I am new here so, I may be giving thoughts others have shared. Our youngest is adhd (as is our middle, but to a lesser degree) . We try and make sure the other 2 do not have to be involved in his med. appts., dicussions of schedules and charts, etc.
We also, after MUCH heartache, removed him from their school. In the end, THAT was the saving grace, as his issues do not impact them at school and they do not have to hear from peers about his behaviors. Finally, they have a couple of activities without him.
They now seem to get along better, with the older ones not being as 'annoyed with' or mad at the youngest. They have less time with him, but the time together is more peaceful...MUCH more peaceful. Hope this helps--
Try to praise and reward him each time he does things that you want (like work independently) and tell him how proud you are that he is growing into such a special young man. Ask the teacher to "catch" him working independently and praise him for this. The positive reinforcement should help alot.We have reward systems at home and in his class room. We are trying to think of something else to do for him.. The teacher is as well, as the system they have at school just doesn't mean a lot to him... He still looks for high amounts of praise other than stickers and a prize box... Can you minimize his exposure to your other son's treatment plan? I mean, can the parent that isn't with him be the one to call the dr or get refills? I don't think it's too young to teach your adhder that taking his meds is a personal thing and should be done without an audience. Is the younger son in school during the other son's appointments? Could he be? You don't want to turn him into a grasping attention hound, and I think that using a reward system as a deterrant for attention-getting behavior sends a mixed signal: if I continue to look for attention and get rewarded for not doing it, why should I stop doing it all together?As I have mentioned we have two sons, they are a year a part. The older one 7 has the adhd, 6 year old does not. We all know it takes so much energy and time for the adhder. Over the past year it has really affected our second son. He is over reacting to things and trying to get attention. I feel very bad for him, you can see it in him how sad he is that the other has dr appointments weekly and we call about meds. He is to young to understand what is going on. But, he can see all the attention his brother gets.. We make sure and do things with him on the weekends just me or DH. Going out for breakfast before a soccer game etc.. We have taken him to several drs appointments so he knows where it is etc. and sees it's not a lot of fun.. In his conference yesterday, we were told he looks for help and attention during class when he doesn't need it.. I have thought about this all last night.. DH and I talked aoout it again.. Any ideas.. we want to try and do more for him.. So we can make him feel special... the way he thinks his brother is because of the adhd..Gosh this subject really strikes close to home.
I have a similar issue in my house. 10 yr old son has ADD and a 504 student, not a lot of friends and somewhat shy and 6 yr old daughter is in gifted program, very popular and social. It is VERY hard to make sure both feel they get my attention they deserve for their individual issues and accomplishments.
How do I do it? As others have said, special time in private to discuss their concerns. I have been a single mom for a while now and only recently just remarried. I go over each of their homework independently and send the other off to play until I call them back; this way we avoid embarrassment or hurt feelings if they overhear praise or corrections. I also talk to each one for a few minutes at bath time/bed time each night. Since they take turns in the bathroom, it gives me a few minutes we can talk in private. I'm always amazed at the level of conversation we can have at bedtime! Its like the last things on their mind for the day's events comes out..it is great time!
I have a secret stash for both for rewards too for grades and stuff. I also refer to special handbook "101 ways to boost your child's self-esteem" often; it has some great, quick ideas. Special notes in their lunch or whatever go a long way in making a special time for you and you child on an individual level. School plasy and parties are another way to do this...attend without their sibling so they can shine on their own. You mentioned sports...perhaps Dad can attend by himself or coach and make him the "star" for the day.
They will take turns though calling something out as "not fair, why do they do that and I don't?" and I just try to remind them that they are not the same, but different AND they have different challenges/privileges due to their ages. One rule in our house is that we have to talk kind to one another and give respect. Sibling rivalries can cause all kinds of bad comments to come out and this is probably the biggest challenge I have is to keep the two of them from putting the other down because of their jealousy.
In your case wmtmann, perhaps a family counselor is good for help too. Maybe they can offer you some advice on how to make sure both feel special in their own way with you. It sounds as though your non-ADHD child needs a way to express himself and feel his worth.
Good luck! It keeps us on our toes!
that is the hardest, my 9 year old is in the gifted program at school, and the 7 year old has bad ADHD and ODD. Dylan often gets upset cause he behaves adn is in the background over Cody who is always having a melt down or an issue. He asked the other day if he needed to misbehave or drop his grades to get attention..broke my heart!!
I have to remember that he is hurting as we all are over this and needs some way to go's :-) i have tryed to have special dates with him as often as i can but beign a singl emom it is hard unless i hire a sitter for cody...
My older son, Jake, is the kind of kid that just does what he is supposed to with no hassle, reminders, etc.
And then there is Chase...he needs to be prodded, reminded and supervised almost every step of the way...and takes his meds and supplements day and night.
One day, Jake said to me when I wanted to celebrate Chase's good grades..."Mom, I got good grades too!" I wanted to cry, I had let him fall through the cracks. So from then on, I constantly (within his hearing) brag him up to family and friends...usually when he thinks that I don't know he can hear...and when the grade cards come, I make a big deal out of "My 2 smart boys".
We did have some issues with the older one "pushing Chase's buttons" almost on purpose to get the big (explosive) reaction, but I found an ADHD simulator on the web, and had him (Jake) try it and then he read what an adult with ADHD wrote about how the outside chatter affects an ADHD mind, and he was humbled and has not done it since. He often says that he feels bad for Chase, because "the little guy has to take pills every day", but never in Chase's hearing...so I know it is genuine empathy.
I am extremely proud of both of my boys!