What is it about thank you notes? | ADHD Information

I second the picture idea- my son also does that as he has a terrible time getting his thoughts on paper.  I also found these thank you cards (I think from some fundraiser) that were fill in the blank style "Thank you for_______________.  I love it!"  Cheesy, but better than nothing.I think the lost art of thank you notes is hard for any child and they should be allowed to say thank you however they please: a picture they drew, a phone call, an e-mail, etc. Making it torture might just have the opposite effect than the one you want; instead of learning to be gracious, they just might become resentful of HAVING to do it, and then never do it on their own, especially if their friends never do it.  Just a thought.

I'm always hesitant to use food as a motivator b/c there's a chance that it will create food problems in the long run.  I know if it really will, but it seems like it might.  And it's not like I have any better ideas for motivating your son. 

Anyway, would he like to make up a poem?  Or would he rather type the thank yous? Or maybe he could start the letter by telling the recipient about something that is happening at school or at home.   

I think that the root of the problem is that he isn't all that grateful for the gifts and so it's hard for him to express gratitude.  That's not a criticism of him.  He's 6 and he has different social perspectives than you and I have.  He wants to write things that are his thoughts and feelings and experiences and he doesn't want to write things that don't originate in his mind.  Does that make sense? 

Hi.  Six is pretty young, so I think if you give him some extra help and support then that would be appropriate.  For example you could transcribe what he dictates about the present and let him sign the note himself.  I don't know how many notes you have to write, but even 5 for a 6 year old could be overwhelming for him.  I have my daughters write their own thank you notes, also.  At six, I think they only did 1 or 2 per day until they were done.  I write out the thank you note "template" that they can copy onto their note. 

I agree with the others, you have 2 choices:  you can punish him for not doing them, or you can offer a reward for doing them.  I favor offering a reward.  Try to avoid a power struggle about this.  It isn't worth it in the long run!

Thank you everyone for your advice. He got them done last night and
actually seemed proud- yeah! Each one he would resist,resist... then
something would click in his head and he would write furiously, and it
would be the coolest most original thing! I told him I could hear his voice
saying it when I read what he wrote. Every single thing is like that... he
can't seem to remember that he succeeded before, and has to fight the
same battles (with me and with himself) again and again. I guess that is
one of the main challenges of ADHD; they can't easily access past
experiences to learn from them. He did really seem to respond with pride
this time, which is new and great. Praise actually seemed to make him
happy, and an extra treat in his lunch didn't hurt either. Baby steps... I practically have to torture my son to get him to write thank you notes.
This is a child who has an Asperger-like obsession with writing,
expresses himself well in writing, and wished for pens and writing stuff
for his sixth birthday, which we celebrated saturday. Yet when I sit him
down to do it (which is discussed a great deal ahead of time) he locks up
and gets very defiant. I can't threaten him with losing the actual presents
themselves, as he doesn't value them enough. This sounds horrible, but
the last few holidays I have used meals. Two notes completed and he gets
his lunch, two right before dinner and he may have dinner, etc. He only
has two more to do tomorrow night, but there will be homework (he must
complete homework to earn dessert) and nightly reading (he must
cooperate with toothbrushing and bathing to earn reading). I can use
trick-or-treating I guess, but it isn't an immediate consequence, so he
will just not do them, then completely freak out Tuesday night when I
won't let him go. (No time to play this game on tuesday) That WOULD
eliminate the whole candy issue... hmmm. Tempting. Still wouldn't get the
notes written, though.

Any ideas?Try the marble system?  I read about it on Fri, discussed it with my hubby and we are going to get some marbles to try this with both our boys.  By the way my youngest son turned six on Friday, so your boy is one day younger than him.  I also know a boy who is one day older!  I am very glad that Halloween isn't so big in South Africa - !

I don't know how old your son is but how about making it more fun for him. Like could he decorate the thankyou notes with stickers or make it a project you do together by making homemade thank you cards?? Just a thought off the top of my head which is longing for a pillow to lay on.  (Tired and heading for bed so I hope tomorrow I won't read this and wonder what the heck I was thinking, LOL)

Gutsy's suggestion about the Marble system is a great one. It works for many parents and has been for years with teachers in the classroom.

Good luck!

 

Auntie, we did the craft thing last Christmas and it worked better than
anything before, but it still took three stormy vacation days to do eight of
them. He just turned six, and I have never had any luck with any kind of
token system. He used to rip sticker charts apart out of frustration- no
way will I give him projectiles! The marbles will have to wait a little while
longer. I think rewards are just too abstract for him; that is why food, in
his sight, is all that works. His school gives out little tickets for various
things, like being helpful or kind, or winning a contest. Ten can be
redeemed for a prize. He must have fifteen or so tucked everywhere in his
backpack. They show up in the laundry and his lunchbox. He never thinks
to redeem them. He admires things in stores, but never asks for them
(yeah!!) I think because he can't make the mental picture of himself,
owning the object. I don't know if that makes any sense. He has just
started to imagine; maybe that will help.

Would he do any better calling the person and thanking them? Even if he doesn't say the exact words  "Thank you for....." you could maybe do the initial dial up, tell the person your son wants to thank them for the gift and then hand the phone to him.

I know...  probably not the best idea but I guess I'm grasping a straws much like you are.  Maybe it just isn't worth it to make him do this....????

Sorry, I wish I could help. 

I think a craft approch would help. Get him to do a drawing and just write thank you very much on it. i would love to get a picture more than a letter. Could always do a stack of pictures in advance.