Please Help !!! | ADHD Information

Can someone help or advise this forum member ?
She needs answers to her 6 questions at the bottom.
Please read this :

Joanne59
Newbie

Avatar

Joined: September 17 2006
Posts: 5 Posted: September 17 2006 at 9:30pm | IP Logged

Background: My husband had undiagnosed problems as a child. In the 50's no one had heard of nor was testing in general being done in schools. Husband was considered "quiet and shy". He constantly fidgeted with his fingers on both hands. In school he was passed along graduating with his class with a D average.

He has spoken of always having violent dreams and wishes. He did not get along with his family. He routinely experienced (and still does) severe anxiety and paranoia. He has always had an excruiatingly difficult time verbally expressing himself. A middle child. Has said he remembers little to no detail of his childhood, was a loner, did not play with siblings or any friends

We met at age 32 in 1980. I am bipolar II and have been successfully treated with lithium since 1979, having med checks quarterly, Valium rarely but for generalized anxiety and agoraphobia with panic disorder which also controls the RLS I developed in '95. I never miss taking my meds. I see no shame in mental illness and told him of my dx within days of our meeting should he have a problem with it. He said he did not.

We were friends and lovers living together since 1983 with rare but a few violent episodes. Yeah, I know I should have left then. I didn't. 99% of the time we got along well and considered each other best friends.

The last time we had sex was 12/26/94. And before that it had been 7 years. I became ill with severe chronic muscle pain - fibromyalgia - not diagosed until '95. Between lithium lowering my sex drive then having severe pain, I wanted the physical & closeness though accepted the status quo. In 1997 he casually mentioned he'd been impotent for quite some time w/o seeing a doctor. I made an appt with a urologist who offered Viagra. Though he continued to keep his distance from me.

We bought our first home in 1995. I had to handle everything because he became an anxious wreck losing 40lbs even though he was eating. Once we moved in he seemed more relaxed and rather elated to finally own his home.

He was dx'd with ADHD in 1994. There was no indepth evaluation, no one time appt with me. No evaluation for bipolar disorder on its own or in conjunction with ADHD.

Arguments increased in that he was always, always in an angry mood starting arguments. He would do nothing to help my chronic pain such as light massage.

We married at age 50 in 1998 as a convenience thing. His proposal was we are best friends, I have always been able to count on you, you need Rx coverage and I need to be able to take you as a tax deduction. Practically speaking and as best friends after so many years would you have me for your husband.

And that proposal was the longest coherent group of words I have ever heard him put together.

Inexplicably it was bilssful for a total of 7 months. He was daily affectionate with hugs and kisses. Smiling all the time. Repeatedly said if he had known how good it would feel to be married, he would have asked me years ago.

The bliss ended after 7 months. He completely emotionally abandoned me and has never given a reason other than saying it's all my fault but never explaining what it was that I supposedly said or did that was so egregrious. Because it isn't true. I was a happy person who got completely blindsided.

His anger is the only emotion he expresses and often it makes no sense at all. He is verbally, emotionally, psychologically abusive daily - the rare physical abuse has happened.

Since 1999 I have been investigating through organizations, lawyers, counselors and government services as to how to leave. I have no $ other than a disability check and a small annuity I cannot touch yet it prevents me from gov't help. I live in a non community property state. I have no family in a position to help. They know the deal here and repond with it's your problem you solve it.

Bottom line I would be a bag lady. I am entitled to nothing such as spousal suppost because we have not been married very long. I have to get off this subject since it would take another post longer than this one.

In two attempts at couple counseling at the first session, he was belligerent, even scared the therapists both of whom asked him if he came to try to solve our marital difficulties since all he did was angrily talk in vague generalizations with paranoia evident. He quit thus we quit after 3 sessions.

He agreed to try individual therapy in 2000. After finding an MSW who said his practice was primarily Adults with ADHD, he started. He told me that in addition to ADHD, he did learn that:

- he likely had a type of depression called dsythymia

- he had "anger issues" stemming from childhood

- "Various" personality disorders not named to me, I don't know if he knows

- his procrastination is a huge problem

- he could not handle the commitment of marriage, of being a homeowner, essentially could not handle any forms of commitment well if at all among other things.

A shrink working with the MSW put him on a cocktail of various SSRI's (he's been on every one there is with no improvement for depression), Xanax for anxiety (starting a twice a day which helped but then reducing it to once a day which does not help), first Ritalin which made him nuts, then Wellbutrin which gave him auditory hallucinations, then Adderall, not Adderall XR which exacerbates his outbursts and bullying which exacerbates my chronic pain.

He quit the therapy, shrink (the shrink wanted to commit him for 10 days) and meds in less than a year although the talk therapy helped a little even though he never did the "homework" assigned.

Help Help Has anyone had this experience: He would start the Adderall and be so calm, pleasant, no wild anger at all for the first two weeks then he goes nuts and stays that way.

He started seeing a different shink not one specializing in ADHD, not covered by insurance so expensive, the shrink diagnosed ADHD no comorbid illnesses after asking just a few questions. My husband desperately wanted to be on Adderall again - don't ask me why.

So even though the "cocktail" never helped other than 2x/day Xanax, this shrink asked what he'd taken before and Rx'd the same thing SSRI, Adderall and Xanax first 2x/day now once a day.

There are other health issues, plans for retirement which is not affordable, we had a house fire last year - well, a myriad of very stressful problems on top of whatever was bothering him before so his behavior is worsening.

The 2 year old temper tantrums have increased as well as obnoxious, childish, adolescent behavior. I cannot remember the last time he behaved as anything resembling calm, adult behavior.

He takes responsibility for nothing. He's a blamer. He never apologizes - apparently cannot. He screams so angrily loud it seems he should have laryngitis but never does. And everything, I really mean _everything_ is MY fault.

Since I am house bound (easy target), and no retail store nor work has kicked him out or had him arrested I make the assumption that he can control himself at those times. He interacts pleasantly with neighbors when he sees them.

So how does this work? Can an ADHD patient behave appropriately then just save it all up - whatever IT is which is usually impossible to figure out - for ME?

He's been more paranoid lately along with the temper tantrums. This may sound awful but when I've had enough and he won't calm down and he has scared the sh*t out of our cats (that he supposedly loves), I take the squirt gun that I occasionally use to squirt the floor near where a cat is starting to claw furniture and I keep squirting HIM with water sometimes till his pretty drenched and SHUTS UP, stops bulling me.

Then he starts screaming at me that because I am assaulting him he will call the police which he did once in January 2001 AFTER he hit me in the eye by throwing the cable remote at me and guess what - bleeding, black eye forming, swelling the police arrested ME because I started it by squirting him. ARGHhhhhhhh. The drug addicts and hookers in the cell were the best company I'd had in a long time!

OK - too long a story, too much information. After today my anxiety has risen apparently. For the past week he has been bellowing about suicide in various ways some very violent and including other people like bringing them (whoever they are) to our home and blowing it up.

I asked if he had discussed these feeling with his shrink. He said yes. So I called his shrink with my obvious concern even though due to his penchant for procrastination I doubted he'd follow through, it was unsettling so I wanted to know if there was anything I should/could be doing to help.

Naturally I was leaving a msg on the shrink's voicemail, he never called back. And I told my husband that I called but only because he has said he'd already discussed this with him but I didn't start hearing it till now. Well, the spouse thing went absolutely ballistic.

I'm deaf in my L ear and aided in the profoundly deaf R so once again he got right next to my hearing aid screaming so loud I feel physical pain. Hey! Anybody but me think that qualifies as an assault?

I'm supposed to be grateful to have a roof over my head. And I am - I made this structure a home, landscaped and love it when he's at work....oh yeah, the retirement think could happen before the end of this year.

He has no hobbies or interests apparently other than "expressing himself" to me and at me. Any extended period that he was home was hell, over the past few months the bad behavior starts as soon as he walks in the door.

So the questions I have are:

1. As above do ADHD ppl have the ability to "store up" frustration and anger expressing it only at home?

2. Is the standard treatment a cocktail of SSRI, Adderall & Xanax

3. Is the standard treatment the above, with NO therapy, and seeing the shrink only every 6-8weeks?

4. What or Who or How does a person receive a proper evaluation for accurate dx and what is the proper evaluation?

5. Is input from family members allowed or helpful or standard ONLY when it is a minor child dx'd with ADHD?

6 Has anyone else felt better for a brief time upon starting Adderall then turned into a raving lunatic -- only at home?

Apologies for the too long explanations parts that do appear to be a pity party. I really do need help with the 6 questions above. Anybody, please. Thanks. Excuse typos I'm sure I missed.

__________________
Stuck in toxic marriage
worldisround38986.9895486111I will attempt to answer some of your questions. First let me say I am extremley proud of you courage in writing and openness for help.
It is possible for adhd people to store up anger and frustration and then only express it in a "comfortable" enviroment. That being said His behavior sounds more that of an abusive controlling spouse. If the meds are truly to blame for the behavior, it would stop when the meds where stopped and would be more directed at everyone, not just the homebound spouse.

There is no standard treatment, but SSRI, Adderall, and Xanax are a reasonable mix. It seems to me that his dr. is not doing a good job of getting a full evaluation of the problem and how things are going once on the meds. It seems that your spouse would not be open to an full evaluation and is able to get the dr to see what he wants him to see. It is wrong for the dr not to have called you back, He can not ethically share anything about your husband with you, but he can listen and let you know he was concerned about you. If the dr. discussed you call with your spouse, why did he not suggest a joint session, or ask permission to talk with you. If your husband was opposed to those it should send up red flags for the dr that he is not getting the whole picture.
It sounds that the prolems your husband have go beyond a simlpe dx and med adjustment. He obviously has deep rooted problems that would need to be dealt with on many levels(therapy, life coach, meds, group). If he does not want to put forth this level of change than there is very little you can do to change your husbands behavior. It seems he has an issue other than just ADHD, but if he is able to keep it together for income and lifestyle then he may never be fully evaluated.
What you should do is look more into how best to reach your own independence. I know it may seem impossible and you may have to seek help in what all your options are, but hopefull you can find an avenue to allow for you to gain freedom.

Best of luck and I wish you well.

My advice is get to a women's shelter before he kills you. I am not kidding. They will help you to start over.

My advice is the same as the 'Teach', This is not a healthy relationship for YOU or your spouse.

Sorry I can't give you specific answers to your 6 questions.

One question you could ask yourself is:

"Would I be better off leaving OR staying in this relationship''.

Somehow I don't think it's going to get any better and IF somehow spouse was on Med's & Therapy it would still be a very RockyRoad.

Also I think YOU would benifit from therapy [possibly CBT] to help you understand some of your issues & how to deal with his.

REMEMBER: The only person you can help is Yourself.

GET OUT OF THE SITUATION AND DON'T GIVE HIM ONE CLUE YOU ARE LEAVING! DON'T SAY A WORD ABOUT YOUR INTENTIONS. IF YOU HAVE TO HIDE SOME CLOTHES OUTSIDE SOMEWHERE DO SO AND GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE.

PLEASE.

Copy I tried to paste the same msg I posted from the original topic though I'm not sure what that symbol is so don't know what will show up.

I want to thank world is round for reposting my original msg to this board. And for your replies although if anyone was going to kill anyone it would be me doing him.

Regardless, if my attempt to paste the post I just made on the original msg board didn't show up, here's the update:

My spouse agreed to me meeting w/his shrink alone, together and he continues alone. Many of my questions are being answered and more will be as time passes.

Spouse has osteoarthritis (degenerative disc disease and cervical radiculopathy) among other health problems.

Last April he injured himself and was off work for 3 months - very difficult here at home. Plus he's being forced into retirement (Ford Mtr Co) even if his health were better and will be retiring no later than August 2007.

Last week he sustained additional injury to his neck and team of doctors anticipate possibly another 3 month medical leave. We were just playing catchup financially now this.

Through shrink visits it is apparent that he is gaining understanding as to how it feels to be dependent on someone, controlling his temper, being appreciative toward/of me, stopping the blame game, etc.

Obviously x'ing everying that positive attitude continues as will joint shrink visits. As for dwindling finances, worsening health, looming retirement and other unknowns, right now we're committed to facing these obstacles together.

My fear of him is steadily dissipating as our relationship is strengthening.

I'm trusting him more especially since he finally sees the benefit of individual and joint sessions with his shrink. His attitude toward me is positive and growing closer day by day.

He is able to trust me more since a 3rd party is helping him to see that I have always been and continue to be his best friend.

His emotional issues do go beyond ADHD, he's starting to move from being scared of what is or might happen with him to being grateful for what he has.

There's a long way to go but at least there's now a direction - a positive one.

It'll take me awhile, so I cannot rule out divorce so have not stopped looking for other 'accommodations'.

We worked pretty well together for 18 years before the marriage commitment and owning a home commitment radically changed his behavior. With any luck and hard work w/his shrink we'll be ok. Time will tell.

Thank you again for your replies.

P.S. We're going into incredible debt w/o insurance for his shrink but it's worth it so far - indepth stuff, multiple weekly visits.