Punishing your ADHD kids.... | ADHD Information

I don't think your gonna get bashed for your post. Finding the right
way to discipline a child with ADHD...or any child for that matter... is
a struggle we are all going through. I've never "beaten" any child, but
I have used spankings. I'm starting to be able to see the difference in
the behaviors my son can or cannot control and respond
accordingly. Just because these children have a disorder doesnt
mean they can be excused for every action. My goal is for my son to
learn what is acceptable behavior and to learn how to resist urges
that are tougher to him than others. Although my son has ADHD he
is a VERY smart little boy and can sense my weakness when it comes
to this disorder and making excuses for it. I have to be consistant
with his discipline whether he can help it or not. It's not easy and
some of us get VERY frustrated, but we all love our children and
want them (and ourselves) to learn ways to cope, resist, and
overcome the stigma's of this disorder.I totally agree with everything you write! And this post was intended for some of the "more" extreme parents! My point is that an ADHD child often want to do the right thing, but it comes out wrong, when this happens he feels unfairly treated and gets all of his "ideas" confirmed... Heck, we do feel that way as adult ADHD.... But as I said, I agree, they need dicipline, maybe a spanking as well, but what they need the most is support, understanding and patient without any "ADHD alibi" that gives them the right to do what they want.... Does it make any sense what I'm trying to say???
And smart? I'm sure of it! I think in certain ways ADHD children is way smarter thatn other children! I know I was! And my IQ tests has always confirmed it, even when I didn't know what I was "suffering" from.... Anteros39013.1774537037First of all, I've been an ADHD kid without knowing it.... And I remember now how difficult it must have been for my parents in many ways! But I've been reading some of the posts in this board and I find myself quite asonished and shocked by some of the statements from some of the parents regarding punishment!

I'll paste something I wrote in an earlier posting as follows. Think about it for a second before you "attack" me ;)

"Btw, my father was beating the crap out of me "almost every day" as a punishment (it felt like that anyway), at the end I didn't bother crying....., do you really think he cares if you take the toys away??? You'll only make him more bitter and convinced that the "world" is against him! I've lived like that for 40 years....., do you want the same thing for him? Because I can assure you that a life like that is a life without hope! I "found" myself at the age of 40 with the help of meds, don't take that possibility that he may have today away from him. So take the time to understand what he is suffering from! Beneath all that anger and "wildness" theres a little boy that is realy scared and feeling very confused!"

Just a thought for you all..... My son's Dr. admitted to me during diagnosis that, he too, has
ADHD. I believe many of the brilliant minds that built our world
wouldve been diagnosed as well. I also resent that many were social
outcasts when alive but immortalized finally in death after we were
able to see their contibutions. Today instead of allowing them to
remain outcasts, we medicate.... BUT thats a whole different Topic

I understand exactly what you are trying to say in your posts and
although MANY of us want to learn from our mistakes and victories,
still some will never understand, or nurture, or relate to the child
they were blessed with. My son has made me angry and frustrated
enough on many occasions to scream and rant...and sometimes even
"feel" like beating the hell out of him, BUT I know that's not the
answer for ANY child. These kid's do need our support. If we dont
give them the love and understanding that they need then nobody
will.

Anteros-  

You sound a lot like my older brother.  Our parents "spanked" him frequently, but the spankings sort of evolved into beatings over time because they were not effective.  They never even tried any other punishment until he was literally too big to overpower.  Even then there was an incident when he was 16 where my dad got mad and punched him in the face.  My brother didn't come home for 6 months after that.  He dropped out of high school, tried drugs and now is struggling with alchoholism.  At 32 he starting to admit that maybe his friends/girlfriends and myself are right when we tell him he has ADHD. 

My parents believed that you should behave and do what's right because it's expected and that's what god wants you to do and that there shouldn't be any reward for that.  It really isn't a very effective parenting technique. I've found reward, praise, understanding, patience, and being super consistent to be very effective.  And that's on top of treatment with meds and therapy.

Thanks for helping us remember what can happen when we as parents get stuck in an ineffective (and sometimes harmful) rut when dealing with our children. 

I agree, alot of parents use extreme measures. I also come up with "creative punishments" based on the problem at hand. For instance, when dd painted on her bedroom wall, she had to clean it, scrub the wall, help repaint it etc. It got her attention, and made her think that painting on anything besides paper is not a great idea.

I also use a reward system for good behavior, attention for both is important, but we do tend to focus more on the good.

Luckily, I had very patient parents (most of the time) which gave me something to model. It was still hard for me to become a more consistant parent. My husband has had a harder road. His parents were far from ideal, so he has had a harder time adapting to and ADHD child. I admire him for how far he has come.My son doesn't respond to spankings and long term punishments don't work.  We don't ground him for weeks unless he does something totally beyond the pale.  I've made him eat his dinner by himself (he was b*tching and moaning at the dinner table), made him scrub the commode with toothbrush (messy in the bathroom) and got dressed on the back porch (dawdling while getting dressed) among other things.  Now all I have to do is ask him if he wants me to start thinking up a punishment for whatever he happens to be doing.  I've found that with ADD/ADHD kids, you have to think outside the box.  Punishment doesn't have to be mean, it doesn't have to hurt, it just has to get their attention!

Anteros,

I guess that part of the reason he has changed, is that what his parents did was not effective. He has always said that he grew up in spite of his environment, not because of it (which really used to anger his mom).

One thing on the board that has helped me alot is reading about the experiences of people who have struggled with ADHD as kids and how thier parents handled things (god and bad).

that was even if a little bit unclear part of my point! Good work Susieb and Vickie! I'm glad to hear that your husband is working on his educational and parenting skills Vickie, it must be hard "leaving" your own ideas when you think that it works and worked on yourself!