how can i help him? | ADHD Information

hi i'm new to this site but needed to vent somewhere... my son has mild to moderate adhd with mild asberger's (at least that is what a psychiatrist that met with him for about a half an hour diagnosed him with) i am absolutely certain he has adhd as for the asberger's i can only say he seems to fit as far as the research i read about. that being said he is not on any medication ... he is already fourteen years old. he has trouble (to say the least) socially. he is teased and does not seem to understand how to "fit". i have watched him try to get along with children for some time now and he ends up saying all of the "wrong" things blurting into others' conversations and basically getting rejected. he acts very immature for his age. he was in counseling for three years that just recently ended because his counselor moved away and did not have hours that fit my schedule. i am looking for another one. he did not receive any benefit other than being able to vent his feelings ... he needs a place to learn social skills. right now he is very depressed and i have an appointment for him with his primary doctor to schedule a consult with a psychiatrist in order to address his depression. i stay close to him. he doesn't want to leave the house in fear of being seen by kids from school. it has become unbearable. i am beside myself with stress. his self-esteem is so very low. i talk to him all the time. i attempt to give him a place to go to vent. i find myself exhausted from listening to his negative talk, and all of the things he is facing at school. sorry for the long summary. just wondering if anyone at there has faced similar problems?Hi Noreen,

I hear you.  We have a 15 yr. old ADHD daughter and have had a long road to finding an equilibrium  - see my post at :

http://www.adhdnews.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=22468& PN=1
called New Here: ADHD Teen Daughter

As you know, your son really needs a full asessment, which I see you have coming up.  That will open up the doors for you to

1) begin experimenting with appropriate medications, if you so choose
2) notify his school of his diagnosis and get an individual education plan and as much  understanding as you possibly can  from his teacher and the administration

I don't know if you are hesitant to put your son on meds, but if he is professionally diagnosed, you may find yourself ready to "just do it".  My husband and I were in denial and "against meds" for too long, and the years of academic and social troubles certainly took their toll on our daughter's self-esteem.  After many years of struggling with this issue, (even after clear diagnosis), a new pediatrition finally said to us "if your child was diabetic or had some other illness, you wouldn't withold medication, would you?  That would be neglect, wouldn't it..."  Well we were kind of insulted by this, but this was a well-respected older specialist who had seen many kids like ours.  Our daughter was 9 yrs. old.  We were kind of at a crisis with school/behavior/friends and we just took the plunge.  The truth is that medication helped our daughter enough at school to stop the domino effect of failure, poor self-esteem. poor behaviour, leading to more failure.

The meds were not perfect, and there were side effects.  But they were the turning point for our daughter.  Since then, there have been much experimentation and we are settled into what works best for her.   Indeed, time itself, the the resulting maturity has done much to ameliorate the disorder.  But back then,  our experience was that counselling and"better" parenting didn't really have a chance to work intil she went on the meds.  The meds kind of helped her "stand back" and become more self-aware and self-correcting.  That can happen with your son;  behaving better with people will just be learned by trial and error once he is in better control of his symptoms.  Then he will start to experience some social successes which will build his confidence and lead to more success, and hopefully, less anxiety.

Our daughter has also had issues with sever anxiety, which I believed were caused by the years of academic and social trouble (therefore low self-esteem), and exacerbated by the stimulant medication.  If you are interested in how we dealt with that, you can pm me.  I would be happy to speak with you further. I don't want to seem overbearing here.

My long-winded point is that we are okay now, totally out of crisis mode, and the whole long journey began with a professional diagnosis...so you are on your way!

Be hopeful, because there is hope!

-Laurie

Hi,

My heart goes out to you and your son. My son was diagnosed with ADHD late last year.  I think my husband and I knew it for a long time before.  I have posted here before, that I refused to medicate him because he was doing so well in school that I thought meds were not necessary.  I never explored the social componant and how that affected his self-esteem.  It hit my husband and I on the head and we realized that he was going downhill in his mental health.  Very sad.  So, I don't know if meds are in your future but please don't be afraid. If the professionals told you he was depressed would you withhold meds? Probably not, we are much more accepting of antidepressants but they also carry risks.  Please keep an open mind and you must be a great mom because you are exploring all the avenues to help your child.

Good luck  

Thank you for your responses. I have been very overwhelmed, being a single mom and with no support from school, family, or my ex-husband. I am very grateful for your shared experiences. I do feel many feelings regarding this issue. Guilt, fear, deep sadness, anger,...etc. Also, I don't think most people are educated regarding this diagnosis at all. Many people (even my friends) when the dx is mentioned roll their eyes, and just say things like: he will grow out of it (which is stupid now that he is fourteen and doesn't seem to be growing out of it "none" too soon), or kids are just mean, he is simply a sensitive kid, with regards to his lack of social skills. Yes, I do think it is widely overdiagnosed, but I know my son "fits" all of the classic s/s. There are so many things to explain. My brother was injured by a med. He took Accutane as an adolescent for painful/disfiguring cystic acne and became severly depressed and then suicidal. Drugs especially powerful drugs frighten the "hell" out of me. I started to research them, and became more afraid. Then, when I was just about to succumb to trying the med., I came across a Tai Kwon Do school who had a rep for helping children with self-esteem issues, especially ADHD children without meds. It was in the paper. I sent him (and wasted more time) and found no change in him. I will be getting a full eval. of him this week, and I will look at the option again. Give me strength!!! Thanks again. P.S. I love my son. I want to do what's best for him.

You did not mention whether or not your son is medicated. My son is younger, only 9, however, he has been on medication since the age of 6 (end of first grade). He had a horrible time of it socially and it broke my heart. It took us over a year to get the right brand of medication, as well as the right dosage. He sees a psychopharmacologist who works the meds. with us. He is doing better, however, your comment about social cues is very common of adhd'ers, and of aspbergers kids. You definetly need to have a complete evaluation done on your son and need to start medications, your saving his life, which is what I feel that I have done! I also put my son into activities that he was good at for his self esteem, like chess lessons for example. He excelled and it made him feel good about himself. Don't be afraid to google Ty Pennington, the host of extreme home makeovers, he has adhd and really talks about what he went through, and how medication helped him. He said on a show i saw that with adhd comes depression, they have the hyper ups,but also the downs, it is part of it. But remember this, look how successful Ty is, as well as the owner of the Jet Blue airline, he also has adhd!!  Your son has a future, he just needs a little help from you right now.  You are so awesome to always talk with him, I do the same with mine. I think it is great that he does talk and doesn't hold it in!  You are blessed. Please keep us informed with your posts - remember he needs a complete psychological evaluation from a qualified professional.  By the way, how are his grades, you didn't mention school work, my son is on an IEP we have speech delays and sensory integration as well.

I hope I am of some reassurance!! It is a tough battle, but my son is so worth it, like I think you feel about your's!

 

Hang in there,

 

Beth

Hi Noreen,

So sorry you and your son are having such a hard time.  I suggest you look into finding a social skills class or group...ask at school or the special ed dept of you district. Another place to look for such a group is through an occupational therapist...the OT my son goes to has several groups for various age levels ( we are not it one at the time but I know it is an option if I need it later) another suggestion is to get him into a group that supports his favorite hobby or pasttime boy scouts is an option if you talk to the the leader first and monitor him there until you are sure it is a good group.  

Hang in there