My heart feels broken.... | ADHD Information

 

I just can't stop feeling this.  I have been the one advocating for M - I have gone to all of the appointments, my dh to some.  I have been dealing with the school, I have been reading, researching, obsessing and trying my best to help him.

My dh is a pretty strict guy...he seems to expect the kids to do what he says when he says it.  I don't always agree with his methods because I feel that he yells too much ( he was raised in a yelling family ) and I dont feel like he gives the kids enough time to comply before he steps in and makes them do what he has instructed. 

I readily admit that I have a tendency to be too lenient.  I don't LIKE to have to have the consequence, so when I used 1-2-3 Magic, I can have a tendency to give too much time to comply.  But, I also believe in picking your battles - if it involves hitting, being mean, etc. I immediately step in.  DH doesn't really pick battles - he fights for every ideal.

Anyway - on to my broken heart.  DH quite frequently tells me I am too easy with the kids and let them get away with too much - I am pretty used to that.  But this weekend, I was talking with my sister ( first grade teacher, mom to an ADHD son, has been a great source of help, comfort and info for me) and she begins telling me that M has me wrapped around his little finger, that he knows exactly what buttons to push with me and that I really need to be more tough with him.  That I can't continue to allow him to exhibit the negative behaviors that he has learned ( I think meaning that now that he has the help of the meds and with his impulsivity that he should be able to control many of those behaviors).  While I don't necessarily disagree with her -----  I just feel like everyone feels like I am parenting bad and that I have allowed all of this to happen.  I cried on and off all day yesterday. 

I know that none of it was meant that way, but it is how I feel.  When M was hurting kids on the bus, it was ME that sat in front of him and told him that mommy and daddy were mad at him and that when he hurt his friends he also hurt mommy and daddy - do you know how hard that was??????  DH was there, but I did most of the talking.  

I don't know....I guess I just needed to write it out.  When I told DH that I was hurt, he said that I just should stop feeling that way because it was not meant to be hurtful. 

As I read through my post again...just a couple of clarifications!!

My sister has been terrific to us through this process..I do feel that she has our sons best interest at heart, she loves him dearly and wants only the best for him.  I don't think that she meant to be critical, only to share her observations.

My dh really does a lot with the kids - he picks them up from school, and is with them for about 2 hours each day before I get home from work.  We do have different parenting styles, but do pretty much agree on major principles - it is just differences in delivery.

I am feeling a little better, just needed to get all my feelings out.  ( I have a little PMS today too, that may account for all the tears yesterday!!)

 

If you are feeling hurt....you are feeling hurt. One can't just turn off those feelings if someone says you should.

I do think we women are often much more lenient and really, we shouldn't be. I was certainly guilty of it with Nikki (I had custody of my Grand niece -ADD) and did find her getting more defiant and arguementative because of it.  I don't know if you are the primary caretaker while your husband works but if you are it is understandable you pick your battles.

On the other hand, my sister gets no help from her husband. She is the only one who disciplines and her daughter has her daddy wrapped around her finger. I know she probably would wish she had your husband.

I really feel bad for you because it isn't easy to go against the grain of who we are and just "be tougher".

  I don't always agree with his methods because I feel that he yells too much ( he was raised in a yelling family ) and I dont feel like he gives the kids enough time to comply before he steps in and makes them do what he has instructed. 

   Oh yeah sure your the bad Mom!!! BOLOGNA!!! Dry those tears lady! Put on a smile... you have achieved the art of verbalizing your emotions without acting like a big jerk!

Do you know what kids hear when you yell ***NOTHING*** I can still at 38 tune anyone out who is yelling! When you yell at children "especially children" you are immediatly putting them on a defensive course. When is anything ever solved when everyone is defensive and not receptive? I think it is a lose-lose situation.

... Oh boy, don't get me wrong I have my moments as any ADD/ADHD mom does... But my yelling is more screaming at the ceiling hands clenched high yelling at God. "Why do you hate me God"... "lol"

  What your sis and your partner are doing is not forming a united front. Wow! Do kids pick up on who they can berate and not be chastised. Those two seem to be making you the fall guy for many situations... and I am very sorry dear, but you are letting them. Somehow you have to make them understand that they are letting you down. (for they are)

   If your partner is not being suportive during conversations I wouldn't include them... I have also learned that guilt trips do not have any effect on my adhder... I think she gets a kick out of it. Just calm straight forward eye to eye respectful adult conversations...( Try talking to him as an adult I have found it earns their respect) This has worked very well with my Adhder since she was 10... her Biological Mom used to chase her around the house like a screaming fool... even physically harming her a couple of times... (not badly but an arm caught in a door by mistake etc... a rage fight)

  My 19 year old non adder is a loud talker... and an instant yeller... (what a temper)... It sounds kind of funny but, I found a way to stop her... when she goes off on a flaming tangent I quack at her Quack Quack Quack "like a duck" The arms going the butt wiggling the whole "funky chicken" Seeing that I am not listening leads to a normal and calm conversation.

... Do not berate yourself for their ideals of themselves as the demi-gods of parenting... with add everyday is different and the same course of discipline or reaction to behavior is ever changing. Keep your chin-up! Think years from now how your child will respect your strong nature and softer approach...

Good Luck and Huggs!

 

You're not a bad mom!  You love your son and you desperately want him to behave and at the same time, you don't want to always have to treat him like he's in trouble.  I know, I felt the same way.  My ds went through a phase when he seemed to always be in trouble.  I hated always being the meanie.  I stuck with it though (my dh is spineless when it comes to discipline) and my ds has come through that and is doing well.  Keep in mind that our kids need structure and discipline more than most kids.  You're right to pick your battles.  Focus in on one discipline issue.  If he's hurting kids on the bus, then let him know that won't be tolerated and he will be punished for it then do it.   But if he gets a d on his spelling test, say something, but then let it slide.  Work on one thing at a time.

If your sister is a teacher and a parent of an ADHD kid, then listen to what she says and then take it with a grain of salt.  She doesn't live with you and doesn't see the whole picture like you do.  Speed up your compliance time when you use the 1-2-3 magic if you think that would help the behavior.  I've used it and it really works.  Keep in mind that you're not alone, lots of us have gone through this.  You've got my
Mom from NH, I love the quacking idea!  Mind if I borrow it? That's what we're here for!  I hope you have a terrific Tuesday!