Embarrassed and Humilitated | ADHD Information

I found out the group does not get switched yet but her behavior plan for home and school has changed and rules got tighter.   I was told if this too fails then they will move her around sooner than yes another 3 weeks Arggggg.  She is being a stinker at school I posted what had happened in the basement.As far as spanking goes, I think you know what works for your child.
We have found that spanking doesn't work at all with our ADHD son,
but in some cases is effective with my daughter. Typically we give
one pop on the bottom per year of age. (Don't ask why, it's just
something we rationalized as structured spanking, lol).
I think all parents, ADHDers and otherwise, struggle with what
punishments are most effective.
The part of your post that struck a chord with me is the hall monitor.
Since all of this came to light about my son having ADHD I have
noticed everyone trying to "show" me how to parent when speaking
to my son. They have never come right out and said "You need to
control this child", but the underlying message is there and frankly
it's starting to piss me off. Do they not realize we would give a body
part to be able to calmly look at our children and say "enough" and
have that miraculous light shine through as they say "Oh, ok
mommy " ?! I'm sure that our children themselves would like it to
happen so easy for them!I am so sorry that you are having such problems now.  Lots of ideas have been  offered so I want you to know you have my good thoughts, support and hugs.  Hang in there.   I am sorry to hear that this happened to you.  I don't feel that you are a bad mother at all.  I agree with the others that what the hall monitor said was very inappropriate, and probably should be reported to the school.  What she said would have just added to your embarrassment!

I got us involved in the research study Ogram for the benefits we recieve from it like the free parenting classes, my child is recieving Socialization classes to help her.  This summer she will be involved in their structured camp which has shown to help many children with ADHD I wanted it this past summer but did not have 00 for it, this summer due to study it will be free.  They do all kinds of activities like a regular camp does but also a little academics so they do not lose the feeling of sitting in a classroom.  Each child involved gets more socialization help as well.  If they decide to use meds. they supply it so no copay and I did want to see if behavior mod would work alone and now I do.

  Inabox nothing else worked for the homework issue if you take away TV or computer she did not care she is adaptable will find something else to do.  If we cleaned out the house of all toys she will find something to do and nothing will affect her is why the last resort of the wooden spoon came to pass.

   As for the hall monitor I have been debating all weekend if I should say something or not to the principal.  The principal i feel would do nothing about it for when i had trouble last year with her teacher he took her side only and did not listen to me at all.  I may just leave it alone for this is her last year in that school.  It is weird where we are they go k-2 nd grade then they go to another school down the street from us from 3rd grade to 6 then a middle school then high school too many schools.  I did however tell  her teacher how I felt and what had happened when I talked to him.  She has 3 teachers and one of them I speak to once a week and he is real nice and is really trying to work with my child.  He is the special education teacher working with her and is so nice and keeps telling me to call anytime and is glad to have a parent so involved.

 

I know this may sound bad, but our son has done the same thing in the past.  One way to get their attention and to remain in control of the situation as best you can is to hold on to an earlobe.  Give a little pinch just like you used to see in the older TV shows.  It sound a little crazy but its a lot harder to old on to a kid by the arm and try and drag them around than it is to hold on to the ear.  By holding on to the ear and they want to pull away from you they actually cause a liitl more pain to themselves and eveatuallyn figure it out.  They may scream and yell but you still have the upperhand on them.  Be diligent in your efforts and know that you are not alone in this struggle.  It will get better. I promise.you are not a bad mom.... and remember that...jillette you daughters behavior sound so much like dillons... when ever i read your threads i say to myself oh my god that sounds just like dillon... i can't remember but is your daughter on any medications?

My girls behavior has been terrible her oppositional defiancy is on high and she has been not only defiant with me but her teachers as well.  It was reported to me she flately refused to do her work in school so my life has been a nightmare and I am glad after this week things may change.

Now to the part of my embarrassment and humiliation Friday my daughter insisted she wanted to bring a doll to school a big one so I told her NO for obvious reasons (she does not need help with distraction).  Anyways I dragged her from the car all the way to the door to the school building while she kicked screamed and threw me a nice tantrum.  I took her to a bench to try to calm her and talk to her when she was calming a bit I loosened my grip well she impulsively and with that strong will of hers bolted away from me and ran toward my car by the street.  I had to chase her while others watched me and when i was dragging her back and telling her after school she had a time out when we get home and I again got her calmed down a bit anyways the hall monitor came out and took my girls wrist and when I explained the deal to her she responded to me "you need to handle this better" and took my kid away from me leaving me there to cry.  I drove to work in tears and later that day I called the teacher to see how she was doing and her defiancy did follow her throughout the school day.  Argggg I am at my wits end.

Today I had her do her homework work she refused to do in school and she refused to do the work until I took out a wooden spoon and told her if she did not do her work and I have to count to 3 she gets a spank in the butt with it, mind you nothing else was working she could care less.  After the third spank with the spoon she actually did the work and I was left stressed out, taking privilages away she could care less so that was my last resort, am i such a bad mom?  I only swatted the butt 1 x each time one good one.

I'm so sorry, Jillette, I've been there, too.  You're in my prayers!

Oh, Jillette, I feel so badly for you and your daughter.  You both are miserable!  I hope you get some relief soon.  Very soon.  You two are getting locked in power struggles.  Somehow, you have to circumvent them.  They are so bad for your relationship.  You've read The Explosive Child.  What are in your baskets?  You don't have to answer that, just something to reflect on.

I can relate to the homework misery.  In my house I characterized it as a nightly WWIII.  Maybe you should consider getting out of the homework business.  Get her a tutor to do homework, or reduce the homework load.  The battle just isn't worth it.  She is just in 1st grade, after all.  I speak from experience, BTDT.  She needs a mom, not another teacher!    For us, the meds helped immensely.  We also got her help in the classroom to make sure she understood the homework assignments.  That was in 1st grade.  This year, not much homework, so zero battles.

I hope you find a way to decompress the situation.  I can feel the frustration, anger, and fear in your post.  Give yourself some timeouts the next time you get overly frustrated to have some time to cool off.  You're not a bad mom--just an overwhelmed mom.  Good luck and keep us posted.

PS: I would try and avoid using physical punishment at all costs. It's not worth it and it's not going to make any difference. You'll only find out later that you'll have to up the anti .. and then what?

Something I came across online as a disciplinary approach are these:

1) Offer choices.

2) Abuse it. Lose it. (non-verbal approach - just take the item away)

3) Logical consequence. (avoid delayed consequences as best as you can).

Today, my son and I had a great time but when we were heading home, it was one silly thing after another. Nothing big but constantly talking back. I have a new system (which kind of contradicts #3 lol) If he has good behaviour, when we get home I will tell him we can play air hockey. If he backtalks once, he loses TV privileges for the day;  backtalks twice; he loses his air hockey game; backtalk three times, I choose his activity which he'll be doing in his room. During the negative behaviours on our outtings .. I don't say a word. When we get home, I tell him what the consequences are. The first few times I tried this, I gave him warnings about the new rules. Now I don't have to and it's working like a charm. As we speak, he's in his room reading books and he hasn't made a noise yet.

My son doesn't have ODD so I'm not sure it this will help you any but maybe it will?

INaBOX38983.7751041667

[QUOTE=sheri.m]you are not a bad mom.... and remember that...jillette you daughters behavior sound so much like dillons... when ever i read your threads i say to myself oh my god that sounds just like dillon... i can't remember but is your daughter on any medications? [/QUOTE]

*No due to the research study we are involved in through the University.  I have to  hold on one more week before the groups get scrambled again for I feel she needs meds and behavior mod together.  I am trying to be patient for we are getting so much being involved in the study so hopefully after this week she gets switched to the group with meds.  She was on Concerta and Ritalin last year and did great.

 

i wish you luck..... i know how you feel.... 

You're not a bad mom. You're doing your best to keep things under control. When my son has a temper tantrum like that (very rare) I grab hold of his underarms from behind and carry him to where he needs to be. If he tries to drop to the ground, he physically can't because of this position. I also don't say a single word while I walk. Then I stop and say something like, "Can I hold your hand instead?" (he hates it when I hold him like this) If he says 'yes', I'll say, "what do we need to be doing right now?" (in your case, walk inside the school) and I remind him to use quiet voices and gentle hands and then at the count of 3, I hold his hand. We start all over again if he fights back.

Another suggestion for you .. next time, instead of saying NO, say it in a different way. ie: You may bring such-n-such toy (give her two options) for the car ride and then it stays with me (if you don't want her to bring it to school). If she's ODD she's going to retaliate with the word NO so it's best to avoid it all together unless it's a safety concern.

I've used these as substitutes:

1) Ask me later.

2) Convince me.

3) Delay it. ie: Q Mom can I have a candy? A Yes, after dinner when you've eaten all your vegetables.

I got these tips from a book .. Barbara C. Can't remember her name now. Good advice and it's worked.

I have to ask this, but don't think i'm trying to be rude or mean, because i'm not.  But, why are you doing the research study?  If she was doing fine on the meds, why would you want to take her off them.  I might be missing some thing.  I'm not sure that i understand.  That's all.  I agree with InaBox, I would avoid any physical punishment at all costs too.  That will just make things much worse for her and you.  I do feel for you.  This sounds so hard for the both of you.  that hall monitor needs a swift talking to, if you ask me.

Jillette,

I am so sorry this happened to you at the school, and I think you should address it with the principal.  If the principal has an idea what to do when your daughter is refusing to go to school, then let him/her offer it.  The hall monitor needs to keep her mouth shut.  You ARE NOT a bad mom.  Many  your way. 

I'm soooo ticked off at that hall monitor for you!!!!  Didn't you just want to say,"OH! That's the key! Thank you so much for straightening me out. What would I have done without that bit of advice? You should charge."   I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. You are engaged in your child's life and you care deeply about what happens to her: you are a good mom. Hang in there.

My son is also 6 and has ADHD & ODD.  It is extremely hard to deal with on a daily bases.  You get so tired of the battles and the spanks seem to work for that period in time.  That is why we do it for that quick result.  However, through therapy we have learned it only makes the problems with ODD worse, it builds there aggression and lessens their self esteem.  My heart goes out to all of us parents who struggle with this. My son is not on meds yet.  The doctors say under the age of 7 the results my not be seen as much as in older children.  There becomes a point in every ADHD/ODD parents/childs life when you can not sit by and watch your kid suffer like this anymore.  I hope if your daughter is put on meds she responds well.  If you ever need anyone to talk with let me know.

Best of luck

mom30

 

[QUOTE=ogram]you poor thing.  that's got to be hard on you and the entire family.  you really should mention the hall bully to the principal.  But that's my opinion.  How long will it be before they put her back into the medication group?[/QUOTE]

 

*This is the last week then next week it gets shuffled again and between the teachers and I it will be shuffled since it is not really working.

 I also do try talking to her when we snuggle for I believe she does not like it either although it is hard to tell.

Jillette38985.6661111111[QUOTE=Jillette]

  Inabox nothing else worked for the homework issue if you take away TV or computer she did not care she is adaptable will find something else to do.  If we cleaned out the house of all toys she will find something to do and nothing will affect her is why the last resort of the wooden spoon came to pass.[/QUOTE]

How about let her choose WHEN she wants to do it .. at night time or at 5am. I'll bet she'll choose night time (unless she's a procrastinator). Or, instead of taking away her toys and such .. GIVE her a consequence. If she doesn't do her homework in a certain length of time, give her a chore to do.

I can't relate with you because my son is only in grade one and he hasnt had the opportunity to have homework yet. Maybe my suggestions won't work .. I'm not sure. I've never tried them myself. I feel for you though and wish you the best with everything.

Jillette....... sorry to hear about this incident. Hugs to you.   It's so difficult when our kids tantrum in public places.  It just makes us feel like such horrible parents.  That comment from the monitor was way out of line and unprofessional.

I'm not familiar with your child's medication history, but you mentioned that she didn't behave this way on meds and was more controlled?   The research study sounds like it has great benefits, but I'm wondering if those benefits outweigh the price you are paying in having to go med-free.  Since it is a research study and very controlled, I'm assuming you have no influence over being put in the medication group?

I don't think I would be able to go it without the medication, especially knowing my child responded positively to meds and it improved the overall quality of life for him and our family dynamics.  For me, at some point,  I would have to consider whether or not I had to stop the study.

Good luck.  Maybe you'll get lucky and be rotated into the medication group and will find a combination of meds and behavior therapy that works.

Okiemom

you poor thing.  that's got to be hard on you and the entire family.  you really should mention the hall bully to the principal.  But that's my opinion.  How long will it be before they put her back into the medication group? hello jillette

have you ever (when she is not tantruming or upset but when she is happy) tried to talk to her deeply about how she feels when she loses it?  i am fascinated by brains and psychology - and i suppose that is because my brain doesn't work quite normally too. 

i suppose she doesn't really like it so much when she loses it either - (i don't know, she might like it, she might not).  i know when i lose my temper and really let someone have it, i feel angry as i am doing it and sorta good but about 0.7 seconds after it is all over --- i feel DREADFUL.  i really wish i hadn't done it.

i often see things in terms of the damage it is doing to ones soul, i guess too.  and every time she loses her temper it's only damaging her in the long run... 

i can't remember how it was described or who said it exactly but it was about getting a 'clear mind' - they said every time you get angry it's like causing a wave in the pond of your brain and with succesive waves, you eventually create a ridge in the sand at the bottom and that ridge becomes a permanent part of your character - unless you can counter that wave with one going the opposite direction, one of love or peaceful thoughts etc. etc. or better yet (when one is seriously advanced) have no waves and no ridges but a clear, still pond of calm, serene water on a flat bed of sand.

if she could understand that it is not because of the material things that will be taken away or the privileges or the telling offs that she will get but for a deeper reason that together you want to work on controlling her anger - maybe that would help.

maybe not.  i don't know.  i don't know anything.  i DO know that i was the opposite of your daughter in almost every aspect (i was a total people-pleaser and very biddable) except for the fact that you could have taken every thing away from me too and it just wouldn't have bothered me ONE iota.  i am fine on my own!  with my own thoughts and my own self - always have been.  i don't need anything.  and i don't care about things either.

but i feel for you.  i feel for your little girl. 

it will all pass.  she will turn out great - i am sure of it.  she is so strong!  how could it be otherwise.

i know you won't give up - and i know that deep down she really appreciates that and she knows that you love her unconditionally and that you will do all you can to help her.  it will be fine.

i think the hall monitor just doesn't understand - that's all.  and that's her issue.  i am sorry she made you feel bad.  you could mention it to the principal so that he can try to explain how her actions are coming across - or you could tell her yourself but sometimes people can't really hear it....
good luck with everything!  i think the whole university study sounds AMAZING - what luck to have that.






chjones38984.6787152778

Jillette,

I am sorry you are having a hard time and hopefully you will get back to the medication group...

You may want to consider dropping the homework...is it doing any good other than upsetting your house?

Good luck, I am sorry that hall monitor was so rude to you.

Thanks mom30, I spoke to the psychologist for the study as well as our regular psychologist tonight.  The psychologist we have gave us some ideas and the one from the study told me to call him tommorow.

I am really sorry....I certainly don't think you are a bad mom for spanking her with the spoon.  I have used my hand but I totally understand feeling desperate and spanking in hopes that it will work.  When I was a kid, IT WORKED!  Of course I wasn't ODD or ADHD, but it worked back then and I have used it myself.  So no judgements here :)  Sometimes we make poor decisions in the heat of the moment so don't feel guilty about it.

I really don't have any other advice for you besides calling the principal about that hall monitor.  Seriously.  Stand up for yourself and your daughter now that you have had time to get yours wits about you :)