Need advice - husband with ADD | ADHD Information
Hi all -My new husband and I believe he has ADD because he has many of the symptoms. He was "diagnosed" with ADD by a doctor who just asked him a few questions and wrote a prescription for Strattera. (Which he can't take because of the side effects) I need some advice:
1. Shouldn't we go to a specialist or someone and make sure he really has ADD?
2. Are there coping strategies besides medication that will help him be more organized and focused?
3. How do I make my husband stop and listen to me? It really bugs me when I want to have a serious talk and he can't seem to stop moving from room to room or playing games on the computer. I feel ignored and unimportant, and I know that he won't remember our conversations long term unless he's making an active effort to listen. So far, crying and yelling a lot are the only things that work... not looking forward to a lifetime of that.
Lori
[QUOTE=Lori8]Hi all -
My new husband and I believe he has ADD because he has many of the symptoms. He was "diagnosed" with ADD by a doctor who just asked him a few questions and wrote a prescription for Strattera. (Which he can't take because of the side effects) I need some advice:
1. Shouldn't we go to a specialist or someone and make sure he really has ADD?
2. Are there coping strategies besides medication that will help him be more organized and focused?
3. How do I make my husband stop and listen to me? It really bugs me when I want to have a serious talk and he can't seem to stop moving from room to room or playing games on the computer. I feel ignored and unimportant, and I know that he won't remember our conversations long term unless he's making an active effort to listen. So far, crying and yelling a lot are the only things that work... not looking forward to a lifetime of that.
Lori
[/QUOTE]
Lori,
Hi! welcome aboard,
You are in a tough place right now. First things first, if you both want to take a step
forward it is Vital that your husband get a detailed diagnosis done by a Specialist in this area. This process is, 1. start with Paediatric Records, School and or College History, Birth family History, Medical Records, Storey of life from your
husband, experiences, memories, significant events, his attitudes in general to himself and those he has most contact with, Your own experience of living with
him. 2. spend time researching and reading any scientifically supported books,
articles on this subject.
The process of confirmation must clearly indicate that there is Significant
impairment caused. A suggested, detailed management plan must be provided.
Hope this information is of use.
I am a 54 yr., old man with severe ADHD.
The secret in this is learning to change the way we view our situation.
believe me it works.
Good Luck to you two on your journey.
Lori send him an email - if he likes the computer, which I am sure he does, he can hyperfocus on it. I concentrate and learn best on the computer.
My hubby and I send each other emails, and we share an office. We just rather communicate that way, less yelling and upsets.
1. Shouldn't we go to a specialist or someone and make sure he really has ADD?
Yes! Definitely. 100% absolutely.
2. Are there coping strategies besides medication that will help him be more organized and focused?
Coaching from ADD coaches. Reading good books with explainations and coping ideas. Everyone is different, so different things work for different people. Understanding what is going on in his head, so that both of you can work around the ADD and/or work WITH the ADD. We do have some strengths too.
3. How do I make my husband stop and listen to me?
Email is a good idea.
Also, perhaps don't expect him to stop. It is hard for us to sit and look attentively into someone's eyes as they are speaking. Pretty soon we are thinking about eye colours, how many, genetic factors etc. ad infinitum! In other words, we aren't listening anyway. Ask him what works best for so that he can hear you. Perhaps driving in the car, doing the dishes, or going for a walk so that there is some physical motion happeneing while you speak. Then ask him to acknowledge what you have said by responding. Dealing with one issue at a time is good.
My husband used to think that I forgot stuff because I don't care. Not true. I forget stuff because I forget stuff.
Aaaa. Gotta go, late for work!!!
Good advice from everyone so far. An evaluation by someone who understands ADD is very important. Also, Straterra is by no means the only effective medication.
As for listening skills. I have great difficulty sitting still in a chair staring at someone while they talk. I am very comfortable driving while I talk or walking with someone. It is much easier for me to talk if I am doing something and do not have to make a lot of eye contact. I enjoy talking to someone when I am in the garage working on something. I do not know how much of this is an ADD thing and how much is a "guy" thing. I know a lot of guys who are more comfortable talking when they are standing side by side fishing or something like that (hands engaged with the fishing line and eyes on the water) as opposed to sitting at a table staring at each other.
I feel very claustrophobic and trapped when someone corners me in a room with absolutely nothing to do with my hands or eyes. That is why I take notes in meeting (even when I really do not need the notes).
Lori.
A comprehensive evaluation is a must. It needs to be done by someone well versed in adult crisis. The family physician usually is not the best person to do this. A copy of medical records may be pertinent to the person doing the testing however. My wife was diagnosed at age 42 only after my step-daughter was diagnosed. We spent a lot of days like your explaining. Yelling at each other because she wouldn't listen and kept our family in turmoil. It wasn't until we got my step-daughter hooked up with a counselor specailizing in ADHD (the first one was not and we basically wasted a year) did she say to me one day, "you know your dealing with two people with the same symptoms". With that we were referred to an adult specialist who put my wife through 12 hours of testing. It wasn't until the results came back and a letter sent to my wifes physciatrist did he even believe she had it. After a medication change that removed some of her anti-depressants and added Concerta did things calm down. It unfortunately will never be cured. It so affected us I wrote a book about our ordeal which should be out soon. My web site may have some info you'll find interesting as well.
Good luck.
I started adderall after I got married because i was driving my wife crazy. Of course, we still have problems but they're not because of my inattention.Thanks everyone who's posted so far. I'll keep checking so keep the suggestions coming! We do have good conversations in the car, and I'll definitely try emailing him. Are there any books that you all can recommend?Lori
http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&q=adhd+adults+and+ book&meta=
Here is a start on searching for a good book ! Good luck.