I am going through what I have come to call "Hell Week." I am attending or hosting 5 holiday parties this week. Of course I have been obsessing over them since Saturday. I have to cook for a banquet tonight in which 30-35 people will attend. Of course the 3 parties I am attending today and tomorrow are particularly painful because I am taking time off work to prepare for them. Taking the time off from work for a person without our particular "gift" is not necessarily be a big deal. As everyone here knows this is a VERY big deal for someone with our "gift." Most people here can probably guess what has happened since Saturday.
Instead of coming to work and taking advantage of the time I am here, I have sat here wondering how I am going to balance everything. In the process, I have done absolutely nothing of substance. Instead I have obsessed, worried, and gotten angry about all the different demands in my life. I have had increasing amounts of anxiety about my job security, about my job performance, about my follow through, about everything. I have even become resentful about a vacation that I will be receiving because I don't want to go. The vacation is in March yet I am already worried about it.
I have gotten angry at this stupid season and at the people closest to me because they do not understand what it's like for somone with ADHD. The people closest to me try to be understanding but they usually just end up frustrated because they can't understand why it's all so difficult. They say things like: "why can't you just be happy?" or "I don't understand why this is so difficult for you." All of the activities and gatherings with all of their external stimuli really create problems for me. This is the time when I feel most alone because everyone else is generally in good spirits and I just want to crawl into a hole until things slow down. It's all just too much to process. Unfortunately, no amount of medication, no amount of coaching, no amount of counseling, no amount of self-encouragement or encouragement from others helps. I feel as if I just have to muddle through until a week after New Year's.
I don't have friends, or co-workers to have parties for or to be invited to, so I can't relate in that sense. But I can relate into the season being overwhelming. I'm always stressing about how I'm going to get things done, how I'm going to pay for the holidays for my kids and husband's gifts etc..etc..It's a stressful time for us.The main problem for me has nothing to do with ADHD. I noticed that every time I've been hit with depression so intense it would land me in a hospital mental ward, its been durring the months of December, January or February.
Then I saw a program on SDD- Seasonal Depression Disorder- a condition brought on by a significant decrease in sunlight. When I saw that, I remembered when I used to be an indoor pot farmer and how in the dead of winter I would go into the grow room to tend my plants, and while exposed to the light emitted from lamps I used to simulate sunlight- metal halide and a full spectrum preasure light- I would begin to feel good and wasn't even smoking anything. At that time I would chalk it up to just being around the plants, but on this program they showed how they used 'Light Therapy' to treat sufferers with much success. So...
I dug out the old lights I saved when I gave up farming... (yeah, kidds clean today) and it works like magic! Couple of hours is all it takes.
Yeah, I hate the holidays, too.
Money stress, divorced, kids live in another city, no local friends, short days, yuck.
I tried drinking, but i'm not a good drunk.
So now I'm watching a lot of TV.
Boring.