Does Knowing Change How You Think | ADHD Information
My sons are not even diagnosed yet but knowing all that I have found out in the past few weeks sure as heck helps me to understand. I'm starting to be able to "read" my oldest better. I know for example if he picks on his brother straight after school, it's not him being mean to his brother. It's him venting the frustration of what's happened at school, and the issue to be dealt with is not why he is always ugly to his little brother. It's what happened at school. It's helped me realise that he means well but sometimes cannot act out in the positive way he wants to. He's not a "naughty" boy. He just needs to be understood. Also if other people start criticising him I can soon nip it in the bud. It's allowed me to be more on his team. Up until a month ago I really struggled to understand how he thinks, and therefore understand HIM. Now he knows I will try to find out why he is behaving like he is and take active steps to help him. Eg was in trouble at school for shouting out. I reminded his teacher that we suspect ADHD and are in the procedures of evaluating with his doc currently. I think by telling people this my son is better understood which is fairer to him. Think of it from the kids' perspective. You're like under 10 and everyone thinks you're awful and you don't know why. ADHD diagnosis gives rationale. I once heard someone say that if you tell a child he is naughty, he will be as he thinks that is the way he is expected to act.
When I found this site I was so excited I asked a friend of mine who has never understood Andrew's behaviour to go and look at it. He came away saying, "gee, I always thought it was kids just being naughty. Now it seems there IS a reason for it". That kind of understanding is priceless in my kids' lives. It's a godsend. I actually think that far from not accepting the person my kids are meant to be, it helps me enable them BECOME the people they're meant to be.
It HAS changed teh way I look at them - but in a very positive way. It's actually allowed me to be a better parent.
Knowledge is understanding, but I do like your way of thinking. My son is the same to me regardless, but in my heart, I feel like other people who know him will view him differently and also treat him differently (which I have noticed in the last several weeks since being dx). If only people could see this the same way you do!! All people have issues, not just people who are dx with any kind of disorder. GREAT WAY OF THINKING!!That's not what the sadness is about for me BPQW. This dx means that he will have a hard life and face struggles that other children do not face -- in all areas of life. It will be ongoing. For me, it means having a child who is much harder to raise and requires energy that I sometimes think I do not have. For his sister, it means she gets less quality parent time b/c her ADHD brother needs more--and sometimes all of it. It has a domino effect.
The dx was not a relief for me at all... the opposite really. Now I see a long hard relentless road that I did not see before. Just thinking about it exhausts me.
NoTellin39037.5218402778I agree with Vicky and HesmyP&J, My son was also diagnosed with ADHD and ODD...and I was so relieved it didnt change the way i think of him, or how much I love him, or want him to live a joyess life!!! It gave em hope that it will get better that he wasnt just the bad seed, the kid that doesnt listen, or sit still, or is aggressive to other kids (HE ISNT A MONSTER OR A BAD KID)..:-)Knowledge is power and the more you know the better it is....I think maybe people get sad that their wonderful child has ADHD because it isnt going to go away on its own..and might always be an up hill struggle.
When my son was three, I was beginning to get very frustrated by hisrestlessness and inability to focus and control himself, but my family said
I was paranoid. Then I dated a man who was raising two daughters by
himself, and one had severe ADHD. She was much older, but I recognized
so much of her behavior in my son, and I was so struck by how much
time and energy he put into managing her behavior. I started reading,
and soon after daycare turned into more structured preschool, and
everything fell apart. The official diagnosis was just a confirmation of
what I pretty much knew and had begun responding to.
What has been interesting is that learning about ADHD also helped me
understand my son's father so much more, and we work together as
parents much better now. The first book about Asperger Syndrome that I
read could have been written about me, and helped me identify
personally with the way my son responds to some things, which suddenly
made it obvious how to help.
For me, my angry little boy has become a very bright kid who needs a
great deal of guidance and boundary-setting, but now he trusts me to
understand him and help, and that has made such a huge difference.i was so happy when we got the diagnosis,i felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and someone had finally listened to me.I also thought ritalin would be a wonder drug and after he had it everything would be rosey, we havent got the does right yet he's been on it since may and ive seen no improvement, but it was nice to know it wasnt my fault and i didnt do anything to make him the way he is.He has started to get a bit more help since being diagnosed as before he was just a very naughty child that no one liked.I also have found different ways to speak to him simple clear commands he understands,Though i have been saying he wasnt right from being 2 to my doctor they waited to his 6th birthday to diagnose him.im still finding it hard and i know it may even get worse, but with the advances they make in medicine im hoping one day he may lead a next to normal life because at the moment the only place i can see him is in jail at an early age.despite saying that im working hard to teach him right from wrong though sometimes i wonder if he understands right and wrong and providing a loving warm home where he knows he is safe and has family that loves him.
I felt sad, and actually went through a grief process when getting the diagnosis. What worried me most was that he would have such a difficult time growing up, and would have so many more challenges than most people. That isn't what I wanted for my child- to struggle through school, friendships, and life in general. I also wondered how the heck I'd get him through life when he made our life difficult, from day to day. Sometimes I wondered why me, how am I going to get him to grow up to be a responsible adult, when he was beating me down and I was exhausted. The reality is they are different. Being a mother now of a 16 year old ADHD son, I feel the hard work has paid off and he's well on his way to being a mature and capable adult. I no longer worry about him as much, and I am so proud and full of love for him.
Just my 2 cents.
I felt a huge sense of relief. I had been looking for answers to his odd behavior for 5 years and I knew that all his teachers were wrong when they said he was just immature, a normal boy who just needed to try harder.
I felt like I wanted to rub the dx in the face of the teacher who pointed out all the problems she was having with him, then denied that there were any when we had a team meeting.
Oddly, I've been really sad about realizing that I have ADD. I feel like I should be relieved, but I'm angry instead.
Good topic BPQW. For me, my son's diagnosis helped me understand who he is so it changed my perception of him and it gave me a vast understanding in terms of why he is so unique but also why he has so many struggles in life. No child wants to act badly and when their are issues with behavior, there is always an underlying reason.
Some migh view children with ADHD as "not normal" but I take exception to that. Children with ADHD have a very clear perception of reality and do not have problems processing information but unfortunately, due to lack of focus, they miss a lot of information in an academic setting and in a social setting, they fail to pick up on social cues. This is why ADHD is not an academic problem as it affects all area's of life and they do not have a learning problem but rather a problem with learning again, due to being so highly distractable which is very different from not being able to process information. When presented with something of intense interest, the ADHD child has the ability to hyper focus and when they do their concentration level and ability to process information is far supierior to the non ADHD'er.
I have never viewed my child as broken but rather exceptional but for as long as society views these children as "not normal" the stigma lives on and that mentality is what ultimately fills parents with such sadness. My son is very normal and him getting a diagnosis of ADHD was a relief as there are far worse things he could have had. While he is not perfect, who really is 
Over the summer I worked on diet and suppliments and he seemed calmer. He started school with out meds but was not calm enough. We started back on a much smaller dose of concerta. That was when the focus problems emerged. One day his reading worksheet got 100 and the next 21 percent! At the same time we started exercises sort of like brain gym and that has really helped with his calmness and ability to sit still. The focus still illusive. The doctor who is working with him on exercises said the focus will come as his brain adjustes to his new way of working. We will see.
Back to the question I sort of see ADHD as a wave for the future. These will be the ones who think outside the box and hand these great ideas for the more focused to implement. A doctor I know does an extensive detox program for burned out executives. Guess what? A huge percentage of them would have been diagnosed as ADHD if we knew what that was then!
So blessing or curse? I vote blessing and pray for the strength and energy to keep up with him!!!
Knowing helps us understand but life is difficult. I love my girl so much my heart aches at the stuff she has to go through and I wish I can make it all go away. I do find myself getting frustrated quickily some days and then I feel bad she cannot help some of it I do now know it is so hard but deep down she is fun loving and would not want her any other way.
Thats a great Question BPQW...
I am very new to the forum so I have been reading and re-reading many posts to see what kind of information and ideologies are involved. I have noticed quite a few posts that seem as if the child was "such a beautiful" remarkable being before diagnosis and then their "mental vision" of their child changed. I thought that was a bit odd also. My own beautiful remark is out of fear for a very rapid weight gain.
Some of my Adders very best qualities actually stem from the adhd! The quick wit and even quicker smile... she can find the most mundane things laughable. Her energy level is always amazing! With my Adders overeating I am afraid for her physical beauty as she ages. 12 in a very tough developmental age as we start to use our body's fat stores in a different manner. I want to assure that she maintains her very healthy self-esteem and I realize that one off based comment from someone at school (about her excess weight) could shatter her world. I am protecting her from that sort of scenario, by researching and helping curb her overeating.
That is my stand point on the beauty issue... kids can be very cruel in school and although I cannot control her biological make-up I can control teaching her how to eat, what to eat and when to eat... and explain the consequences of all... and hope that with proper counseling she will not have to hear hurtful comments.
The diagnosis for us confirmed that the impulsiveness was not really controllable and that she was not just being a "bad" child. It also gave us a direction to get her the treatment she needed. Now instead of my husband thinking she inherited the worst of each of us, because of treatment he can see a child that inherited the best of each of us.
I have to admit that when we found out DS had ADHD and ODD it changed how we thought about him dramatically. We were so relieved! Prior to the diagnosis we thought he was a kid with a bad attitude - that we must be really bad parents. We felt like he didn't give a rip about anyone and as a human being he had no empathy for others at all. We didn't like him much - I know that is horrible to say - but true regardless. Living with him and trying to guide him was so darn HARD! In fact we decided we were not going to have any more kids because we couldn't handle the one we had.
Having a diagnosis was such a relief. We now understand him much better, we know why he does the things he does and how we can parent more effectively. We found out when he was 7 and guess what? DS and DD are 7 years apart. Our house is no longer filled with tension every moment of the day and once I was able to separate his disorders from him as a person I found I really like DS. He is a good kid with a good heart. I am glad he is mine.
I've read several times in many posts that people felt sadness, etc., that their "beautiful son" or "beautiful child" has ADHD, almost as if the diagnosis changes who they are, like they are tainted in some way. What do you think? Does knowing that your child has adhd change the way you think about them, even unintentionally?
It seems to me that our children are who they are whether or not we know that they have adhd. Many of the qualities we love about them are from their adhd or are at least highlighted by the adhd. What I mean is, your children are still the people that they always were. ADHD doesn't mean they are broken or imperfect in some way. Anyone have an opinion?