Getting Husbands on Board??? | ADHD Information
I am still trying and feel like a referee when he has little patience for our daughter. I am also needing more help around here for my health needs attention and now due to constant stress I now have high blood pressure. My diabetes is out of control and I have no time for me between work and child to attend to my needs and already been warned by my doctor. Sorry to go on and on but I can so relate.Read the book Driven to Distraction by Hallowell and Ratey and Stopping ADHD by O'dell. Then give dh Driven to Distraction and get him to read it, too. It's a real eye-opener. He'll read that and see himself in the case-studies.I have seizures and maybe that's the way I'm supposed to be. If I don't take my meds, I end up on the floor, unconcsious. It's not a really productive way to spend my time (recovery from one is about 24-36 hours). People with diabetes may be made that way, but if they don't take their meds, they end up in insulin shock. Your dh is probably so used to trying to hide it from others (as if it were possible) that he believes living any other way would be too difficult. You have my hugs, too. Husbands can be real buttheads when it comes to acknowledging ADHD and deciding what they're going to do about it. Ds's daycare teacher said that it's because they have a hard time accepting the fact that their child is not perfect. She said it's much worse with fathers of boys than fathers of girls. Hang in there. You're son may be "messed up" but I bet he's got a wonderful kid inside him trying to get out. Don't give up, you can make the difference.
Mom30 - Can't say I have much advice, but you're not along so hang in there
I can relate to the posts on here as well. My son and husband fight like they're brothers and dh and myself disagree a lot on how to handle discipline, etc. My ds was dx ADHD/ODD for at least a year and put on meds before my husband told me he took ritalin as a child (just non-chalantly in every day conversation 
) and was allowed to go to school only 1/2 a day one year because he was too much to handle - well, wouldn't that of been nice to know when all ds problems arose 
- I didn't know a thing about ADHD!
Lately, I've been thinking how overstressed I've been with work, housework, kids, etc. And I finally came to the conclusion, I don't LET my husband help get ds up in the morning just to avoid them fighting and my husband takes ds outbursts/actions too personal, I don't LET the kids help most the time because I'll have to do it over myself anyway and I'm tired of arguing. 3 hours to spend with my kids after work just isn't enough and I sure don't want to be in battle the whole time.
Wondered if meds could help my husband since he has not "grown" out of it - that's for sure (his parents just quit giving him his meds after a year or so), but he's very reluctant to take them because he "was in the wrong crowd and did some stupid stuff" kind of thing when he was younger and feels the addiction he overcame may come back to haunt him.
Does anyone have this problem? When I was younger, my dad was the last resort disciplinarian - "wait til your father gets home" and we knew we'd better shape up or else. Well, this does not affect my son at all and I find myself handling most of the discipline just to avoid their confrontations and protect my husband's feelings because he did not have a good growing up experience socially and takes all of ds tantrums too literal and personal and gets his feelings hurt (or his body, has bad knee and back and ds will purposely try and hit or kick these areas - ds behavior is getting better by the way).
Guess we should just all realize communication is the key, I can say it all I want, but I myself need to learn to handle all 3 of my "boys" (this includes husband) and teach responsibility and understanding the best I can.
Oh how I understand what you are dealing with. My son and husband argue over everything, especially homework.When Kody is having problems, he doesn't want to help him, he tells him to be quiet or go to his room. I believe my husband feels helpless because he doesn't know enough about the problem to help. I try to help the best I can but I am just ONE person and I work, come home clean, cook and try to be referee between the two of them and it is wearing me out as well. If you love them, it is worth the battle...hard but worth it and it will work itself out sooner or later. My husband actually got me to go have a girls day out last weekend becuase he knows I needed it. SHOCKER, gave me permission to shop!!! the man has finally lost his mind...
but it helped and they were both still alive
when I got home. Only stayed gone for 2 hours but it helped and sad thing is I only spent money on lunch. How sick is that
Things will out outdonabuzibee39035.568912037
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. Here is a big hug for you.
I have had my share of anger and tears for the disease as well. It sounds like there may be a bit of communication issues in your home. Is it possible that maybe you do let your oldest one slide by on some things and using his disorder to excuse him? Maybe your husband is scared of the disease. Perhaps he is terrified of getting "labeled" by friends, family, and co-workers. Perhaps he favors the youngest to distance himself from what he sees as the "messed up" kid?
Of course there could be a million and one different things going on. Only you and your husband knows. Would you consider counseling? Would he? Even if he doesn't go you might find it helpful yourself.
Don't give up. Your kids need both of you so I hope you can work it out. Take care of yourself. Good luck
Thank you for your reply and support.
I think you are right about distancing himself from what seems to be a messed up kid but, how can I help him understand the disorder without making him feel that I am shoving it down his troat?
I love my husband and my kids but I can not do it alone! We have been through marrital counseling in the past $$$ + my husband does not think that it helps anyway. Sometimes I just want to know what it is like to be normal and happy raising great kids....kind of jealous of those who never deal with this kind of stuff...
My husband shows all the signs of add but he refuses to get treatment. He says he's meant to be how he is. hes very stubborn I think maybe doesn't want to face the fact the he needs medication. He also needs to go in for blood work and cholestrol testing but he refuses. By him not going in for the tests I feel he is not respecting me and the children. He is being selfish and not considering what could happen to him healthwise. He has an attitude of we call have to go sometime.
He just doesn't care.
My son and my husband are VERY much alike! My husband has never been dx. My son has ADHD and ODD. Between the two of them my house is a stress zone! It seems that some how I need to be able to teach my husband how to STOP, LISTEN, & LEARN about ADHD/ODD. Any advise??
My husband thinks I am always sticking up for and favoring our oldest son (adhd/odd) so in turn he favors our youngest son (no adhd). I feel I am fighting an uphill battle = marital stress overload! I think why it is so hard is because he does not want to look at himself (complete denial of the possibility that he battles ADHD = with classical signs). I feel like this is the end of our 7 year marriage all due to ADHD 
. Some times I find myself getting mad and crying at the disease it wears me down.
Men...will we ever understand them? zjmom: It is so funny that you say you have 3 boys because I say the exact same thing (3 includes my husband)!
My husband has had some really great days with my son. Has given him some one on one time (bowling together and going to a movie). But in the end my husband will end up calling me at work and scream at me about something I have no controll over. I told him I was just going to put myself in a
"stress free bubble"
we will see!
Hang in there and we will walk together with our children.
Tell me how to get in that STRESS FREE BUBBLE. I usually just put my wall up and hide behind it. I go into my own little world and I know everybody there so I feel safe.
Have a great day.My husband also tells me that I always stick up for our daughter. He is way too hard on her, he does not believe that ADHD is real so he freaks when she is supposed to clean her room but ends up engrossed in something else 5 minutes later, she gets it done, it just takes HOURS. It is very frustrating living with someone that does not believe this is a real disorder, we battle over it once she is in bed. He just yells so loudly at her and when she gets yelled at she just shuts down. We have pretty much decided that I will determine punishments and he will jsut back me up because I cannot handle hearing him scream and her cry. Oh my gosh, on top of everything, the poor kid had to live through such a horrific disaster... I feel for you and your son. Where are you living now?
Do you both feel like you are sometimes forced to choose between your marriage and the safety (ie self esteem) of your child? It's not fair that we be put in that position because we take the time to understand the disorder. These children are intelligent, but they are developmentally disabled. I don't think our husbands have accepted that yet. It seems my husband intellectually acknowledges she has ADHD, but doesn't really seen to understand the ramifications of it for her. And as my good friend empathized with me, she's only 9...this is the easy stuff. Wait til she's 14 or 15.
You guys are like a support group.
We found a house to live in but it is pricey. Before the storm, this house leased for 0.00 a month, after the storm it leases for ,200.00 a month. They call it supply and demand, I call it highway robbery. But, it is better than living in a fema trailer among the drug dealers and sex offenders. My apt. was totally destroyed. They have rebuilt them but they are condos now and the same 3 bedroom apt. rents for ,200.00 a month. so now my insur. won't pay me the difference in rent like they did for 3 months. They had told us they would pay difference for up to 24 months....yeah right!!If we buy a house, the insur. is sooo much, your morgage is just as high. My husband works 10 miles from here so it pays to live in the area but the housing, what you can find that is livable, cost you alot.
He sees a counselor twice a month (.00) a hour and will soon be seeing someone to help him with his writing outside of school for more money because school is hekping the poor kids that came from New Orleans so that the school doesn't lose its level 5 rating. I know it isn't the kids fault but I don't feel bad for New Orleans because that could have been helped...the money given to them to fix the problem was used for something else years ago. We were hit blindsided here in Ms. it turned last minutes and we couldn't leave because of the traffic coming from New Orleans.
donabuzibee39055.1777083333Yes I do. I told him tonight he needs to read a book I have on adhd but I know he never will. I told him the book tell you what you child is going through but can't tell you themselves. I actually know from experience and I don't have it...that I know of, but I use to want to crawl into a hole and hide when my dad yelled at me for what seems like the same things my dh fusses at my son for. I get mad at him for treating Kody like that but he sees it as toughening him up...not to be a mothers baby.
They are going through so much, you want to shelter them from anything else. I know we can't let them get away with everything but my dh treats him like a 20 year old, not a 8 year old. Yes, Kody is very smart in many ways, but he is still only 8 and this child has lived thru. Katrina in person, I want to tell my dh "give him a break already, he lost everything he valued. Don't take his childhood away from him too."
How far is New Orleans from where you live? Do you live far from where your apt was? I can't believe that, jacking up the price 0.00 to benefit from people's misfortune. Absolutely sickening. So you guys had no idea the storm would turn, then all of a sudden it came your way? That sounds pretty scary. You have all these other stressful issues going on, plus I'm sure your husband is also feeling angry at how things have happened since Katrina, which doesn't help his tolerance level for dealing with his child. My thoughts are with you.
I'm still not talking to my husband since his last tirade against my daughter. I'm not even sure he understands why I'm angry. It doesn't help to talk to him about it, nothing ever changes. I'm just still angry and feeling in between a rock and a hard place.
Wow, I have the same problem. My husband has a really short tolerance for misbehavior, and thinks my daughter acts like a baby (she's 9, but socially acts more like a 6 or 7 year old.) He yells at her a lot. He tried reading the book From Chaos To Calm, but never finished it, and apparently what he read didn't stick. He says I baby her, and defend her too much, I should let her become more tough. It's hard, isn't it? Do you ever feel like your husband's behavior is damaging your child's self esteem?
I am glad I found this forum, there aren't any support groups in my area either, and if there were I am pretty sure my husband would find something wrong with it. At least there is this!My ex was very supportive of putting my daughter on medication. (although he claims that he has no problem with her what-so-ever when she is at his house) But that is as far as it goes. If I tell him about a problem I am having with her, he will sit her down and talk to her when he has her although I have no idea what he says; I can only imagine. 
He never calls to speak to her or ask how she is doing. He never goes to doctors appts. or school meetings. He claims he can't take the time off from work; he already has to take time off because of his own mental health issues, which is understandable. I have resigned myself to the fact that I am on my own when it comes to parenting her. My family is no help - they are very against medications and they don't believe in ADHD. My support system is my friends. But I am a very strong person and have handled alot on my own. I know my daughter best and I am a very confident parent. I thank the Lord for that strength. I know so many people who don't have that.
As far as your husband is concerned - you can't force him to deal with this. But I would sit him down and say, ok this is the situation. You can either choose to accept this and educate yourself about it, so that you can have a good realtionship with your son or you can do nothing and have a bad relationship with him and he will hate you when he is older and you will never be close. end of story. Then walk away and let him chew on that for a while.
Beckysmom39056.4190972222I have mentioned it, suggested it and all I am doing is wasteing my breathe. It is almost as if they don't want to know, that it might just go away if they don't know anything about it. Mine said something yesterday that he doesn't see a difference when ds is on it or off it. like when I skip a dose on a weekend by accident. I told him I had to go to the doctor each month to get a new precription and that is when he said it. I don't know, just glad Kody has me to take care of him and things like this because I don't think dh would do what I do to hlp Kody. Take him to counselor or to someone to help him with his writing. He would just expect Kody to do it on his own...sad but true. I had the same problem as you ladies...until about 3-4 weeks ago. My husband said one night..."You know, I think I have ADHD too" I had suspected this for months (years) since our oldest daughter was dx at 23, but didn't want to make him mad by suggesting it, so I waited, and he came to the conclusion about 6 months after Chase was dx and treated. He saw the difference in Chase though...but mainly in grades and homework. We still have some things to work on with him as far as being overemotional.
Jon started on Concerta about 3-4 weeks ago, and his moods have evened out a lot, but he needs a higher dose, and we cannot afford to pay for it ourselves...(no prescription coverage, long story) so he will begin on generic ritalin tomorrow at a higher dose...
The day that I found out that he was rejected for the patient assistance program for the Concerta brought home to me how different he is medicated vs unmedicated. The old Jon would have gotten angry, thrown up his hands and said. "Forget it! I don't need to take anything!" The "new" Jon said, "Don't worry, we will find something that works and we can afford...I won't quit trying"
The only thing he regrets is that he went undx during childhood and he wistfully wonders "what could have been" had he gotten treated as a child.
Since being on meds, the only time he has lost it with Chase and yelled was on Sunday...before it was a daily occurrence for him to yell at one of the boys...
I often have to play referee between 8yo DS and DH, it's very very tiring and sometimes can make the situation a million times worse - they really tend to rub each other up the wrong way sometimes. I hate being stuck in the middle. Havey any of you had any success trying to get your hubbies to read this site?We live about 95 miles from New Orleans to the east. Heard of Biloxi, Ms. we live about 15 miles from there.I live about 3 miles down the road from the old apt. and go pass it every day to work so it is hard to see them. I really liked the apt. we lived in..it was a townhouse and a block from my sons school. I try to make my dh understand but I think he has so much on his mind with work and having to work longer hours to pay the rent that he just lets me deal with it. We have had long discussions (heated one) about the way he treats Kody and it calms down for a week or so then right back to where we started. His mother is going to stay with us for Christmas, maybe she will see what I am seeing and get on to Steve. (dh) Thye say you are never to old for a spanking from your momma. I will have the camera ready!!
Maybe have your son with ADHD talk with your husband about getting on board. If he hears it from him maybe it will get him to face reality. This ADHD/ADD stuff stinks!! At least with a broken arm you set it and it's fixed. Not so easy with this stuff. There is such a stigma with mental disorders. Men view them as weakness as I am sure you know already.
Good luck!! God hears us, it just a really long line!!!