DH is struggling
Thanks so much for the reassurance!!
I am not surprised that he is still struggling, as it is just his way. Both of our kids were adopted from Guatemala, and when we were in the adoption process, he did not engage at all. Wouldn't allow himself to believe that it would work out, didn't want to get attached to the idea of having a baby so it would hurt less if it didn't work, etc.
It really wasn't till we were on a plane to go meet M for the first time that he really let go of all that.
He also comes from a very judgemental family - so I think some of it is a holdover of old habits!!
I will keep working on him...after 18 years together I have become kind of good at it.
Hello dmid,
I have been lurking on the boards lately and just registered so I am a brand new newbie! I do think it is great that you are putting so much effort in with your child. When my DS was diagnosed my DH was pretty much in denial and I struggled with the entire weight myself. DH would just get mad at DS and put it all down to attitude problems. It was a slow process for me to get his help so I can understand what you are going through.
I know it doesn't help much right now but I bet your DH will come around. I finally sat down with my DH (when I was calm and kept emotion out of it) and told him I could not do it all himself. I told him that I was willing to do whatever it takes to help DS find a happy productive place in this world and I knew that DH wanted that too. I asked him to please help me. I had to do this a few times before it sunk in. But now he is as much as an advocate for DS as I am. 
Best wishes to you - don't give up.
My husband is also a bit behind me in this journey. As he sees what is working for me, he tries it out. One thing that helped was when my daughter was seeing a psychologist during the diagnosis period, we would meet with her to discuss parenting strategies. My husband and I got feedback on methods that were expected to work (positive reinforcement behavior plan, calm discussion not escalating the rages my daughter was having at the time) and what was not working. My husband also had the oportunity to work out some of his issues with medication (his family were all in a religion that does not recognize psycology/psychiatry or mental issues). My husband has come a long way.
One note on labelling...My daughter was labelled as difficult and to be avoided by parents and kids long before she was diagnosed with ADHD. She has a long ways to go, but is working on improving those relationships.
Anger is usually a higher level emotion, covering up something else. But what? Anxiety? Embarrassment? Sadness? Figure out what the core emotion is and work through that. Then you can pull together as a team. He seems to be still grappling with the situation, so he is not fully engaged yet, but at some point I'm sure he will be. Sounds like my dh! I have tried to reassure him, I have engaged him in helping solve problems and think of strategies, but when he won't stop worrying, I just ignore him and work around him. That may not be the healthiest strategy, and it probably says stuff about him, me and our relationship, but it works and I believe in using what works.With my son, I have to get his attention first if I want to get something through to him. He was making a mess in the bathroom and I told him and told him to clean up after himself but he didn't. So I put an old toothbrush in his hand and told him to scrub the toilet inside and out with it. He will still leave a mess in the bathroom occasionally, but all I have to do is ask him to clean it up and he does without a problem. You have to think outside the box when it comes to dealing with ADHD kids and spanking never worked for us. Figure out what gets their attention and then build on that.
My dh is having a very hard time dealing with all of the problems that M is having - mostly the ones at school.
He deals with things much differently than what I do - I tend to get upset, cry, get mad...then put my head down and figure out what we need to do to work through the situation.
He tends to get stuck in the getting mad/feeling bad phase, and I can't seem to get him to the point that he is really ready to fully embrace all of the things we are doing to help M. He is doing things, working with the marble rewards, trying to be more explicit in his expectations, etc. but I don't feel like he really thinks it will help.
He is very worried about M being "labled" by the other kids, he is very worried about M's future, he is just kind of a worrier by nature.
Any ideas about how I can really get him engaged and fully participating?
Enter Your Email below to claim your Free Book