stepfamilies | ADHD Information

What about talking to his mother? You mention her often so you all must look up to her. Your husband, is he close to the chid that the two of you have together? Ask him about Geoff, and that how will it affect him?! Your husband sounds like he is really feeling a lot of pressure and very unsure of himself, nothing makes sense, no real plan.

You will be amazed at yourself when you learn what obstacles we really can overcome.  You will be as strong as you have to be for your other child and yourself........Him leaving may be the best thing that could happen to your and your child.  Keep your head up and stay strong. 

I was just told by my husband that he is thinking about getting his own place. He has told me this before but it was all talk. I told him we should try and work it out but if he decides he wants to leave, he will take my ss because I have no real claim to him and me and my son will leave. I also told him we will leave becaue I can not afford the rend in our crappy apartment by myself. I kinda wish I could take Geoff but I am not his mom, he needs his dad. Maybe this is what his dad needs to realize that he is not doing enough for his son. If I back out and he has to do the laundry, dishes, cooking and dealing with Geoff, he may realize how hard it has been on me.

This makes me sad. I know my husband and I have had problems. It told my husband that we fight about the same things all the time. If he would talk to me and settle the issues, it would be fine and we could be upset with each other occaisionally about new issues.

I think I am strong enough now to think I can deal with my husband and ss leaving but I wonder if it really happens if I will be that strong...Gosh life sucks.

I feel so bad for you, and am hoping you get through this OK.

Sending hugs...    

I am recently remarried (and sought family counseling when I first began seeing an issue about blending etc.) so I wanted to throw in another side to the coin to consider. 

Step families are very hard by nature to blend when children from prior relationships are involved.  The bio-parent is naturally defensive and protective over their child, especially when someone new comes into the picture and makes them feel on guard, inadequate as a parent, or whatever.  Our counselor swiftly bonked us over our heads when we began to explain some of our issues to her which essentially, reminded us that the child(ren) have two bio-parents and it is those two people (not you) that are solely responsible for the discipline of the bio-child(ren).

In other words, you as step-mom can provide care, mentoring and comfort, guidance etc. but any discipline/rules issues needs to be between he and his dad alone.  Remove yourself from the situation of having to correct him.  Your spouse cannot resent you if you place the sole responsibility on his shoulders.  I found myself having to defend myself at every turn when I would try and create new rules (for my DH's son) the way that I see raising my own children and it was building stress between me and my husband.   Plus, like you, I saw that he had missed out on some good parenting while growing up so naturally, I felt the urge/instinct to be "mother" to him.  By stepping away from that role, it has gone much smoother.  I let dad be the parent and he has to find his own way with his child and I bite my tongue.  I can be there for support and empathy, but he calls the shots as it pertains to his child.  Now if I see his child doing something that is dangerous or in violation of a mutually agreed upon household rule, I am able to call the child out on it, inform his dad and let him handle it from there.  Stuff like homework?  I dont even have to nag him anymore like I do with my own kids because his DAD is responsible for that stuff.  Dad "has" to step up to the plate...its his child!

If your stepson wants to only talk to his dad, you have to respect that.  Kids adapt to new people in their own time.  The best goal you should have for yourself and your stepson is that you can forge a strong relationship based on friendship, trust and respect.

I hope that makes sense.  It really has helped take a load off of me.

Now as far as the other issues with your relationship between you and your husband specifically.  Verbal abuse is verbal abuse.  Only "you" can guage your own strength to be able to make a decision for change.  Life is too short to suffer from an abusive relationship, children or no children.

Good luck!

Residentblonde,
I understand your response or part of it.

Here's the thing.Donnie is selfish. He does what he wants when he wants. Don't get me wrong- he does better now than before but he has his freedom I don't. I am the one who gets the kids up, fed, dressed, off to school, pick them up, feed them dinner, give them baths, make and take them to appointments, laundry, dishes and everything else you can think of.

Donnie works weekends, does not have to ask about his schedule. When he comes home, he does nothing. I do it to make him happy but he lives me to hand him his food. It shuts him up faster. He tells me that is why he has a wife. Sometimes, I make a fight out of that but most times I just shut up and move on. He does not plan anything. I know When I get home that I need Dinner, bath , free time and bed. If it was up to Donnie, Geoff would take a bath whenever he felt like it. Geoff also has an internal alarm clock that no matter how late he goes to bed he is up with the sun every day! He is so darn grumpy if he does not get enough sleep.

Heck, Donnie won't even go to the doctor for himself if I do not make the appt for him. If I had to rely on him for my childs shots, they would never happen. Donnie does not help pay for daycare(0 a week for our youngest). I have to beg Donnie to watch the kids to go somewhere by myself otherwise they have to go with me. They go with me everything. I take Geoff to his tutoring on Saturday while Donnie sleeps. I stopped asking Donnie to go anyplace with me and the kids because he won't go. I don't have a problem with that setup so much. Sometimes, I would like time to myself but I feel like I just have to suck it up and deal with it because it is part of being a parent.

Donnie has only recently started stepping in as Geoff behaivor has worsened. he disciplines Geoff now more than ever. However Geoff does not dare back talk his dad at all. That's why this is so frustrating because he will back talks me at every step. I wonder at which point as a stepparent that I will have to stop proving to that kid that I love him and expect him to listen to me.

When I get upset about Geoff's behaivor, Donnie's philosphy is oh well he is just being a kid. Geoff is 9 not 3 and Donnie wants to see him as a baby which is great but he needs to stop being treated like a complete helpless, no responsibility baby.

I have taught Geoff to take care of himself, though, it is still difficult because Donnie is a slob and I have to take care of him so sometimes Geoff thinks he can be like that. I tell Geoff (without downgrading his dad) that there is not always going to be someone to take care of you and you need to know how to take care of yourself first. Geoff knows how to do dishes although I do not make him do them on a regular basis. Geoff has to keep his room clean. He helps me with sweeping by holding the dustpan. Those are the grunt of his household charts apart from the general keeping up after himself. He has to take his laundry to the basket. He knows how to fold clothes. He folds towels every weekend and does great at it most times. If it was up to my husband, he would do nothing and I would have more housework than I already do!

I obviously take parenting and most things more serious than my husband because I want to see Geoff overcome the irresponsibility and grow up to be a great adult. Donnie was raised fine by his mom more than his dad. I do not want Geoff to pick up too much on the selfishness that is my husband because of how Donnie's dad neglected and abused him.

Donnie would not know what to do if I stopped doing what I do. The kids would suffer not him because he just would not care.

Is there some middle ground on the whole step parent thing?I think I should add that I do not try and change my husband and his bad habits because it is impossible. I am happy if he puts his laundry in the basket or takes his dish to the sink.

Are there any other wives of servicemen that you are close to? Donny may be dealing with post traumatic stress related to his military service and there should be services available to him. He needs to somehow see that until he deals with his issues, he cannot be effective at dealing with his family's needs.

My husband was going through depression due to a debilitating disease and he was basically out of the picture (or not in it in a constructive manner) for quite some time. He has now gotten his act together (needed some not so gentle prodding from me) and is doing so much better as a husband and father.

I have to say that if the kids are hearing the hateful things that your husband says to you, it will really set them up for relation problems when they are grown.

If you cannot get Donny to seek familly couseling or individual counseling, you may need to remove yourself from the situation to save yourself and your youngest child. Who know, it may precipitate action by Donny (good or bad). One functional parent is better than the conflict that you are describing in your home.

Take care of yourself and as my daughter's psychiatrist recently told me "do not be a martyr".

What you've described is abusive behavior on your husbands part.  Please get out now before it gets physically violent- that can happen very quickly, especially when you're dealing with someone who is depressed and suffering from mental trauma related to war (I'm speaking from experience here).  If you can't leave now, then at the very least pack a bag for you and the kids, stash money in it at every chance you get, in small increments so he doesn't notice it missing, and know the locations of your local women's shelter.  I have thought about leaving. It breaks my heart. I know the worsening relationship will eventually lead to physical abuse. I feel like I am stuck because it is not just me and my little son to consider. Donnie's Son, my stepson is holding me there. Donnie does not do anything for him and yet he can do no wrong. He always wants his dad for no reason and it makes me feel inadequate. Geoff has had a hard life and we put this family together. We were happy. It's sad because this thursday is only our 1 year wedding aniversary. If I leave it will hurt Geoff. My husband does not do the baths, getting up for school, laundry, none of it. To be fair, he never did. If I leave, Geoff grandmother/Donnie's mom will end up taking care of him and she has her own problems to deal with. She has lung cancer and may not live very long. She is already raising her granddaughter for her daughter and it is not fair for me to leave and give her more problems/responsibilities. I feel stuck...

You only get one life.  It sounds like your SS has had a pretty crappy one so far, and that's horrible for him, but you only have one life, also. While there are things that you owe to that little boy for accepting a role in his life, you also have to look after your own life.

It could be that your expectations of a boy who's gone through so much and has adhd may be a little too high. ADHD kids are generally less mature than their peers, so he may not actually be at a typical 9 yo maturity level. He might be a 6 or 7 yo, or even younger depending on his other life circumstances. It will probably take several years for him to learn what you expect and to be able to comply in a way that you find suitable. He may have other issues aside from the adhd. Wait...did I read that he has adhd?

As for your husband, let's call a spade, a spade.  I don't want to offend, but any guy that says to the woman he loves that he's bothered by a weight gain really needs to take a close look in the mirror. Chances are that he's no Brad Pitt, either, even if he thinks he is. Unless you've doubled your weight, he needs to put a cork in it.

I really think that family therapy would be a great idea for you all, including Grandma. You all need to find a way to create more fulfilling lives for all of you. Good luck!

edited to add: As a vet, isn't yur husband entitled to services at the VA? He could get help for PTSD there.

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I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time.  I know this sounds like a cliche but I really think family counseling is needed here.  It sounds your ss has had a really rough life and now his biological mom has cancer.  It is alot for anyone to deal with.  There are too many issues and dynamics all at once that is why it seems so overwhelming and desparate.  You need to have a serious talk with your husband and categorize the problems and start working on them before it really gets out of control!

I wish you the best.

 

It is Geoff's grandmother that has cancer. She would be the one taking care of him in my absence and it's not right. She has been supportive of me because she knows how her son (my husband)is but (not that I blame her) now she wants to stay out of the situations. I understand why she wants to do that but it leaves me frustrated because she was the person who would listen to my frustrations and let me get them out.

I would like to settle these issues with my husband but he just..I don't know..he seems in a bad mood before he is even home..I don't even say hi to him and he already has problems with me. When I try to settle issues and try to get him to talk to me, he tells me to shut the f--- up and refuses to settle anything.
I seriously think he has depression issues. He was in Desert Storm and up until recently was having nightmares. I just don't know how to get him help. He does not have insurance and is the kind of man who does not make his own doctors appt. He is tall man and I can not make him to the doctor.

I really don't mind arguing a little with my husband because I think a little bit may be okay and healthy but I wish he would settle old issues with me so we could argue about something new!

I need help...

Do you think your husband also has ADHD, maybe even bipolar? He sounds depressed! He also may feel guilty for what happened to his son! And that is why he acts the way he does.

It sounds like you can't even address the issue with him. Something must have been good at one time for you to marry and have a child together. And thank god for you for Geoff! What a horrible start he has had and so unnecessary. I hope is biomom never gets visitation with him - how abusive.

You are more of a mom to Geoff than he has ever had and he has had some psycho. damage I bet. Does Geoff talk to any counselors about this? Your husband sounds like he blames himself and in doing so, takes it out on you, the one he loves! People tend to do that to the ones they love and are comfortable with.

I think your husband needs to talk to someone, there is more going on with him than anyone knows, maybe even him, and he can get help only if he wants it!

I think you are wonderful doing what you are doing for Geoff's sake! He probably knows it, but just doesn't show it.

Gosh I don't know anything about step parenting but it sounds like you are a mom and a half.    I do think your hubby may also have ADHD as he sounds VERY DISORGANISED.  I think the counselling idea is a good one.

I never thought that my husband might have ADHD.

To answer questions: No, Geoff does not and will not ever have any visitations with his bio mom. He has not seen or talked to her in over a year since she claimed him on her taxes last year even though he did not live with her and she did not pay for anything for him. When Geoff had weekend visitations, I would initiate the call to set it up. I would drop him off and sometimes pick him up if she did not have any gas money (pitifull excuse but did it for Geoff). We even had to talk Geoff into going back to visit his mom, after she slapped him once. We wanted to show Geoff people make mistakes (I know hers was one too many) and it did not work out in the end. In those visitations, she never bought clothes for him until she claimed him on her taxes. In 9 months, she never bought him clothes so I did not have to pack a bag for him. His clothes always came back smelling like dog p--p and cigarettes and she never offered to wash them. On top of it, if Geoff asked she would let him spend the night at his cousins house even though she only got a day and a half with him. That was one of the last things that happened before the taxes that I had to pull her aside and tell her that if he is going to spend the night somewhere else when he was her house he needed my permission. She was smart enough not to cause a fight when I told her that. I just found it ridulous that she would give up what little time she had with him so he could spend the night at someone else's house and be someone else's problem.

I talk to Geoff's great aunt who is in contact with Geoff's bio mom and she says she does not even ask about him. It makes me sad that a mom can just forget about her child so seemingly easy. It's not just with Geoff too. Geoff has an older brother- Dylan (not my husbands child). Dylan is 14 and has been living with his paternal grandparents for 6 years or maybe more.

I think my husband feels guilty about Geoff's past but we cannot let that affect his future. I very much pick my battles with Donnie because there are many things about him that I or anybody is never going to change and likewise there are things he is never going to change on me.

Yes, our marriage was good at one point in time. He was mad at me at one point because having our 2 year old was a surprise because I have had some medical problems and I thought I could not get pregnant. Obviosly, he got over that. Our 2 year old is just the best child ever. He has red hair, a little of a bad temper sometimes but overall a very good child for his age. Donnie always needed someone to do for him and I don't mind most of the time. It is when he gets it in the frame of my mind-be my wife don't ask questions just do what I say. That I object to and I fight with him on. I have told him before that he is not my boss he is my husband and I will do for him but not if he orders me around.

I have emailed the Va hospital here in AZ to see if there is anything we can do for Donnie. I have not and will not tell Donnie unless something concrete comes up.

I love Geoff. I don't mind doing for him. I wish Donnie would offer to help even just a little bit but we all live in reality here. I can either be always unhappy about it or live in the real world. I just wish Geoff would treat me with more respect. What hurts me when he asks for his dad is that he does it in the middle of me talking to him-that he is not even listening! Donnie can do no wrong but most days it sure feels like I can and do!

This is my life. I am complaining but I just want a little bit of change to happen. I married Donnie knowing how he was. He married me knowing how I plan and am "anal" about things. Most good days, we compliment each other because he is more free spirited. One of the reasons it makes me upset when Donnie yells at me about Geoff because I have told him that he would not have married me if I was a mean person and that he should step in more.

I take it day by day. These past few weeks and majority of days have been horrible. As I have said before in other posts, I have a stepson that is 9 years old. He is good kid most of the time. My husband has been a hands on parent. It's not something I am going to change it's not like him. Lately, when my husband comes in he sees things at the worst times. What I mean is something like this. For Example. last night I gave Geoff and my 2 yr old a bath and Geoff usually does really good about not using too much shampoo because I relate how much to use based on coin sizes. Anyways, last night he used wayyyy to much and he was washed up but with the suds in the tub he was all soapy. He was being real good before then. I was telling him to stand up to get rinsed off because he put too much shampoo in the tub and he was crying becasue he was cold. THAT was when my husband walked in.He did not care what happened all that mattered to him was that Geoff was crying and I was being a B!!!! to him. I wasn't though. Donnie refuses to ask about situations or see that it just might his son doing something wrong, or that he just caught me at the point that I lost it. His mom even told him that I was yelling at him for a legitamate reason. I know Geoff did not cry like that on purpose because he did not know his dad was home, he was cold and being whiny. Geoff, my ss, is sooo stuborn, he does not learn lessons ever the easy way. He has to experience it.

Ok so that was last night...THis morning we were running short on time. So I was telling Geoff if he wanted me to do his hair for spirit week he had to not play. And I got yelled at again because he thought I was being mean again. Geoff was not upset at all when I was talking to him. I was telling him that if he chose to play we would not have time to do his hair. I feel like I can not win.I am a b---h even when I am not and I am never patient enough.


I feel like I am supposed to be superhuman. I love this kid but I really feel like I want out of my marriage. Donnie tells me he hates that I have gained weight and that he stays with me for our son Connor. Most of the time, I stay because I know if I was not around Geoff would not get cared for. Donnie would happily leave it up to his mom to take care of Geoff and she has lung cancer, going through chemo and already has one grandchild to take care of. Then I wonder if I am strong enough to leave Donnie and stay away from him and not play the apart-together game.

There are just soo many obstacles in stepparenting/families. Even though Geoff loves me and calls me mom, when Donnie calls him HIS son, that I am not his Mom and will never be. Then I think of his biological mom who did horrible things. She let her boyfriend beat him, had Geoff begging on the street for money, did not put Geoff is school and he is 9 and still does not know how to read. I start comparing myself to her and wonder if I am as bad as her...I think I know that I am not but it makes me feel horrible. Geoff does not listen to me half the time. He does not respect me. I try to be patient but of course my husband NEVER sees that.

I do love my husband and I knew what he was like when I married him. I love Geoff. I hate feeling like this. I have thought about leaving him before but then I think of Geoff and this family we built for him is going to dissolve too and how can that help him BUT then how is he being helped if Donnie and I fight too much. Donnie tells me he hates me and he does not care about anything anymore. I feel like that sometimes but I feel like I have to be strong because even if I do not feel like it those kids still deserve a parent to at least pretend they care and take care of them.

Deep down, I think Donnie wants Geoff to be this helpless baby but he is not. He is 9 years old. He does things for himself. He has an attitude problem alot of the time. I think maybe my husband wants his baby back and does not want to see this half grown up brat child. I don't think of course Donnie has thought it through this much. I just wish Donnie would want to stop coddling him and stop telling me I am a b!!!! when I am simply telling a 9 year old what is expected of him and the consequences.

I feel trapped in my own life...I meant to say that my husband is not a hands on parent! Sorry!