I don’t like my daughter anymore | ADHD Information
Isn't that awful that I don't even like my own child? I feel guilty for these feelings and I know they are wrong. But each day after school is an absolute nightmare. Not only after school is bad, but other times as well... when she doesn't get her way or when she's asked to do something. We walk on eggshells - never knowing when she's going to freak out and have a tantrum and disrupt the entire household. I work nights, so most of the time I am in tears the entire drive to work because of having to deal with H after school.
It bothers me that I don't like to be around H anymore, but it's always a battle and a volatile situation. Being away from her is a reprieve from the anguish, the arguments, the attitudes and everything that goes with her mood. Do I LOVE my daughter? YES! Unfortunately, I can't stand to be around her anymore because her behavior is worsening as opposed to getting better.
Is there any one out there who can relate to how I'm feeling? How do you cope with the guilt of feeling this way? Will this feeling pass once progress is made?
You are not alone!!!!! We have all been in that same spot! I know it feels bad to feel that way, but no were does it say we have to like our children 100% of the time. We do love them and that is the 100%, and that is the one that counts. If you liked her all the time, i'd really worry!
How old is she? what is her dx? Is she on meds, if so which ones? Let's see if we can help you out. We just need some more info, that's all.
Welcome to the board, keep posting, we are here to help!
My daughter will be 10 in January. She will be taking the TOVA test on Wednesday and we will have the results at that time. That was our first step - if she does not have ADD, then I suspect her final dx to be ODD. Her father is bipolar and I suffer from depression, so she gets it honest. At this time, she is not on any meds. We have tried everything we can, but to no avail. Her behavior is worsening and our patience is lessening. So, we are getting very aggressive about finding out what we can do to help her, help us all, and have this child live a happy life without conflict and anger.
Thank you for understanding. I'm glad I found this forum.
Well if indeed it is ODD, punishments are going to be very hard for her. I'm not sure how that will work. I know that spankings will not be effective and will probably do more harm than good. (too bad, that would be an easy fix ssshhhh i didn't say that
). What kind of discipline do you use with her? have you tried writing sentences? I hear that works well with ODD. Does she sleep good? ogram39013.911087963Well, we have tried everything. We have used time-out, we have grounded her from friends and activities, she has had privileges taken away (TV, gameboy, her stereo, her bike, no swimming, etc), then we tried to spank her, and nothing works. Yes, she sleeps well. I haven't heard of the sentence writing thing. Perhaps I'll try that. Knowing her, she'll sit down at the kitchen table, press hard into the table top while writing, and create another gouge in my table.
I try and try to keep my patience with her, keep my voice calm, and not engage in battles with her... but she can push me past my limit and then I lose control and yell at her. It drives me crazy when she acts so disrespectfully of others and shows extreme lack of consideration for anything.
I'm at the end of my rope here!
I'd try making her write sentences. start out small. say 10 at a time, just to see how it works. she needs to have "instant" results. You will have to be fast with the punishment. Make is quick and painless for you and her. for every punishment, you should give her 2 praises. Even if you have to pull them out of the air. Like, your hair is nicely combed, or thank you for taking your plate to the sink. Special needs children crave that need of approval and when they get the negativity, it really plays down the esteem. after she is told what her punishment is, tell her what she will get after she completes it as a reward. and if she doesn't complete it in a calm timely manner, then you will add 1 or 2 more sentences to it. put a cutting board under the paper, don't raise your voice. don't let her see your emotion. keep it simple and she will see you are not getting emotionally involved ( i know how hard that is, but trust me, if you leave the emotion out, she will stop the tantrums). then you will have won the first battle!
I can relate yes I can. My six year old son was diagnosed with ADHD, it's almost been a year now. His neaurologist has him on Seroquel 25 three times a day along with Amphetamine (Adderral XR) salt tabs three times a day. During this summer while on school recess he was just on Adderrall XR once a day and Seroquel 3 times a day. He made so much improvement in school this year, Academically it really has chng him. But his attitude "Stinks". I have to fight w/him to get in the shower, I have to pop him in his mouth when he gets an attitude w/ me or his step-dad or even his grandmother. He is always complaining that he is bored and has nothing to do,he thinks that he is supposed to be doing something all the time. Right now he is on punishment until further notice b/c he chooses to do what he wants to do. I love my first born he is my everything but I can not stand him when he is like this. He can be the sweetest loving and caring child but there are times when he can really be a pain in my you know what. I contacted his neaurologist to see if I need to come in the office with him. Because I can not take it anymore I am going to go into the crazy house. When I come in from work everyday lately he starts acting right up, and I only have one other child than him. I have a soon to be 2 yr old daughter I do not have any intentions of having anymore children my tubes have been burnt. Thank God!!!!
He loves his sister so much I know it is not a jealousy factor,but than again I do not know what it is. I Need HELP .........Hi and welcome. I often feel this way also. You are not alone!! Maybe you could try Ogram's marble system for rewarding good behavior. Sometimes all it takes is a little incentive for behaving well, and not it's not bribing our kids! In our house, I have posted 4 house rules. They are posted everywhere. I keep it at four because I think a longer list is just too much for 6-7 year olds. The rules are 1. No name-calling, 2. Keep Hands and Feet to Yourself, 3. No Yelling, and 4. Sharing. They know if they break one of those rules it is an automatic time-out.
As for our reward system--dh just implemented it yesterday because he has the most trouble getting the girls to mind him--dh came up with this to do at bath and bedtime. Bath and bedtime, which he is in charge of, has become out of control. He came up with a point system. They get points for certain good behaviors and negative points for bad behaviors. Depending on how many points they end up with at lights out determines what privileges they get the next day such as screen time, staying up later, etc. At the end of the week, he adds up the points and if they get X amount, they get to pick a prize out of the prize bag (dollar store stuff).
And I don't know what your feeling about stimulants is, but I found that meds really curbed dd's impulses to lash out at us. We still have trouble when the meds wear off, though.
I too can also relate,In fact it got so bad a couple of days ago that we had to remove our 13 year old son from our home. He is living with our new pastor and his wife at this time but I don't know what the future holds. We have a wierd twist though with our situation that I was wondering if anyone else was dealing with and if so could you give us some ideas....Our son is in the middle of seeing a new psyciatrist and having a new neuropsych done for a new complete eval. but the problem is that he doesn't seem to have any problems well he is in school. He is in a new school since we just moved in July and the teachers seem to be floored when they find out about him. Why is it just at home and why mainly just us or other family members????? I read a book that helped. I don't know if it would apply to your daughter. Maybe others have read it and can tell you if they liked it. The title is The Explosive Child. It sounds like your dd is explosive, and I've found it helpful in reducing the number and extent of my dd's outbursts.I can totally relate Tracey. My DS is 11 and ODD and ADHD - ah what a nightmare combination! He is now on meds and what a difference! Night and day! Risperdal is manna to our family. This is one of 4 of the meds he currently takes and it is the one that helps the most with the ODD side of him. Before he was on it I did not like him at all, he was horrible to be around. I felt so guilty that I found myself crying myself to sleep most nights. He would make me so angry with all the battles, then I found myself wishing he was someone else's kid. I loved him but could not hardly stand to be around him.
He still has his moments and some days I still want to not be around him but it is nowhere near his previous behaviour. I actually like him most of the time.
The most important thing to keep in mind is do not argue with her. Do not give her any emotion what so ever. Be firm - do not make idle threats. Be consistent. Tell her what the consequences will be then follow up - do not back down.
Helpfully you will get her diagnosis soon and then be able to help her. Good luck. Hang in there - one day at a time.
It is so hard. I def have moments that I don't like my daughter, usually when I'm exhausted and she's off in her own world, not paying attention to what I'm telling her to do or when she's arguing back. Bedtime and getting ready for school, for instance...
I have said things to her that I regret, I've slammed stuff around myself, but mostly try so hard to just get away from the situation until I can gather myself. Guilt never goes away...
You really aren't alone!
Thanks so much I am defin. going to try out both of the systems that you have going on in your home. I tell you every little bit helps. I'm defin all for the meds. b/c w/out them my son would be totally out of control and he is so talented and loving and caring and creative that I do not want that to be taken away from him but to come out of him in a postive way. Thanks again.
How is it that my 6 year old daughter can inspire a rage in me that I have never experienced before? I love her so much but sometimes I want to stangle her. It has been so hard for me to hide my anger from her but I know that it is essential. Once again last night she had me yelling like a maniac over her attitude she was giving me. Then I feel like a fool. Does anyone have any tips on controling the anger you feel so your child doesnt see it???My child has Moderate to Severe ADHD with Inattentiveness and ODD and sometimes things can get rough. It can be hard but my love for her and mommy time outs help. Yes I tell her I need a time out and go somewhere alone in the house and that bothers her that she follows me sometimes and will grab onto me and hug me clinging and then I melt and hold her back.
Do you have a psychologist? Ours has been a blessing and he has his own ideas that work for her for instance when she mis-behaves she loses a privilage and either has to show good behavior to earn it back or has the choice to earn it back by doing a chore Mom decides on. This way she is held responsible not me and she decides how long the punishment will be for giving her some authority. Our psychologist has a book about to be published and when he does I will share it. Another good book to read is "The Strong willed child" that has helped me a lot and it is written by Robert MacKenzie, good luck.
If she is giving you an attitude and you start to lose your temper - immedietely send her to her room, or another room that is not in visual vicinity to where you are at. Do not let her re-engage you until you are back in control and can distance your mind from the anger and frustration. If you need to go outside for a few minutes - then go. Do not let her see your emotion, she will feed on it. As long as she can make you lose control and yell - then SHE is the one in control. Tell yourself that over and over. Remind yourself when you are seeing signs that it is going to be a rough day. That thought alone help me a bunch. Of course I still feel the itch to strangle at times - that is when I send DS to his room or I go sit on the front porch- before I let him know he is really getting to me.[QUOTE=hesmyP&J]If she is giving you an attitude and you start to lose your temper - immedietely send her to her room, or another room that is not in visual vicinity to where you are at. Do not let her re-engage you until you are back in control and can distance your mind from the anger and frustration. If you need to go outside for a few minutes - then go. Do not let her see your emotion, she will feed on it. As long as she can make you lose control and yell - then SHE is the one in control. Tell yourself that over and over. Remind yourself when you are seeing signs that it is going to be a rough day. That thought alone help me a bunch. Of course I still feel the itch to strangle at times - that is when I send DS to his room or I go sit on the front porch- before I let him know he is really getting to me.[/QUOTE]
Great ideas. This is how I survived my ODD/ADHD child. I still say, "im not argueing with you, and walk away", At 16 he loves to argue, but its no fun to do it alone. Yes to all you parents, I didn't always like him, and definitely thought I'd go nuts a bunch of times. I know people aren't a fan of 1-2-3 Magic, but it saved my sons butt, as well as our marriage. It helped me to teach him what was wrong without him getting yelled at all the time, and made to feel like a terrible kid.
OMG IndyTracey you sound exactly like me!
I have a 13yo dd that has gotten me to the end of my rope!! I am desperate for advice. I will go back and read the advice you got here when I get a chance!
You're not alone
I just want to thank everyone for their responses - I feel much better, and a little less guilty. H will be taking the TOVA test today to check for ADHD, my personal therapist thinks she has a little ADD, mixed with some ODD, and some bipolar disorder. It's fair to mention that my husband has bipolar disorder, so this would make sense.
God grant us all the patience to do right by our children and help them become kind, considerate, loving and successful adults.
Tracey