Backtalk | ADHD Information

Arrgggh!  That is one of our biggest issues as well.  I don't have any quick fixes, or we wouldn't still be taking DD to a Psychologist.

What they are having us do, and it is a SLOOOWWW process, but I am seeing good results some days is:

1. Most important, don't show any emotion (Get upset, yell, etc.) when he does it.  Our DD's Psychologist says that's DD's whole reason for doing it, to get us worked up.

2. Pick a consequence & stick to it faithfully.  So when DD mouths off, I say "It is NOT OK to speak to me that way.  This is your warning.  If you do it again, you will (insert consequence).  Then follow thru with the consequence if it happens.  It will happen... A lot, if your DS is anything like mine, because my DD's favorite thing to say next is, "So, I don't care"  Well, to me, that right there was back talk so off to her room she is sent.  I don't give a set time to stay in her room.  I tell her "when you are ready to apologize for speaking to me that way & you are ready to act like a polite member of this family, you may come out."  I never go in and ask her if she's ready, I just let her come out when she is, but she must offer a polite apology and then we discuss the situation....."Do you know why you were sent to your room?"  "Can you think of a better response the next time I ask you to do something?" etc.

It has taken months for her to realize I mean business and she will go to her room every time (or loose TV or whatever would work in your home), but finally the backtalk is subsiding some, on some days.  There are still days she will be sent to her room several times, but they are becoming less frequent finally.

Also, if there is too much in your child's room for him to enjoy, TV, computer, etc. choose a differant area to send him to, or tell him he may not watch/play while being punished.  Mine doesn't have that stuff, but I have told her she is allowed to lay on bed or read books only.  If I catch her with anything else...It is mine!

Good luck.

Mamabear

What's the best way to deal with backtalk? Any good suggestions? My son has to have the last word and it drives me nuts.

MamaBear is sooo right!

I used to yell and I would be the one that had to have the last word and my daughter now wants the last word..power struggle I guess you'd call it..which isnt the right way to go about it.

Her big thing is "cool,cool,cool", "I Am!","So,who cares"..etc. If I tell her to put a headband in,she'll put in a clip. If I tell her to wear her pink shirt,she'll wear the blue one,if I tell her tennis shoes would look nice with her outfit,she'll pick flip-flops..arrrrg! Yes,she can make her own decisions,but sometimes I like helping her out.

Her tv is now out of her room for backtalking. It has been out all week and I've noticed that she is spending more family time with us and writing/drawing/reading and playing outside..

When we used to send her to her room for not listening and/or backtalking..We'd say "Madelyn,go to your room and cool off,your going to your room because you______(fill in the blank). Yes,she probably knew at that time what she did,but we just re-inforced it. She'd go in there and watch tv..(when she had it in there) Kinda like sending a child to Disney. Now that the tv is out,shes cooperating much more.

I'd like to see how others are handling this situation.

Good Luck!

LOTS OF KIDS COULD CARE LESS WHAT YOU TAKE AWAY. I SLEPT WHEN SENT TO MY ROOM AS A KID. STUBBORN KIDS ARE SO HARD TO REACH THEY HAVE TO LEARN IT THE HARD WAYS SOMETIMES. I KNOW KIDS WHO WILL LAUGH AT THE PARENTS FOR ANY FORM OF DISCIPLNE. MONEY IS WHAT KIDS WANT TO GET WHAT WE PARENTS AND GP'S WON'T BUY. i SAY MANY KIDS ARE JUST BRATZ. OURS ARE  CAUSE YOU CAN'T SPANK THE GM'S. kIDS APPRECIATE NOTHING CAUSE THEY NEED TO BE TAUGHT WORK FOR IT TO GET IT. MY BATTLE IS GM'S WHO SPOIL THEM AND WON'T STOP IT. I THINK CLOSE TOE AND UNIFORMS SHOULD BE THE DRESS CODES.TO MUCH FUSS OVER LOOKS. EVERYONE IN THE SCHOOL MUST BUY FROM THE SAME COMPANY. SCHOOL FUNDRAISER WITH A SWOP CLOSET FOR THE REAL POOR.tHE COMPANY COMES AND FITS THE KIDS. I THINK STAFF SHOULD HAVE IT ALSO. TO MUCH FLESH SHOWING THESE DAYS. I just handle it the old-fashioned way---soap in the mouth. It works very quickly. My Daughter has no respect at all for me she talks back to me with foul bar room language F word and all nothing works soap in the mouth dos'nt work, taking toys does'nt bother her in the least she does'nt play with them! she still has brat dolls in the package from last Christmas she refuses to go to her room to watch tv she barely watches any anyway. She first lost privleges to her horse then finally i sold it! NOTHING WORKS!!! She refuses to read a book all she wants to do is pick on her brother and us, there is no doing anything without a fight last night there was open house at my Son's school so we went only to have her boss me around and want to look at his folders with his school work before me. I did'nt get to talk to any of his teachers or even enjoy myself at all. We have in home counseling 4 days a week she has now started talking to them like she talks to me still throwing fits on the floor, and finally after a year of this they have told me that they can't help her anymore and suggested a residental treatment facility! We took her on a tour of the residental treatment, and of the Juvenile detention center where they put a hell of a scare into her (only lasted 2 days) She is only 11 now and Im stuck on what to do she is a angel in school and the devils spawn at home! Any suggestions????? Foxdud38974.720775463I have tried every method. Time outs worked OK, I used a timer, he started at 5 minutes, the more he complained, it went up to 7 min, whined up 2 more min, on and on till he stopped. After a while of that, all I would have to say is you want more minutes and he would shut up. Taking things away is useless, spanking scrares the begeebies out of him, it really does no good though. When he starts talking back now, (he is on a reward system) all I have to say is "you want some marbles taken away" and he quits instantly. I also tell him to say Yes Maam instead of talking back. I tell him, when I ask you to do something, you don't say a word, it's YES MAAM and do it! He is learning very well now.....I have not had talking back in a few weeks.Tried it......tried it......and tried it.

Well I'm definitely not one to go back on my word. Today is his birthday and we're having to celebrate it tomorrow. Long story (sigh). I've taken all of his bday presents back and told him we'll try again tomorrow. It's been a very uneventful night.

What I find most challenging is when we're out in public .. say walking home from school (we have to take a bus). When we're home, it's much easier to handle but when we're out it's hard to find that consequence sometimes. I try to relate the problem with the consequence and that can be hard to do.

I explained to him that as of tonight he will be respectful and I explained to him what that meant. I also told him that anytime he backtalks, all I'm going to say is "backtalk" and he will lose his TV .. again, one has nothing to do with the other but I was pulling strings. I also told him that I'm not going to give him any warnings because he now knows exactly what I expect.

Hopefully this will work for us.

Me, too......Me, too....Me, too...Honestly, I've tried all that.  This taking all of his belongings is the last attempt.  We've had TWO doctors tell us a residential treatment center.  He's ELEVEN!!  He's just a baby!  I'm terrified that's what it will take.  Right now, he's pacing because I've taken all his things.  I told him I'm done, all done.  It's respect now, or nothing.  I just plain do NOT know how it got to this.  It makes me sick....

devotedtoyou.....LMAO! I'll be looking!

My daughter will say "I don't care,I didnt like that toy anyways"..Ohh,that just burns me! But I let on like I didnt hear her.

Yes,respect is what we all need. Good point.

These days kids have it all! I had a couple barbies,babies and a big wheel. I was happy as can be! Now my kids' have x-box,playstaion,tv,dvd,scooters,bikes,trampoline..blah,blah ...I'm the only one to blame(along with the grandparents and my husband).

Kinda OT but...My 12 year old and I were going through outfits and clothes today after she got out of the shower and I held up a cute shirt and she said" MOM,I can't wear that,it's from Target,people will know and I just can't wear that"!!! OMG! I didnt know what to say. I had plenty of friends in School and I wore walmart..LOL.

That's what I mean.  I wonder if WE have caused this.  If so, I'm about to try and get it fixed.  My son just walked in and wondered where his bike was.  I told him it was GONE, till he could start showing me some respect.  He went out the door and slammed it so hard I thought the glass would break!  Guess what?  He hasn't even BEEN upstairs yet and seen an empty room!!!  Are ya lookin' south yet?I am dealing with this too. Especially in the mornings. I totally agree that remaining calm is key and delivering a swift firm punishment each time she backtalks/argues is essential. We use the steps in our front hall for time out. Very boring place and not a reward. I also think it is important to tell them briefly why they are being sent to time out. I dissagree with the discussion part after time out. My son thrives on the negative payoff and would like nothing more than to engage me in a negative conversation about what happened and why it was not his fault. My theory is that after the time out is over, it is over. We move on. It is essential to NOT give warnings. As long as they are aware of the rule of no backtalk/arguing then there is no reason for warnings. Be firm, calm and consistent. Sooner or later she will get very tired of being sent to time out. I often remind him he is in control of his behavior. I am only the enforcer. Hope this helps!I normally take away a privilage like TV time and if she wants it she has to earn it back by doing a chore I give her to do or she has to show good behavior and I decide when she gets it back this way she has some say in it.  I do not tolerate it.Whatever I've done in the past for backtalking hasn't ever worked.  Today, after another horrible morning-before-school, I emptied his toy room and the garage of his things.  He will come home to a room that has nothing in it but a loveseat and a garage without a bike, football, basketball, scooter, skateboard, etc.  He can earn things back one at a time.  I'm fed up with all of it.  Unless someone can tell me he is severely mentally retarded, then he can understand the word "respect".  I get none.  If you look south about 3:30 central time, you may see a huge cloud when he blows up!

That's the age...11, 12.  I get called an idiot a lot...very embarrassing in public.  And a freak.  He likes that word.

And my son will lash out and hit if very mad..just my husband and I.  I do believe you can punish till you are blue in the face but it's so impulsive and the anger at that point is so out of control that they don't think of the consequences.  Kind of like a battering husband.

The best way is to learn when they are losing it and try to get them disengaged before that happens.  Either send them to their rooms or divert them somehow, change the subject etc.  The book The Explosive Child helps.

thanks mellowdancer for the advice.  Im glad im not the only one going thru this.  It is very embarrassing. Yes my son also hits when mad 2 he goes to anger management class but when hes in the heat of the moment he doesnt think about what he has learned.  I hope to read the book the explosive child soon

 

Thanks keep the suggestions comming ill try anything at this point

gcrazywannacome

gcrazywannacome (LOVE the user name), my son is eleven next month.  I know part of it is being a tween, but I'm so tired of all the excuses that WE have given for his behavior that I could throw up.  I KNOW he has problems, but nonetheless, I cannot live this way ONE more day.  I felt relief when I took all the energy to empty his room yesterday.  At least I felt like I was trying to DO something about it.  It was escalating and though he wasn't hitting me (yet), he was swinging towels and clothing at me and hitting me with it.  I felt like it was only a matter of time before it was something else.  This behavior is totally UNacceptable and intend to end it one way or another.  If I have to remove MYSELF from the equation, then I will do that.i can relate to you all here about the backtalking,  my son is so bad about it says he hates us were bad parents throws temper tantrums alot and nothing is working he calls us jerk, idiot, corrects me when i say something in a wrong way. cries, you give him attention ive tried to ignore the name calling he knows its bad but when he is in the anger phase he throws all reasoning out the window turmoiil, turmoil, turmoil when will it stop hes 11 acts like hes 2 alot of the times iv taken his ps away gets sent to room alot, did token reward system didnt work much help any suggestions to stop the angry behavior

devotedtoyou,

I also cleaned out my sons room about 4 weeks ago.  The only thing in there was his bed, chest nightstand and a few books.  He has slowly earned some things back and our mornings are going much smoother.  I still have to stay on him to get dressed, eat breakfast, brush his teeth, but I don't have the mouth.  Every once in awhile he will try to start, but I just tell him "Do you want to earn anything back?"  For now that is nipping it in the bud. Stick to your guns hopefully you will see results.