child lying about abuse | ADHD Information
I know nothing in this area, but I really wish the best for you and your family.
bbopper38988.8253587963I'm stuck on this one too. She'll make a good writer one day. Sounds like she may be looking for attention. Instead of telling her that the authorities will take her away if she continues talking about being abused, why don't you try talking to her about the importance of telling the truth .. "never cry wolf" sort of thing and stem from there. Maybe you can encourage her to write her stories down on paper. Do you think maybe she feels she IS being physically harmed on a psychological way? Her interpretation of how she views herself in relations to her parents? Something's missing. Just a hunch. She is probably not fully aware of the consequences of this lie,you best explain it to her. Tell her again what the outcome could be and that she has almost used up her "trust fund "with you. This is not to be taken lightly !
Yes, get her to a psychologist to find out why she is doing this.
Hidden resentment towards you ?
worldisround38988.9431018519
My guess, she is mad because she is grounded right now. She got into a car with a class mate and her parent without my permission from the bus stop and got a ride to school. Then 2 weeks later decided she didnt want to attend the after school program I pay for her to attned and got onto a bus to go to her sisters daycare...needless to say I was a wreck whenI got to the school and they said she never came to the program that day. The doctorsa say she does not have the ability to understand consequences. I have been trying to instill them anyway. When she does something wrong, I talk to her about what she did wrong and why she is punished a certain way and explain it is a consequence for what she did. The worst part was that I had no idea of these lies and I was at the school all morning with the teacher and administrators and I finally had a very positive IEP meeting. I was feeling good about the progress I had made at the school...then I got home and receved this call from Social Services. I felt like crawling under a rock. My husband and I cannot figure agood punishment for this one. I agree, its a demand for attention..probably because she has been grounded. I thoroughly explained whatth is can do to our family....although she already knows all of this...because the therapist and I explained it when she tried to say my husband had kicked her in the head to her. We have tried the crying wolf story and veggie tails the big fat lie. I dont know...at this point I feel very betrayed by her. Im frustrated hurt and emotionally exhausted. I arranged for a babysitter for tomorrow. My husband and I are going to get away for the day. Running away fora little while may clear my head....I hope.
Thanks for all of the support...I really needed it!
Okay, what kind of parent just takes another kid in their car without checking with their parents??? And does the bus system just take random kids wherever they want to go? I'm assuming the bus driver knew her, etc., but still I would partly blame the adults in these situations!
Maybe taking her to a "Stay Safe" program? I would be more worried about her safety at this point! There are dvd's to watch on it too, but it sounds like you may have already done these things too...
About the lying, I agree that she is doing it because she gets something out of it. It sounds like one of two things, since I don't know you personally. Either she really doesn't understand the consequences of things and needs help with that, or she does understand what she's doing and might have anger inside. Of course, I'm no professional or anything. I have my own stuff to figure out!
Keep writing if it helps and I hope the day away helps too!
Wow, I don't really know what to say about this. Maybe she desperately wants attention? My thought is to enroll her in kids drama classes. That may fufill her need for attention, and to help her to learn to express herself appropriately. Good luck!She has to be talking about city buses. It can't be a school bus at least I pray not.You poor thing I would be horrified too. yes definetly get away and take a break. Children and lying:Older Children
As children enter the school age years (6-8 and up), they begin to fully understand the concept that lying is wrong. When children reach this stage, parents should begin disciplining their children when they tell lies. Lying among children in this age group is not uncommon, and there are many reasons why children in this age group lie:
*To avoid punishment - Many children this age lie in an attempt to stay out of trouble.
*To impress others - In this case, children may tell tall tales to make themselves look good.
*To boost their self-esteem - Children may stretch the truth in order to get attention or praise from others.
*To get something they want - Children may lie to get something they would like.
*To protect others - Children are very loyal to friends and family members. They may lie to protect someone else.
*Because they hear their parents lie - Many children hear their parents and other important adults lying (e.g., lying about their plans in order to avoid something). Children learn from their parents and other adults in their lives, and thus will be more inclined to lie if they hear their parents and other adults telling lies.What Parents Can Do About Lying
*Explain/discuss why telling the truth is important. Parents should begin teaching their children the benefits of telling the truth while their children are young. They should be careful to use language that is age-appropriate. Parents should let their children know that telling the truth lets other people know that they can be trusted. They should also let their children know that lying is dishonest, and there are often negative consequences for lying. Parents can discuss examples of truthfulness and lying that they see on television, read in books, etc. Parents can also help prevent lying in their children by communicating effectively with them. This, too, should start while children are very young. Children who have open, honest relationships with their parents are much less likely to lie to them.
*Model truthfulness. Children learn by watching their parents. Parents who lie to their children and in their children's presence are teaching their children that lying is an acceptable behavior. Parents should try to set a good example for their children by being as truthful as possible themselves.
*Discipline for lying. Parents should set specific rules for lying, and specific punishments when lying occurs. These rules should be discussed with children before they are enforced. It is a good idea for parents to provide separate punishments for misbehavior and lying. When children misbehave but are honest about it, they should get a lesser punishment than when they misbehave and lie about it. Parents should make sure that there is a payoff for being honest. For example, when children are honest about their misdeeds, parents can praise their children for their honesty and then provide punishment for their misdeed. When children are dishonest about their misdeeds, they should provide a punishment for the dishonesty, and a punishment for the misdeed. Parents should be careful, however, not to be too severe or too frequent in their punishment, or their children may continue to lie as a means of protecting themselves.
*Be consistent in treatment of lying. Parents should come up with a set of rules about lying and then stick to them. Children should be disciplined accordingly each time they lie.
*Make sure lying is not rewarding for children. Parents should be careful not to reward lying behavior in their children. If, for example, a child lies to get something he wants, parents should make sure he or she does not get it.
*Don't shame children for lying. Parents should try not to make their children feel guilty for lying. Parents can let their children know that they are disappointed with their actions, but they should try hard to avoid sending the message that they are bad people for lying. Instead, parents should make sure their children know that they are being disciplined for their actions, not for who they are.
*Don't set children up. Parents who are sure that their children have done some misdeed should not try to trap them in a lie by asking them whether or not they did it. Many children will lie to protect themselves when they are backed into a corner. Instead, parents should treat the situation matter-of-factly. Parents should explain to their children exactly what they did that was wrong and why, and then provide discipline. Along the same lines, it is also not a good idea for parents to demand confessions from their children or to punish their children for misdeeds that they are not absolutely sure their children did.
*Figure out why children are lying, then look for solutions. Parents should pay close attention to the lies their children tell. They should try to figure out if there is any specific pattern to their children's lies. If parents figure out specific reasons why their children tell lies, they should then look for specific solutions. For example, when children lie to boost their self esteem, parents should develop a strategy to increase their children's self-esteem, so that they do not have to lie to feel good about themselves.
*Praise truthfulness. Parents should make every effort to praise their children when they are being honest. Behavior that is praised is much more likely to be repeated.
*Seek professional help for persistent lying. Children who persistently lie may have underlying problems. In these instances, parents should seek professional help.
I have gone through this with all three of my children. And the times they have done this is when they want attention, they do it thinking they will get this idea in their head and of course the fall out is not the same. Bad attention is still attention and they crave it. This is still a work in progress, we have gotten them to understand a lil more, since they have gotten older and i got some behavior books from christianbooks.com and i just talk to them about its never good to lie cause one day your telling the truth and no one might believe you. We also do skits hehe :) Oh about the bus thing, thats crazy. Our bus won't even let me have one of my son's run out to get my other son off the bus, even if i am in the bathroom :) Im am mortified to have to say this. But this afternoon I received an absolutely shocking phone call. I heard from social services. they called to inform me that they just finished investigating a complaint of abuse against me and found it to be unfounded. This was the first I had heard of the complaint. Come to find out, my 8yoa daughter told her teacher I kicked her so hard in the stomach that she flew up against the wall and then collapsed to the floor. I was mortified that she would come up with such a horrible story. She told me the circumstancs surrounding the incident. She took a fun afternoon at home and had twisted it into this evil horrible complaint. The tructh was shewas sitting on the floor andI found out shelied thata pair of boots fitherwhenthey were too small all because she wanted to keep them. I reached out with my big toe (while I was sprawled out on the couch from exhaustion from the day)...and pushed her stomach jokingly (not pushing the sense to do harm,,,just slight pushing in for fun) and said..."you goofball, if you had told me before I took the tags off I could have returned them and gotten you the next size." This is the second timeshe claimed to be abused. The first was at her therapist office, of course she knew she was lying. In that instance she claimed her father had kicked her inthe head...when that didnt fly with the therapist she changed it to slapped her in the head...finally, the truth...he had jokingly pretended like he was going to slap the back of her head for being silly...he never even touched her...we had a long talk with her then about the problems of lying about abuse and the potential to be taken from our home. I thought she understood and that would be the end of it...until I was floored today. I have no idea how to deal with this.I have put acall in to the Psychologist. Anyone else with similar problems and suggestions???Currently I feel totally betrayed by the child I constantly fight to protect.
[QUOTE=piggirl]Im am mortified to have to say this. But this afternoon I received an absolutely shocking phone call. I heard from social services. they called to inform me that they just finished investigating a complaint of abuse against me and found it to be unfounded. This was the first I had heard of the complaint. Come to find out, my 8yoa daughter told her teacher I kicked her so hard in the stomach that she flew up against the wall and then collapsed to the floor. I was mortified that she would come up with such a horrible story. She told me the circumstancs surrounding the incident. She took a fun afternoon at home and had twisted it into this evil horrible complaint. The tructh was shewas sitting on the floor andI found out shelied thata pair of boots fitherwhenthey were too small all because she wanted to keep them. I reached out with my big toe (while I was sprawled out on the couch from exhaustion from the day)...and pushed her stomach jokingly (not pushing the sense to do harm,,,just slight pushing in for fun) and said..."you goofball, if you had told me before I took the tags off I could have returned them and gotten you the next size." This is the second timeshe claimed to be abused. The first was at her therapist office, of course she knew she was lying. In that instance she claimed her father had kicked her inthe head...when that didnt fly with the therapist she changed it to slapped her in the head...finally, the truth...he had jokingly pretended like he was going to slap the back of her head for being silly...he never even touched her...we had a long talk with her then about the problems of lying about abuse and the potential to be taken from our home. I thought she understood and that would be the end of it...until I was floored today. I have no idea how to deal with this.I have put acall in to the Psychologist. Anyone else with similar problems and suggestions???Currently I feel totally betrayed by the child I constantly fight to protect.[/QUOTE]
I would suggest counseling, so that a professional can get down to what is exactly going on with her, maybe there is something else going on that doesn't involve you and your husband that is bothering her.
Best wishes,
Beth
Beth, I wish counseling could help. My daughter has been to a counselor. He claims she has no underlying issues to cause her behavior.
In refernce to those who were courious about the bus. It was a daycare transportation bus. The driver knows my daughter because she has gone to the daycare and my younger daughter attends there. The driver figured the school would not let her out to go on the bus if I had not faxed permission...which should have been true. My daughter knows all about stranger danger and only going where she should. Part of her disability is the ability to understand consequences. It is something I have spent this whole last year trying to help her to learn. My daughter continues to be tested as they admit they have not fully diagnosed her or properly diagnosed her as the case may be.
Since taking a daybreak (lol) and talking to her psychologist, I feel much better. I am going to talk to the special education teacher to set up a meeting with myself, the teacher and the vice principal as well as my daughter so that she can explain and apologize for lying.
To those who have emailed me privately and stated you are dealing with the same problem. I understand why you remain private and I hope that you can carry on as I am. I wish all of you the best of luck. And I am glad you emailed me...I dont feel so alone. We need to stick together!
I thank all of you for your responses and support.
Take Care,
piggirl 
