Advice needed: friend with ADHD | ADHD Information

Thanks for the responses.  I really appreciate it. 

It's going to take some time to figure out what I think is best for my friend and I in the situation. 

I think you are right about being straightforward and simply not making plans if I know she's going to be late. 

I really hope I can keep her in my life.  She's truly one of the best people I know and a blessing on the earth.


hi abbey

i think she is making a start by attending these monthly meetings --- so being gently supportive might be very helpful in getting her to take things further.  i would avoid the direct route of "you need help.  get on medication now" even if that is the case.  but perhaps ask her how the classes are going and what she has learnt from them and so on and so forth - a lot of ADDers suffer from anxiety too so the moment they feel pressure on them it will put on the brakes even more (if i can put it that way) as something they can't even face dealing with.

sometimes ADDers actually need something to go right in their lives to understand suddenly how MUCH their add is ruining their life and how much better it can be without it - otherwise they just see it as how life is.  but when they can start functioning more normally then that gives them the motivation to want to continue in that vein of functional, happy operation.

other times it is only when things get SO bad - that they can be coerced into taking action because they simply can't deal with it.

you sound very fair and balanced in your judgement of the situation so i am sure you will be able to suggest her considering treatment in a nice way that doesn't freak her out - but in the end it is her decision, not yours!  you can't ask someone to alter the way they are simply because it fits in better in your life...  they have to want to do it for themselves.  and you can point out some of the reasons why they might want to do it - but it may well end up coming out as a total criticism of them and their life which is probably counterproductive.

a good book to read (you can buy it for yourself, read it and then give it to her because you might find it interesting too!) is "Driven to Distraction" by somebody ed hallowell/halloway - whatever.

if the lateness is really starting to bug you - i don't know what to suggest.  i understand it from her point of view... she is probably one of those people (i am similar) who can only function under extreme time pressure.  

oftentimes i have had to be somewhere at six in the evening and i have all day to prepare but i will get a kind of paralysis (a form of anxiety i guess) and simply won't be able to move until 5.55 then the pressure is extreme enough (ie the stress i will have to deal with by being so late equals or outweighs the stress i have in dealing with going there) and suddenly i can get on with it! 

i am not suffering from that problem at all at the moment and i think that is because i feel my time is my own and i am not overwhelmed.  so i can do things at my own pace - in an unhurried way and be on time.

i wish you luck --- if i were in your shoes i would continue with your friendship with her but make sure to try to develop other friends too so that you can go out and enjoy yourself without having to wait two hours all the time!  and only see your friend when you are in a position of not caring that you will have to wait two hours!!! (pick the time and then be sure you have a ton of washing, ironing, paperwork et al to do so that it really doesn't matter when she turns up - you can simply stop whatever chore you are doing and go off and have fun).

i am sure at some point she will probably come round to getting on meds and being more organised.  however if it is really starting to eat away at you SO badly then let her know and if she can't change let it go slightly (i don't see that there is any reason to totally cut off with an ultimatum) just next time the two of you want to do something, why not be honest and say "no - today i can't be bothered to wait two hours for you to turn up, it wastes my time and it annoys me really badly too! so i'll see you some time later when i feel i have plenty of time to waste and it is not going to annoy me so much" - you don't have to be nasty about it, that would be definitely counterproductive for you! - just straightforward.

an alternative option is to bug her into being on time --- so if you are planning on meeting at two... phone her at twelve and ask her if she is ready yet, and then again at one and then one fifteen --- because i can see that kind of annoyance is a similar pressure to time pressure and could possibly be as effective as a paralysis breaker (if she suffers from that) but it's kinda a joke.  i am not sure i would really recommend it.  in the end friends are supposed to be a benefit and people whom you love JUST exactly the way they are, with all their faults and foibles, and maybe if she is bringing out the bad rather than the good side of you - then she isn't quite the right friend for you in the end.   and that being the case then it is best to let the friendship go before the irritation starts to take its toll on you!

all the best! 


chjones39042.0700231481im just like your friend always late to everything im not good at keeping friends im better of without any but you have made me think. ive never thought about what the person of a friend with adhd might think about her. your frend is lucky to have you

[QUOTE=babssoft] She's truly one of the best people I know and a blessing on the earth.[/QUOTE]

Profound...

Most ADHDers are, but won't be applauded b/c they don't fit others' molds...

...so their bestness and blessings are sacrificed on the altar of the "status quo", where they don't fit in well.

e.g. their creativity or insights are spurned b/c they're fired b/c they don't follow society's schedule, even though they put in multiple times the work that a normal person would. So what if they're one hour late? They'll give you 12 hours of productivity in a seven hour stretch.

i've been fired more times than i can count and my house is best described as squalor.... and i've improved, but i'm still late all the time.... so i get what your friend is going through and how hard it is to live with a brain that just won't cooperate and with impulses that seem so irresistable, no matter how much you may hate yourself later for giving in to them...  i get that.  my reaction to your description of her was wow, that poor thing....

and i applaud you for wanting to help her, for wanting to keep her in your life.

i think you are asking 2 questions, so i will address both:

1. How can you deal with her behavior as it applies to your friendship?

i remember how hurt i was when my best friend told me that she always knew i would be 20 minutes later than i said i would be....  so i don't recommend that approach.

i would recommend that you be honest with her.  i know i would love to hear those words: "She's truly one of the best people I know and a blessing on the earth." --from anyone, but especially from a good friend, so that's a wonderful place to start.  i think it's important to realize that her behavior reflects her internal wiring and to NOT take it personally.  let me say that again: DON'T TAKE HER LATENESS PERSONALLY!!!  i'm guessing you are, on some level, or you wouldn't  be considering ending the friendship altogether.

having said that, i also want you to keep in mind that YOUR NEEDS MATTER--every bit as much as hers.  if it is really hard for you to continue to make plans with her because of her chronic lateness, tell her exactly how it affects you, without making accusations.  take responsibility for your own need to do things WHEN you plan to do them (a more culturally acceptable need, but no more or less valid than her need for flexibility) and ask her if there's any way she can think of for you to compromise somehow.  can you agree, for instance, to allow her a window of an hour before you begin an alternative plan?  can you agree that she will call you at some point to let you know at least roughly how late she is going to be, so that you can adjust your schedule accordingly? 

once you have done that, if she makes an agreement with you and still doesn't follow through, then you need to either adjust your expectations and decide how you will deal with it on your own or, as the other reply said, either make fewer plans with her or stop making plans with her altogether and continue your friendship on the phone or through email--if at all.

2. How can you help your friend realize that in your opinion, a support group is not enough?

again, i recommend honesty.  i personally value the opinions of my friends and if they aren't going to be honest with me about what they think about my life and my choices, what the hell good are they???  i don't want anyone telling me what to do, but when someone lovingly tells me that i need to do more to help myself, i can only appreciate the insight and love that friend all the more for giving it to me....  though again, that IS ME!!  we ADD-ers tend to be hyper-sensitive to criticism, so it is important how you time and how you phrase your particular insight.

you might try first expressing your concern for her, saying that you worry about her and want to make sure she has the help she needs.  maybe you could ask her if she's sure she's getting enough help and support and is there anything you could do to help her find more?  if she tells you in one way or another to back off, then i would do so.  as much as you want to help, ultimately it IS her life, and we all need to allow each other the dignity of making our own choices--hopefully with the support of our friends, no matter what those choices are.

hope this has been helpful and best of luck with your friend and your friendship.  best of luck to her as well.

~~~Ursula~~~

Hi all,

I've never been to this board before, but I am reaching out because my best friend's ADHD is taking a serious toll on our friendship and also on her life.

For starters, she has admitted to me in the past that she engages in impulsive and high-risk sexual activity.  She also has a problem with chronic and extreme lateness.  She is consistently late to our plans by at least 1-2 hours, the latest ever being 3 hours.  She is late to work a minimum of 15 minutes to half an hour daily and is on the brink of getting fired.  She also constantly locks herself out of the house, loses important things, breaks things, and her apartment is a complete mess and she can't find anything.  She is late on bills and was almost evicted twice in the past year.

She recently began attending a monthly support group, but I fear that this is not sufficient, considering how ADHD is taking such a toll on her life.  I am really worried about her and feel like it's my responsibility to speak up and tell her that she needs to seek out help immediately and begin to manage her ADHD, but I'm not sure if this will just make her feel worse about herself and come off as derogatory.

I also have reached my limit with her lateness and it has become such an interference in our friendship that I feel like I cannot make plans with her anymore.  I have 2 jobs and I cannot wait for 1-2 hours for anyone.  I also don't feel that allowing her to be late is of benefit to her condition.  Something tells me that enabling her lateness and letting her continually use ADHD as an excuse for innappropriate lateness or behavior is not the solution, and in fact could probably only make things worse in the long run.  When she's late, I usually don't even remark because I know it's the ADHD, but she goes into this long tangent of excuses and explanations for the lateness and acts defensive and manipulative.  This makes me feel taken advantage of and incredibly disrespected, and frankly, like I can't trust her, because I know the truth is that it's the ADHD and not the cat, the important phone calls that held her up, the broken shower, etc.... 

I really have no idea what the solution to our friendship is.  I love her a lot but I cannot allow her to continually impede upon my life and time, nor can I be complicit with this extreme lateness which may only exacerbate her ADHD.  Is there a middle-ground?  I don't think it would be fair for me to only go to her house (a guarantee that no one is late), or limit the friendship to the telephone and email.  In fact, even when I go over to her place, she is never ready, anyway.  It feels like there's no solution and I'm worried that our friendship is over.  Moreso, I'm worried that she's on the brink of ruining her life.

I am open to any advice or suggestions on how I might be able to tell her that I think she needs more serious help with ADHD, or adive on how we might be able to make this work without encouraging innappropriate lateness.

Thanks in advance, Abbey