Before having children, I would definately try and have this issue sorted out. It can be a very difficult roller-coater ride being married to an ADHD man. You have to be sure you are dedicated and love him utterly, because he is going to let you down a lot, and that is not completely his fault. You have to not expect anything more than his best. But you still need to be respected by him.
You cant force him to use medications, this has to be his decision and you have to accept his decisions and then decide if you can live with it.
Perhaps writing him a letter of all your concerns and your love for him and the goals that you dream for your life together may help.
I post lots of positive affirmations on the toilet door for contemplation for both of us.
You basically have to dedicate yourself to this ride or choose a more simpler path (if there is such a thing).
But I wish you luck and am here for you if you need any advice along the way. What ever you decide, will be respected and understood.
Well, he wanted to try strattera because it's not a stimulant. And they will give it to anyone :-) It's not like putting someone on a heavy/life changing drug. It's very safe and very mild. Unfortunately the side effects for 99% of the people I have talked to are really bad. For me I had ejaculation problem, (I couldn't finish) and I was always tired. So for the average man that's enough to stop. He's on the right path, just make sure he goes back to the doctor if it doesn't work. Another hint. A month's supply of strattera is about 0.00. And if he is like me and can only handle a few days on strattera he'll be angry that he wasted his money. There are samples available from the Doctor or you can just get a 7 day supply from the pharmacy. I think he would like adderall XR, it's not harsh and it has no "speed effects" (although it can make you "high-strung.") Ritalin has a very harsh crash and maybe he is remembering bad times as a kid. Adderall is smooth and it tapers off very gradually. I think he might have a real turn-a-round on Adderall XR. Men often pretend not to listen but I think the fact that he took your advice means he IS listening. So keep encouraging him. Please keep us informed.shinsetu_hito38267.782349537Remember that men are just different from women. Sitting around chatting about things is just not one of their interests, particularly if it regards a personal weakness. If he doesn't want others to know about his ADHD, try to respect that, along with his decision to take meds or not. The fact that he told you means that he needs and wants your support. You need to find a way to communicate - my husband works well with notes and lists. Best of luck!Sophie, You can't make your husband get treated but it sounds like he got the message when you had your melt down. Now you just need to keep encouraging him. Strattera can take up to 6 weeks to reach its full impact. Some people do have a lot of side effects but not everyone. Some say the side effects go away or diminsh after a week or 2 on the medication. The best thing to do is have him contact his doctor if he is having problems or has questions. There is also a lot of informaion out on the internet so do your research together. Support him and if you want to go to the doctors with him ask him if when he goes for his med recheck which I'm guessing should be in a month or 2 if he would like you to go with him. If Strattera doesn't work there are other medications available. Did he share his experiences with Ritalin with you? The reason I ask is because many years ago when they prescribed this for young children they did not have the large dosing options available. I had a nephew on Ritalin that won't take any ADHD meds because he was dosed to high as a child and basically was so suppressed as to have no personality at all. If that happens the dose is to high and should be adjusted. That should not happen on Strattera because it is not a stimulant but it dose have other side effects. Find out about your husbands experiences it may open your eyes to why he didn't want to treat his ADHD.
As for yourself I would go see a counselor to help you with your feelings of depression. You can only do so much to help your husband but you can help yourself. If you husband is open to it maybe a couples therapist would be a good decision. I and my 8 year old son both have ADHD. We are both seeing therapist to help us deal with the aspects of ADHD that meds can't help. In my case 47 years of untreated ADHD problems. In my sons case helping him recognize his ADHD behaviors and how to cope with having ADHD. Best of Luck to you both. -Gettingagrip-
Hi, I've been with my husband for 8 years, he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 5 years old. He was on Ritalin until he was 18. He is now 31 years old. He has never been on meds since we've been together. Our relationship/marriage has always been hard. I can't talk about this with friends or family because he is extremly secretive about it. He doesn't want anyone to know. I told him it's very common and nothing to be ashamed of. Finally I had a melt down and told him I can't take it anymore, something needs to be done. The other day he came home and told me that he was gonna start taking strattera this friday. I was very confused, appearantly he went to the doctors on his own and they put him on meds. Is it that simple? should I have been there with him, maybe ask questions? I don't want to complain about this to him since he is actually doing something about it. I feel as though there should be more to it then just start taking a pill.
I am also having a hard time because people are always making jokes, saying things like "dude you need to be on ritalin, why you always so jumpy?" I can't even defend him, because I am not supposed to talk about it. He sais he doesn't care what people say, but on the other hand he doesn't want anyone to know. He didn't even tell me until 3 years into our relationship. We have been married for 1 year and it has been really hard, I want to start a family but I am really nervous. I am also nervous that he wont stay on his meds for very long, he hates putting any kind of pill into his body, I don't think he can handle the side effects. What should I do? I am very sad all the time, we always fight about things, and I can't even talk about it with anyone, sometimes I feel like I want to call it quits. Anyone has any sugestions?
sincerely,
Sophie
Sophie:First I want to say thank you all for taking the time to read my post and for all the feedback.
I will definettely take everyones advice into condideration, exept for the one from Rosina. I am sorry Rosina I don't mean any disrespect. I really appreciate your advice but I could never imagine walking out on my husband. In my opinion divorce is just the easy way out and I love my husband way too much to walk out on him especially since we've already invested 8 years. Maybe that's why the divorce rate is so high in the US because a lot of people just say "well we'll just get a divorce then"(I don't mean any disrespect towards those of you that are divorced). Well it's not that simple, in my opinion, love is easy and marriage is work, I am a true bealiver in that.
As far as having children I don't know anyone that would make a better father then him. He is just a big kid, he would never hurt me or our children. When I said he is so jumpy I ment he is hyper, and sometimes snappy. We have 3 nices and nephews ages 4,6 and 9 and he is absolutelly awsome with them. My only consern was that I don't think I can handle taking care of our child and taking care of him at the same time. I need him to be mature. I need him to stop being this big kid all the time and take me seriously. Anyway, I don't know what he is like when he is under treatment so I don't want to hope for worst, I want to hope for the better, hopefully he is gonna give the Strattera a chance and not quit with in the next week. I hope the side effects wont be as bad as most people make it out to be, it does affect different people differently, doesn't it? I don't know, I definettely have to do more research, I am actually reading a book right now called "Driven to Distraction" by Edward Hallowel. Anyone read it? Well will have to see what hapens, he starts his meds tonight.
As for me, I guess I just have to hang in there, he tells me he is a totally different person when he has his adhd under control, well I can't wait to see that.
Thanks you all for lifting my spirits up a little. I will keep you all posted.
God Bless you all and God Bless our Heros.
Sophie
Oh sophie, Im sooooo glad anything I said was helpful. I also want to clarify, if having kids is something you really want to do, don't give up the idea just yet. Like I said, with the right meds and support and counseling in order it is a definate possiblility. He will most likely make a wonderful father. It's just that in my experience with my husband I find my first instict reaction to dealing with problems was getting me no where fast. You just have to find a way, that works for you both, to talk to him without making him feel like he's being attacked. I find I get ALOT more help and involvment from my husband that way. I find my husband can be VERY helpful, I just need to point it out to him.
Now for the EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES!!!!!!! Man my husband has a MILLION of them. lol He really does. I refuse to let my hubby off the hook when he starts coming up with them. I always try to stay one step ahead so for every excuse I always have an answer. I know it's really hard, but you guys can get through this. I wish you so much happiness and strengh. you can talk to me anytime. If you don't wanna post you can always PM me or send me an email.
Lots of love,
Lisa
[QUOTE=sophie]~Lisa D
Reason #3 - And the last reason is becasue we are going to a wedding and he is the best men, so he is afraid that he wont feel good. Excuses, excuses, excuses... I think he just chickend out. I guess you can't make someone take meds, he will do it when he is ready.
[/QUOTE]
It's hard to know what his reason was, I suspect as you said he is just scared. However, strattera can turn you into an absolute zombie and it's very unpleasant when you start. Perhaps he is still planning on trying. But, as strattera becomes more well-known the word of mouth is just awful.
I would definitely talk to him again. Try to get him to tell you why. There are better drugs out there, such as Adderall XR, or Concerta. But, the strattera prescription has become almost a ritual with doctors before they will try amphetamines or the Ritalin direvitives.
If you are thinking about having kids, just wait until he has had a chance for treatment/medication to take effect.
It sometimes takes several months before the correct medication and dosage can be determined (different people have different responses to these medications). So be patient.
Once he has been recieving treatment long enough that he is able to behave consistantly for a year or so, you will know where he is at. Then you need to decide if you want to make the committment.
If he wants to keep his ADD and his treatment to himself, I think that is just fine. So long as he shares with you and continues to get treatment.
I sure don't broadcast my condition outside the immediate family. First of all, it would be a career killer for me. Many men view this sort of thing as a weakness. In my business this sort of thing can be like a school of sharks smelling blood.
Like I said, as long as he shares with you and most importantly continues to get treatment, that is most important.
ALSO:
Straterra works great for some people but has really negative side effects with others.
One reason doctors like it is that it is supposedly non-addictive. If someone has a history of substance abuse, doctors are sometimes reluctant to prescribe stimulants.
Interestingly enough, many patients with that history are also reluctant to take them. But the stimulants they prescribe (such as Ritalin and time-release Concerta) are not at all like the back-alley self-medication many of us engaed in before we knew we had ADD. I really do not think there is anything to fear regarding using these under a doctor's care unless the patient has a seriously addictive personality.
I am using Concerta and it works very well for me. It does not "cure" ADD, but does make it more manageable. I have no loss of personality, just a better ability to stay focused and complete tasks I start, not forget things, etc. At age 46 I can finally be "responsible". What was always considered to be a lack of maturity turns out to be a lack of the appropriate neurotransmitters in my brain! This has helped my self-esteem quite a bit. I have no shame regarding my ADD, but I know many people in the world do not understand it and I prefer to keep it to myself.
Please feel free to have your husband contact me if he feels like he wants to talk to another guy about anything.
tbonecharlie58@netscape.net
Hi there sophie,
Hmmm, where to start. Ohhh, first of all, I know you came to read my thread and got scared off. I almost did to. That was my first post and being non ADD I was alittle fearful of coming on and putting myself out there. Except for one particular incident, everyone has been very supportive and helpful. I'm kinda in the same boat you are. ADD affects us just as much as the person who has it, but we always feel like we are on the outside looking in. I think the advice of writing a letter was GREAT. If he finds it embarrasing It might be easier for him to read how you feel then to hear it. I know sometimes my husband feels like he needs to be on the defensive when I bring something up that concerns him, or his actions. When they become defensive they have a tendency not to hear what your saying. I think a letter would be a way to get him to hear what you have to say without being interrupted. Also, I was wondering, is your husband a sensitive man? I mean my hubby is very sensitive and tends to internalize what I say rather than take it constructively. If that's the case I know it always helps when I tell him I need to talk, I always start by saying"You know I love you more than anything". I find that sometimes helps change the mood from "here she goes nagging again" to "this really must be important to her and I know she loves me".
Next, your comment "feel like you wanna call it quits" sounded alot like my first line of my post, "i'm at the end of my rope" lol I think it's great he went to the doctor. Now for my non ADD point of view. Look at it like atleast he was listening to your concerns and actually did something about it. Yea for him and make sure you tell him that. Now this might stir something up and I apologize ahead of time. I agree with you, I don't think it should be that easy. You shouldn't just be able to walk in, get some pills and out the door you go. I think it's really important for spouses and families to be involved with the evaluation process. Although you husband may think every thing is grand, your perspective from the outside may be very different. You have every right to be there. This affects you as much as it does him. This is a partnership. Teamwork. He needs your support and the only way your can give it is if you have all the information and you go it together. Marriage is not a spectator sport. My hubby and I have been married 6 years and together 7 and I didn't even know he was on ritalin till 2 years after we were married. That is not the right way to go. Another suggestion I have from my own experience is do some research and find someone who specializes in ADD. Don't just go to the family doctor. Hopefully it will make it easier to manage his ADD as a couple and work together. If you can find a specialist that's a psychiatrist that can counsel you both as well that would be great. You might find you both need it. Just taking a pill won't make all the other issue you to will face any easier. I know from experience. It will also make it easier if you're involved with treatment in case he has any side effects, i.e. impotence problems. If you know whats going on because youre invoved it helps make him feel like he's not alone and ashamed. There's also possible side affects of mood swings and depression. It also helps to know that up front rather than being blindsided by explosions of anger and not having any clue what's going on. In the long run he'll appreciate it because you'll have a better understanding of whats going on and how to cope with it.
Now for the kids thing. We have 2, girls 5 and 7, and one on the way. I say this knowing every person is different and this is just my experience. Children are definately a possiblity. I would, however, wait until he finds meds and dosages that work great for him and you both have a great support system intact whether it be a counselor or family or friends. You most likely will find yourself feeling like youre a single parent alot of the time. Now I'm not saying your husband doesnt have great potential to be an awesome father. You just may find yourself in the parent role more than 50/50. I find I have to take all the responsiblities on myself. In the beginning I was very frustrated and worn out. For awhile I was of the opinion, "if this is the way it's going to be I might as well just do it alone anyway". You just need to take the time to ask yourself...Are you prepared to take on all the responsiblity as a parent". I realized I could and would do it and it was a great weight off my shoulders. I kept me from always being aggrivated at him for not being more involve in the "not so fun stuff" of being a parent and instead I'm grateful for the little things he does do.
I sure hope anything I had to offer was helpful. You can feel free to write me to take anytime. If you're interested I'll give you my email address. Good luck with everything. I'll be thinking about ya.
Lisa
okay okay okay okay!!!!!!!!, fair enough partners with ADHD are a pain in the butt. But coping with 'Muggles' can be a complete and utter frustration too!
My daughter is suffering from Anxiety. I suffer from anxiety also, I was trying to explain to her father and my husband (2 different men) what she is feeling.
They dont understand it at all. Then I asked my step father if he understood anxiety. He said he can see it in people, but he doesnt suffer with it and therefore does not understand it.
Conclusion: Behaviours caused by disorders, cannot be appreciated unless your suffering from it. How many gays have you heard say, Do you really think I would have chosen to be gay, with all the prejudice out there. Well it is the same with ADHD.
ADHD is not a choice and people with it would prefer not to have it. It is terrible struggling to keep it together every day without having to constantly be reminded of your mistakes as well.
My advice to both Sophie and Lisa-D is there nothing positive that your husbands offer to the world, society and your relationship? This is what you need to focus on. Support these positive qualities (and sophie I know you did mention a lot of nice things too) and once your hubbys feel like they are more worthwhile, their self esteem may improve and they may try some new things - like a suggestion of yours.
But failing all the time or not meeting expectations is demoralising, humiliating and soul destroying, and it is easy to become bitter, hard and resentful and I know I have to make a conscious choice not to become those things.
My step father was my saving grace in life, every time I saw him, he would always find a reason to say - "Rachael you are terrific sheila!" and that made me become a better person. Even though at that point in my life I was far from being a terrific sheila in any one elses eyes.
Hi Sophie WOW you are caught between a rock and a hard place. ..I would just like to say you sound like a very loving caring person, who has just had enough!! I can understand both sides. Your hubby that you love is finding this so hard. He loves you that much is true but he is putting an awful lot of pressure on you. Now he may not realise just how much. I am not explaining my self well Its almost like keeping this HUGE secret is now to much. Ok you get some ADDs that shout from the roof tops they got ADHD and don't care what folk think and you have some (ummm like me) that think and think and end up telling very few (see should I tell my employer) and feel embarrassed about it ... and how they will see you and treat you.. Ok I may be wrong on this.. but reading your letter its not that you wanted your husband to go on lots of meds but you were deeply upset to see him like this and wanted him to get help to make him happier. … and you were feeling the strain of the secret and resentful having to hide his ADD and carry him. Also maybe with you saying you had had enough may of been a blessing in disguise. … it forced him to have a hard look at things and he did not like what he saw either. Give him credit he went to the Drs (10/10). He maybe did not realise that by being so embarrassed about it it put pressure on you!! Did he think it was just his secret? Also with you telling him the kick up the backside might be all he needed to change the situation..But theirs always a but lol now this is the hard bit . … even though he is using loads of excuses.. to me he is screaming out for your support.. As I had ADHD and my Hubby has it (but thinks its a waste of time getting done at 56) we had to do a LOT of talking about support.. we found out that he expected me to support him on work but did not tell me what he was doing.. so how could I??? and I have been ill with ME and I expected him to help out more and was ***** off when he didn't .. so we talk about support a lot as we found we were not working together and getting so frustrated and resentful with each other.. this caused BIG problems in our marriage we nearly split up .. Because you both still have a lot of love for each other talking and listening to each other will help you both so much.. It did for us .. And as for kids people have often come and said what good parents we are!!!! I think its the fact we both have ADHD but differently is why!! Think all that energy and drive.. .. I hope I have not said anything that offends or upsets you, if I have I am sorry... I hope you two make it through this problem.. all the best Moon 6~Lisa D
You are such a sweetheart, thank you so much for replying, I was waiting for someone that is in the same boat to reply to my post. Your advice is wonderful, and your thoughts are also good points.
Today I am bit sad, my husband was supposed to start his strattera last night but didn't end up taking it. Reason #1- I made the mistake of telling him that if our insurance doesn't cover it could cost us about 200.00 for a months supply. Someone on this post mentioned that. He has samples from the doctor right now, he hasn't actually droped off his prescription yet. Anyways he said he wants to wait and find out if the insurance covers it or not, and if they don't he wants to go back to the doctor and get something else. Reason #2 - He also said since he had a headache that he was afraid of taking tylenol and his med at the same time, even after I called the pharmacyst and confirmed that it was ok. Reason #3 - And the last reason is becasue we are going to a wedding and he is the best men, so he is afraid that he wont feel good. Excuses, excuses, excuses... I think he just chickend out. I guess you can't make someone take meds, he will do it when he is ready.
As far as your thoughts on starting a family, I couln't have put it better myself, those are the exact reasons why I am so hesatant. I don't want to end up being an only parent, I don't want all the responsibilies to fall on me. So next time he brings up the subject that he wants to strta having kids, I think I am gonna end up quoting you. Thank you for that.
Hvae you heard about this other site? Someone here has mentioned it, there a lot of Non-Add partners with the same situation as us. I signed up yesturday, I couldn't bealive it, I felt like I was reading my story over and over again. You should really check it out. Here is the link http://www.addforums.com/forums/
Thank you again and God luck. I hope to run into you again
God Bless
~Sophie