My Story... | ADHD Information
Hi. I apologize in advance for a long post, but here goes...
I am a 32 year old male who was diagnosed with ADHD almost a year ago. My adult life has seemed like a consistent slide downhill.
A little background: As a child, I always had difficulty finishing my shcoolwork. Homework assignments would drag through the evening sometimes until late at night. I could never finish tests on time; however, my teachers (at a Montessori school) would often let me skip the next period to finish, because when I did, I would usually have a near perfect score. I read and reread the questions, and was terrified of mising an answer because I hadn't read the question right. I got good grades, but on report cards my teachers always commented that I was a "space cadet", or that I "marched to the tune of a different drummer". I felt a bit like an outsider at first, but then acheived popularity for my sense of humor. I also landed in the chair outside the principle's office many times. When I did get sent to the principle, my teachers would speak to me in this knowing tone, as if to say "you're so smart--why do you have to clown around". I always struggled to pay attention/keep up when we did worksheets or workbooks in class together, and later I could never take legible or thourough notes. In little league, my coach stuck me in right field, because I was often caught daydreaming or observing passing geese when the ball came my way. When I caught a game-ending fly ball, sealing our win, the star player on the team joked "he was just putting his glove up to block the sun from his eyes!" Once, I hit what should have been a double, but "overran" my teammate on 2nd base (how could I run and pay attention to who was where at the same time?) In soccer, I once drove the ball all the way down the field, only to score a goal for the other team. The first sport I ever excelled at was raquetball; I only had to pay attention to one thing. In middle and highschool, my grades were marked by periods of acheivement, slides downhill, and quantum efforts to get back ahead. These years were also punctuated by many disciplinary run-ins; though I got many "demerits", I was never considered a really bad kid, because most of my crimes were lateness to school/class, not paying attention, or joking around with others in class. Again, paying attention/taking notes was a struggle; I usually got by, and well, by photocopying others' notes and cramming for tests. Cliff's notes were my best friend. In college, in one class without an attendance policy, I attended four times: to take the quarter, mid-term, and final exams, again borrowing the notes of a classmate. I got a high B.
In my early adult life, I can remember feeling like I had all of this energy, but could never figure out what to pour it into. I have held dozens of jobs. Video production, driving a forklift, data entry, waiting tables, temping at various companies and agencies--Morgan Stanley, Citibank, Motown and Polygram Records, St. Louis Department of Health, the Social Security Administration offices, Liz Claiborne Foundation, and many, many more. I have volunteered as a reading mentor, worked in retail, delivered pizzas, substitute taught in three different school districts, telemarketed vinyl siding, done landscaping and apartment demolition/rehab, and worked as an instructor at the locol Zoo's day camp educational program. These jobs took place in four different cities (NY, Boston, Cinncinnatti, St. Louis). In New York, I learned to excercise daily, and went on a 12-mile rollerblade with a large group every Wednesday evening. For the first time in my life, I started to feel slightly competent and lived for Wednesday nights. During this time, I applied, and got into, law school in Boston. Within two months of starting school, I couldn't get out of bed. I remember feeling like my "brain didn't work the way it needed to" to get into the law. Judgements on cases were too black-and-white, and seemed arbitrary, and not in keeping with the creative, relative way that I had come to see the world.
I returned to my home town and sought treatment for clinical depression (1996). Since then, I have continued to "job hop"; after several years of temping, subbing, and working as a camp counselor, I finally got my first full-time job with healthcare: Outdoor Education Coordinator (running residential camp for sixth graders). Eight months of the year, I worked in a small office, set my own agenda and schedule for recruiting staff, designing program activities, getting school contracts, designing our website, and running as many errands out of the office as I could. Four months of the year, I was running around from the time I awoke until I hit the sheets; the program stuck to a strict schedule that was broken into segments of no longer than 45 minutes. It was in this environment that I felt most alive, most able to function as a "normal" person, and contribute something of my talents. Two years ago, a four and a half year relationship ended very painfully. A couple of my quirks that annoyed her the most: 1) I never took the most direct route while driving, but always took the scenic route, never seeming to be concerned with time, and 2) Although I am a good cook, I could never "sit down and enjoy" a meal. As a bachelor, I eat mostly standing up and while on the go, and 3) How can I bounce so many checks, mostly due to not making deposits in a timely fashion?
I was laid off a year and a half ago do to budget constraints. Since, I have worked two 3/4-time jobs (not at the same time) and have not had health insurance. As of last week, I am once again unemployed. I have never quit a job, and never been fired. I certainly have taken a lot of implicitly temporary positions. About a year ago, after 6-7 years of experimenting with different antidepressants, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD. I have been on Strattera for about 7-8 months, as well as Wellbutrin.
As I read through these posts, I am amazed how much of myself I see in everyone here. I have been a chronic car and housekey loser; my college roommates put a hook on the wall and a sign with an arrow reading "(Myname)'s Keys". At the camp, I never received my own set of keys, even though I was the only full-time staff member present during my programs. I had to borrow the summer camp director's keys because, they told me, "we know how you are about losing keys".
A year ago Christmas Eve, I totaled my car (not paying enough attention during a snowstorm). A year prior, I had totaled my previous car. I have replaced numerous exhaust systems and one cracked oil pan for hitting potholes or speedbumps. I average one or two speeding tickets per year, but last summer I had four. Three years ago, I declared Bankruptcy, partly to discharge law school debt. I have continued to be slightly overextended financially ever since. I don't drink at all (although I self-medicated a bit in college), I don't use drugs. (Although I do do coffee and cigarettes, both of which I think are terrible habits, especially the latter). I don't buy many things, or spend much at all on entertainment (the occasional movie). For several years I have felt unable to travel outside of the state, because I feel I've lacked the financial resources. I try really hard to balance my budget--I have written a Microsoft Access application for doing so; still, it's hard to sit down and wrap my mind around any kind of working use of the figures. Little by little, I've scaled down, simplified, and limited my life so that it would become manageable. I live in a tiny apartment, drive a (slightly worn) economy car. I have gone to a support group for people with some substance abuse in the family (as is likely in many genetically-ADD-prone families). I have been in psychoanalysis (when I am late my therapist thinks I am subconsciously trying to "punish" myself). Maybe I have beat myself up in the past about failed jobs or relationships, or felt guily for agonizing boredom, when I should be valuing stability. But now I am just frustrated and angry. Faced with another job search, I feel fed up. WHY can't I acheive any sort of stability in my life. WHY can't I do the things other people seem to do. HOW can anyone get it "together" enough to have an intimate relationship (how can one stop moving long enough)? HOW can people ever raise children (when it is such a struggle to take care of onesself?). HOW can one mount an organized job search, when all I've ever been able to do is put a word in with temp services, school districts, and anyone I know until I've "stumbled" into something. I'm afraid that as I get older I won't even be able to get these jobs on my charm and wit anymore.
Specifically, can anyone help me with the following: Do you think ADHD is a significant part of my problem? What kind of therapy should I be getting if so? Do you think a stimulant medication might be more effective for me? Any idea on how I can get myself insured again, so that I might be able to try one? Any feedback or "constructive criticism" would be appreciated. Also, if there are any professionals on the topic out there, your feedback would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks.
I am a 30 year old male who was diagnosed with ADHD five years ago and much of what you said in your post sounds similar to me. I will reply to your long post with a long post.
As a child, I was always described as spacy and disruptive in class. I consistently tested in the high 130s on IQ tests but was never more than a B-C student in high school and college and got average SAT scores. I too went to Montessouri school, where I excelled because I got to choose what I wanted to study.
Since I was socially awkward and often made word salad when I spoke, anyone who knew me in a group social setting usually described me as dumb, even though most of my close friends and girlfriends thought me to be very intelligent, even "deep." That seems to be the paradox that a lot of ADHD people experience - they don't do well in school and make airheaded mistakes because they are often too smart to be stimulated by trivial things, and society tells them they are stupid as a result.
I was diagnosed with depression in college and placed on Prozac. This helped me attain a more positive outlook on life but I was still disorganized and lacked focus. My one saving grace was music, which was the only thing that I was able to focus my attention on as a teen. I became one of the best guitar players around and earned respect and friends by playing in bands. All I ever wanted to be was a professional musician because it was the only thing I felt I would ever be any good at.
By age 25 I realized that I would never be a rock star and I was tired of waiting tables and working other crap jobs, so I decided to try a career in computers. I started taking classes and reading books and was quickly reminded of the inablilty to focus that made school so miserable. That's when I began reading up on ADHD.
I saw a shrink and went on Ritalin, which caused an immediate change. It gave me the stimulant effect which reduced the tired and lethargic feeling that rose up every time I tackled a mentally challenging task. Pretty soon I was back in school full time and getting straight As. The medication coupled with a subject matter that actually interested me allowed me to feel like a success for the first time in my life.
Several years later, I have a good career as a web developer and am in the first great relationship of my life with a girl that I plan to marry. I don't want to make Ritalin sound like a panacea that will solve all your problems, but it can at least give you the "push" you need to work them out on your own. I still struggle with organization, and I have mood swings, periods of depression and doubt, but my life is exponentially better than it has ever been before.
Based on my experience, I think you owe it to yourself to see a doctor and try out some treatment options. As far as your career, I found that I excelled at things where I worked alone since I have never followed instructions well or been comfortable working in groups. It's best to decide what you want to do first and then find a path to get there, rather than taking the best thing that happens to come along. What worked for me was taking internships and offering to work for free so an employer isn't taking a financial risk with you.
Hope this helps, and best of luck.
A few months ago, my fifteen year old daughter was diagnosed with ADHD, and years ago, one of my older sons was diagnosed with it, as well. I didn't pay a lot attention, with what was going on, with my son, as he was living with his dad, for much of that time and seemed to cope well,or so I thought at the time (and I honestly, didn't have a clue, about this disorder). In looking back, I now see so much, that I refused to see then. But, while watching my daughter, I, realized recently, that she is experiencing much of what I experienced as a child, and I have heard myself saying so many of the same things to her, that have been said to me, all of my life. I am so ashamed! I am fifty years old, and all of my life, I have been the butt, of some terrible joke. I have been an absolute failure, or feel that I have, in so many areas of my life. I have struggled with depression, been treated, mostly unsuccessfully, for the better part of my adult life. Years ago, I discovered that if things in my house, were in order, then I was less likely to experience depression, and could actually wake up in the morning, without feeling overwhelmed, or panicked. Unfortunately, things were/and are rarely in order in my house. I lose things constantly. I am famous for my tardiness (this has caused a great deal of problem with my employment history...or lack of). My brain is constantly on overload, and I rarely know where or how to begin, muchless finish tasks, or projects (I've been writing the great American novel, in my head, since I was in third grade). I forget to pay the bills. I forget appointments, and cancelling or rescheduling an appointment is excruciating. My procrastinating, goes beyond embarrassing, to the point of riduculousness. And much of that is due to my putting something off, and then forgetting it altogether. I have had no lack of men or friends in my life, because I am very social, and charming, but I am now on my fourth marriage, and even he is threatening to run, because I am so disorganized, and he doesn't know how to deal with my problems, muchless my daughter's problems. I understand his confusion, because no one has been more confused about my flaws, or inability to function in the mainstream, than me, myself and I.
As I have begun reading today, I have seen something of myself in almost every story, posted here. For the first time, that I can remember in a long time, I actually feel hope. I have shed a lot of tears, and I am grateful for that, because it has been a long time since, I have been able to cry. For the first time, in forever, I am seeing that I am not alone. That there are others who don't quite "fit the mold". I remember going to a doctor, years ago, and telling him, that I just wanted to feel "normal". He laughed and asked me what "normal" was and I told him that I didn't know, because I had never "felt or been". I have always felt and been different. And I never knew why. What I did know, is that I wasn't lazy,stupid,or crazy, but for some reason, many people saw me, that way. I see now, that I need to see a doctor, for myself, and I need a great deal of education, on this subject. I don't want my daughter to suffer the way I have suffered. And if there is a way to alleviate some of the pain, and channel something positive out of all of this, I want to find it. What really bothers me, is that given my history, and my children's diagnoses, why hasn't ADD been suggested to me before? Not one health care professional has ever suggested this to me. Of course, I may not be ADD, but I would think that at least it could have been considered. I think your story has everything to do with your ADHD. Stimulant medication is tricky; seems no one really knows what to prescribe, how much, how often it should be used -- like an aspirin, or like braces to "re-align" your brain as teeth are re-aligned. Best help: books. Best books: Hallowell's "Driven to Distraction" and Sari Solden's "Journeys through ADDulthood. How are you doing now?
Hey Tactile Jones . I'm not sure about in the US but in the UK there are ADHD coaches who can help you manage your life and organise yourself better. They also help you deal with any emotional problems that crop up. I don't think they're like therapists, who want to go back to your childhood and analyse every feeling. They're more for the "here and now" issues and teach you strategies to cope with them.
Heres a link to one coaching site but I know there are many many more.
Good Luck 