I am about to burst | ADHD Information

Here I come again. I am desperate; not exactly with my son. I am desperate with my husband. As many of you know he just comes home for the weekends, but now he has been here for a while because of his vacations.

I don't know, but when one gets married you never stop to think that you are going to disagree so much in regard to your children's education. 

My ds has been having some mood issues this week again. Last Tuesday I took him to a park with some of his friends, his behavior was making me feel very uncomfortable. He kept arguing and fighting with his best friend. His best friend was coming to the table where I was sitting with the other moms to tell me about my son's mean actions. So I decided to give him a warning to which he answered defiantly; I told him that if he continued this behavior I would confiscate his gameboy. He didn't pay much attention, and I am not the kind of person who would start arguing with my son outside in front of everyone. So I kept silence and when we came back home I told him that his gameboy was confiscated until Friday ( this is the worst of punishments for him). Then my husband started talking to me about this and telling me that this was a very long punishment. I told him that there was no other way because I just couldn't change the punishment as this had been my decision and my son had to learn from what he did. Guess what?? Yesterday when I came back from Christmas shopping my ds jumped to the door as I was opening it and showed me the gameboy with a very bright smile and saying that his dear daddy had given it back to him.  As a result I had an argument with h.

Today my son was again having behavior issues. He was defiant at lunch time and showed no respect when one of my dear neighbors came by to say hello. So I took again the gameboy away and my h started again telling me that this was not the kind of punishment in front of the little one.

I really feel defeated by my h. I am really crying as I write. I try to help my ds the best I can but I just can't with my h around. My son has had tremendous improvement in some areas, and this has taken so much work from me. Then my husband shows to be so unconsidered; I feel that in a matter of seconds he can destroy what has taken me so much work to build.

After this incident I felt I wanted to run away from the house, I just held myself and I am here at the computer trying to let it go.

I don't know what to do. My h is so stubborn.

well, this is a tough one.  your dh is not home enough to see the "long term" problem with the behavior mods and caving in to him.  He wants to be the hero and "save the day".  I think he's just trying to be his friend and being gone so much he forgets that being his father is more important.  It's hard for him to be heavey and punish him when he only sees him a few days a month or on the weekends.  But, that will change when he gets older.  Have you told him about the parent vs. friend problem this poses for you when he is gone?I would strangle my husband in his sleep if he did that.  I agree that you need to have a talk with him after the kids are in bed.  Explain to him that undermining your authority is only going to make your son's behavior worse- and since you are the sole parent during the week it really is crucial that he supports your decision in front of the children, even if he disagrees.well look at the bright side won't be long he will go back  to work. but maybe you and your husband needs to talk after the kid goes to bed. ask him what he thinks is more appropriate punishment and keep in mind that you are there when he is gone all week. you are doing the best you can. respect and understanding helps on his behalf. but he may have ideas on this sometimes let him take the bull by the horns who knows maybe he will understand how tough the job is. but remember love, kindness, compromise,understanding helps

Hello:

I made my h read all of the three answers. Let's see if this helps. Maybe letting him see it from other people's point of view is better.

Sometimes I feel I am caring for two little boys instead of one.

Thanks!!

I strongly agree that you cannot oppose the other parent's discipline decision, even if you disagree. You must be a united front.

However, I also think that you need to discuss and agree upon discipline/consequences. For a child with ADHD, it is generally better to use a reward program and to keep the consequences short term and very fair. If you don't, you are far more likely to see outright defiant behavior with an ADHD child. I suggest that you look at ogram's marble post at the top. Perhaps you could identify a couple of behaviors to eliminate. For example, offer rewards for being kind to friends at the next trip to the park.

I think you really have to personalize the marble system. I had to let my son choose the rewards, and the list of rewards had to constantly change. I also had to give lavish praise and ask him what he was planning on earning every morning. I noticed that adding things he could earn time with worked well. For example, I bought a video game that he wanted and then he had to pay with marbles to use it. One marble = 15 minutes.

Also, have you read/listened to 1-2-3 Magic? Some of the ideas in there combined with the marble system might do the trick.

Notelling: I have tried the  marble reward system and it always seems that at the beginning is working, but then it fails. I agree with you that my ds needs short term rewards. probably I was giving too much time (too many marbles) to find something; and then when I took marbles out my son felt so discouraged.

I really like the idea of prizing good behaviors instead of adding and then subtracting marbles with my son. I think that definitely that doesn't work. My son has a very difficult personality. He gets upset very easily.It is ironic to say that people always find it funny that my son seems to have a grumpy face all the time. I think that even confiscating things to him won't work either. He forgets punishments pretty easily.  For ex: I confiscate his game boy for some time, at the beginning he behaves fine, but then he forgets and goes back to old behavior. Once I give it back, he forgets about the previous punishment and keeps the bad behavior. I am really concerned about future teenage years. POOR ME!!!!

In regard to my h, this is a very difficult situation, he is also adhd, he has never been dx, but I am completely convinced about it. He does not show a lot of problems with concentration in his interests (work, hobbies, etc) due to his OCD ( I think his OCD helps him), instead, he is not able to understand that if he is not with me in being firm with our ds, we won't find good results.  His OCD also makes him be too stubborn; he also gets upset very easily (just like our son). All these things make it difficult when it comes to agreements. So I have taken my son ADHD all to myself but when he comes and wants to intervene, he kind of spoils everything.

Oh almost forgot, BL, what is the 123 Magic thing you are refering too, do you have a link to the info on that? 

I have tried a similar method to the marble system, with no luck.  If my husband would be more help implementing such things, I believe they would work for us as well. 

Thanks,

Mary

http://www.parentmagic.com/
I listened to and entertaining CD in my car.  It is so simple and along with the marble system it is great!

Hi Mariaven,

I can also relate to your situation.  I am throwing fitts trying to get my husband on the same page as me.  He refuses to try the things i have suggested.  I have gotten a ton of info from this forum and books, all of which i truely believe will work for my son.  My husband just can't seem to do the positive discipline methods and cannot or will not ignore certain things like whining etc.  He has to give long, drawn out lectures all the time, he calls him a spoiled brat or tells him he is acting like a heathen, and yells alot.  These methods don't work and he knows it.  He just won't stop!!!!!!!!  I have begged him to try some of the more positive methods i have learned aobut, I just can't get him to co operate.  I am about to the point where I am considering a divorce. 

Anyway, I won't spill all of my guts onto your post, just wanted to say that I am there with ya and know exactly what you are going through.  Iwould love to chat sometime and share ideas. 

Mary

Mariaven:
I don't know how old your son is but with the addition of the marble system and 1-2-3 Magic my sons are now much easier to manage.  It has taken some practice and I have not worked out the "driving in the car" kinks but for obnoxious behavior and getting things done, the two are amazing.  I use the marble system for getting things done.  Home work taking meds sitting at the dinner table... For the obnoxious behavior like sibling rivalry, rudness, whineing etc etc 1-2-3 Magic is great!  I have so much more time to enjoy my kids instead of constantly over explaining.
I have called across a room That's one! and the scuffle stopped! My husband said "What did you do?"

Thanks Ana's stepmom.

It feels good to have support from all of you, moreover, be able to vent out with peolple with similar experiences. I can hardly find friends to vent out here ( in my area) since they live their lives and have very different issues; this is why coming here for me is a must everyday.

Feel free to pm me. I can also add you in my messenger  to talk about our dh.

He sounds like my husband...more the friend and hero then the father.

 

I hope that things have worked themselves out. You and I seem to be fihting the same battle. If you ever need a friend. add me to your messenger. We can talk it out. lol

 

Hope the holidays were good.

 

Ashley

Thanks.

Lately, everything seems to be getting a little more difficult with my ds. There are many things playing around: Christmas excitement, daddy is here, no school, sleep schedules are different due to acitivities that are not routine, etc.

I wish that when school starts, everything will take the same path.

Thanks for your replies!!!

no tellin is right.  you have to find what works with the child then make the marbles work around your son.  You have to sit down and get him to help make the discipline system.  that gives him  a since of power and also gives him a way to feel more accountable.  He will take more pride in his behavior if you do it that way.  Plant the ideas in his head about what you expect out of him then you help him come up with the right punishments that work best for him.  With that, incorporate that into the marbles.  then, he feels the power and that will help with his self esteem and you will not have the battles too much.  if it's not working try some thing else.  For every negative you give your son, give 2 positives.  It was hard for us at first, I was literally looking for things, i was even telling him "you did good, you put your shoes on the right feet".  for a marble.  But, after the praises, he will crave more!  Trust me, when you find the right things, it will work like a charm!  I promise.  Keep on trying, if you need help, pm me and i'll work with you as a personal life coach.  I've done that for about 20 members now and I've been working with several here in my town.  It works if you have the right skills.    I'll give you my contact info if you need to contact me.

Your husband was wrong going and giving in to your son for now he will go to your husband whenever he does not get what he wants from you.  He will manipilate and play the two of you against one another. 

As for punishment if the behavior chart idea does not work what we do is same concept take away the gameboy and your son can control how long his punishment can last.  Give him the choice to either earn it back by good behavior and you decide when he gets it back or give him a chore to do to earn it back sooner.  And again he decides when how long the chore takes him to do to earn it back.  This plan was given to us by our psychologist.