hurt feelings | ADHD Information

I really like that  -  you love your child enough to let them hate you!

My son will do this once in a while - I think that he is upset and wants to draw me into being upset with him!!

My sister told me that when her son will start in with "you are a bad mom, you don't let me do anything" etc. she will say "that may be...." because what he really wants is for her to argue with him.  If you agree with them, and are sympathetic to their plight, but still firm with your decision, they have a hard time arguing, it kind of throws them off guard.

I've also had to harden my heart to this.  My 8yo used to say a LOT that he hates me and every time he would get a reaction. Since I've stopped reacting to it, telling him, that's nice but I still love you - and No, you're still not getting it, he's given up on it. 

They get over it fast and won't remember you as the mommy who always said no, but the mommy who took the hard road (how much easier would it be to give in and say yes, less of a fight!!) for their OWN GOOD.  A six year old does not know what's for his own good.  Sweets are nice, he may not like veggies, but the nutritional content which he doesn not know ....  as a mother myself I understand so much better some of what my parents did whereas as a kid I just thought they were doing it to spite me.

Can you say Manipulation.  Thats how they express that they are mad, that they arent' getting there way.  When my kids say it I say Oh well, and ignore it, and never let them see that it hurts my feelings.  Even though occasionally is does, but not much.  Good Luck.I've heard this from both my kids at one point or another. I always figure
being a 'mean mom' means I'm doing something right

I try to say 'well i love you anyway' but sometimes its comes out more like
'well i love you anyway even though I dont like you very much right now"

I've tried the 'that hurts my feelings' and some other suggestions...this too
shall pass is the only thought that gets me through these lovely parenting
moments.Both my boys have said they hate me, I am the meaniest mommy ever, because I won't give them something, or we have to leave my sister's house.

I have always just said that is fine if you feel that way, but, I am your mother I love you and I need to do what is best for you. I will remind them when they come back with how I am the best mom and how much they love me.. I feel it is important to bring up the mean things they say at that time.. It makes them think how lucky they are and that things are not as bad as they make them out to be... wmtmann39051.2780671296I'd like to pass on some wonderfull advise that was given to me. A wonderful friend of mine who happens to be a judge and a child advocate told her son and daughter that she loved them enough to let them hate her. She said it stopped them cold so I now have said the same thing to my children and she was right. when my daughter was 5 she said she hated me and didn't want me for a mom (I said no to McDonalds for dinner) That was the first time (not the last though) she had said that to me and I stopped the car and told her to get out and sleep in the woods and find her own dinner. It was probably the most horrible thing I have ever said to my little peanut and I instantly felt like the worlds worst mom but it was a knee-jerk reaction. She had been screaming for hours, this was before we started meds and she was always screaming so I was at my wits end. She freaked when I said that and apologized and begged me not to leave her and told me she loved me. She said she hated me a few more times after that but I just ignored it and eventually it stopped.

You know he doesn't really hate you.  He hates that he isn't getting his way.  And yes, I hear this a lot too.  I just say, "But I LOVE you!"  When they say I'm the meanest mom in the whole world, I just say, "You're darn right I am!"  Sometimes I say to them "You know I am the meanest mom in the whole neighborhood."  And surprisingly they say "Oh, no you're not, XYZ is the meanest!"  

The funny thing is, I don't remember saying that to my mom growing up, not ever.  Does anyone else remember doing this?

No I dont remember saying this to my mother at such a  young age. Now if we bring the teenage years into the conversation I would have to bow my head and say guilty........Hi guys.  My 5 year old will go so far as to name all the people that he still does love, and then add, "but not you, mom, because you won't (fill in the blank).  Sometimes I help him think of other people that he forgot to name!!  Sometimes I tell him that I have to tickle people who don't love me and then chase him around the house.  Sometimes I make up other silly scenerios when I wouldn't let him do something, like "yeah, remember the time I wouldn't let you jump off of the roof of our house naked in the winter?"  and just keep making things like that up til I can make him laugh. If he's in a seriously bad mood and threatening to burn the house down or something (bipolar) I just calmly remind him that I love him every second of every day and always will and just leave it at that.  thank you! thank you!  what all of you have said makes soo much sense.  I will try to keep myself together next time...  although i know it will be hard.  I've picked a couple of quotes from each of your post to remember to say to myself if im ever in this situation again....  Shew...  but im sure as each of you know, when in the mist of a bad situation.. it can be hard to refrain from impluse and say/do the right thing. wish me luck...  and thanks again.

Everyone else is right....Just say the "I'm really sorry you feel that way, because I sure do love you!" line, and walk away.........

When I can't refrain from impulse and I just really need a giggle (for myself) during a stressful moment, I sometimes say, "Well honey, I'm really sorry you feel that way, because I sure do love you, but if you are really that upset with me, (or dislike me that much) maybe you'd like me to take you to Walmart or the FleaMarket? I'm sure you could probably find a "New Mommy" for sale there!" 

MamaBear39050.8812847222If I had a dollar for everytime I heard "your mean mommy and I hate you, I want to be in another family".  I ignored him, usually this was said after he was sent to his room.  He would always later apologize after I told him how much he hurt my feelings. Dont sweat it.  He was trying to get to you and he did.  You can crym but not where he can see you.  Dpnt let him know he got to you.My dad used to tell me he got paid extra for being mean. The way I see it if he saw you crying he knows how to get to you to upset you like he is upset, show no tears to him.  Respond to him in a dry fashion like you do not care (keep it inside) "I am sorry you feel that way but I still do love you" and move on to finish what you are doing.What in the world do you do when your 6yr old tells you he does not like you and wants new parents?  (this all came from me telling him no to bubble gum right before dinner) Total melt down.  He tells me I always tell him no...  always! He even went as far as writing a good bye note.  shew!  He has since told me he was sorry, after he saw me crying.  What am i doing wrong..  why does he hate me soo much.  As a parent I cant let him have everything. I do let him have alot ..  and he gets dang near anything he wants!  If we keep going down this road his only memories of me when he gets older will be hate.. b/c I'm "the mom that always says no". Evenings can be so hard sometimes at my house.  Just had to tell someone..

My 7 yr old has said that he hates me when he doesn't get his way.  Fortunately this was a tactic used by his older brother when he was his age also.  When he says this I basically tell him that is ok but I still love him and he still can't have what he wants. Kids go for the heart and throat sometimes to get what they want.  I just feel he was mad at the times he has said this and it his way of expressing his anger and also a try to get his way with me.  I have always told my kids  that I get as just as tired saying no as they do hearing it. 

I have had this issue before with my 6yr old. At one time I also remember breaking down to tears and he having a blank reaction (he has problems understanding feelings and his therapies are helping him in this). As I spoke to his psychologist, she told me that the best approach is to ignore these comments. It is difficult for me, each time he says something like I hate you or I don't want you as my mom, it really touches me and I feel pain in my heart. Sometimes I want to explode. But I have been making an effort to hold it and little by little these kinds of events are subsiding . He was at his worst when he was starting medication (Strattera); he had terrible mood issues and usually said these things.

I have to add that there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. You are just helping your ds as any loving mom would do. Kids don't see it that way. They think that the world is against them. I think that they will overcome this with maturity. In the mean time try to find reward systems as the marbles so you can have a more peaceful environment at home. For me, it has been wondeful.

I don't know if my post is of any help for you, but I reallly wish you the best of lucks.