Please give me advice on my 4 1/2 yo who | ADHD Information

Thank you for the encouragement. It means the world to me. I have made a concious effort, since he was 3...to let hi know I am on his side. Let him know I love him and praise him when I remember to. I was hoping for years, I suppose that would be enough. But since there's still a parent in the house continuing this cycle of abuse...my change is not enough. I want to save their relationship with each other. I want to save my marriage as well. I am praying this will have a positive effect not only on David; but with my husband, thus my marriage. But at this point, that is up to my husband and how he responds when the state intervienes or when I remove the kids or force Teddy to leave (if the state doesn't feel the need-but I don't see them taking that approach).

I am very scared and unsure what to do, since my MIL knows something's wrong and wants to know what's going on. But because they didn't accept what was happening to my husband as a child, and my MIL has tried to get my husband to divorce me and take the kids legally from me in the past (She assumed things about me that weren't true)...I don't want to tell her anything. But I feel guilt because her and I reconciled later and have become close since then. But I can't fully trust her, especially in this situation.

My husband had a alot of emotional and physical abuse as a child. It was never acknowledged, treated or corrected. I too was phsyically & emotionally abused as a child.

When David was about 2...is when the cycle seemed to start again, in my own family. Teddy and I were both being aggressive with David. Never encouraging. Never had anything good to say to him. He was not consoled as a small child should be, when he cried. And to keep things "under control" we started putting him in his room, whenever he would get into trouble or when we were too angry to deal with him correctly. But it ended up being a curse, that we started that.

I realized when he was about 3...what was really going on and I called my mother (we were in Germany at the time) and asked her to come fly both kids back to the states with them...to get them (especially David) out of that abusive environment. I had my youngest child a week or so later. Did a lot of soul searching, and went to counseling. My husband wouldn't go and wouldn't even admit there was a problem. So his mindest was still the same. I flew back to the states fall of 2004...as my husband was preparing to MedBoard out of the Army.

The absence of the kids and the counseling during that time helped. I was able to keep my cool much better. But mainly my whole appraoch, view point had changed. No matter how mad I got, from then on...I would not result to physical abuse or locking him in his room for hours. If I needed a break, I had my mother down the street, now.

My husband came home, from the Army the following spring of 2005. Things were no different, between him and David. And infact, they got worse. Maybe becuase my husband was dealing with looking for a new job. We were readjusting again, after a period of geographical seperation.

My husband's aggressiveness (home or public) , total lack of affection & praise & hours of having David locked in his room continued. For years. I would go through periods where I would fight, yell, scream, threaten my husband concerning this issue. Then I would go through periods of depression, exaughstion from fighting about it day in and day out.

After a while I just started trying to "save face" without really realizing it. Not wanting people to think my husband was a bad man. Not wanting people to find out how I had been, at one time with mys on (I will never forgive myself). I felt if I did say anything to anyone about this, and try and get David away from my husband and force my husband to get help as well...my failures in the recent past would be brought up and become to focus/target.

But then, David started Kindergarten this past August. He did horribly. I pulled him out. Then tried to put him in a new school in a new district this month, and it was even worse. He even hit the principal and was then expelled.

We had a meeting, and they were very compassionate towards me. And did not treat me like a bad parent or David like a bad child. And gave us some advice. We immediately took him to the MHMR center in town and spoke with a social worker. To try and get David evaluated for ADHD and other possible learning or emotional disorders...then assign him a therapist, for counseling and possibly a doctor for medication.

But then, this weekend...as I was heavily thinking about David, his life so far, everything that I could possibly think of that could have contributed to his probelms: extreme lack of focus, difficulty coping with change, with his emotions, overwhelmed easily, VERY hard on himself, VERY low self esteem, and then the violent-out of control behavior that baffles us all.

I have done a ton of praying since my last post on this thread. And (if some of you are offended by this, I sincerely don't mean to) The Holy Spirit brought some major things back to the forefront of my mind.

All of this that has happened in my son's past and is still continuing, and my husband's denial that he has a problem, that he is abusing David emotionally and physically...(I have exaughsted all my resources I have on my own)...was made crystal clear once again. And I realized that David's problems could be much more about this than his ADHD. Or maybe his ADHD symptoms that presented themselves early could have been the spark for all the mistreatment he suffered since then. But one thing I have finally come to terms with (much to the tanks of this forum) is that I am his only advocate at this point. I allowed this to go on for too long. And it has damaged David now, to where he can't look people in the eyes, he stutters, he is overly agressive (I can't leave him alone with his own sibligs now), he hits family & strangers or anyone of authority (except his Dad because of the fear) and he cannot learn at school because he is so disruptive and out of control, resulting in him being kicked out of school. So it has now affected pretty much every part of his life and I pray that it has not damaged his little mind and spirit, permanently.

I am saying all of this...I guess...to get it off my chest...but also...to speak up for those that still cannot...for their children's sake....really examine your child's life and life experiences...before getting too far down that ADD/ADHD road, especially with medication. I would hate to think how David would be years to come, if I hadn't finally took a stand for my son (no more saving face for me or my husband)...and he had been medicated...covering up all those years of abuse...and never getting the right help he truly needed.

David could possibly be ADHD. I don't know for certain, yet. He is scheduled to go back to the MHMR center on the 30th of this month. After that appointment, then they will hopefully assign a therapist; where I can lay it all out and get David the help he needs and hopefully force my husband too as well-since nothing I have done over the years is taken seriously by him).

Prayers are greatly appreciated as this is terrifying to me; because there's a big possibility I could lose my marriage. But infidelity and abuse I think void the whole marriage 1st, children second thing. But it doesn't make it any easier for me. Especially since I am not telling my husband anything to keep some sense of peace and control at home...as long as i can.

But my biggest prayer is that by me posting this...someone else will reexamine their life, their home and their environment with their child...and svae them from more possible danger.

to you!! I really hope that the therapy is the solution to your son's problems, he is still quite young and hopefully the intervention will be soon enough to turn him around with time and love.

I have always contended that many times ADHD is misdiagnosed and maybe the behaviors/symptoms could be the result of misguided parenting. That is part of the reason that the ADHD diagnosis has gotten such a bad rap, people tend then to believe that EVERY diagnosis of ADHD is a "bad" one.

By all means, get your baby the therapy he needs to feel comfortable in his little life right now...there is plenty of time for meds later if it is determined that ADHD is in fact a condition that he has....

Good luck to you and your family, and don't forget to take care of yourself as well...a healthy. happy mommy is the most important thing in a little ones life!

Your post broke my heart tnemcdowel

Please give your son tons of hugs and kisses when he gets home from school! His self esteem needs to be brought back after verbal and you mention physical abuse. From what you descibe, your son is acting out due to what is happening at home, and possibly ADHD, which he has NO control over. He inherited this genetically, possibly from your husband and or yourself. Unfortunately, things are being taken out on him and he CANNOT control impulsive behaviour.

I would also mention he is probably depressed. He has no safe place to go for comfort and again you mention you never consoled him when he was younger so that has him even MORE insecure. I think if you start as soon as he gets home from school today, that you can change you son's self esteem, please start.

Please let us know what happens at his doctors appointment. I also think your is huabnd is depressed and taking it out on his family, even his little boy

Please protect your son, he is still quite young. I don't think I could stay with my husband if he did that to either of our children. The cycle of abuse needs to stop.

Let us know how the appointment goes on the 30th and if we can be of any help with our experiences. Also, we can talk about medications, lots of experience on these boards.

Sending a bid hug to you for having the courage for posting

This sounds too familiar! My son is 5 and we are having the same problems. When he goes outside to play, he is the one who always does something bad. He fights w/the kids and some parents (most of the parents) look down at him and dont want thier kids playing w/him. He curses and just simply acts BAD!! People must think we are bad parents but we do discipline!! I feel bad for him but I understand where they are coming from. His older brother is 10 and had ADHD, OCC and BI-POLAR. Needles to say my 5yr old has witnessed alot of bad behavior. I dont know if he has any of these or if he is just acting out. He is VERY hyper and never stops talking!!!!! He is also like this in school (pre-k). He is having so much trouble just writting his name, he writes it backwards. I am praying that this is only a phase and we dont have to go through this all over again, we are so scared!!!! What is your sons diagnosis? I am asking because it may be more than just ADHD. Also I agree with play therapy and you cannot keep your son away from playgrounds forever. I would also set aside play time with your son and do some play therapy and show him how to socialize better by example. I do this with my girl all the time. When at a playground try to pull your son aside to talk to him about what he is doing and how to better communicate with others on his level of course. It will seem like it is not working but trust me something will stick and everytime you do it with him he will pick up more and more. I hope this works for you. Jill

Meli, I am so interested in what you know about fish oil, amino acids and magnesium. My son is 4 1/2 and out of control. Today had to be one of the worst days ever and I was leaning towards putting him on meds until I read your message. He has been kicked out of 2 preschools and is now on a IEP through the school district and all they ever say is that he needs to be put on meds. I understand that he is out of control but the side effects scare me and he is only 4 1/2 isn't that kind of young to medicate? How did you find a well trained chiropractor? I need help any help you could offer. Any help anyone could offer.

Sherri

[QUOTE=meli]Elle, My son is 8yrs old and listining to your post takes me back to when he was 4 years old. Iwas a pretty young mother, I'm now 26yrs old. we have strugglegld through school for the last 3 years with natural attemps with minimal results. but I think we (me and my husband) were at minimal understanding with being so young. we had went to a homiopatic doctor for a year with minimal results last year then we tried concerta and adderall. while the meds worked there were horrible side effects. He couldn't fall alseep at night, he would hardly eat witch caused a 6 lb weight loss, (witch was unacceptable he is short, and small to begin with.) he had headaches and dizzyness, his neck started to spasam, when the meds wore off his behaviors were worse to deal with at home, homework was impossible!, also he has to go to therepy for his neck now ! Ouch Not to mention we switched to the adderall because the concerta just stopped working after 6 weeks! Also he went up to max dosage with both meds and the next one they wanted to try was cylert which could cause liver dammage ,so they would have totest his liver every 2 to 3 weeks by drawing blood. We decided the side effects out weighed the positives at school. they were also telling me that it was starting to wear off in the early after noon. so we decided that was it for the drugs. So now were back at square one again. we are noew trying amino acids and fish oils. Its been 2 days and so far nothing! I've been researching Magnesium on the wed and It says it has calminig effect for hyperness in just minutes with a powder suplement. They say the dosage can't exceed 200mg. but I'll keep you posted on any results we get with the amino acids. By the way there are being moniterd by a well trained chiropractor. I can get you any info on this If you like. Hang in there, There's hope out there! I'll be praying for you![/QUOTE]

I am just wondering if you have tried going to a psychopharmacologist to assist with medications. My son is 9 and is on 72mgs of concerta along with guanfacine. There is no max. dosage for concerta. Which ever level the person is the most successful at is the correct dosage. I just wonder if your son could have gone up in the dosage with concerta. My son had a horrible time with adderall so I can not speak for that med, but concerta works wonderfully for my son.

I just want your son to find the right med, which ever it is. It is so hard until then, but when it happens what a difference! All the way from socialization to report cards. It does exist, it just takes time and a lot of trial and error. How horrible about the spasms! That is so horrible to be so little and having to go through this. See if your pedicatrician can refer you to a psychopharmacologist!

Regards!

Beth

Hi everyone

I'm new to the forums and my son is 4 and recently diagnoised with ADHD and ODD. I have a hard day, most days with him. I am having the biggest problem with potty training and him fighting with me and my husband, other family members and of course kids at daycare. Like I said I'm new to this whole thing. He is a only child and I dont know where to begin with him. If anyone can help me and give me some advice about anything pertaining to ADHD, I would absolutly love it.

Amanda

Hi Amanda

I don't know if they way I potty trained my son is the right way but it worked for me. My son is also diagnosed ADHD. I think he was about 2 1/2 and had a very bad rash. I told him the diapers are what is making him have the rash and we can't have them anymore. I threw all the diapers away and that was that. He had a few accidents but got the whole potty thing really quick. No pull ups no night time diapers. He had a hard time with night time for about 2 weeks and was fine after that. I never got mad when he had an accident we would just clean it up and start again.

On a different subject I just found out from another member about the 123 magic book for dicipline. I bought it today and read the whole thing it makes a lot of sense and I am going to start the program tomorrow.

Sherri

Sherri,

I have tried that too. I seem to have tried everything. I am so exhausted with the whole process. I don't know what to do about it anymore.

Amanda

runningmommy

Maybe it is time to just take a break from the potty training and work on the other behaviors first. Maybe if the fighting is brought under control, then he will be more apt to want to potty train.

What kind of doctor diagnosed him? Is he receiving any treatment for the ADHD/ODD? If this is a recent diagnosis, it may be better for everyone to just sit back, take a deep breath, and allow some time for the therapy/meds (if any) to begin to work on the defiant/oppositional behaviors, and then reinstitute the potty training.

Do you have a grandparent or a (very good) friend that would be willing to take him for a day or two to do the potty training? Sometimes all it takes is someone that is not so emotionally involved, or that is just more experienced....My 2 grand daughters would not potty train for their mommy, but did wonderfully for me. I am not sure if I have the touch, or if they could just sense that I was calm and confident that they would be successful, so they were calm, and got it. Even though their mom had been trying to train the oldest for months and she was older than 3....the younger one I took sooner...her mom had been trying for only 2 days with no success, but she did the deed for me in less than 5 hours...she still has accidents, but she is only 2, so time will solve that. It must be added that while I was training my own 4, I pulled my hair out too....so I am not sure when I got "good" at it!

Please believe that things will get better...you have taken the first step and he has been diagnosed. Keep us posted as to his progress and welcome to the board!

Hi Bethann! Thank you for the welcome!

He doesn't currently have a doctor and is not covered. We made too much to continue with Medicaid last I checked.

My delima at the moment is...my husband is atimate that we wait until February 1st to act on anything. He has been involved as far as knowing all that my son has been through and done since the symptoms started, before he was even 2! But he refuses to let me schedule an appointment with anyone, anywhere, yet. Doctors, psychologists, principal, even the teacher.

I already have a sample letter I want to edit and give to his teacher and all his aids and teachers in other classrooms....to avoid the labeling...while my husband procrastinates. But I know he will not be happy with me if I do this. I want to hand this letter to the teacher in person, 1st thing tomorrow.

I guess I will pray about it while I look at getting the kids on CHIPS tomorrow.

I would prefer not to get the school too involved, as far as requesting too much from them. Trying to avoid any uneccessary labeling of David or I. That's if I can deal soley with his teacher and find a psychiatrist privately and get him stablized on medication, soon.

I found something online that is a herbal remedy for ADHD. And have ordered it. It should be here within 1 business week.

In the mean time, I think I will try giving him small doses of Ginko Globa (sp) for his lack of focus and Calms Forte for his anger...and see how he does.

I gave him Calms Forte yesterday morning, and they said he wasn't hitting anymore. So, it seems to be helping his anger. But that he still did no work and still isn't paying attention or listening to the teacher or aids.

Will keep you informed!

You mention the husband, I had the same problem. My husband was the one against the meds. in the first place. They say ADHD is genetic. My husbands brother, both his sons, his sister, his father, all have it and are on medication. My husband having it and probably having sufferred himself, you would think would be the first one wanting to help, but it was the opposite. I felt so bad for my son I wanted to do anything to help him. My husband had me wait, he was in denial. Eventually, he came around. Now, it is my husband giving him the medicine first thing in the morning because he realizes how much it really helps our son.

Talk to your husband about getting help for your son ASAP and not having your son suffer any longer! MY husband also feels bad about our son waiting for us to get him help!!

Regards!

HI Erin, Welcome! There are lots of us here with the same stuff going on with our children. I would definetly get your son evaluated to that you can help him with the correct medication at the correct dosage for the correct diagnosis.

I had a son who was diagnosed before he was 5 and was labeled at school because we didn't use medication until he was in 1st grade. I regrett it horribley, I feel very guilty for the pain he sufferred unnecessarily

Once we started med, his life changed for the better. It took 6 months to find the right med and right dosage, but boy what a difference for him and his life!

I would talk to your pediatrician about an evaluation, as well as school to look into an IEP or 504 since he is at public school. This will protect him and will allow him certain classroom conditions, like sitting up front, on the end, etc. also any services that he may qualify, like OT, etc. to help him learn. You need to put in WRITING to the school that you want them to perform a complete evaluation on your son. Do that ASAP - call the special education dept. first thing in the morning! This department will help you, it's the law as well as their job! Stay on them and document even what time you call the department and your son's school!

Post any questions and keep us posted!

Regards,

Beth

My son is 5, and has started kindergarten in 2 different publkic schools, in 2 different counties...because of his extreme ADHD symptoms. He was diagnosed at the age of 4. But we didn't persue anything until now, because of the problems with school. I wish we had done something to help him sooner. Because those "attitudes" by the staff are follwoing us everytime now. :0( Mys on has no firends, either. It is so depressing. Especially since I never have any company because of hsi behaviour problems. We take him to McDonald's every week...to force kids (LOL) to interact with him. Most days kids will play with him (half of them seem to be hyper as well LOL) but never without at least one push, inappropriate comment, etc. I just this morning (since my husband refuses to do anything for David for another 2 weeks-let's wait and see routine)...I just started giving David Calms Forte. He was having violent outbursts and an ugly attitude at school. It seems toi be helping him not hit the staff or kids now. PTL! BUT it is not doing anything for his focus or motivation to work. He has been at this new school for 3 days and has done no work at all. Anyway, you might consider testing him on a small dose of Calms Forte (found over the counter)...and see what happens. It will not fiz=x everything, most likely...but may help him keep his cool better.

Oh, Meli...have you tried Melatonin...the over the counter type for him at bedtime? My son never took naps, even as a toddler. It was sooo difficult for me. I was exaughsted all the time. I started giving him small doses of Melaltonin about 10-20 minutes before I wanted him to nap or go to bed. It has helped. It still works, years later.

Sometimes, (since he has no doc or medication right now) when he is with me (not at school) and totally out of control, hitting, screaming, saying very ugly things (and he is 5 now)...I will give him a little more of a dose of it...and he clams down quickly.

Just something to look into. Oh, I also tried Valerian too. But the big green pills, David refused to take, even if broken in half. They smelled bad too, now that I think of it. :P

Erin

[QUOTE=runningmommy]

Hi everyone

Amanda

Hi Amanda, I had the same problem with my son, I literally had to force him to train! I got through it and he never had an accident! He was embarrassed wearing underpants, it was funny. But by the time kindergarten started, he was ready. I put my foot down in the spring of his last year of preschool. I used to let him have bowel movements in his pull-up, but the last day of preschool, that ended. He was fine, I just had to put my foot down. I also thought it could be due to sensory issues, but I think he didn't want to budge!

All I have to say, is been there, done that, you both will survive, however, put your foot down and maybe he'll come round!

Regards,

Beth

Thank you to everyone who replied. Sorry it has taken me a day or two to get back to you all, but im in the middle of all the ice storms. I live in Missouri and the weather has knocked out power for days along with my internet.

As for the reply on potty training; I have tried all of the suggestions. I have been trying to potty train since he was about 2-2 1/2 off and on. When I am trying with him it is consistant, but he and I both just get more stressed.

The doctor that diagnosed him was a Pediatric Neuorpsyhcologist. That our doctor refered us to. We havent started any therapy yet, we just got the report a few days ago.

Also it would be great if you would keep me informed about the other alternatives you all are trying.

Thanks

Amanda

to: Jillee. Why do you ask for he dx? this behaviour is th hallmark of an adhd child and you will see from above posts confirming this.

What else could you be referring to? I've been to four specialists.

I think Jillette is asking if there is an official diagnosis of ADHD (and which form; primary innattentive, primary hyperactive, combined), or if it is only suspected (some doctors will only make the official diagnosis around age 6 or so, even if there is a strong suspision of ADHD), and if there are any comorbid conditions (ODD, OCD, depression, anxiety, etc.). This information helps members know if thier experiences are relevant to your child. The behaviors you describe can be present in many childhood disorders, and caused by many different things.

If your son has ADHD, his maturity will most likely lag his peers and he will need extra coaching on social skills. Also if you have not implemented a positive reinforcement behavior plan, this might help as well.

Elle, I know where your coming from. My son has the same problem, it is getting better though. He is know in third grade and he has a problem with thinking everyone should do what he wants to do. But like I said he is making progress. He finally has a friend that comes over and plays with, and he is doing pretty good with him. I would talk to your child and let him know what he is doing wrong, and keep reminding him. That seems to help with Chase. Good luck to you.

Elle, My son is 8yrs old and listining to your post takes me back to when he was 4 years old. Iwas a pretty young mother, I'm now 26yrs old. we have strugglegld through school for the last 3 years with natural attemps with minimal results. but I think we (me and my husband) were at minimal understanding with being so young. we had went to a homiopatic doctor for a year with minimal results last year then we tried concerta and adderall. while the meds worked there were horrible side effects. He couldn't fall alseep at night, he would hardly eat witch caused a 6 lb weight loss, (witch was unacceptable he is short, and small to begin with.) he had headaches and dizzyness, his neck started to spasam, when the meds wore off his behaviors were worse to deal with at home, homework was impossible!, also he has to go to therepy for his neck now ! Ouch

Not to mention we switched to the adderall because the concerta just stopped working after 6 weeks! Also he went up to max dosage with both meds and the next one they wanted to try was cylert which could cause liver dammage ,so they would have totest his liver every 2 to 3 weeks by drawing blood. We decided the side effects out weighed the positives at school. they were also telling me that it was starting to wear off in the early after noon. so we decided that was it for the drugs. So now were back at square one again.

we are noew trying amino acids and fish oils. Its been 2 days and so far nothing! I've been researching Magnesium on the wed and It says it has calminig effect for hyperness in just minutes with a powder suplement. They say the dosage can't exceed 200mg. but I'll keep you posted on any results we get with the amino acids. By the way there are being moniterd by a well trained chiropractor. I can get you any info on this If you like. Hang in there, There's hope out there! I'll be praying for you!

gets testy with friends and classmates. The minute they state something negative, "do not want to play with you" or "go away" he gets very angry.

He's in their face a bit much and turning kids off. I end up keeping him away from playgrounds and playdates but I don't know if that's going to make it worse.

Help, btdt? Thanks to all.

I wished I could help you but my son 6 years old does the same thing. We have friends down the street and everytime he wants to play with her he ends up getting in her face, calling her names or even hitting her in some way. I just dont get it either. They are the only kids in the neighborhood that actuallys comes outside to play and then he acts like that. My son has been on numerous meds and I swear I feel like giving up because none of them have seemed to help. He is now on Abilify and Focalin and nothing.....same ol same ol.Has your son been evaluated? My son was evaluated and diagnosed at your son's age. We regretably did NOT start med. until the end of first grade. Have your son evaluated. In my son's case, it only got worse with age, but the labeling by other children and faculty began, which meds. I believe would have prevented!I am a true believer in play therapy/counseling. My son has done quite well since starting play therapy over a year ago and on a low dosage of meds. He just turned 5. He had some of the same issues but it is quite the opposite now.