thanks for all of your replies...the whole friend thing is hard as a parent to watch. i know that my dd even *annoys* me at times...so i get the fact that others wouldn't want to hang around her if they had the choice:) but...she has so many good qualities about her too...and i hope that meds will improve the negatives ones a bit. i watched a chadd videotape and it was very interesting to me...but it said not to *hide* from the fact that your child has add/adhd, people are basically talking anyways...most add/adhd children "stand out" on their own with their behaviors. i know that i've told a few of my daughter's friends moms as to what is going on-that we just had my dd tested, etc. i hope that i won't regret this...i was/am hoping that they would be more understanding and careful with playdates, etc. i hope that if we plug away in a positive manner that they will see my dd in a new light too...and not alienate her because of the add/adhd stigma. i just wanted the families that she plays at to be aware...to watch her more closely while she's in their homes, etc. we'll probably start the meds next week while she's off from thanksgiving vacation...eeeccckkkk! we tried to have her swallow tic tacs in preparation today, but no sucess with that on the first try either:( :( :( oh, this parenting thing...it's not always easy!
anyways...thanks for eveyone's input...
shelley
My daughter is doing better with friends now that she is on meds. She used to be too hyper and scattered for most people her age. We are still coaching her in how to maintain friendships because she didn't really "get it" before. No one really knows that she is on meds other than the teachers. We have taught the kids that this is part of private medical information and not to be discussed with most people. She does not have rebound issues as the meds wear off so we are lucky in that area. The calming effect the meds have actually have made her not want to be around hyper "annoying" kids like she used to be.
They are all different and it is hard to predict.
vickie39033.7762268518My son has been on meds for 6 months...I think that I see a slight improvement in his friendships, because he does not lose his temper quite as quickly...but only slight. He has always had 2-3 close friends at school, and seems to get along better with children a little younger than him, pretty typical I think. You know that being a mother is the toughest job I have ever had and everday something new comes up. But throw in the ADHD part and oh boy! The one thing that just really breaks my heart with my son and the ADHD is that he is having the issues with friends. He is only 4 and just in preschool and it breaks my heart when the teacher tells me that the other kids don't really like being around him because they don't know what he is gonna do. This is only preschool I can just picture how it will be the older he gets. I was too hoping that the meds would help in the friend department. So vickie I really hope that my child will do like yours but so far it doesn't look positive.i'm just curious if your child does better with peers/building friendships, etc once she/he was on meds for adhd/add? i was reading the chadd catalogue that i got from joining and it pretty much stated that peer relationships typically don't improve. ie. especially since their often are mood changes/instability while on the meds, and the whole issue of the kids "being different" because they take meds. i was saddened to read that combination type adhd children also have the hardest time making/keeping friends, because this is where i see my daughter fitting, we'll get the actual test results this week.
anyways...i'm sure trying to stay positive...i was sooooo hoping that my daughter will have an easier time building and maintaining friendships once meds are started. luckily, my daughter has a very social personality, rather bubbly...but she has a ways to go with the maturity issue and seeing things from other peoples perspectives...as do the majority of adhd kids.
did meds help your child in the area of friends?
shelley
Many of these posts sound very familiar...
My 12 year old can make friends in a second... She is absolutly charming very quick with a smile and a laugh... Kids love to be with her crave to be her friend, for about 1-2 weeks and then I never hear of them again. I could not understand this until my 19 year old brought in a new thought process (and a dose of reality).
My 19 year old works at a neighborhood convience store part-time. Well, the parents of my 12 yr old's friends were not having very nice things to say about her after school play behavior. She was being very aggresive and demanding... her way or the highway. Well, they were all giving her impulsive behavior the highway. I wish they had told be not my odest. But, at least I found out.
My eldest then went on to give me a little lesson on playground psychology! She said, "Mom everyone is drawn to the person that is fun, bubbly and full of energy"... "They want to be around the fun person" "But, friendship is not only based on fun and when a temper or attitude come out they drop the fun kid for the average kid". It was a bit to digest... But I understood kids need stability and a sense of consistency. Their lives are full of learning each day. Fun is okay once in a while but an even keel is important everyday.
My 12 year old is having a lot of problems with making friend's this year, I think, because she is not on her Meds... But! the good thing the friends she has are always there. (perhaps from her become far less hyperactive)
I guess it depends on the level of ADD/ADHD and the currently prescribed medication. Everyday is a new day and change happens so quickly with their symptoms... who knows what tomorrow may bring?
[QUOTE=momof2&4] You know that being a mother is the toughest job I have ever had and everday something new comes up. But throw in the ADHD part and oh boy! The one thing that just really breaks my heart with my son and the ADHD is that he is having the issues with friends. He is only 4 and just in preschool and it breaks my heart when the teacher tells me that the other kids don't really like being around him because they don't know what he is gonna do. This is only preschool I can just picture how it will be the older he gets. I was too hoping that the meds would help in the friend department. So vickie I really hope that my child will do like yours but so far it doesn't look positive.[/QUOTE]
I too am a mother of a boy, who is 9 now. When he was younger, and before medication, my son was labeled! My heart cried for him. I wished I had medicated him before kindergarten so that the kids he is now in public school wouldn't have labeled him. His first grade teacher was wonderful. She helped me make the decisions, even though my ADHD husband was against medication then. My son has made many gaines, however to be labeled by children, who can be so cruel and don't seem to forget when living in a small town, as well, doesn't help. I can only mention to consider medication to control the impulsive behavior, if you haven't considered it yet. It will save you more heartache in the future.
My son now is in 4th grade, ahead of grade level academic wise, plays a sport each season, is better socially with those younger, has acquaintances in school, but nothing outside. We keep him in activities for social interactions, all in town. The kids are better, but it was all so unnecessary. And when I say I have a good, kind, caring, very sensitive, loving son - it is true! He just couldn't control his impulsiveness without any help from medication. At first, I enrolled him in social activities in other places to get him out of town for a fresh start and to meet new kids, but now he is fine in the towns activities. My son also says he minds his own business in school, interesting, I wonder where he learned that?! And his fourth grade teacher says there are NO behavior problems with him at all - my son was so labeled unnecessarily by all at his school, even the adults!
I think that M is doing better with his friendships with the meds - course we are only 1 month into it, so it is very early.
M has a very engaging personality, and most kids seem to want to be his friends, but they had begun shying away from him because he was too impulsive, and would sometimes be mean.
I am hopeful that we caught things early enough so that he will build strong relationships with the kids. We have had no reports of him hitting or being mean since he started the meds.
I'm happy to read about he wonderful teacher. I believe they make all the difference. We are very lucky. Our second grade teacher is wonderful. First Grade was terrific too. What a turn around from our early preschool years, when the Director kept telling me if I was only stricter, my son would behave. Ahh well, at least we are on the right track now. SOCIAL SKILLS NEED TO BE TAUGHT NOT MEDICATED FOR. SO WHAT IF SOMEONE ISN'T SOCIAL. AMERICA PUTS TO MUCH ON SOCIAL LIFE. ivanhoe39049.2945486111I also would like to keep this all private not because I am embarrased but because kids can be real mean. I don't want all the adults to say "We have to handle that child with kid gloves because you never know what might set him off". I just don't want him labled. He also has a very bad speech problem and has been in therapy for about a year now. The teachers have a hard time understanding him and so do the other children. So I am hoping that the friends with improve after we get him on the correct dosage of meds. and the therapy for his speech starts to work. Right now I just think my son is struggling with people not being able to understand him and he just mad.
That's a really Good Point Robyn... something I have never considered... When she starts talking you could fall asleep half way through the story...
I never thought of that as a social skill problem until you mentioned...
Thanks for the great idea!
I think speech issues can be a lot of it. My son had great success with ST. We are even working on pragmatic speech issues with the ST now. She works on social speech. A year ago he would ramble into long monologues , interrupt other children, and not pay attention to their stories.
I now see huges improvement in that area. He still gives way too much information when he answers a question and doesn't notice that the speaker is looking bored, but the monologues are slowly getting shorter.
I'm hopeful.
I agree with the last poster about adults knowing and if they know then the kids will find out. Kids will use anything to tease another child.
We took my DS in for evaluation after he came home and stated that he had no friends to play with. He was 4. I asked the teacher who informed me that he was so hyper and in your face that by the end of the day, he was alone. That was when we got our diagnosis and put him on meds. We then moved him to a new situation last year with new children. He did some better. We reinforce to him that he should think before he acts and always be nice to people.
This year, Kindergarten in public school and we spoke to the teacher before class. She informed me that he her own son is add and ocd. She has been wonderful with him and told me that if ANYONE picks on him, he should come right to her, she is protecting and encouraging him and he is doing much better with peers.
Meds changed my son's life. He ddn't have any friends last March and the children avoided him. Once he went on meds, he could slow down and not jump from subject to subject. He wasn't the different kid anymore. I don't think he will ever be the popular guy but he does have a few good guys that he hangs out with. This could never happened without meds. I'm very surprised that CHADD said not to expect changes. My son certainly made friends. In about a month's time, he started to get playdates.
I don't want to hurt the feelings of the poster that told the other moms, but I don't tell other parents. I don't think everyone can quite understand what an AdHd child is going through and they may have their own opinions about meds or even if AdHd exists. I would also be concerned about who they told.
I personally chose to keep this a very private secret. I have been able to give my son a med before he went on an afterschool playdate either from me or the nurse.
I haven't put him in the situation where he would need to take one from the parent. It may happen at some piont when he is older and we will have to deal with it. (ie all day trip to Disneyland), but in the meantime I am able to keep it to myself. I personally think kids will latch on to anything to make fun of a chld, and I'm doing my best to avoid that.
But, I certainly would expect to see improvement in the social area with meds. My son also works with a Speech Therapist and is in a social group with other peers, so that intervention has had some positive results.
Speaking from my own experience, the meds made a world of difference socially for my 9 year old daughter. (She has combined type ADHD.) It's like night and day. My kiddo is a very outgoing girl but last year - before dx and meds - she had an awful time keeping friends. (Making them was no problem but kids quickly got annoyed with her hyperness and demanding ways). This year, there are just issues typical of all 4th grade girls. (And even those are managable since my daughter is more easy going. The meds take away a lot of frustration.) In fact, one of the ways we knew the meds were working was when my daughter came home one day and said, "You know what? I haven't lost ANY friends this year!" It was music to my ears!Social skills in America are an important part of social enculturation. Unfortunately people have always and will always judge others... from religion to politics and all of the gray social areas in between we are asked to form a personal opinion... which is judgment. When a child has a problem accurately expressing their needs in a manner, in which, the majority has deemed proper: the child may be experiencing sporadic or random thought process.
These children often have an internal onslaught of multiple thought processes and urges that are only calmed through the use of pharmaceuticals.
The entire world is dictated by proper social skills, not just America, to paint with such a broad brush of generalization is callous. Every culture is formed by the use of socially adapted norms. Also, to accuse the one country that has opened their arms to all cultures of "putting to much of social life" is rather ignorant of the American way of life.
But, I must digress for in Ivanhoe's comment I did find a social skill that I found distateful... the use of capitol letters and the screaming that the use dictates... I for one consider caps lock socially inept.
But, at least in America we have a choice to voice these opinions, help our children and know we live in one of the greatest countries on earth!
I HAVE SEVERE VISUAL ISSUES SORRY YOU DISAGREE. I AM NOT SCREAMING I DO BETTER WITH CAPITALS. WE ARE NOT HEAR TO CORRECT PEOPLE MISTAKES/DEFICEITS. WE ARE HEAR TO SHARE OUR THOUGHTS. RIGHT NOW i AM LIVING WITH O INCOME SO GOING TO A DR. ISN'T A OPTION RIGHT NOW. SORRY IF YOU FIND WHAT I SAY AS MEAN NO PUN INTENDED.
I second that MomfromNH. The capital letters don't bother me but the part that was wrote on social skils does. I also believe that social skills are a very important part of life and sometimes in order to Teach them social skill you have to use medication in order to get them to understand. ADHD and other disorders are excatly that Disorders not something they choose to have or not have. It is not there fault that they have these. Yes as they get older they do need to learn how to control or better manage there disorders but they also have to something such as medication to help them do this. It is heart breaking to watch a child try to become friends with other children and be pushed away. That is where we were last March. Now, my son has friends. Medication slowed him down long enough to teach him new social skills and slowed him down long enough to listen to others. The importance of having at least one good friend can't be overlooked. All of this happened because my son now takes meds.I'm sorry to hear this. I am also one that is hoping for improved