Private Thoughts in a Public Place... | ADHD Information
modeejae - I like the way you make light of the grocery store scene by asking "Is my 'no' broken?" It probably breaks the tension nicely! Too bad there's only one cashier who can go with the flow!BPQW - yes, the easiest and smartest way to handle it is to just not care, unless its major (and it never is). I'm working on that.
As the song goes, "My give a d*&^'s busted!" Well, most of the time...unless he says something really strange and then I have no problem asking him,"What ARE you talking about?" Usually it's something lost in translation between 8 year old and adult and as soon as he explains, it makes perfect sense. But I do agree that no matter how strange or embarrassing your child might be, you can be sure that the person in the aisle next to you said or thought something twice as odd while they were in the store!!Mine usually happen at the grocery store...right about the time I've said "NO" for the thousandth time. I wonder if people just think "why can't she just leave her kids at home" or "why can't those girls behave better". It's not just my ADHD 6 yr old, it's also her 12 yr old sister! Then when I say no, they stomp away or just stop in front of the cart and whine at me!!! Like they seriously think that's going to change my mind??? I've even asked the checker "Is my 'no' broken?" Usually they look at me funny but there is one who totally plays along with me and said "Nope, I actually heard it, it's not broken!!" Totally ticked my 12 yr old off.
This is coming from a grandma and we of course have loads of wisdom. Just love your child and do the best you can. To heck with what anyone thinks, you know in your heart your child is special and think about adults who constantly make inappropriate comments right outloud to any and everyone. Adults who don't have ADHD........ My grandson who lives with me has ADHD and I am soooo new to this, but i know this much, he is also has feelings that appear to be stronger than most children his age. He is so loving and just craves the attention. I am working hard now to give him plenty of positive attention. Boy did i get some looks when at the restaurant i ordered him a cup of coffee as he jumped around the booth. I started to explain to the waitress that a little caffeine would calm him down, and then i just thought to heck with her. She can just glare out her over made up eyes and fake blond hair and judge me. Who is she to me??? [QUOTE=flaxen115]modeejae - I like the way you make light of the grocery store scene by asking "Is my 'no' broken?" It probably breaks the tension nicely! Too bad there's only one cashier who can go with the flow!
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Actually, once I explain it to them, they figure it out and go with it. I have found that if I don't have a sense of humor about all of this, I'm gonna be 
instead of and that's not gonna get me anywhere. I have great kids, they just sometimes make me crazy!!! I have made the situation worse on occasion by being sarcastic but I'm pretty sarcastic by nature (a trate that my oldest has picked up by the way ) and have to be able to find the humor in those ugly situations or I'm gonna be certifiably crazy in no time and THEN who would raise my kids???
I don't know how much I'm actually helping anybody but I'm glad that I'm here and have found so many of you that I'm pretty sure actually live inside of my house (rather then just in this little box on my desk ) and are really dealing with MY kid and just making me feel better by saying you have one too.
(Did everybody catch the sarcasm in that one? hehehe)
Do you ever go through anything like this when you're out in public and your child does or says something a little...strange?My inner dialogue goes something like this ( Its actually funny now that I put it all out in writing):
- who else heard or saw that? Oh, I'm sure they all noticed.
- what did they think...no, I know what they thought...that was strange.
- I kind of want to excuse her by telling witnesses that "she has ADHD, after all"
- but I don't have to explain anything! Why should I? Its nobody's business!
- I'm embarassed...they're probably wondering if I'm embarassed (I'm not
showing it)..they're probably wondering if I know my girl did or said an
odd thing, that she's maybe kind of an odd kid ...how did I raise her and what
kind parent am I...maybe I'm odd too!
- Now I'm ashamed of my embarrassment; that's my child, after all, and she
is the way she is! I should be proud and supportive and not give a **** what
other people think! I resent those people and their potential thoughts!
- Now I'm embarrassed, ashamed of my embarrassment, and feeling sorry
for myself that I've had to run this inner script so many times!
- Now I'm mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself, after all, so many people
have worse situations...I have to get the hell over it! That's life! (and other
cliches).
Meanwhile, my daughter hasn't even realized the moment and has moved on!
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Be brave, please share yours!
Clap-O- la's for you!!!ptgally - ha ha, if only people knew! On the outside, I've got this relaxed smile on my face and I'm just in flow with life. I'm well groomed and well dressed, and here's my 15 year old daughter next to me, looking like she needs a shower, clothes are dirty again, baseball cap on sideways, yesterday's make-up looking racoon like under her eyes, talking too loud, being a bit goofy. ...but she's happy and we've come such a long way! So screw it, right? That's the way she is right now and I need to shut down those inner voices telling me what otjher people's inner voices are telling them! Yes, this is my daughter, so? You wanna make something of it?...And I'm not gonna explain why she's different! So, strangers, keep your snobby, judgemental thoughts outta my head!
OMG! That is an entry straight out of my sanity journal!!! Are you my half sister? hehe All jokes asside.. I've been there done that soo many times! I now just roll with the punches.. and "think out" the sistuation in more detail, than jumping to conclusion. I try my best not to let the tag name of ADHD be a auto thought that pops in my head when my son does something that is out of line or embrassing, and I feel the need to attempt to explain. (Not saying that you do that, but I had hit a low where I think i did.) I feel I handle those situations better now. No parent is perfect! No parent can control a childs out burst at times!!! They are children, they are unperdictable....!!!
With my son - it's shopping at the mall. It's too overstimulating with him and he's embarrassed me a few too many times. He's gotten better but even recently he had a bit of a moment. The thing with him is that he's LOUD and it draws EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION. Do it while I'm PMSing and we're quite the show. LOLAll the time although I have devolged it in some situations so others are aware like at my childs allergy appointment it would have appeard like she was a spoiled brat why I devolged. It would have also looked like I could not control her. So I do tell only in certain situations not every situation.
This totally reminded me of what my friend told me about her nephew. He's ony two, but he's the height and weight of a hefty 4 year old. Whenever her other sister (not the mom) is with the boy in public she makes excuses for him. Unfortunately the one she makes is "He's not a retard, he's just big for his age"!
I can only imagine someone telling me that I'd they were a nut. Just another reason not to make excuses for our kids.
My daughter is always filthy (5 minutes after she gets out of the shower) and I am sure people wonder why I let he out of the house like that. We go through stain remover like its water.
She also walks into the neighbors houses on Haloween - talking to everyone in the house - going from room to room, looking at their pictures and nicknacks, etc. Most people think its funny - the ones that don't, we try to avoid! Ya gotta love these kids!!
This is a great message. I have the same exact thought and always find my emotions all over the place. My son has come out with some good ones. Some examples are he tells people they have bad breath, walks into the neighbors houses without knocking, strikes up conversations with strangers, repeats the same questions over and over again, etc., misbehaves in restauarants and stores. I've learned to deal with it and just take him by the hand and walk away. I refuse to explain myself to anyone. They don't like it, they can go to hell. I admit my son isn't perfect, maybe all these people that stare at ours should admit the same thing about their kids.
My son has said stuff in public loud enough for the person to hear like, "that man does not have two legs." I about died. I almost whispered to him that everyone is different and you shouldn't say something like that even if you are thinking it. I can tell a little bit when he about to put his foot in his mouth if he is firmly staring at someone who has different physical qualities that are noticable and I can sometimes stop it before he says something by whispering to him not to stare and quickly changing the subject. At least they can make us laugh sometimes. My son also has a thing with breath. If you don't have minty breath he tells ya about it and each person has a different kind of breath (egg, milk, etc.) and the infamous Jessica breath. Have no idea what that is.That's very funny wmtmann - my son has run out in his underwear before as well to see if his friends are outside.
Sounds a lot like me lol
I will worry at first, then tell myself they know he is just a kid and kids well...are kids lol then I will feel somewhat embarrassed and then feel guilty for being embarrassed and back and forth until I realize that my son was given to me for a reason. Someone who I can love and cherish and whom will love and cherish me back. Yes there are times I get embarrassed and frustrated just like any of you would but then I look at my precious children and think I wouldn't have it any other way either. To me its part of the life lessons.
Okay sorry I went off topic LOL My mind just rambled on (no surprise there lol)
But yes I do what you mentioned sometimes too LOL
Tracy 
Try chasing a 3 and a half year old nakid around the neighboors yards. Now that was interesting LOL
Thank god at 8 he no longer does that
Tracy
[QUOTE=boogadoo1]That's very funny wmtmann - my son has run out in his underwear before as well to see if his friends are outside. [/QUOTE]
That's a good one.
I have another funny one - last year we (me, my husband and my son) were on vacation with my sister, brother in law and niece. We were in the elevator with one other person and I leaned against the back wall - they had a drape of some kind and when I leaned it made a noise that sounded like someone passed gas so we all remained quiet and my son innocently looked up at me and said Mom, did you fart? The poor guy in the elevator turned bright red and didn't know where to look. I was so embarrassed I just blurted out and said yes Michael, that's what Mommy does, farts on elevators. We still laugh hysterically about it.
That is so funny! I remember one time when my daughter was about 4 we were in the grocery store and she went up to a total stranger - an older very tough looking biker man and said "Hi Daddy!" then when he didn't respond, she went on and on "Daddy, why are you ignoring me?" We had eveyone in the store watching us (we were in line to checkout) THe man was so red but his wife(?) was laughing. When we left, I ask my daughter why in the world she would do such a thing - she said "I thought it would be really funny"! It certainly is NEVER dull with these kids!!!I have a lot of patience when it comes to being outside and dirty etc.. I really try to let Nate be himself at home.. he has a stick thing.. we have made our yard as happy a place for him to be.. we built a fort as a family.. and we have piles of Nate's sticks.. shovels and other things he plays.. with... have a swing set that the neighbor uses and my nieces.. we plan to take it a apart and put cement over there for skate boarding roller blading, other things my boys like to do.. I am lucky and so are they.. that I sit at a desk all day and when I get home that is not what I want to do... boogadoo1 - that's hilarious that you can read the signs and anticipate your son's outbursts...we do learn to read a situation as "provocation level" for for kids...and then we're kind of like Pavlov's Dogs with our conditioned response!Wow, the messy office and unkempt receptionist seem so incongruous in a neurologist's office! Well, anyone who works with the public for a living should have their front teeth, don't ya think? I wonder why she got hired...she doesn't keep the office nicely and looks like crap. What exactly is she doing for the neurologist?
Your story is too funny! Did you find out anything usefull from the neurologist?
As far as your son's inappropriate comments and questions, I don't know how old he is, but I think those responses do mellow over time, due to the "natural consequences" that will occur from other kids. An adult /professional won't usually respond negatively to your son, but out in the world of his peers, he'll find out quickly and consistently that what he did doesn't work socially. Eventually, that lessons gets learned to one degree or another.
I did interesting parenting yesterday, and I'm sure some of my nieghbors and people who drove by thought I was crazy. The boys and I were working in our creek. (we have to move it back) This of course turned into a mudd war with the two of them.. Nate had spread mudd all over his body like a warrior.. I was ignoring this after several hundred please don't do that.. Any way, I had them strip down to there underwear and I sprayed them off with the hose... I live in PA, it was about 70, I turned my back and they ran to our neighbor to say hi as he just got home from work... I said hi, and told the boys I was opening the garage for them to come in get a shower.. We do our best.. we have left stores with the cart full, put them over our shoulders and left the mall, with them screaming your hurting me... etc.. people look at me I smile.. and keep on going.. However, whenever I see someone else in a situation I have been in .. I smile and say been there.. I think it helps the other parent as well as me...
Yes, it's scary but I know exactly when one of those inappropriate comments are going to come out and try to run for cover when I can.
In addition to the receptionist missing teeth and looking like a slob, the Doctor picked food out of his braces while he was talking to me, had his shoes off and was answering cell phone calls from his kids. To top it off he's the head of Neurodevelopmental Pediatrics in one of the best hospitals in the state. I don't get it. I have trouble with someone who can't act appropriate himself tell my how my kid should act. I didn't get any information from him that I didn't already know so I'm off to "see the wizard" again I guess.
My son is 7. He's usually doesn't come out with inappropriate comments like that to his friends but tends to be bossy so I can see a few of them are getting sick of him. 2 kids he used to play with all the time don't come around anymore. Like you said, I'm hoping as he gets older he'll realize that he can't do that.
Oh my gosh-what a great topic! I know this is not the right thing to do but I generally avoid taking my son places that require more attention than he has. Like we drive thru rather than go to restaurants. My son does say weird things in grocery stores, though. I wonder if that phrase really did come out of his mouth. I put a smile on and look at people and don't mention anything hoping they will forget. One time, a young kid a bagger said something weird to my son because of his comments and non stop talking and it made me so mad. I did not make an excuse for his behavior I just got him out the store quickly. I did shoot the kid a look so when I go back to the store he says nothing to me. To me, you do not need to make excuses. Kids are kids.When I take my son grocery shopping (most of the time he goes to grandma's) I let him have a small cup of free coffee the store offers in the morning. I just laugh at the looks people give me!! I just concentrate now on him in the store, and the heck with everyboody else. If a comment is made to me about him, I just smile at the people and give them no explanation. When they walk in my shoes for a day then they can have a reply.
Darcy
reneeeileen - yes! I am often asking myself if its possible that she doesn't realize that what she's doing/saying is not working in her best interests.But you're right...it seems so obvious, but it just isn't to them. Or maybe even if on some level they do know (perhaps because of all the coaching we've given over the years), their naturally impulsive personality just overrides any internal controls!
I have to laugh (either that or cry) when I think of all the things we've done to try to enhance 15's popularity; practically forcing her to invite different classmates over (and me going overboard ordering pizzas, renting movies, taking them on "field trips", basically whatever it takes), sending her with things to share or give away and involve other kids with (like your son's baseball cards). Candy for everyone! Come one, come all! Money no object to enhance my little ADHD angel's popularity! ... none of it ever worked for more than a few seconds (!) because her personality negated everything. I would disappointed over and over again after treating and sweeting all the potential friends, only to find out she was ostracized again the next day. She could never maintain any positive results.
Things are a little better now, as she has a few friends in grade 10, but last year she was eating lunch alone a fair bit. Can you imagine being in high school and not even having one friend to sit and eat with? That's what ADHD behaviour can do! And even when they seem to know intellectually that what they're doing isn't working, they can't seem to implement anything new!
Then, eventually, I think, they find some like-minded (slightly odd) friends, and everyone starts to feel and behave better. That's my message of hope, which still intermingles with much frustration.
So, reneeeileen, that's also my long-winded message; that we can (and indeed must) keep trying to help, but as you so succinctly put it, " It is out of (our) control. (We) cannot control them." And my sad (and yet strangely funny) realization is also that we can't even really help them that much in certain arenas of their life. We can help them feel loved within the family, but there sure isn't much we can do to help them be accepted by others! So what's the lesson? I don't know yet...maybe to keep trying, but do not feel guilty for not being able to help, and to realize that there are so many of us that are running on this treadmill, feeling like we're getting nowhere.
Dear readers, tell us about your treadmill! Let's laugh and be frustrated together!
[QUOTE=flaxen115]ptgally - ha ha, if only people knew!
On the outside, I've got this relaxed smile on my face and I'm just in flow with life. I'm well groomed and well dressed, and here's my 15 year old daughter next to me, looking like she needs a shower, clothes are dirty again, baseball cap on sideways, yesterday's make-up looking racoon like under her eyes, talking too loud, being a bit goofy. ...but she's happy and we've come such a long way! So screw it, right? That's the way she is right now and I need to shut down those inner voices telling me what otjher people's inner voices are telling them! Yes, this is my daughter, so? You wanna make something of it?...And I'm not gonna explain why she's different! So, strangers, keep your snobby, judgemental thoughts outta my head! [/QUOTE]
flaxen115 - She's happy! Cherish that!!!
This summer we were at the Minnesota State Fair (this was before we had even thought about ADHD- inattentive). My dd apparently walked between some people and the exhibit they were standing in front of. I didn't hear the whole conversation (my MIL relayed some) but the gist of it was that she (DD) was rude, but then maybe it wasn't her fault, but she just hadn't been taught any better. I was seething, embarassed, disappointed, frustrated..... Obviously, it still bothers me. Why should I care? Now I can look back and see that yes, I probably taught her just fine, and yes, she probably knows it's not polite, but none of that probably entered her mind at the time.
We're not entirely sure she has ADHD. We've got an eval scheduled.
We walk into DS class and he starts to act obnoxious to anotherkid.perhaps he opens the other kids locker. I tell him not to open the
locker. I'm thinking "dont you know that you are pushing this boy away
from you?" next thought "no, he doesnt know". "Well why doesnt he
know? Isn't it obvious? No its not obvious to him".
I bought him some baseball trading cards to interact with the other kids.
I'm thinking "Just trade your cards, be easy." Instead, he won't trade any
cards and parades around saying how his cards are better then everyone
elses. Kids are looking at him, wondering why he is acting so weird. I'm
thinking "doesnt he know he's annoying the kids" "no he doesn't" "but
why not" "I know why not" "but that makes me angry. it seems so simple.
he should get that." To him its not simple that's the point.
then i think "Please, just get along today. please dont act out. please dont
get sent to the principal's office or force the teacher to talk to me after
class." then i pray for his own sake that he will make friends and that the
loving boy will come out on this day instead of the dark one. it is out of
my control. I cannot control him.Great response flaxen115. I feel the same way - if I don't laugh, I'll just have a meltdown and cry. I do know when he's going to come out with one of his good ones though because he get's this certain look on his face and starts to study the person or object he's going to say to someone or something and I actually start to sweat because I get nervous. Sometimes I'll pull him away just in time or I'll get in direct eyecontact with him and tell him not to say anything. I have to day that although some of his comments are inappropriate they are true and I laugh sometimes. I took him to a Neurologist a few weeks back (which I will never take him to again). When we walked in, the office was messy and disorganized. When I walked up to the reception desk I almost passed out because I knew what my son was going to come out with. The receptionist was missing teeth, looked filthy and presented herself terribly. My son immediately got the look on his face but I had no where to run. Eventually he asked her why she had no front teeth and she was spitting while she was talking. Although inappropriate, it was the truth. I tried to explain to him that even though he's thinking it, to try his best not to say anything because he can hurt someone's feelings. It's like fighting a never-ending battle but he's my son and has as many good qualities as bad so we've learned to roll with the punches for now!