New Here: ADHD Teen Daughter | ADHD Information
Hello...I'm new (thanks, Tammy for recommending this group).
I am the mother of a 15 yr. old ADHD girl. Fortunately, we are beyond the testing, treating and experimenting stage, but his has been a long, 10 year road! We've hit every parental milestone, I think: teachter/administration complaints, denial, psychiatrist, pediatrition, psycho-educational testing, anger, medication trials and errors, CHAD, books and tapes and so on.
We have now settled in on prozac daily and ritalin on as as-needed basis, usually only a few pills/wk. I know that everyone's best medical routine is different.
Here is something I think is important: in spite of years of "work" on this condition, I believe the factor which has helped the most is simply time! As our daughter grew older, she became more self-aware and better able to manage and accept herself. I hope that offers hope to any parent that feels like they just can't find the key to the puzzle of their ADHD child.
After many years of academic, behavioural and social struggles, our daughter is managing her schoolwork with the help of a tutor that comes to our house regularly, and has a few friends. She is still immature for her age (her best friend is a year younger), always looks messy (despite motherly coaching!), and tends to be goofy and forgetful.
My biggest challenge is my disappointment (and my guilt for feeling it!). My husband and I have adjusted our expectations intellectually, but does one ever really do that in their heart?
We also have a 12 yr. old daughter who is perfect by comparison. That's another challenge...not the love, but to "like" each equally, to give each what they need, and not to compare (in my own mind, of course). Even thought she is managing under my (over-protective?) supervision, I worry about how she will function on her own. She is *very* forgetful, naiive, silly...I'm afraid of her finding more trouble as she earns more freedom. Sometimes people, especially girls her age, can pick up quickly on the fact that she's "different". That can be problematic.
I would love to connect with parents of teen ADHD girls...they are in a class by themselves! I always think if ADHD as a grey area in our society, with girls living in the lightest shade of grey!
Sincerely,
Laurie
Hey Laurie,
I have a daughter, now 9, who is ADD (inattentive). I taught elementary school and have my master's degree in special education. I LOVED teaching children with "differences"; however, when it became MY child, it is very different! I, like you, am disappointed. Although I know a lot about these children and could have realistic "goals" for my students, I have a hard time letting myself think that a "C" is OK, as long as she has tried her hardest. Then, I feel guilty! I think, I ought to be glad that I'm dealing with this instead of a life threatning disease or something worse.
I have told my husband since she was 2, that I thought that she was ADD. When she was not progressing any in 1st grade - could not learn to read, pay attention (although she was well behaved!) - I had her tested. She knows she is ADD and it does not bother her (now). She took several meds. for 1 1/2 years - concerta, ritalin, adderall - and we never found the right match. I really just gave up. The side effects were not worth it. Since then - 1 1/2 years ago - she has really just "coped" and is doing well. She knows that she has to pay attention more closely. She wants to sit in the front of the class because she can pay attention better. She is going to make it through on her attitude, dilligence, compassion for others and personality. Sometimes those good qualities are hard for me to find in the dark hole of ADD!
Our biggest struggle now is homework/studying. She gets frustrated/irritated with me and I get irritated with her! She does have a tutor. Her talking back to me has always been a struggle. It is better. The more I have talked with people, they say that a lot of times, these children feel so frustrated all day - in every other situation - and those who are the closest to them are the ones who get the mouth (because they feel comfortable).
I am worried about the years ahead of us. I too have a younger child (3) who does not seem to show signs of ADD. He is totally different from the way she was at his age.
I don't have a daughter, I have a 13yo ADD inattentive son. I want to tell you about what I saw in him beginning this summer. Maturity. I saw my son take on responsibility and fulfill it. I have been nagging and pulling and pushing my son toward this for years, and suddenly this summer it was like it all sank in and made sense! Don't discount something like this happening to your daughter and nurture every sign of adultness. It really came together for us this summer and then ds started the daytrana patch on the day before school started.Go to the ADHD Issues in Schools board and look at the post about "summer programs for high schoolers" by jfla2. In fact, watch for her posts to just about any subject because she has a 17 yo ds that she's shepherding toward college and independent life with a lot of success! HTH!
I am new here and have a 17 y/o dd. It sounds like my dd was a lot like yours. She still has some issues with getting her homework back to school and TURNED IN, but she is doing much better than before. SusieB is right, time works wonders. My daughter now is responsible for calling and talking to the Dr. when she needs script refills, she is MUCH more attentive to her appearance, and she is working on making friends. She still interacts much better with younger kids than with students her own age.
Our disappointment stems from the fact that she is SO SMART! It is very hard for us (and her) to see kids sail through school, while she struggles so much and watches her GPA go lower and lower. I also couldn't bear the fact that she did not ever have many friends, when she is really such a wonderful girl. I could really talk all day; I have no one else I can really talk to about this.
Thank you Suzann, Susieb, and enkmom. I really appreciate your posts.
It's nice to know that maturity does arrive in its own way for the ADHD teens. I think we can take some credit too, for keeping them "on the rails". The teen years are hard enough, but when your teen has had a history of academic and social troubles, they have to mature almost *in spite* of the past, instead of as a result of past successes.
Suzann, I sent you a pm.
susieb - didn't you just love that moment when you realized your son was "growing up", and "growing out of" some limitations? Small changes are huge when you think of where it *could* have gone if it weren't for all the struggle! I know those moments...its like you're seeing glimpses of them as a more mature, higher functioning person, and your hopes for their future get a real boost! Sometimes the new maturity just flickers and its not consistent, but once you've seen it, you know they can get there!
enkmom - you're post really encouraged me. I love that your daughter handles her own issues with the Dr and meds and that she had become more attentive to her appearance! You must enjoy seeing your dd take more pride in her appearance. I think it means more than just wanting to look attractive. It means she likes herself, and I think its also an expression of optimism...you've done something (many things :) right! I am really looking forward to one day looking at mine and not thinking "yes, I bought her nice clothes, and I have always coached with grooming and style, but the truth is, she really looks goofy). She still exudes that X Factor that , to me at least, makes her look "off". The hair's always messy, the fresh clothes are dirty again, she forgot lipbalm and the lips look dry. Maybe its also the walk and the look on her face...she just seems to exude "goofy" Maybe the world isn't seeing all the negative that I am... I'm probably looking through hyper critical eyes in this regard.
And yes, the grades...especially if poor grades are completely foreign for your family, are very frustrating! I know that and I, too, could go on and on with no one to turn to. Our daughter squeaks by, and had to repeat science 9 in the summer. Countless hours of expensive tutoring, just to be mediocre! No, she won't be going to university. enkmom - yes my dd also interacts much better with younger kids, and plans on working in a daycare. This is a profession I never thought would be good enough for one of my children (can you hear the hautiness in my voice? There's not much room for snobbery in the ADHD parent's life! ha ha). I even worry if she will make it to highschool graduation and be able to get her Early Childhood Education Certificate! The expectation adjustment still stuns me after all these years! What are your daughter's plans?
enkmom - do you worry about the future, now that dd is already 17? I worry about how mine will manage her life as an independent woman, with all the remembering and organizing that is required by real life. She has lost many things, I have to remind her to take her lunch every day...etc. etc. I get so tired of having the minutiae of a 15 yr. old's life on my mind! I feel like I should have earned some freedom from that, but of course, life isn't fair, is it. The ADHD girl has an invisible, often unacknowledged "difference", which, at best, puts them at a disadvantage, and at worst, in harm's way. What about when she's 19 (legal age), or in her twenties and moved out? Will she lose her wallet and keys regularly, get involved with the wrong people? How far will time take us as far as improvement?
I hope we will all continue to communicate and offer each other insight. When I previewed this post, I realize I come off as a critical complainer. I guess I just have a lot of pent up aggravation about the whole situation, but, like all of us, I'm working on being more positive because I know its important. I think its just that there aren't many venues where one can really vent about this subject. Vent, vent vent! 'Feeling a little better now :)
-Laurie
Hi Laurie,
I have 16 year old twins and both are inattentive adhd. One of the girls is more mature than the other she has always been. One acts older than she is and the other acts younger than the she is. One girls sounds alot like your daughter she has come a long way and has been on the same road as you for 10 years also. Both have accepted it probably better than I have. 8 years ago I found myself pregnant again I knew from the begining he was also adhd. How I knew this he was active before he was born?
One of the girls works harder than the other on school work and sometimes gets alot of flack from the girls at school because she tries to better her self. The other is the social butterfly at school. It is difficult to deal with sometime because we praise one for school work and the other does what she need to get by.
Hi,
Im new here too and have a 14yr old ADHD daughter (and a 10yr old Add son.) Your experiences with your daughter sound exactly like mine........I too believe that time and growing self awareness have been the biggest factors in her development. Like you we have had to revise our expectations.
I have the following on my kitchen wall, which I find quite helpful.....
I BELIEVE that being the parent of a child with a hidden handicap is the most important and challenging job I will ever have. In the few years I have to help her mature, I will always attempt to instill in her a deep knowledge of her innate worth as an individual and never measure her behavior or scholastic achievement by any other child. I WILL strive to always remember that this child is operating under great pressure and much frustration; therefore, I will not reject her outbursts as being abnormal or unrestrained misbehavior. I will recall the many times she has been loving and kind and try to overlook the incidences when there is overt hostility. And then I will try to help structure her world so that frustrations might be lessened and she will feel more secure. I WILL have endless patience when directions are not followed at the first command, and when some rule or concept is forgotten or misunderstood. I will not expect perfection. I will be aware of and grateful for every small improvement she makes. THROUGH the trials which I may face each day, I will always remember that this child did not choose to be different and that she would, if possible, gladly be "normal". However, since she is different, she deserves special understanding, patience, acceptance, and love. She's my child, and it is my right and my duty to guide her in finding fulfillment in life.
I want to add that I have an ADHD son...high school senior almost 18, LDs in reading and writing, dysgraphia and gifted (borderline). Diagnosed at seven we've done medication, tutoring, coaching and lots of pushing , pulling, redirecting and letting go. I copied a post of mine, "Good News!!!" from this summer.
"Over the years, I often wondered if ds would ever be able to do a variety of things that challenge ADHDers. As he got older, he would assure me not to worry and that while he was not doing it now, he would be able to in the future...and then later he would remind me by saying "Remember when..."
In a couple months he will be 18, a high school senior. I have seen great changes this summer that continue to give me confidence in him.
The most remarkable is that it seems the hyperactivity seems to have just about disappeared. Probably due to physical maturity, he appears to be one many that go from ADHD to ADD with adulthood.
The other change is in responsibility and independence. We sent him this summer to a month long summer program far from home to try living away in a college environment. The experiment was a success. He was able to wake up and get to class on time, manage his medication, make friends, keep his room somewhat orderly, weekly do his laundry in between classes, manage money and problem solve for the variety of issues that came up.
When put to the test I think he passed with flying colors and the added bonus is the confidence I see in him...and for me to do him the honor of letting go of my skepticism and showing confidence in him."
I also posted this in the "College and ADD" thread with comments regarding advocacy and a Running Start program he has started. You may want to check that out.
My hope is to encourage other parents to have faith that inside their youngster is a very capable person waiting to come out.
jfla238989.726099537jfla2 - thanks for your post. You are so right about what really matters - its the parent-child relationship, not the extraneous nonsense.
I do have that in perspective, yet struggle at times with the internal dialogue. In the end, we are a close family, and tend to see a lot of humour in the ADHD related behaviours and situations. My post above are thoughts that I would never verbalise beyond this forum, and are within the context of what is actually a close relationship with my daughter. They were meant to be a humorous depiction of the plight of the ADHDer's parent, when faced with "that public situation". We all have our vanities, but rest assured, I don't let mine interfere with my interaction with my daughter. I offered the above post as a sample of the worst of such a scenario. It in no way typifies our family dynamic.
I am so inspired by your son's story of maturity! Its encouraging to know that time can ease the symptoms which are so worrisome in elementary school. I can relate to your experience with your son at the summer program; we sent our daughter to camp for 2 weeks and it was a success, as well. I really was expectiing a call from the camp with some sort of crisis, but that call never came, and the report (from both our daughters), was that everything went smoothly!. This was her first year away at camp, because I knew she wasn't ready before this, ( I doubted her readiness this year, but at 15, it was her last chance). Mind you, the camp dispensed the medication, but still...so much could have gone wrong!
I'm happy for you that your son has surpassed your expectations. Good news like that always spreads hope! It must be a relief to see much of the dysfunction fall away as he becomes a man! I think you must have been supporting his success in a practical and loving way all along, even if you privately wondered if he would be able to make it through various milestones which challenge the challenged.
My daughter doesn't have really hight expectations for herself, (as your son perhaps did) because thus far, her grades have not been university standard and she has had to take some modified courses. In our family, its my husband and myself that have to try to set her expectations higher and then we say "we told you you could do it!" We always try to paint a picture of how a successful adulthood can look for her (based on challenges we believe she can achieve). We want her to see her potential the way we describe it, because school experiences have really knocked the wind out of her self-esteem.
I am looking forward to seeing the positive changes that reveal themselves as our daughter makes her way to becoming a senior like your son. I hope I will be as pleasantly surprised as you!
This thread kind of reminds me a bit of my sister while we were growing up and my mom's concern of embaressment for a variety of issues. Now at 60, my sister has a number of issues she's dealing with in therapy relevant to her perception of mom's support or lack of it. They are beginning to work at communication issues but barely able to tolerate emails from each other.
Be there now for your kids. Years from now you will still have a relationship with your kids but probably not the the people who happened to be the general public when embaressing acts occured long ago. Let the public fade into the background and respond to your children's needs leading them to a successful life ahead.
Hi doriss49, and other readers,
Its kind of funny (when you're not in the middle of an upsetting situation). My thought patterns often go like this when my daughter acts or says something a little strange in public:
- who else heard or saw that? Oh, I'm sure they all noticed.
- what did they think...no, I know what they thought...that was strange.
- I kind of want to excuse her by telling witnesses that "she has ADHD, after all"
- but I don't have to explain anything! Why should I? Its nobody's business!
- I'm embarassed...they're probably wondering if I'm embarassed (I'm not
showing it)..they're probably wondering if I know my girl did or said an
odd thing, that she's maybe kind of an odd kid ...how did I raise her and what
kind parent am I...maybe I'm odd too!
- Now I'm ashamed of my embarrassment; that's my child, after all, and she
is the way she is! I should be proud and supportive and not give a * ***what
other people think! I resent those people and their potential thoughts!
- Now I'm embarrassed, ashamed of my embarrassment, and feeling sorry
for myself that I've had to run this inner script so many times!
- Now I'm mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself, after all, so many people
have worse situations...I have to get the hell over it! That's life! (and other
cliches).
Meanwhile, my daughter hasn't even realized the moment and has moved on!
Thanks for your thoughts! I don't get teens today. They don't seem to want to work. They seem less mature than us teens from the 70''s. Teens think parents are a maid service these days. They want money but no work. We know SE people require more help. Our teen isn't a SE kid. We have said no cars until you can pay the ins. our kids.
Hi Flaxen,
Thanks for your comments...its good to know we are not alone here in going through this...I agree wholeheartedly when you say.."Unfortunately, there's really no special understanding for them anywhere else, so it even more important for us to provide it in abundance."
It is indeed sometimes very hard to remember the creed, when it seems like all hell has broken loose...
Someone once told me that having a teenage girl is gods way of showing "normal parents" what its like to live with an adder....I think it takes a very special parent to be the parent of such a special child.
Your quote......."As parents, we are looking at the big picture of life, with all the societal and personal expectations that we've been exposed to or developed, while our children are living in more of a microcosm of their own experiences, which hopefully includes support, optimism and encouragement from us (even if we're sometimes faking it!) So it makes sense that they feel stronger and more optimistic about themselves than perhaps we do about them. Its the way we want them to feel, and I guess we should follow their example, and think the way they do!".......
is one of the most profound things Ive heard lately...It verbalises my vague feelings that just recently Ive been learning as much from my daughter, as she has been getting from me.
I too sometimes worry about the impression we make to other people, especially since her behavior is not always what people expect from someone who looks so much like a young lady.
However after a recent particularly bad "incident" in an airport, it wasnt the general public who reacted judgementaly, but her own Grandfather, (my Dad). So i have come to realise that education begins closer to home.
There IS one thing though, Life is never dull with an Adder.
Hi twingle9098,Thank you for your post. Having twins with ADHD, yet each with distinct differences from each other must be very interesting! And challenging as a parent! Each has their own strengths, so one will excell more at school, and perhaps end up with a more academic-type career, and one will always be popular and her social skills will help balance out any lack of academic inclination. I totally understand about the puzzle of helping each to be their best - praising without comparing...its so hard in the tight quarters of a family unit!
It struck a chord with me when you said that your girls are probably more accepting of the circumstances than you are. I think that's true with us, too. As parents, we are looking at the big picture of life, with all the societal and personal expectations that we've been exposed to or developed, while our children are living in more of a microcosm of their own experiences, which hopefully includes support, optimism and encouragement from us (even if we're sometimes faking it!) So it makes sense that they feel stronger and more optimistic about themselves than perhaps we do about them. Its the way we want them to feel, and I guess we should follow their example, and think the way they do! Easy to say, right?
Hi doriss49; thank you so much for that quote from your kitchen wall! It made my cry. I don't know if I can live up to that oath. At times I do, but not consistently, especially within my own thoughts. The term "hidden handicap" focussed where much of my frustration lies. Yes, its the "hidden handicap"...the private misery...the wondering if other people are wondering:
"what exactly is wrong with X? She doesn't do well at school (she even failed science 9 last year!) and she acts and looks a bit off...such a shame *feeling superior while thinking or saying this*...she comes from such a nice family!"
Well, you can't (and certainly don't want to) go around explaining to everyone that actually, your daughter has a disorder! Some wouldn't believe it or understand it, most wouldn't care, some would feel sorry for you and/or her; its lose/lose!
So we privately adjust our expectations and are ashamed of our shame! (I'm speaking only for myself, of course).
I am going to print out and keep that oath. Its touching and true that they did not chose to be this way and that they *deserve* special understanding, and that it is our right and duty to provide it. Unfortunately, there's really no special understanding for them anywhere else, so it even more important for us to provide it in abundance.
I think that much of my frustration comes from how I imagine the outside world judges my child, and how it will judge her as an adult (not knowing that she indeed, has a hidden handicap). But of course, that is my problem to work on. The expectations and opinions of the outside world should have no place in my acceptance and support of my daughter as she is.
[QUOTE=jfla2]This thread kind of reminds me a bit of my sister while we were growing up and my mom's concern of embaressment for a variety of issues. Now at 60, my sister has a number of issues she's dealing with in therapy relevant to her perception of mom's support or lack of it. They are beginning to work at communication issues but barely able to tolerate emails from each other.
[/QUOTE]
Hey jfla2,
I feel I have to defend my self just a little bit to this...
I have to re-iterate that all this occurrs on the inside! I try to offer only constructive criticism to my daughter and only when necessary. What I go through in my mind, is simply struggling with my own human failings. Intellectually, I know how to handle the situation, but being human, my vanities, disappointments, insecurities etc. do pop-up (and I do my best to swatt 'em down!).
I'm certain your comments were meant to be helpful but I don't appreciate being compared to a family in which the mother's "concern of embarrassment" caused her daughter to have to go into therapy.(!). I don't have concern of embarassment...I am embarrassed, and often. But those are feelings...I don't allow my behaviour to be damaging to my child.
Flaxen 115,
I have not checked the message boards in a while! Last week, we were BOMBARDED with school work! I just wanted to comment on your internal feelings you described above. I have internal dialogue with myself, too, about my daughter. I also NEVER communicate the thoughts to anyone (especially her).
It is an endless cycle. You go through situations like yours, are embarrassed and/or mad, and then guilt sets in for feeling that way about your own child. Although I try SOOO hard, I am scared that my daughter is going to feel like I do not accept some of her "ways". It is so hard! That is what these children need the most is acceptance. Sometimes I am so frustrated with her (for example, homework time or doing just "stupid" things that she knows she should not do) that I have to take myself away from her for a while to get my mind calmed. Then I feel badly - like she thinks I cannot stand it.
I think that those of us who really try to do the right things with our ADD children feel this internal struggle because we do not want to let it out and hurt them.
I also feel like something is wrong with ME, too at times.
Suzann