Newbie needs help with anger | ADHD Information
Hi. I've just discovered this forum and I am so relieved to find out that I am not alone dealing with an ADHD child. I recently became a relative caregiver to my niece, 13 and my nephew, 16. Both have been in long term foster care since they were toddlers. Unfortunately, I was not adequately prepared for the situation esp. with my niece. She and I "battle" at least once sometimes twice a week regarding her behavior. She constantly interrupts me when I'm talking, talks to herself ALL the time, is disruptive on family outings and it is next to impossible to get her to go to bed on time during school nights. I try so hard to be patient but I find myself yelling at her or saying something mean just to get her under control. Then I feel so guilty for treating her that way. Any advice on what to do to control my anger? I am considering anger management classes but I don't have the time or the $$$ to do it right now but I've got to find a way to stop yelling. How do you control your temper when dealing with these kids?And keep up with these forums! I feel so much better since I've joined and started checking in every day! It really helps to read that you're not alone. When I'm upset, I get on and post it. Others do too. It really keeps me in check!
[QUOTE=Teetads]Hi. I've just discovered this forum and I am so relieved to find out that I am not alone dealing with an ADHD child. I recently became a relative caregiver to my niece, 13 and my nephew, 16. Both have been in long term foster care since they were toddlers. Unfortunately, I was not adequately prepared for the situation esp. with my niece. She and I "battle" at least once sometimes twice a week regarding her behavior. She constantly interrupts me when I'm talking, talks to herself ALL the time, is disruptive on family outings and it is next to impossible to get her to go to bed on time during school nights. I try so hard to be patient but I find myself yelling at her or saying something mean just to get her under control. Then I feel so guilty for treating her that way. Any advice on what to do to control my anger? I am considering anger management classes but I don't have the time or the $$$ to do it right now but I've got to find a way to stop yelling. How do you control your temper when dealing with these kids? [/QUOTE]
You've chosen a very difficult but honorable path. This is going to test you to your limits. Be prepared to go through some very rough times, but if you're tenacious, you're going to get through it and you're going to serve these kids in a very good way.
The cheapest way that I can think of to control your anger is to become empathic. That means you're going to have to try to step inside the shoes of your children. Feel their feelings and frustrations. Know their limitations, fears and doubts. Know that they are hurt, frustrated and feel abandoned and need someone like you to lift their spirits and save them from the chaos of their destiny. When you can put yourself in the right place where you truly value and know where they are coming from, what good souls they are, what their true potential is and you combine that with love in your heart that emanates from your chest like a light, you'll find that your anger dissolves. It's a process your going through and you'll learn. Don't beat yourself up. I think it's probably very true that just about every parent of an ADHD suffers through the School of Hard Knocks. The education there is fantastically rewarding though. :)
Good Luck!
You are definitely not alone. Keep in mind that thier maturity lags thier peers by about 1/3 (the 13 year old acts like a 8-9 year old...) and with the other things they have dealt with frustration, anger and anxiety are probably high. Look at the marble system by Ogram thread for positive reinforcement behavior modification (top thread in this section). There is also a thread on yelling (basically yelling just escalates things):
http://www.adhdnews.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=21684& KW=former
Hope these help.
vickie39015.6186226852I would just tell yourself over and over that she is 10 years old. Pretty soon when you deal with her, you'll think this way...and that's how she really is inside her head.Rastaban, wow, what you said is excellant.. i am clipping that out and bringing that home..
Teetads,..... I am also a caregiver of a foster son, there should be support for you at your county family services. I would suggest calling the children's social worker and explain you are in crisis. Do not worry they are going to ""take"" the kids away from you. A family placement is the ideal situation for your niece and nephew. Family Services are there to help you with anything to make the connection work between you three. I would also suggest having the children taken in for a complete physical. If they did not explain this to you: even if you have adopted the children what your health insurance does not cover the state will cover the rest of any medical expense. If you have not adopted the children the state MA will cover any and all medical/counseling expense. So please do not worry about $$ being a factor in getting the family counseling you might require.
Sorry DS is up and about I will add more later. 
OK back again. It is quite possible your DN might be pushing you away so she does not get attached. If she has been in and out of foster homes for most of her life. She might be thinking, "OK lets get this over with so I can move on to the next stop in the foster care train". Pushing your buttons could possibly be her way of getting the process started, if that is what she has learned in the past. ""They are going to make me move anyways so why not have some control of why and when I am moved."" I would reassure her every chance you get how glad you are that they are living with you now and that you love them no matter what they do or what has happen to them in the past. The more she trusts you not to give up on her the better life will get around your house.
The talking to herself might be a comfort mechanisms. I would listen and learn more of her past. My DS has complete conversation with himself. I actually enjoy this time because he is not jumping off the walls when he does this activity. LOL The interrupting..just hold up 1 finger where she can see it and continue what you doing until you are ready to talk to her. She will get the idea but it will take some time and patience from you.
Country39016.2713425926Hi and welcome. In addition to the other advice I would say to visit your doctor. It could be that reservoir of patience has been drained away by anxiety and/or depression. There are medications out there that can make you feel much better. I started taking Lexapro and I have tons more patience and am much less irritable, and last but not least, much less overwhelmed. I feel like I have my ability to cope back. Good luck to you and stick around!
I went to the CHADD conference and attended a session on stress and parenting and ADHD child. Here is a technique she taught us. First you want to write yourself a contract that states the kind of parent you want to be in two or three adjectives i.e. (nuturing, supportive, guiding etc.). When you feel yourself about to explode at your daughter you 1. stop, 2. deep slow breaths from the abdomen (this helps diffuse your anger), 3. think. remember your contract. remember the kind of parent you want to be. take one of your adjectives you chose and respond accordingly. Turn the moment into a teaching moment and hopefully the situation turns itself around. You'll feel better about yourself and your daughter and vice versa.
Keep in mind that its not an overnight solution and takes plenty of practice. Hope this helps.
tasmanian devil......I like that idea. I am getting ready to write myself a contract now. I often feel very overwhelmed with my 7yo dd. We seem to butt heads at times then our voices start to raise (never all out yelling eventhough I feel like it). I am going to try this & see what happens. Thanks 