I"m leaving my hunsband | ADHD Information
Well, divorce is difficult but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. But, to be honest the "other man" deal sounds a little fishy to me. If you are getting emotional support from this guy, if you horde up little bits of information to tell him, if you look forward to talking to him - well that IS an affair. For a woman the act of sex isn't necessary. But you should be honest to yourself (not me) and see if there is not some sexual energy there. I got nothing against sex. As a matter of fact affairs are the best sex you can have . . . at least at first, but the results are pretty severe. So this sexual energy, if it exists, can blind you. Let's Keep talking.shinsetu_hito38282.7322569444hi all, new here....but thought i could relate to this post but in the opposite way i guess I left my husband of 25 years for a man i met on the internet who was ADD. It started out as just "someone to talk to" because i was very unhappy in the marriage. We had an immediate connection but at that point i never even considered leaving. But as time went on i felt i could not live without this person and my last child was going to college and so staying together for the sake of the kids wasnt quite as important anymore. anyway, 1 mo. after we got together he quit his job, was using alcohol to self medicate so i took him to the dr. and got him on ritalin (his son was already on it and had already been diagnosed) but he continued to use alcohol but never got drunk or anything. Then he started having seizures and then he was diagnosed bipolar and they found he had severe arthritis in his wrists from factory work. We applied for social security disability and after 2 yrs of totally supporting the 2 of us we had a hearing (he was turned down twice) and are waiting on a final decision. I love him alot, he is a wonderful man, but he has little interest in physical intimacy (but he is also on 3 different blood pressure medications), i am in bankruptcy, i have borrowed thousands of dollars from family members, have gained 20 lb. from all the stress...would i do it all again if i knew then what i know now? i dont know, we do have a good relationship and i have tried not to let the stress of all this ruin it, but there are times i feel like i will never get back as much as i give and am destined to always be the giver!
so be careful of these affairs of the heart....they will lead somewhere eventually if u let them continue...get some counseling for yourself if he wont go and make sure its really what u want and that u have done everything u possibly can to make it work before u decide to leave because the grass isnt always greener on the other side, believe me!
sunny, that story is definately out of the frying pan and into the fire. Your ex hubby is probably going ha ha.
But I would like to say, what a bum deal, and Although you thought you were making a good decision at the time and it hasnt worked out, why waste you years in this relationship.
All your kids have left the nest, this is when you are spose to be regaining your youth.
my "new" husband is my best friend, i never had that before, we can and do talk about all of this, he is loving,caring and intelligent....i believe we were meant to be together, that i am able to cope with all this because of my personality, but most women would have left by now but i truly believe this is where i am supposed to be....and my husband is doing whatever it takes to help himself with medication,etc. and drinks alot less. I guess the financial problems are temporary and so i cannot throw away a good relationship because its not perfect, no relationship is. If he had not agreed to medication and if he refused to be honest to me about all this, no, i dont think i wouldve stayed and i certainly dont believe we should continue in a relationship that is ALL one-sided so everyone must decide that for themselves and i would certainly understand that some relationships must end!I agree with Chaz. As a female adult with ADD, I can tell you that without treatment, no matter how much your husband really wants to change, he can't!!! He probably already feels worthless and ashamed and if he knows that you are talking to another man about your marital problems; that's another blow to his self-esteem. Having someone to talk to and get advice from is certainly necessary, but if you really want to save your marriage, stop this relationship right away! It is only distracting you from the real issue. Try letting your husband read some information for and about adults with ADD. It can be very comforting to know that many, many other people experience what he is experiencing. There is some degree of embassment for adults with ADD to seek help. It means acknowledging that you can't do what most people do. That is even more difficult for men. I understand your frustration, however; if you try to get help for yourself; he will probably follow. Read as much information as you can on this issue and then try to lovingly pass some of this on to your husband. The more you understand about adult ADD the more you will understand how to help your husband.Gagetolds -I've been there. Married 20 years and I often feel like I am responsible for everything....income, housework, finances, scheduling. I have been where you are and kicked him out....didn't change much, but a marrige is worth working on. First of all, I sympathize 
you need a shoulder to cry on.
Now, I think the first thing you need to do is to somehow get rid of that anger. It is causing you problems and not allowing you to be constructive. You have built up an anger with your husband and needing to get it off your chest with a friend has ended up increasing the rift with your husband. Let the anger go first. Maybe yoga, meditation, sitting alone in the garden, taking up a physical sport like racketball or running? Find something that works for you. For me, I used a personal "prayer, meditation, poem" that gave me inner strength. Drop the relationship with your friend, venting can serve to make you more aggravated, not less. If you can let the anger go, then you can start to look for the good things that he does that do contribute to your life. Look objectively at what life would be like without him, you would still do everything you do now (a bit less laundry and cooking, granted
) and probably other stuff that he does do now (change the oil in your car, maybe?). Once you are able to repair your own mental state and some sense of peace and trust with your husband, you may be able to work with him on finding ways to cope with his ADD.
Good luck.
[QUOTE=sunnydaize]my "new" husband is my best friend, i never had that before, we can and do talk about all of this, he is loving,caring and intelligent....i believe we were meant to be together, that i am able to cope with all this because of my personality, but most women would have left by now but i truly believe this is where i am supposed to be....and my husband is doing whatever it takes to help himself with medication,etc. and drinks alot less. I guess the financial problems are temporary and so i cannot throw away a good relationship because its not perfect, no relationship is. If he had not agreed to medication and if he refused to be honest to me about all this, no, i dont think i wouldve stayed and i certainly dont believe we should continue in a relationship that is ALL one-sided so everyone must decide that for themselves and i would certainly understand that some relationships must end![/QUOTE]
Far as I am concerned so long as your partner and yourself is always trying, then you have a good relationship. When my hubby gets all overwehlmed with some of his business frustrations and financial stresses, and asks why I am still here putting up with him, I say because you never stop trying. I love tryers, that is all you can expect I reckon Cheers!
Well, I think my wife has probably felt the same on many occasions. I'm glad she hasn't given up on me. I know that I wish my wife knew that it wasn't personal when I forget for the umpteenth time. I know that I wish my wife understood that it wasn't lack of concern for her when I started thinking about other things while she spoke to me. I have not been as demanding on what my wife is doing but I know she has also sought friendships from at least one other man. She sees value in such friendships and I know she has been happier since forming it, but I think it also redirects emotional energy that might otherwise help us be closer. It is insightful to hear from you though and I can actually understand your anger.First off:
Getting support from another man in a situation like this is creating an emotional bond with him. Maybe not exactly an affair, but definately in that direction. Unless this some old family friend or something like that, I would recommend pulling back. Talking to someone of the opposite sex about your marital problems is one of the most common ways affairs get started (the sex usually come later).
Now to the main problem:
If I understand you, your husband has ADD, knows he has it, and refuses to seek treatment. Is that correct? If so, why does he refuse help? Is he embarrased? Is he afraid to take medication? Is afraid he will be labeled a "nut". Is he just afraid to go to the doctor? Is he maybe afraid the doctor will find out other things he really does not want to face up to?
Do you encourage him to get help? I don't mean yell, scream, and nag at him when he forgets something or does not follow through on a promise. Because let me tell you something right now in a very blunt way (maybe I can save you some pain and agony). If he really has ADD and does not get treated, you will scream, yell, bitch, complain, nag, threaten, and cry yourself to sleep for the next 40 years and not one damned thing will get better.
He must get help, but you cannot force him. Try to be kind and persuade him. Explain to him how you feel (without making him feel like he is total jerk). Make it about how much you love him and how good you think things may be able to be (not about what a worthless screw-up he has been). Now maybe he has been a worthless screw-up, but bringing that up will not help advance your cause which is to get him to get him to a doctor.
Remember, your goal cannot be to change him. It will not work. Your goal has to be to get him to a doctor. That may take an ultimatum. And not a screaming yelling slam-the-door "I'm Leaving" situation. I mean a very matter of fact discussion. "Honey, I really do love you, but I cannot live with you unless you get help". "I cannot stand watching what this does to you and I cannot stand what it is doing to me".
If he continues to refuse try to ask him why (again, getting angry will only make him defensive and will not help your cause). You do not have to put up with mistreatment. And you can be firm and stand your ground. But getting angry and expecting him to change if you yell enough will only produce the opposite effect.
Understand that for most people, if a spouse went ballistic and screamed about something, it would make such an impression that the other spouse would almost certainly modify their behavior. but many people with ADD simply cannot do it without help.
I hope this is of some help to you. I have lived this for quite a few years (as the ADD husband).
Chaz - Listen to Chaz she has hit the nail on the head.
How long have you been married?
Marriage is not about love, that is a fleeting thing. Marriage is about building a strong relationship over very testing situations. My husband and I dont like each other at the moment and tell each other so, but we know we love each other.
Falling in and out of love happens in a marriage, and if you leave him you may not be making your life any better. Every man has his problems, you just have to choose if you can live with these problems, and unless he is abusing you, the better or worse promise kind of says that you should try to live with and help him with his problems.
And he should go see a dr, and I think you also need to look at yourself and see if perhaps you are a little bossy. You seem to be a woman of strong character and sometimes this can rip the heart out of men, trust me I have ripped the heart out of many a man 
. Remember why you fell in love with him.
Marriage is not a perfect institution, far from it. And you will never discover the benefits of it if you dont stick to it. The hard times, make you a better person and teach you so much. The hard times may not make you richer, but they make your soul richer, but it can take years down the track, and reflecting back you will understand the positives of what you learnt from the here and now.
Regards
Rachael
I don't think you should give up yet, I know how dificult it can be, I am in the same boat as you, minus the children. I would try and write him a letter on how you feel, maybe give him an altematem. As far as making a guy friend and talking to him about this your problems w/ the hubby, well I can see how he can totally misunderstand that. How would you feel if he were to discuss his marital issues with a girl - friend. If you need support I think you should try and get it from your girl friends or family members. Don't go to a guy that nobody knows, that could turn out pretty nasty.
Good luck,
Sophie
I don't feel qualified to get into details, and this probably isn't the right place for that anyway. But, I'm sure there are many web-sites out there where you can get better advice from other women. Maybe start with this linkhttp://www.divorcemag.com/links/divorce.shtml
I'm sorry and I hope things, whatever they may be, turn out well for you.
Thanks for your replay "shin". I understand your concern and your point about the male friend, but i can promise you and my husband that there is zero sexual energy involved... i have a very strong and some what dominate personality and dont usually get alone well wiht women, all my life i have had far more male friends then female, its just the way it has always worked for me.
so let me ask, do you have add your self or does your spouse? do you have any advice as to how to handel all of this? have you been through this before? I didnt want this to happen to us and i really feel that i have done all that i could to make our mariage work but it is just way to far gone at this point. I have ask him to leave but he hasnt yet, and he keeps trying to make things seem like they are alright but there not. i dont know how to make this easyer, or to make him understand just where we really are. any help you can offer would be appreciated. take care and will be waiting to hear from you. shannon
I just cant take anymore of this! i cant deal with the broken promises, the distrust, or the basic bs anymore! We have been together for 9 very long hard years, I have been the one to support the 3 of us, take care of all the major problems and take care of all the domestic things on top of it all! I have no life and have never been more unhappy. He has used ADD as his crutch for years but will do nothing to help take care of it. He has never been to a doctor about it, so i cant even be sure that he really has this problem or if it is just empty excuses like eveythig else he trys to dish my way. I was sure that if he looked hard enough he could find a group or orginization to help us out with getting to a doctor, after all, he spends all day on the damn computer any way! why can the search for help?????? I know im ranting but i just cant go on any more!!!!!!!!! i love him, i always have but i just cant take anymore!!!!!!!! im only 30 yrs old, my life has been ALL FOR HIM since the day we met, everything has been about or for him, never me, or what i need, or what might be important to me. I have recently made friends with a guy that i talk with on the cell phone a good part of the day while im at work, i hadnt told my husband about him, nor will i give him details now that he has snooped through my privet things and found his number, this man has his on life and problem very similar to mine, we vent to each other and verbally console each other...END OF STORY!!!! my husband has been making my life more of a living hell than normal due to this, but knowing the way he is it would only mean more heart acke for my friend, so i keep the info to myself and thats how it will have to stay no matter what. he thinks that i am being unfaithfull but that couldnt be further from the truth. he says "i have the right to know everthing you do and everyone you talk to, im your husband" I dont agree...and if im wrong that so bee it, but i refuse to hurt a friend who has been there when i needed to talk just to comfort someone you seems to care so little for me and my needs... i like i said its always about him and what he needs... if anyone can relate of give me some true, tryed, tested help i will be forever greatfull...i wish all who read this the best of luck and happiness, take take! shannon ps, sorry about the spelling.....
[QUOTE=sunnydaize]my "new" husband is my best friend, i never had that before, we can and do talk about all of this, he is loving,caring and intelligent....i believe we were meant to be together, that i am able to cope with all this because of my personality, but most women would have left by now but i truly believe this is where i am supposed to be....and my husband is doing whatever it takes to help himself with medication,etc. and drinks alot less. I guess the financial problems are temporary and so i cannot throw away a good relationship because its not perfect, no relationship is. If he had not agreed to medication and if he refused to be honest to me about all this, no, i dont think i wouldve stayed and i certainly dont believe we should continue in a relationship that is ALL one-sided so everyone must decide that for themselves and i would certainly understand that some relationships must end![/QUOTE]
Hi sunny.I am38 adhd.I take adderall for the adhd.I too was self medicating and an alchoholic.My doc prescribed Wellbutrin 300mg.I take it ea morn and I dont drink any longer!!I drank every day for over 20 years and this stuff just takes the desire away!!Have him ask his doc about it!I'll bet he prescribes it.I quit smoking 6 years ago with Zyban which is also a form of Wellbutrin.The stuff just works wonders for me and alltho everyone is different I would think and hope it would help him too.Good luck and let me know what you all decide. Shane
Jenny,I guess I'm a little caught up in this topic, so pardon me for responding so much...
The two things you describe (blatant disregard for your welfare during a serious time, self centered, rage, lack of self control with the rage, alcohol abuse) could definitely be symptoms of ADHD...or symptoms of something else. <shrug> ?? He needs to get a formal diagnosis and he needs to have motivation to show up and participate. As Rae said in so many words (and I REALLY liked it), there is a difference between a "tryer" and and someone looking for an excuse.
Aside:
1. You're describing a real mean guy. If you had a friend who told you that she met and started dating a monster, what would you logically think? Would you care what his problems are, or would you be more interested in your friend's safety and emotional well being? What would you tell her to do? Probably the same thing as me or most anyone here..."DUMP HIS ASS!"
There is just no excuse for staying with a mean person. Can you imagine saying to your friend, "That sounds lovely. I hope he asks you to marry him and that you have a bunch of children"? Wouldn't you rather see your friend be alone and possibly meet a nice guy than stay with such a knuckledragger? I especially think this if children are involved and are at any risk for physical or emotional abuse.
2. How motivated is an abominable snowman to change when he has no real consequences? You can plead, manipulate, drop ultimatums, write letters, threaten, etc. till he finally kills you, but it's just a bunch of huffing and puffing and on some level he really knows it and is going to continue to take advantage of anyone who will tolerate him.
If it were me, I would tell him "Your behavior is unacceptable. You show me what concrete steps you have taken to prove that this is serious to you and that you are committed to change, and IF I'm still interested in you, I will consider returning." <BAM! The car door is slammed and I am gone.> And, yes, I have done this. And, yes, he got help. And, yes, he proposed to me (this was an issue). And, no I was not interested anymore--I went to college instead. And, yes he cried about it for years. And, no I am not sorry; I am just the opposite. And, no I don't wish him ill--I hope he got help and lived happily ever after. It's amazing how different you can feel after you get through the initial loneliness.
WARNING: Before you ever say something like that, be sure you are safe and have a place to go. This could really set a person like that off and who knows what they are capable of? Be smart.
I am thoroughly intolerant of meanness and most certainly physical disrespect of any kind...NO man (or woman) is worth it, no matter what their issue is. It will be to HIS benefit to seek help and get a handle on himself to KEEP you.
<<<hug>>> Got it?
bluebird3838288.8143634259
Yes bluebird thank you for the help with my problem. My husband did go to a doctor ..just this last week and that is when he got the lable of ADHD. I have put up with som much more then i have event shared here. But the part where you said when he got help you might not be interested..that is where i am now. I have been with my husband for 13 years, we have two boys together (one almost 10 and then the oldest is 11). They love their dad ..but they get very mad and angry at him a lot of times too.the children get their feelings hurt alot by him...with alot of promises that never see the lgiht of day. I am tring to push this divorce through but ..we are both living here in this house.
And if he gets mad well it is bad for the kids and i ..he isnt at all like me. When i get mad i stop talking and get quiet and stay away from people. He does the opposite. I want to move out I know it will be hard on my kids. My husband tells them if i divorce him..that the kids and i wont have any more. he tell the kdis we wont have cable tv, will live in an apartment or trailer, and wont afford to eat out any more. Now the kdis and I dont care where we live..that doeesnt matter..and i dont care about the cable (my husband loves his cable). But my husband has told me over and over he will quit his job if i divorce him and i wont get any money at all from him. He says he isnt going to work and make money if the kdis and i arent going to be around ..with him.
thank you for your reasponds ..I am going to try to see this through..i am very nervice I know he is a very jealous person too. Right now with the divorce going on i am worried for strangers ..at times if they speak to me for alittle longer then he might think they should.
((((Jenny))))) Glad I could be of any help. Here's some reinforcement...People who have power do not give it up easily.
Expect anything.
Don't let it scare or stop you; it's just noise.
Sounds like you're doing great--I'm impressed.
[QUOTE=Gma Bear]
My
friends who have ADD and directed me to this site, (because I wanted to
learn more) say that on their best day (before they got help and meds)
they could not have gotten past the first few pages with out getting
bored or distracted. Forget about remembering much of what they had
read.
To make a slight correction. It's not that people with ADHD can't concentrate, it's that it is inconsistent concentration. People with ADHD are perfectly able to hyperfocus on things that they are swept away with.
I am a poster child for this condition and I have read countless numbers of books from beginning to end and have a college degree (it was a struggle). I have read "Driven to Distraction" and "Answers to Distraction" and others from cover to cover. I didn't even have any knowledge about ADHD until my late 30s.
Also, ADHD is not completely all about focusing. From my reading, it is the best general label that they could come up with that seems to encompass many issues including: depression, anxiety, insomnia, impulse control, rage, forgetfulness, etc., etc.
[quote]
It is people like him and my ex who make it so difficult for folks with REAL medical problems like ADD to be treated in a respectful manner.
[/quote]The only person I see here not treating a potential ADHDer in a respectful manner is you. No disrespect intended.
I suppose we could all be faking it...at which point I would be tempted to exclaim "Get a Life!"
The husband again, Im sorry you think Ive just made all this up, Ive had the problems I have since I was a kid, was never diagnosed and heard all my life about "being lazy" and "get it together" must of heard those 10 million times, I read driven to distraction and finally understood the way I felt inside for the first time, at the end when I said "she left" maybe you took it as something else, but I meant she had just left minutes before I posted, think what you want, but for the first time I feel I can see things different and cope with this better, Im not looking for sympathy. It was my fault. Kinda sucks though because now she is at that point of not caring anymore, and Im finally learning to cope.
I love my wife with my whole being, and regardless if she is there or not, Im not going to let this "problem" be a problem anymore. I am determined to beat this.
Ok,
I have been reading and tring to talk to you all in here. Now i have a simple and direct question. Ihope you can answer this for me. I want to know if the things i am going to tell you could have all happened just becasue of my husband having ADHD..ok? I hope you guys can help me..figure this out. He has a awful temper,seems to be mad most of the time.If he isnt mad he couild get mad in a second for no reason at all. He will yell at me and the kids and he doesnt care if neighbors can hear or see him doing it. If when he is yelling and cursing at us..i try to tell him there are otehr people who can hear him he will say he doesnt care and seems to get madder (and he yells and curses more,this is when i take the kds and go in side,if he is yelling at the kids..if he is yelling at me i go inside out of the neighbors site so not to stand there looking like an idiot). I want to know with ADHD is this why he has such a bad temper? Is this why he hides beers around..(in garage,in his car trunk,underthing out in the garage,in his boat)? ICould having this ADHD be why he getws mad and breaks things here? Is this why ..he says he is going one place and then once the car tires hit the road he goes more places and runs around visiting people and going to the bar? He is saying this is what is wrong with him..but coulkd it be that simple?
I have more hehehe I am sorry i am taking so much of your nice peoples time..but i really want to know ..if he is ling to me.Having this ADHD could this make you self centered? For example i was in the hospital ( I am one of those girls who never get sick..never Honestly) and i had to get my apenedics out the moring after christmas this last year. the doctors said i was very lucky i had the infection all through out and if it had gotten into my blood stream they wouldnt have been able to save me. But they kept me in the hospital for five days when i got out the night beofre new years eve at 9pm at night (got to go home to my little boys). And new years eve night my second night home..i still wasnt breathing good ..my lungs haddent oupend all the way back up after the surgery (so it was a little scary for me ..not being able to get a deep breath). my husband went out and left me home with the kids..i told him i didnt feel well enough to take care of the kids ifd they got sick or somehting would happen. We had beers in the ice box, and shrimp ,and a cheese plate too for the ringing in the new year. but my husabdn left me home. I ask him several times to stay home with me and he woul dnt ..i told him i didnt feel well he said .I was fine and it was new years eve.and he was going out to his friedns for a party and gambling. I wasnt feeling well and i also felt very alone and not ever loved. I thought if he loved me he would have stayed with me i had him beers and good food to eat ..he could have watched movies and just been there with me. But my kdis were asleep (their only 9 and 11 the kids are). was him not caring enough to stay with me was that this ADHD?or was it just selfishnes? I thought wow look i never get sick but ..when i get old he isnt going to be there for me if i need him. I wouldnt have event thought of leaving him if he was just out of the hospital after being in there five days ..just as i was. I wouldnt had left him. I ask him at least 6 times or more to stay home with me please. There are more things that have happened in the tme we have been together but i just want to know what you all think.
I have been reading all these questions and suggestions. No one has mentioned one great possibility. No disrespect to those who have ADD. I have some friends who have it and I love and respect them very much. They all have made great effort to better themselves and be productive people both at home and work. Has it dawned on any one that this husband just might be faking? f This comes from my own past experience. I was married to a man who would rather put his time and energy into finding ways to sit on his butt and do nothing and collect SSI or any other handout he could get. There was nothing wrong with him except just plain lazy. Except for the things he enjoyed doing.Hunting, fishing,going to a bar and getting fall down drunk or helping one of his buddys work on something thus making himself look like a "good guy". (Oh ya he was abusive to me and our kids so of course we didn't dare tell anyone that he was just a no good lying rat.) He met someone who had ADD and the ex was off and running with it. He spent time with his new "friend" and learned as much as he could about it. He even was able to get written info on ADD so he could produce even more symptoms.Suddenly he "had" ADD. For a long time he would go around telling anyone who would listen that he had ADD. (boohoo,pityme its sooo sad to be so messed up and not able to work) He refused to go to a doctor to confirm his "illness" but tried to convince anyone he could possibly get money from that he was truly suffering. If he was told he HAD to be examined by a doctor to qualify for benefits he would meanmouth them and look for some other source to hoodwink. I firmly believe this husband is faking because he is enjoying taking advantage of his wife. His "she left" comment sounds like it is backed by too much practice in the looking for pity department! He should shut up get out and get a life and let his wife find out what living is about. Now that I have probably made a lot of good folks angry. How about it "Wife" is he able to do the things he enjoys with no problem??? I would bet money he is quite capable of doing any thing he wants to do.What a shocking turn of events! Ini response to GMA Bear...Sounds like your husband was a bonafide jerk. I hope you left him as soon as he displayed unacceptable behavior, because that is your responsibility to yourself and your children.
As far as him "faking" ADHD, well that is "his" problem. Obviously, he does have a problem of some kind, but faking ADHD is not going to help him get to the root of his problems in order to solve them.
Some people, and I know many, know there is a problem...they just don't know what it is. Maybe they even misdiagnose themselves. They are in the middle of it and can't see the forest through for the trees; they really can't see outside themselves. It is fairly complex thinking to think outside of yourself.
I truly feel sorry for people like you have described GMA Bear for not having exposure possibly to healthier knowledge OR if exposed, have no vision to grasp and utilize the resources around them, OR no self control OR lack whatever it takes to identify and properly address their issues. They really don't know what they're missing.
Being involved with someone like you describe is truly heartbreaking, especially if you REALLY care and cannot make a difference with them. Been there, and it felt like a waste of a human and as though someone had died.
I have personally found that loving them from a distance is about the best option. I think the hating and resentment part comes when a person has allowed those kind of people to do too much damage in their life, and maybe the loathing is more aptly directed at themselves for allowing that to happen--which you will probably need to come to peace with. I don't mean just you, GMABear...we all do. I'm struggling with this very thing right now myself. :o(
Does that seem helpful or logical?
:o)
bluebird3838288.4708796296
bluebird 38;
My ex did have a lot of mental problems but ADD was NOT one of them. After reading what "husband" had to say on 10/27 I can't help but feel that he is faking. I have seen the book Driven to Distraction (300+ pages) and have read a few of the case studies in it. My friends who have ADD and directed me to this site, (because I wanted to learn more) say that on their best day (before they got help and meds) they could not have gotten past the first few pages with out getting bored or distracted. Forget about remembering much of what they had read. Totally understanding it was to come much later.The husbands use of "get it together" is in The beginning of that book. A lot of which can be read online. Was he looking for symptoms like my ex did? HHuuummm gotta wonder. I am waiting to hear from the wife about his ability to concentrate on things he likes to do that don't involve a "job". I have always trusted my gut feeling and this time it tells me that this guy is not the real deal. It is people like him and my ex who make it so difficult for folks with REAL medical problems like ADD to be treated in a respectful manner. HOW ABOUT IT WIFE,,,,,,CAN HE DO THINGS HE LIKES WITH OUT GETTING DISTRACTED????
Hi everyone, Im the husband. I found out about adhd about 2 years ago, didnt really study to much on it, recently I found out about "Driven to Distraction" and bought it, read it, totally understood it, and it opened my eyes to the full extent of my problem. I want to get to a doc to get a formal diagnosis but because I havent held a job I have no insurance and no cash, so I bought some "Attend" last week onlne. I have always been for getting help, at least since I learned so much about it. To my wife, we all sound like a bunch of whiners and hasnt taken any of this advice seriously, I should just "get it together". I can understand that, but I think she is/was having an affair, she has no inclination to learn about adhd, or hear about it from anyone.
The phone conversations to this secret man of hers has been around 80 hours this month straight phone time. It seemed to me also that she was looking for a way out, no problem, I was tired of hearing the lies. Tonight she left.
Steve
Well basically it is about choices. You choose to marry an ADHD person for better or worse, than you made your choice and should see it through up and until it may become completely unworkable - just like any relationship.
But if you cant stand it no more, and you feel you can give no more - get out and get on with your life. It is pretty simple really. I think a partner of an ADHD person needs a great amount of maturity behind them to cope.
I hope my son does not marry until his 30's because I dont think ADHDers do too well through their 20's (but just my opinion) in relationships
Hmm...I liked what Chaz had to say and I'll add something that may be worth considering.Defending a person of the opposite sex outside of marriage as a "friend" or crucial confidante is exactly something that an ADHD person might do.
It is something that might be a "fix" of some kind for an ADHDer like me. There are lots of ways to euphamize and justify this kind of relationship, and there are times I would be motivated to emphatically "spin" it another way to myself and others.
But ultimately I would have to admit that if I truly wanted support and help, I would go to a family member or a therapist...not someone who would fan the flames in my relationship.
<shrug>
bluebird3838287.5789814815
You said you are the person in the relationship who has ADHD? MAybe that is why you dont understand how it feels to be on the otehr side of it all.
I mean..i read what you said in reply to my message and..i just think you havent been in the situation yet is all. I think a therapist can help some sure i guess..i have tried a few therapist with my husbvabd years ago..and they all told him he was an alcoholic.. this was a doctor though. and my husband said they were Quacks and we never went back to them. They were an ear to talk to but some times its better to tlak to soemone who has really gone through it in rela life and ..not just read about how it can be to live with someone with it.
And therapist charge and arent there at all hours of the day,when maybe i felt the need to talk to ...or heaven forbid it could be the weekend . What is wrong with friends? I think your just not going to understand what it is like ..becasue you havent had to be on this side of it. I know its hard to unerstand how we would handle things ..we might think we know but when it happeneds me usually would handdle things differnty then we had thought. I am going through this same thing ...right now. And i can totally under stand the feelings involved in it. There is alot on our shoulders..we not only have our husbands but have to worry about the kids..and we need support and , I think it is great she found someone how can understand and go through this rough time with her emotionally.
[QUOTE=jenny02]You said you are the person in the relationship who has ADHD? MAybe that is why you dont understand how it feels to be on the otehr side of it all.
I mean..i read what you said in reply to my message and..i just think you havent been in the situation yet is all. I think a therapist can help some sure i guess..i have tried a few therapist with my husbvabd years ago..and they all told him he was an alcoholic.. this was a doctor though. and my husband said they were Quacks and we never went back to them. They were an ear to talk to but some times its better to tlak to soemone who has really gone through it in rela life and ..not just read about how it can be to live with someone with it.
And therapist charge and arent there at all hours of the day,when maybe i felt the need to talk to ...or heaven forbid it could be the weekend . What is wrong with friends? I think your just not going to understand what it is like ..becasue you havent had to be on this side of it. I know its hard to unerstand how we would handle things ..we might think we know but when it happeneds me usually would handdle things differnty then we had thought. I am going through this same thing ...right now. And i can totally under stand the feelings involved in it. There is alot on our shoulders..we not only have our husbands but have to worry about the kids..and we need support and , I think it is great she found someone how can understand and go through this rough time with her emotionally.
[/QUOTE]Umm...ok(?) <grimace~wince> I'm not only ADHD but also old enough to have also been around the block a few times. Personally, I constantly make conscious (often painful) efforts to avoid making easy/delusional choices to avoid inevitable crash and burns. This involves examining my motives and figuring out ways to control myself when I'm not really in the mood to do so.
As a parent says, "You're not hurting me, you're only hurting (fooling) yourself." Take the wisdom or chuck it--either way, I still plan on riding my horses tomorrow.
Here's a question: Even if she doesn't have intentions toward him, how many guys do you know that will invest a whole bunch 'o emotional time into a woman without developing a fantasy, hopes, and/or expectations? Hint: Even the most homosexual male who never sees the woman outside of a workplace setting will get somewhat invested and start to put pressure on the Lassie -- if for nothing more than to be his best friend.
Is he really interested in seeing her work it out with her husband?
Care to make a wager?
It just doesn't sound like a healthy way to repair a marriage to me. My rule is to work on the marriage first and foremost with your husband and probably a qualified therapist. If that fails, go for the divorce and then shore up all the "friends" you can find to comfort yourself. If she has a problem sustaining friendships with women, then maybe that is an issue that she needs to work on also. It all has a suspicious odor, IMO.
She did say that her husband had a problem with this relationship. By definition then, this extra marital relationship is an issue. Logically then, I think the "X" factor (the guy) should be isolated so that they can get to the core of their issues. That is, they need to remove him from the equation for now to see what their core problem really is; because her friendship is not helping their relationship as it sounds like it is causing anxiety for her husband .
If she wants to leave him because she can't stand his ADHD behaviors, then that's understandable. But, if it were me, I would cut the ties with the guy so that I know that I'm not being subtly influenced and really sorry in a few years when the "friend" is no longer around and I have to wonder whether it was really my decision or if I was being influenced. It sounds to me like the extra guy is just muddying the waters.
Maybe I have hit a nerve? Or maybe this struck one of mine. Or, maybe (most obviously) I'm procrastinating my work.
Actually, what you have just witnessed, folks, is an ADHD rant sponsored by Adderall. Ugh. Ok, back to work.
bluebird3838288.683900463
Marriage is not an easy task it is not unconditional, i mean if you dont try everyday to love that person and not let stupid stuff like the dishes in sink bother you to suck a point that you hate the other so bad..than it wont work. Marriage is the hardest job besides raising children...it is like a sister or brother growing up in the same room but the differance is a sibling is unconditional love and takes little effort to forgive and forget...
If onthy one person in the marriage is trying 200% and the other only trying 10% than it is bound to fail..it is a business partnership where once someone wants out it is hard to convince them to stay.
I have ADD & it was definitely instrumental in ending my marriage. I would say it is of the utmost importance that your husband gets diagnosed & treated. There is a very good chance that he also has one of the disorders associated with ADD like depression. That has to be the number one topic of conversation. Why he is not seeking medical opinion/assistance??Next, he has to be able to help you with something. My husband was better at everything than me. His attitude made me not want to do anything while he was around to avoid the criticism. I really resented "Mr. Perfect". There was no way I could live up to his standards. And,he resented me for not contributing much. He so made me feel like a burden & bother. But he did take care of a lot. So much so that once I was on my own I was totally unequipped. Has your husband ever fended for himself? What would he do if you left?
I do believe that this falls under the "in sickness as in health" banner. Would you leave him if he had cancer? Would you accept his decision to not seek medical treatment if he thought he had cancer? He needs to be made responsible for his own health. He needs to take on responsibilities. His self-esteem must be very poor. Be supportive of him & help him do his best. Let him do tasks in his own manner, but make sure he does them. A marriage is a partnership of equals. Does yours seem more like a parent/child relationship? Don't penalize him for having a mental illness, but don't penalize yourself either. I read your message about you going to leave your husband. I know this is hard on you. I am sorta going through the same thing...I feel guilty for wanting to feel happy. I also havent felt happy in a long time. I never noticed that it was so visible before until i took a look at pictures taken of us ..I looked so mean and unhappy ..in the photos with my husband. Then a second later in anotehr photo of me with my brothers and sisters I look happy and cute..I said somehting to one of my sisters and she told me she could have told me that alongh time ago. That everyone knew i wasnt happy. I knew i wasnt happy i just thought things would get better but it hasnt. And my kids have gotten hurt alot ..he thinks most of the time of only what he wants or what will make him happy. he doesnt worry about making the kids happy. I want to find the boys a man who would enjoy being with us..and wants to have fun and will enjoy fishing with the boys and me..and taking walks down town in the nice weatehr,or just watching movies at night with us. My husband would ratehr be at the abr or any where else but with us. and if he is with us he isnt happy he is grouchy .
I thought about what some of the other people said when they had replied to your posting. I really feel the people who responded to your message were very mean ..and dont seem to beable to understand what your going through. I know what your tlaking about with the moods,and treatment your husband does toward you. At least i think I do if it is anyhitng like how my husband does me. He has ADHD too and ..he drinks to much..and mood swings,temper is awful!
I dont think it bad at all you fininding someone who also is going through the same thing as you..It helps you feel like your not alone. And that its not you who is the problem. I think talking to a man is fine..and so what if it is a man i think that just proves that its not just how a man might think ..on why your husband is actting like he is. And I think just becasue you are missing things in your marriage and are unhappy ..that doesnt mean your looking for sex geezzz...(some peoples nerve to say that to you).This is one of the things I read and though ..they just dont understand how it is to live with someone like my husband..i think we need to feel a closnes with someone who seems to understand what we are going through and can be there for us to think and tlak things out. I think it probley is better you bounce things off a man then a woman then ..you know it isnt just how women think or its not that we arent able to understand how a man feels . see we tlaking to men can see and hear both sides of the fence. Why should you have to put up with what you have been? I mean we all only live once..if you stay like that and are unhappy ..then you will have waisted your life away (and can never get it back)on just being under your husbands feet..if he doesnt care enough to keep trying to fix what is a prooblem area between you two then ..neither should you). It does take two to make a relationship work. I have put up with so much too..and my kids have gone through so much..I some times think I hate him (my husband) other times i think maybe he can change. Its been 13 years...it hasnt changed..I just have lost 13 years and i am getting older and still he is as selfish as always..and moody,and has a awful temper (breaks things and slams things,and curses at me and the kids). I also want out and to get away from him. he keeps stopping the divorce and telling the attornys we are working things out, but he is just actting to get me to stay and then will just go back to who he really is. I have to get away from him to ever be happy again,just being here in this house with him..i am nerves and feel like i am walking on glass when ever he is home.
[QUOTE=bluebird38]
To make a slight correction. It's not that people with ADHD can't concentrate, it's that it is inconsistent concentration. People with ADHD are perfectly able to hyperfocus on things that they are swept away with.
[/QUOTE]
Hey how many nights have I spent all night on this damn forum hyperfocussing and not achieveing much else for a period of days. I know this is a problem and I dont want it. But I find it interesting and become obsessed with it.
thanks for the info marco...my husband has also been diagnosed as bi-polar and anti-depressants seem to work the opposite on them...he tried paxil for awhile and it did seem to make things worse...right now he is doing well on the seroquel,ritalin and some other "natural" substances and only drinks a couple days a week which i can live with considering he was drinking every day when we met.
jenny: i think you are doing the right thing, if not for yourself, do it for the kids! they are going to be harmed more emotionally if u stay and allow them to be abused, and they will learn that no human being deserves to be treated that way and will have more respect for you and themselves if u get them out of this horrible situation. I know u can find the strength, the person u are describing is not just "ADD" they sound just plain evil! Trust your instincts and everything will be ok, you will survive and actually have a chance at a happy life !!
People with ADHD have their share of problems but having the disorder isn't an excuse for being an ASS.
I don't know if your husband has ADHD but he definately sounds like an ASS to me. He also doesn't sound to bright either from the statement below.
[quote]My husband tells them if i divorce him..that the kids and i wont have any more. he tell the kdis we wont have cable tv, will live in an apartment or trailer, and wont afford to eat out any more. Now the kdis and I dont care where we live..that doeesnt matter..and i dont care about the cable (my husband loves his cable).[/quote]
Having cable TV and extra money to go out on the town with is the absolute last thing that kids care about when their parents split. He needs to grow up and act like a father not a cranky little boy.
Good luck
Oh and P.S. my dad left us when I was 4 and he told my mother she would never have money or amount to anything. We struggled the first few years but after awhile she found a great job and wound up making more then him and his new wife combined.
I'll never forget his face when the company limo pulled into our driveway to bring my mom to the airport. She was leaving for a business trip and he was watching us for the day and then going to drop us off at our grandparents that night. She came out to say goodbye to us and looked great all dressed up for work. He saw how good she looked, the limo and the two business men that got out of the limo to greet her and was absolutely shocked. All afternoon he kept asking questions about what her job was and would say things like "I guess you mother is pretty important in that company".
It was hysterical and my mother loved the story even more when we told her how he acted the rest of the afternoon.
This may sound strange but so much of what I have read reminds me of my ex. The shouting. The beer. The lack of concern during illness. The threat to quit his job and leave me & the kids doing without. The feeling of having to walk on egg shells around him. My husband was all those things & more. It was all about control & power & wanting to be the center of attention. But my husband does not have ADD. (He had himself tested after we separated in the hope that he could use it against me in court.)I do have ADD & so do my three adult sons. None of us carry on like that. I cannot see labelling those behaviors as ADHD. My sons & I all have the depression, too, & maybe that makes some difference. Still, I do not think there is any excuse for acting that way towards people you are supposed to care about. These men are being abusive & no one deserves to be treated that way. Don't raise your kids in that type of atmosphere. I stayed & put up with it until he started physically abusing my sons. I regret I didn't leave sooner.