Supportive Families | ADHD Information

We are in the same boat. My parents will not take the kids at all, we have a 5 year old with adhd, a 4 year old and a 6 month old. My hubby and I have not gone out alone at night since our 5 year old was a baby. Our friends expect us to watch their kids but they can never watch ours. they say they have other plans but I think its because they don't think they can handle our 5 year old.  I don't need someone all the time just maybe 1 a month so hubby and I can have some alone time, beside when the kids are in school. Is this too much to ask????

I say cultivate an energetic, responsible teenager.  I know, few and far between, but they DO exist..have the teen come over an dplay with the kids while you are 'busy' elsewhere in the house, and then you can see how they interact and respond to any thing that comes up.  Once you are sure that the teen can handle things, start with short trips to the store, etc, leaving them alone with the kids.  Then work up from there.  Sometimes teens do not see a major problem with a hyperactive child, they just play with them and embrace the hyperactivity!   And in my experience, my children almost always save their worst misbehaviors for ME , and behave like a dream for a sitter! A good sitter is worth a thousand reluctant relatives.

BTW there is absolutley no reason to feel badly about leaving the kids from time to time (with a responsible, caring individual) , you need to keep your marriage and your connection to your spouse strong for the children, and the best way to do that is to have some alone time with him from time to time to remember what made you fall in love in the first place.

I feel for you guys, but I am not in that position I am very lucky with my sister. My parents live in GA, we are in Pa, they had the boys for a week this summer first time.. My parents take my sister's 4 girls for two weeks every summer, mine are just starting to go.. they are momma's boys.. my parents are great with them.. they take them all over and spoil them... my brother lives near my parents.. So they are very close with my niece and nephew, and do lots with them...I am so thankful for my family realtionship. My inlaws live here, and my mil will take them whenever, my boys are also much younger than the other grand kids.. the inlaws give all the grand kids whatever they want... another issue..

I would check with your friends they may like watching your kids... Yes, kids really do pick up on someone not wanting to see them...

OK, maybe this is a dumb question, but here it is.  Can't you hire a babysitter?  We don't have any relatives living closeby, so we use sitters.  Well worth the money, in my opinion!

Gutsy, boy do I understand where you're coming from!!!  When my husband and I and our two boys moved back to our hometown 4 years ago, we were excited to tell his parents about it, as they still live here. My mother-in-law says, "Well, it's nice that your (my) sister is so close. You can ask her to babysit."  This is the woman who takes my brother-in-law's three kids for weekends when the parents want to "paint" some room in the house, like they couldn't do it with their children at home.  Since we have lived here, my m-i-l has watched my sons (and I really only mean 1 since the oldest has always been old enough to stay alone and was spoiled silly by her with little gifts when he was small) exactly twice....in 4 years....but she's watched both of her other children's children at least a dozen times.  Now, a person might think that my youngest is too hard for her to handle...WRONG!!  He loves to explore the toys she buys at rummage sales and is always very good at their house, and the other brother-in-law has a set of twins that were so naughty they could peel paint off the walls with all their knocking around. I don't get it.  If they don't want to foster that relationship, then so be it.  Their loss.

Sorry I went on, this subject really hacks me off.

It is sad that the one set of grandparents are acting this way. They will be the ones that ultimately lose when your kids do not make time for them. My in-laws have passed on, and it is actually easier without them. The favortism, bigotry and hate they could express at times would have cause me to limit the time my kids spent with them.

Oh and the husband thing...He has a heart defect and it gives him problems sometimes. He is back home and recovered.

I feel so bad for you!  I am a gramma, and I watch my grandbabies every monday night while my daughter teaches at her dance studio, from about 4:15 til 7:30. They are ages 2, 4,and 6, and can be a handful.  Last year, I had them 3 nights a week, but after caring for children all day, it was too much to do 3 nights a week. Her children are not special needs children, but it would not make any difference..I bbsit for 2 autistic (I think?) boys, twins every weekday, and I am NOT related to them.

I know that her MIL (who teaches special ed at an elementary school) tells her that she cannot handle all 3 of them at once...and they are not bad kids, just busy and young.

I do know all about the favoritism issue, though with me, it was my MIL favoring my firstborn WAY over her sister, born 6 and 1/2 years later.  That was torture, to hear my 2 year old crying all the way home from a visit with her gramma, saying, "I don't know why gramma doesn't love me like she does Jonna, I am a good girl, I love HER!"  It upset Jonna as well, it was so obviously one sided, and still is to a degree.  We have discussed it with MIL til we are worn out to no avail.

Is there a friend that may be able to watch them? Or maybe even 2 friends, divide and conquer so to speak?  I hope that you can work this out...I wish that I could help...

Anne

Those of you who have supportive families, you are lucky.  Appreciate them.

My hubby and I NEVER go out alone.  But this Saturday is his company function, it's a dinner and a live show, and frankly we need the time as a couple. We really want to go.  So he asks his sister, who's a divorced mom of two and whose children we babysit quite frequently to have them on Saturday night. Only to be told it's her "weekend off" (!) (do moms get these). Her kids are going to their dad's and there's no way in heck she would spoil her plans to babysit our kids. So what goes around comes around, she's going to get a mean surprise when next she asks us to have hers.

My dad is going into hospital overnight tomorrow so we really didn't think it would be fair to ask my parents to have the kids on Saturday night, so hubby phones his mom and dad (who live on the same premises as said daughter and her two kids, run around after those kids like they were their own, and who once told me that "a daughter's children are more your grandchildren than a son's are" (yes, really!!!).  Only to have his dad rushing to get him off the phone and hear his mom shouting in the background about how my mom is "getting away with it again" and that they would be "stuck with my kids"! Well I'm darned if anyone's going to be stuck with my kids.  The last time they babysat my kids was sometime last year, and I really could use their help with my special needs kids. They couldn't even care that my son is going to a "special needs" school next year. 

Okay, I feel better now!

I really feel for you Gutsy. We do not have close relatives. My ex-sister-in-law takes the girls once in a while (it is an hour ride to get there). We are lucky the kids have some hyper friends and we switch with them once in a while. It saves our sanity, especially a couple weeks ago when my husband was hospitalized with chest pain.

Oooh! I hope he's okay!  (Your hubby I mean). My parents can be quite supportive.  I do understand though my mom's point of view, she's had her kids and wants to enjoy this time of her life now. But I really honestly don't impose. If we go out alone once every six months it's a lot. It's the other grandparents I can't understand, it's obvious that they want to spend as much time as possible with their other grandchildren.  (who by the way are not angels either, i'm almost sure my nephhew has adhd, when he is with my oldest, it's a bit like hell on earth)

My biggest concern re this is one day my sons (esp the oldest who is VERY perceptive) are going to wonder why Nana and Bampie don't want to spend any time with them. It hurts, my two were their first grandkids and they adored them until the others came along, now they've forgotten they exist.

Gosh, we don't have many close close friends and those that we do have have absolutely no experience with kids.  I don't think they'd know what to do with mine ....

I believe when you have kids its to take responsiblity for them yourselves, not to palm them off on any possible person. Which is why we so rarely do it and my mom usually does help when she can, just this time she will have her hands full because my dad is having an op under anaesthetic tomorrow and will be out on Sat.  We TOLD the inlaws this....

The grandparent thing is really weird.  It's like because they favour their daughter, her children come first over ours.  My hubby was sad over this this evening, he said he feels like a second rate child and that his parents aren't treating ours like proper grandkids. I felt so bad for him.  I've discused it with them once, asked them to stop favouring the other two and that my two could really use the input but it hasn't helped.  So it's a tough one. My oldest was upset today that he couldn't go there on Saturday and wanted to know why. Maybe I should have him phone them and ask them. Maybe then they'd realise they have four grandkids not just two.

Gutsy, I am sorry you are going though this  It sounds all too familiar over here as well.

we rarely go out  about every 6 months and a friend looks after them.

my hubby works offshore so when he is home we do get time together while the kids are at school and on a thursday we have all day as a part time carer takes jude for the day.so it is not too bad.

i would not speak to PIL again until they see sense and your sister in law should not need you if they look after the kids.next time she phones tell her where to go.