How to deal with the guilt | ADHD Information
I'm sure I'm not the only one who is convinced they did something wrong that caused their child's disabilities. Did I not pay attention to him enough, let him watch too much TV, play too many computer games, etc etc etc.We just had Garrett's initial IEP meeting, where we discussed the types of testing that the school will be doing to determine eligibility for services. At this meeting the school's special education teacher suggested that we might look into a diagnosis of Asperger's for him. It just totally devastated me, but honestly it wasn't a surprise. I had wondered myself if that wasn't part of the problems we are dealing with.
Garrett is such a wonderful loving and special child. I hate that he has such problems and I worry about his future. I love him so much but I can't protect him from the world and lately all I can seem to do is wonder what I did to cause this.
How does one get over the guilt associated with their child's disablities?
We will never really KNOW the answers as to why our children are not "perfect" just as much as the people with "perfect" children will never know why theirs are that way. You can talk to all kinds of people of all ages and see that even without computers and TV, there where still ADHD and everything else, it just was not recognized then, now it is. No one is PERFECT! Everyone is special in some way. EVERYONE. You can't dwell on the what if's or why me's....it will tear you up. All you can do is research your childs disabilities and figure out how to make life better for them. Once I found out my child could not help being the way he is (always thought he was bad or rebellious) a calm peaceful understanding came over me. I saw my child with a different view, a more open mind, I saw him as special and I am GLAD he is the way he is. Yes....he may have a difficult time in school, but what don't kill you makes you stronger, he WILL be a strong person. God made him this way and he will find his nitch in life. God did not give me a hill I can not climb either. We will get through this. And so will you!I too was devastated when I got my child diagnosis it is normal. Once the idea sinks in then you focus only on what can I do to help my baby. Hang in thereI did not feel guilt as much when jude was diagnosed,i think i was still in denial,but when i was diagnosed later on with ADD,oh yes i felt guilt because of the genetic link.i kept thinking he has ADHD because i have ADD.the feeling still comes back now and againAww.....I feel for you. I think we all go through the guilt at first. It goes away as you learn more & meet more people going through the same things. When you start reading about & seeing people whos kids have the same things, you start to realize its not your fault! Don't worry...you're a great mom! I can tell from reading your post. Your love for your son shines right through!
Hi,
You did nothing to cause this. Hate to say this but I bet someone in either your family or your husband's family has a similar issue. Very rare to see these ADHD or related problems come from outer space. My husband is ADHD and very successful. But, having said that before we gave my son medication and I thought he was going to live is life with so many issues, I sometimes felt that I never should have had children. I tried so hard to have kids and we are blessed with a great life, but I felt that knowing what I know about the role of genetics (my family and husband's family have major and I mean major mental disorders) maybe I have given my son a troubled life. However, I have seen such hope since he has been on medication that I feel better creating my beautiful children. It's like knowing you carry a gene that could lead to a horrible disease and your child gets it. It's hard to have ADHD but there really is hope and medicine is constantly making strides in every area. For selfish reasons I pray ADHD is at the forefront. Good luck.
Well, when i found out our son has ADHD, i was so guilt stricken it was unbelievable! Then a friend of mine came over. She said a few things that really brought it home for me these are a few:
You didn't wish or pray for this did you? Of course not! You would NEVER have wanted this for any child, of course not. she asked me if i would and could trade places with him, of course i would, in a heart beat.those are just a few things she said that stuck out in my mind. You did nothing wrong. Your child has a condition, but it's not your fault. Just knowing what your child has, is the first step to the rest of his life! And, baby, it's going to be a BLAST! Once, you get all the kinks ironed out, may you are going to have some fun!
Am I right ladies????
!!Welcome!!
I have the guilt from time to time as well but the thing that gets to me is the fear of what he's going to have to put up with from the other kids in school. We all know how cruel children can be. He's in a special ed class and it's only a matter of time before he has to deal with kids calling him stupid (which has started a bit already on the bus). I'm ready to blow my top!Actually, I never felt guilty for doing something to cause Pat's problems. I did feel guilty for pooh-poohing concerns that teachers brought to me and later for listening to my dh rationalize Pat's behavior as normal. "He already knows this stuff! He's just bored in school." The trap we fell into was that we believed he was such a smart kid (as add/adhd kids tend to be) that he wasn't paying attention because he was bored. We tried behavior modification and I feel guilty that we kept on using in even though it was clear it wasn't working. I feel guilty about thinking that Pat was a flexible kid and would adjust well to moving to a different city in the middle of the school year.What makes me not feel guilty about Pat's ADD? Knowing how hard I've worked and worried to give him the tools that he needs. Knowing how much I've researched to find out what will help him. Knowing how much I love him and support him. Knowing how I've adjusted my expectations of him slightly in order to take his ADD into account. I'm now adjusting them upward, because I see what marvelous success he's having. He's showing me every day that every ounce of effort that I've put into raising him is paying off.
You know what, Mom to GB? You're on the path to being where I am now. Look at what you're doing for him and feel proud! Guilt is a non-productive emotion when I comes to ADD/ADHD. Be determined instead, and hang around! This board is a font of information!
We all (OBVIOUSLY FROM THESE POSTS) feel some guilt regarding our reactions, behaviors or genetics. A wise friend keeps reminding me that unchangeable things (genetics, yesterday) cannot be done over, so deal with consequences (and YOU ARE) and enjoy the things that can be done now. I also feel that somehow this child was the one I got because in loving and learning with him, I will become the person and mother he needs. I am so struck by how all of this is a process. Listening to so many people in different stages just reinforces that. Maybe we all need to feel like we could have controlled it and therefore guilty, so when it becomes obvious that those thoughts can't be true, we can let that go and begin the next step. I can't say what the next step may be, because I have just recently given up the guilt over something I don't control. Now, I am praying that I can develop into the mother/woman that my son needs and will look up to for my grace under fire AND/OR my ability to say sorry when I completely lose it!
Guilt-ya that's my middle name. Especially when the Psychiatrist starts giving me a quickie ADHD test and asks me if I drank or did drugs during my pregnancy (I did not).
God I was nearly suicidal when we first found out what my son had. I was sure I gave it to him or caused it. Maybe I did-but we can't change what is only work with what we got.
I love my son so much I could explode. It used to be I was so frustrated and angry and distraught I could explode-I like this feeling better
ang
Both my kids are foster-adopted, ADHD son's Mom never drank, did drugs or smoked she even breast fed him. She lost custody when he was 1 due to phych issues, neglect, homeless... Child # 2 (age 5) was a crack baby they listed a page of drugs including cold medicine and cigarettes although I think they were covering the bases on some of them I do know she has a long hx with crack the alleged father was a heroin addict he was 5 weeks old when we got him perfect baby slept good, great deemener daycare has raved about him all these years. He started kindergarted this year and other than some bus problems (seperation anxiety) he is bright. charming and coming home with rave reviews my little "lefty-no butt!" ! I think sometimes it is just the way it is ya know??? I am also thinking ADHD is not so bad, yes there are stressfull times but on the flip side there are some attributes, my child is driven, he likes things to be perfect he has energy (something I am running out of these days!!) He has lot's of interesting qualities I admire! I have had some years to adjust to it all but looking back it's just not so bad!!I remember at first being so upset about his dx. But as time goes on, I have learned to deal with it, and this board has TONS of support. Everyone here really cares and understands. Also I have realized that he has ADHD, not a horrible cancer or physical disability. This can be helped, it may take awhile to find the right options, but they are there. This is just a little hurdle we have to overcome. It's very frustrating at times, but thank God he is healthy and happy!
Hope this helps and good luck to you!