How could I have handled this better? | ADHD Information

I undertand where you're coming from- morning routines are rough in our house too.   It doesn't help that I have daycare in there are children being dropped off while I'm trying to get him moving.  What's been most helpful to us is a good reward system (Ogram's marble system).  Thay way if he's having trouble I can say "I see this is tough for you this morning, but if you can get this done in X amount of time I'll give three extra marbles."  I'm always sure to reward him even if he doesn't make the time limit, just not as much.I've discovered that the  more I engage in the struggle, the worse it gets. Everyone has bad days now and then, but when you just have to soldier on, you just have to spell it out as clearly and calmly as you can," You need to get dressed or Miss Daycareteacher will have to help at school. Also, if you don't choose a cereal right now, I will be too busy getting myself dressed to help and you will have to eat at school. What's your choice?" And then put your head down and weather the storm with all the grace you can muster. Yours won't be the first child to go to daycare in pajamas or to show up crying, and any parent who acts like their child never does that is lying!!  Believe me, I worked in corporate daycare for ten years and they all do it sooner or later! My mantra was "This, too, shall pass." And bribery gets a bad rap...it is very effective in a pinch! 

Got Daniel a Big lunch box. We send his breakfast/Lunch daily he eats with the kids. Dara eats breakfast bars in the am then goes to school. We do the vitamins  1st thing. Daniel/Mom up at 6 sis up at 7. Clothes are out for the kids with back packs ready at night. Juice every morning since our kids are not really morning people. Daniel leaves on Bus at 645 and sis leaves at 745drpped off my 1 of us parents. 

Normally, our morning routine goes very well.  I have an almost 3 year old, and a 5 year old (possible ADHD or other issues, seeing psychiatrist in 1 1/2 weeks for beginning eval).

This morning, the 5 year old slept late-we think he is coming down with a cold, so I let him sleep a little longer.  Finally woke him up at 7, and we have to be out of the house by 7:30.   Normally, he will go to the cupboard and pick out his cereal, then will eat it while he watches cartoons, then gets himself dressed.  This morning, he was very upset at the whole process of picking a cereal - didn't want this kind, not enough of that kind.  I suggested something different - didn't want that.  Sat on the floor and cried.  I tried to help him pick one, but he didn't want my help.  So, I walked away, reminded him that we had to keep moving, but said that if he didn't eat at home, he could get breakfast at daycare (they provide breakfast but he normally wants to eat as soon as he is up).  I told him if he decided on one I would help him get it into a bowl.  Then he started crying and yelling that he had picked one but couldn't get it out - so, I went over there, and we got it into the bowl.  Of course, by now, it was time that he needed to be getting dressed, and I had some other things I needed to get done before we could leave - he wasn't happy about getting dressed, but he did it.  Then when it was time to go, he didn't want his coat on, threw himself to the floor, cried and yelled...finally I ended up yelling at him, then just held him close till he settled down, put on his coat and took him out to the car.  By the time I came out with his brother, he had spilled his cereal (no milk) all over the back seat - he was crying that it was an accident, but that he still wanted it.  So, I (very stressed by now) picked it up and put it back in the bowl and gave it to him.  By the time I got in the front seat it had "spilled" again...so, I just said, we will make sure that you get breakfast at daycare.

By the time we got there, he was crying, I was stressed, his brother was acting out a little bit too (he is starting to model the behaviors he is seeing).

I know that he plays me...but I also know that he is struggling very hard at school and it seems like when I get home he just needs someone he can decompress with.

Any advice on how to keep your cool when they just push and push?  I am going to "try" to get up earlier in the morning, so that I can have my routine mostly done before he gets up, so that if he needs extra help I can do it.  But, sometimes if I get up earlier, then he wakes up too, and we are trying to make sure he gets more sleep, hoping he will cope better with his day.

Any thoughts? 

Ivanhoe, thanks for the tips-I am going to try to be a little more organized the night before, to ease up on the morning routine!!

But, I guess more specifically - when you are in a situation where your child does not want to comply with what you need them to do, and you HAVE to have them comply to a certain extent - can't be late for work, so there is only so much time you have to work through the issues - and the more you try to enforce compliance, the more defiant your child becomes...what do you do?

Usually, as long as we don't rush him into doing what we need him to do immediately, he will do it.  When you rush him, versus giving him X minutes to get dressed, he just seems to get worked up and upset.  I guess that maybe in this case that 15 extra minutes of sleep didn't help him!

Give him choices- Do you want this or that cereal?  Tell him you will choose if he is having trouble.  If he doesn't choose, you can choose, then leave him to temper tantrum.  First of all, I think you are doing a terrific job giving him choices.  That's a plus.  I think he was just having a bad day.  He wasn't feeling so hot, he was tired, and unfortunately had a shorter timeframe for breakfast.  You know all the right things to do.  Simplify the morning routine as much as possible.  Sometimes, you just have to give 'em a pop tart and shove 'em in the car!

Sounds like my house this morning!    Except ours was "I want you to fix me cold lunch but I can't find my lunch bag so you have to do that but I'm not going to help you, I'm just going to sit on the couch (minus socks and shoes) and scream about it" kind of morning.  I agree with the giving them choices advice so far but we have very specific choices.  This morning it was "You can make a choice to sit here and yell at me and I WILL NOT do what you want me to do, or you can choose to stop right now and we will work together."  I've been working really hard on not yelling and have been semi-successful.    I still can't stand in front of the group and say "My name is modeejae and I'm a former yeller"  but we're getting better. 

The choices for Kaylee have to be very specific or it's just to much for her to do.  Good luck tomorrow morning!

The only way we survive mornings here is to have no choices and as few
transitions as possible.. My 5 year old sleeps in clean school clothes and
his hair is kept very short- eliminates two battles right there. Breakfast is
exactly the same thing every morning, I make it while he wakes up. When
I tell him to walk to the bathroom to have his teeth brushed, for three
years he refused every morning. I picked him up and carried him, or
dragged him when he got too big and violent. FINALLY a few months ago
he started walking on his own. For three years I had to sit on him to get
his shoes and socks on. One very cold winter day I let him walk to the car
barefoot. He hated it, but then kicked me in the face when I tried putting
them on in the car. So he got to walk all the way across the school
without them. I thought the teachers would think that I was horrible, but I
was determined to win the battle and get through to him. Turns out the
teachers were totally supportive and helped me by lecturing him and
ignoring his pleas for help. So did he learn his lesson? Not that day, but
now six months later he does it himself! It is depressing to think that it
might take over a thousand battles, but they really do eventually get it. It
is exhausting, but luckily I am rock-headed stubborn (several exes' term
for it). Hang in there!

P.S. Really, try the school-clothes-to-bed thing. Cuts down on laundry
too.

Alright, I admit it.  Choices suck!    Definatly suck when they choose to be defiant and I have to follow thru!!!    I thought they were very simple choices but apparently they were to much.  Get out of bed.  Get your pants on (you can even wear the shirt you wore to bed!).  Put your shoes on.  Get in the van.  This is pretty much what we do EVERY day.  (only real variation is in the clothing )  She cried all the way to daycare, her sister was grumpy because Kaylee was crying, I was trying really really hard not to yell.  What a morning!  As I was walking out the front door, I heard sirens and my first thought was "Oh God, someone called the cops cuz they think she's being killed!!!"    Thank God I have good neighbors who know my kids! 

Is it Friday yet???

Sounds like my household on occasion.  I give her choices this or that or nothing and if she wishes to cry I let her, it is hard.  What i also do is pick out her clothing the night before and what she wants for breakfast in the morning sticking to routine is the plan.  By letting him sleep you threw the routine off and our children have difficutly with change.I think you pretty much answered your own question. He's the type of kid who needs plenty of time to ease into the day. I know many adults like this. If you're concerned of him not getting enough sleep, put him to bed earlier. I've set my clocks ahead so my son can't tell the difference. LOLOh, i guess if he's watching cartoons, he'll notice something is 'off' .. but again, you can plan his routine according to the time his favourite shows are on.

Thanks everyone so much for the support and stories.  It is so nice to know that we are not alone, and now today, I can almost laugh about it as I see him sitting on the floor in front of the cereal cupboard with his arms crossed over his chest and a big angry face on!!

That said, this morning was perfect.  And, we had to be out of the house about 1/2 hour earlier than normal.  I got up an hour earlier, M was up in enough time to sit and relax before needing to get dressed, etc.  I praised both boys on how nice the morning was.

We also started the marble reward system last night, and M has already gotten lots of marbles...and none taken away!!