Is this a problem with any of your kiddos?
I have written about this before with my daughter. Since she was like two or three even, she always blames others for her accidents or just simply says it was an accident. She doesn't usually stop to say sorry, let alone act sympathetic for the one that was hurt by her.
When she was four, I was at a garage sale and she was jumping everywhere. She accidentally bumped a toddling baby down (the baby hit her head too). Bailey just kept jumping and said "She needs to watch where she's going, doesn't she?" and laughed it off.
I couldn't help but laugh inside, BUT it was also the moment I remember paying close attention to it and talking to her about it. I've been talking to her about it ever since and she's seven. We are a very loving and sympathetic family, I'd like to think, so I'm not sure where she's getting it or what else I can do about it.
On the other hand, she is a very deep child and I am a lot of times suprised by her lack of reaction in these situations.
Thanks for any imput!
You all are so right on! When my daughter bumped the girl over, and still a lot of times to this day, I stop and get down and look her in the eye and tell her "You hurt him/her, you should apologize", etc. I've always TOLD her these things and sometimes made her write sorry notes, etc. She soon forgets about it and it happens in the same way the next time.
I think that just telling them to say sorry doesn't work, because a lot of times, they're not truly sorry. She does just think it was "just an accident". That's what I want to get to the bottom of - really having my daughter be sympathetic to the other person and wanting to make them feel better. Since I posted, I have been researching a little more online. I read an interesting article about telling children to ALWAYS make an "Apology of Action".
This, of course, means helping to clean up the mess, help the person off of the ground or writing the sorry note. I am going to concentrate on making sure she thinks of ways to do that in every circumstance.
I seem to come up with new things to worry about every day with this child. I"m sure I will be posting again soon...
I think there are many ways of teaching responsibility to our kids, even though it only shows in the longer term. Mines 16 and has a slight tendancy to blame others but it has improved drastically since he was little, when everyone was at fault but him. For years he would complain about something and I would encourage him to start the sentence with "I" instead of "They" ie: I did this, and they did that.... or I'd ask what was your part in problem. Other ways were when he lost items, or asked for my help I would say I didn't know where it was, he'd complain, so I'd say thats your problem, so please look for it yourself. He learned to take care of his things better that's for sure. I flat out ignore his blaming me or others in the home, by saying nothing or as little as possible. I also ensured that he learned to make emends for things he broke, particularly if it was not accidental- he would be asked how he could fix the problem first, but didn't usually have any ideas, so I would give him extra chores so he could pay for or replace the item. I think our children learn over time by consequences and by our role modelling for them over the years to take responsibility for there behavior. Some of the blaming of others is normal when they are younger. Good luck with the problem but I believe its a process, and doesn't disappear over night.Teaching a kid, any kid ADHD or not, that actions have consequences is so important. I'm not saying the child should be disciplined for bumping into people, but she should be brought up sharply for saying something like "Well, she should watch where she's going." If my son said that I'd yank him up and wash his mouth out with soap! You may not be able to help it, but you should take responsibility for it and at least apologize! A callous reaction when you've caused pain is inexcusable and a parent needs to let a child know in no uncertain terms that it won't be tolerated. The child will also grow up with few friends. Who wants to be around someone who not only can't take responsibility for her actions but blames the results on someone else? Little mean people grow into big mean people.
Susie- I don't know if you are asking me or what....but what I'd say is that from reading Bloopers post.....it appears her daughter is hurting the other children inadvertantly....in other words, she is not flat out clubbing the other kids...just being hyper and careless....so it is really an accident...and this is why her daughter lacks sympathy...in other words....well, it was an accident and accidents happen!...not that that is the right frame of mind but it can help in understanding her daughters behavior...
in that particular case, i would just, (and i am sure you have done this a thousand times) tell her that, even though this was an accident, the other child is hurting, "see, you hurt bobby, mommy knows it was an accident, but bobby is crying and he doesn't know if you meant to do this or not....so, please explain to bobby that you did not mean to hurt him, etc." I'd even ask "bobby" to express his feelings, ie- hurt, shocked, etc....
Here is something I might try, and I know it is unconventional but if this was a constant problem for my son, I'd stage an "accident" on my part to my son.....not hurt him by any means, but accidently bump him or whatever....then when he'd express some discomfort I'd say something like,,,,oh, you know what? that hurt didn't it.....this reminds me of what happended with Bobby yesterday, he was hurt but you didn't mean to hurt him...but now you are hurting too...and even though mommy didn't mean to do this, I can tell you are feeling pain and I am sorry for doing that......(kiss, hugh, whatever) and maybe this will help your daughter to see, first hand, what it feels like to be the other person in this scenario.....and it might give her comfort when you express remorse and therefore she may learn that it makes the other person feel better...
Just constantly reinforcing every time she either feels bad and you come to her aid, or with her stuffed animals when she plays doctor or house or whatever, the benefit of showing the other person sympathy....it makes them feel better and you feel better as well..
I am sorry...I do tend to ramble on these posts.....Eventulally I really think the child will learn empathy....it can take some kids a long time though...
This might be a little odd to some but here is what I did when I had a similar situation with my son...
He would have a few kids over playing x-box and he would be very bossy....telling them how and when to do what in the game, etc....he would not be very attentive to the other's questions and tend to speak over the other kids alot......it was pretty upsetting to hear him and I'd bring it to his attention whenever the kids left and he'd say, "I didn't do that!", etc...SO.....
I purchased a little dictaphone......I recorded him when his friends were over...then, after they left, I played it back for him and stopped whenever there was a misstep on his part and pointed it out, and explained why the other child probably didn't like that, etc.....and he was shocked!! (he also could not get over the sound of his own voice..but we all go through that whenever we hear our voices recorded!)
Anyway, I have done that a few times and it has really helped....I have seen quite an improvement on his attending to his friends needs, etc. This may not be the same as the "sorry" issue, but it is the same in that it is a lack of understanding the other person's point of view and how your behavior affects those around you....the big push for my son was that he realized that his actions could jeopardize his friendships so it was a highly motivating factor for him...
If your daughter does this with an older child, you may want to encourage the older child to verbalize how what your daughter did made them feel, I find it is often better received coming from the peers and not the parent....they want to keep that friend, playmate, etc.....so it motivates..
So what do you do when she hurts someone? What action do you take right now? It is so hard. Taking toys away doesn't do any good here either. The kid can make a toy out of his hands or a stick. HAHA. It is so hard for him to accept his faults. I just hope he grows out of this "I never do anything wrong" before he is older. I worry about that a lot.
I know! That is my biggest worry - that I will have a 14 year old dd that blames others for her actions. That's when it becomes a big deal - when they're teenagers. Enough will be my fault already, right? lol
Bailey doesn't respond to much either. Now the marble system isn't really doing much. She could care less if she gets 10 a day, or 1.
We'll see!
My son does not respond to things being taken away. He could care less because he has his brother toys. And it's not fair to take his brothers toys away. My son blames everything else for his behavior-particullary me. You made me mad. I try to tell him why I acted that way because he did not listen to me. Then I literally force him (well don't leave him alone) until he can admit that it was not totally my fault and if he would not have did what he did he would not be in trouble. Then it is sooo hard because I want to make things better for him but I have to leave him to work things out in his head. What I really want to do is go in and fix it and make him feel better but that would just be (to me at least) continuing to allow the blaming. The problem I have with my son is that he is actually blamed for things he doesn't do both at school and by neighbors because of the "label". I've actually heard the kids next door blame him for things they've done when he wasn't even around so I always have to intervene and make sure they know he didn't do it. So I'm probably partially to blame when he actually does something and doesn't apologize for it. I have told him that he is never to hit anyone (unless they hit him first - don't want him getting beat up on) and he listens to that so most of the time he's okay.SE KIDS NEED TO BE TAUGHT WHAT SKILLS THEY ARE MISSING. PUNISHMENT IS HARD CAUSE SOME NEVER RESPOND UNTIL THEY LEARN IT THE HARD WAY. bOTH US PARENTS CARED LESS AS KIDS WHAT PUISHMENTS CAME OUR WAY. OUR KIDS ONLY RESPOND TO A SPANKING. REMOVEING STUFF/TIME OUTS HAD NO IMPACT ON OUR KIDS AT ALL. i USE TO SLEEP WHEN PUT IN MY ROOM FOR PUNISHMENT. KIDS WANT MONEY SO THEY CAN GET WHAT ADULTS WON'T GIVE THEM. TODAY IS WAY DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE. I SAW A CASE WHERE A CHILD AT 16 DIVORCED HIS PARENTS. THE CHILD WON THE CASE.OUR KIDS BEHAVIOR WAS WAY BETTER WHEN THEY ATTENDED PRIVATE PRESCHOOL.REMEMBER PEERS BAD ATTITUDES WILL IMPACT THE OTHER KIDS ALSO. WASH THE MOUTH OUT FOR MOUTHY TALK. THIS IS WHAT PARENTS USE TO DO.
lACK OF SYMPATHY CAN BE SIGNS OF BP OR ASD ALSO. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT MORE WE LEARN FROM THE NP TESTING. SE FINALLY SENT A LETTER SAYING WE WILL COVER THIS TO THE DR. SOME PEOPLE NEVER QUIT BLAIMING OTHERS.