosis and labeling. What our children have are medical diagnoses or ADHD, BiPolar, etc. Labeling is what was done to my brother before we knew he has ADHD- stupid, lazy, obstinent, reckless, disruptive, bad. Labeling makes them worse, diagnosing them get them help.
I also think there is a stigma attatched to mental illness in our society. People feel threatened by things that they do not understand and the only way we are going to overcome this is by educating them. Don't hide the disorder from your son, it will only make things worse in the long term- he knows he is different and that other people's minds don't work the same way his does. The way I've always handled people approaching me about my bipolar stepsister was to educate them. I'd tell them what a great sister she was, but that there were things in her brain that were out of wack and she needs help from a proffesional and meds to balance things out so she can live her life. And trust me, she made 2 suicide attempts while I was in high school, so I got lots of questions. People were generally very understanding once I'd told them about it, although there were always a couple of jerks who would say stupid thing. But I just understood that they were idiots and it was their loss.
I've completely lost where I was going with this, but I hope that gives you some ideas at least.
I feel very strongly that children need to know that they are not their disorder. I mean, they are a person first and foremost. Then they are a person dealing with a certain disorder. If you can explain what the disorder is in impersonal terms, it can allow the child to relate to the disorder as something other than them. Bi-polar is a chemical problem with real and serious consequences, ones that the child doesn't choose, just like a height or race isn't a choice. It just is. This doesn't help with teasing (kids can be real sh**s to each other!) but it can help with self-esteem.First of all, you are a good Mom. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. I would like to hear how other parents feel about this, but I think your son should know every single thing that is going on with him. And telling him to deny it by saying, "What are you talking about" may make him feel there is something to be ashamed of. There isn't!!!! You son didn't ask for this anymore than a child born with a missing arm or leg.
Have you ever approached the school to get a speaker to educate kids (and teachers) about disabilities Downs symdrom, ADHD, crippled children, Bipolar, etc. Personally, I think every year the schools should take an couple hours discussing how to treat others even if they seem different. If you can't get the school to initiate it, how about you approach someone who would be a good speaker on the subject and then go to the school. Just a thought.
Bless you and please don't forget, you are doing what you think and thought best.
Oh, I forgot. I think you could use some hugs about now.
Hello everyone,
My son is 11 and he was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6. I wish I would have did things differently. Now that he is older the social problems of having an IEP have made his school life in Elementary very hard on him. ( I never hid his condition). So kids are cruel especially in the 5th grade. The special ed teachers would be very hard on him and the children within the classroom would see he was being pulled out for testing and had the extra help within the regular classroom. So, they started calling him RETARD. He is gifted academically but fails to stay on task, organize, attention seeking, all the other stuff. We have tried all the meds since 2nd grade and then we discover later at the winter of last year he may also be bi-polar. Well, I accepted the ADHD very well. But, I am having a problem with accepting the new label. The doctor says I just need to get my head around it. He is currenty taking a medicine that seems to be working well for him and has advanced to the middle school this year. He has had a child he never knew walk up to him and say "I hear you are ADHD and Bi-Polar? " He responded," What are you talking about?" I told him that is the way he should answer that question.
I feel if we would have kept this stuff secret he wouldn't get the negative responses from his peers and the label of having problems. It saddens me deeply
. I now have so much anxiety of what I thought was the right thing to do at the time , being the wrong thing for him. I had a friend tell me to just tell him he has nothing wrong and that he has grown out of this.(MIND OVER MATTER) and to tell him he is taking a vitamin. To empower him with positive feelings about himself. I really need some encouragement or advice as he is growing older and I want him to feel good about himself. I have even thought of moving just to get him in someplace where nobody knows of this. I am just heart broken and would love some feedback. As a mom you try to do what you think is right and the best for your child. I feel I have failed him. Will he start hating me for letting this stuff out as he grows older? Have I taken his normallity away from him? What can I do to feel better about me.....I feel awful.......
nonutkid
Hi nonutkid,
My heart goes out to you because I too have been in your shoes. I feel your pain. My son is 13 in 8th grade now, but back in 4 and 5th he really struggled. Like your son, my son tests in the gifted range IQ wise, but his academics don't reflect it because my son has severe problems with inattention, distractibility, and organization.
Here are my thoughts. I personally think at your son's age....they should be fully aware of their condition and you talk openly about it. Dr. Mel Levine (author of All Kinds of Minds and The Myth of Laziness) calls this the "de mystification" process. It is a very important step towards your child's acceptance of their ADHD. Without acceptance.....there is denial. Your child will never learn how to best use their strengths and compensate around their weaknesses if they are in denial.
With that said............ as a parent we must learn that we CANNOT define our children by their diagnostic labels. Labels are simply a cluster of behaviors that grouped together, have common symptoms. These kids are first and foremost our uniquely wired children who desparately need our love, support, and encouragement. We all agree on that.
Sit your son down and explain to him he is NOT defined by the ADHD or Bipolar label. Better yet........... your child might possibly benefit from therapy. If you cannot afford professional therapy....try to seek out community support through your local state health department, Easter Seals, or another non-profit that supports mental health.
Regarding the other kids....... IMHO... the kids KNOW just by your son's behaviors that he is wired "differently". They didn't need anyone else to point it out and either confirm or negate it. Kids are cruel at this age. My son went through the same thing.....and gets called retard, whacko, etc. It is heartbreaking, but our kids have to learn to deal with it.
In elementary school where your son is in a class with the same kids all day, the teasing is at its worse. In middle school, when my son started going to 7 different classes with 7 different teachers..... I found that there was less of that going on. Middle schoolers can be very mean too.....don't get me wrong, however, as your child gets older........ there is less and less emphasis to conform to only one "ideal"....kids start experimenting with their individualism.
Case in point...... lots of kids in middle school watch the show South Park. Now...I'm not going to debate the merits of that show pro/con....but I do remember all the kids talking about an episode where the "normal" kids were dissing an "ADD" kid. I was carpooling and listening to several kids talk about this episode. They were talking about which kids in school were ADD and it was really no big deal to them. They were MUCH more accepting of it than say.... kids would have been in 4th and 5th grade. Lots of kids at the middle school age openly talk about their ADHD....and you'd be surprised how many kids in middle school are being treated for it. My friends who have high schoolers say that by the time kids get into high school, they are even MORE accepting of kids who fall outside the "norm" (whatever THAT is!).
Sorry to ramble.....hang in there and don't bash yourself for being open and honest with your son. &n bsp; Okiemom
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