OK, what do you do with a 13 year old who won't take a punishment. If we say, no computer (which is the worst punishment he can get), or limited computer or whatever, he comes back with ...if you take away the computer I'll.....
and he'll find ways to push our buttons...if one threat doesn't work, he'll try another. Sometimes the threats are against us or sometimes he'll say stuff like, "I'll make myself flunk school". It's like he knows getting in trouble at school hurts us more than him.
We can't give in to his threats, I know that, but it becomes such a battle. Nomatter what we do, he tried to one-up us. And then he'll start using very bad language in anger.
I know I need to ignore his threats and take MY emotion out of it but it's awfully hard. Anybody have ideas of what works at this age???? He just gets so defiant and angry when he doesn't get his way.
The added stress of hormones and increasing difficulty at school can push a kid beyond his ability to cope with everything. Anxiety can come out in many ways. You might look at his environment, school, etc. for areas of stress that could be relieved. Also, if he can be taught stress reduction techniques (meditation, exercise, etc), these may help. A stressed mind only reacts, it cannot reason consequences. Is he on any meds for ADHD? If so, you should talk to the doctor about posibly adjusting them for the changing needs of your son.
It is hard to not get your buttons pushed. You might calmly tell him that you will discuss it when he is calm-and walk away. Then praise him for getting his anger under control. Even though he is 13, remember his maturity is that of a 9 year old and he needs to be taught how to properly express anger, etc.
When my daughter was failing school, she would fly into a rage over anything; threaten, violence, etc. She had developed anxiety, depression and defiance due to untreated ADHD. Once we got her treatment in order (positive reinforcement plan, effective meds and school accomodations), the anxiety, depression and defiance pretty much cleared on thier own. Because she became successfull in school, and homework was no longer a battle, she became happy and confident.
vickie39091.423587963Yes, you bring up a very good point. His fight yesterday was after a very long (and from his point of view), stressful day. So I can see why a small thing like telling him to get off the computer caused a huge fight.
But at the same time, he has to, as any child, have rules and while we do make exceptions, he has to be punished, just like any child, when he breaks the rules. I don't want his ADHD to be his "out" when he behaves poorly. He needs to take responsiblity for his actions to succeed in life.
He was on focalin last year and in the early fall. Honestly, I noticed no difference. Then around October, he refused to take meds. I let it go because I got no calls from the teachers when he went off meds. My gut says it's the age and the personality, more than the lack of meds.
He doesn't take a pill either so it limits our choice of meds.
It sounds like he may need the extra coaching to help him express when he is stressed, rather than blow up. You might also pose things in a different manner. The reward for doing what he is supposed to do, gets him the privelege of screen time. So daily, the screen time is a set amount (1/2 hour or even 0), if he gets his homework done, treats the family with respect, etc, he gets more screen time.
ADHD kids seem to respond better to rewards than to having things taken away. My daughter was awful and no longer cared what we took away. We changed to positive reinforcment behavior modification and she is doing great (made a lot of progress even before meds). If she gets homework done before I get home from work, she gets to stay up late and extra half hour (as long as she gets up and gets ready on her own in the AM). I get the results that I wanted when we were punishing her for things we did not want her to do (negative reinforcement).
This is not letting him have his way for everything. This is teaching him that doing what he is expected to do has positive rewards. The real world is like this...do a good job: get paid, get bonuses, get promotions.
Funny, I just spent the last hour with his guidance counc. and we came up with the same idea. So we will have a "bank" of computer time and every time he does something he should do, he'll get tokens that he can use for time and if he does something bad, I can take away tokens.
the only thing I will totally ban him for is use of foul language or threats of me and his dad. That can't be tolerated.
It's a hard thing to keep up with but hopefully I can.
And no more arguing with him. I have to stay emotionless and matter of fact and not let him push my buttons. Wish me luck!!!
Good luck!! I have raised 2 girls past the teen years and one of them was not ADHD...ut us not easy under any circumstances!Sounds like a strong willed kid to me and here is a book that I loved reading and will re-read for future reference.Jillette,
Thanks for the book title. Sounds like one I MUST read, since the Psychologist doesn't seem to be working too well!
Hi. These are tough, tough issues. It is SO HARD not to respond to the provoking that many of our teens pull on us. My son is very smart, manipulative, and he too can be a real jerk when he doesn't get his way.
When my son "ups the ante" on threats, I've learned to walk away (disengage) and ignore them. Sometimes that means literally leaving the house. Another thing we do is to have our son sign a family contract which lays out in NO UNCERTAIN terms what our expectations are for him and what the consequences are for violations. It helps to have the teen have input in creating the contract. THEN STICK TO THE CONTRACT! Sounds easy, but isn't easy.
The breakthrough for us was to find the RIGHT therapist and get good parental training on how to respond. Our first therapist didn't do for us what the 2nd one did. Sometimes it takes awhile to find one that fits your family.
When my son approached the age of 12, I sought out a male therapist. It helped tremendously to have a male therapist with my son for some reason.
The 2nd big breakthrough for us came when I MYSELF entered into therapy to try and get to the bottom of WHY I was having trouble following through, setting consistent boundaries, allowing my son to draw me into battles, hypercontrolling my son's school issues although he was approaching high school, etc. Our therapist worked hard with me to "see the light" and although I would never say that I was the total problem with the conflict in our home, I was certainly contributing to it by inconsistent parenting responses. Things now in our home are NOTHING like they were two years ago.....we now have peace... at least for now!! He turns 14 in 3 weeks and I'm sure there are more battles in store... but I feel MUCH MORE CONFIDENT in how to handle him!
Okiemom
One other thing.....the old saying "choose your battles" is SO true.
We follow the method Ross Greene uses in his book The Explosive Child. Basket A (not negotiable), B (negotiable ), and C (let it slide). Very few things fall in Basket A, and more things in Basket B and C. In therapy..... I found out there were a LOT of things I was digging my heals in making issues out of that were really either basket B or C issues. Once I clued in on that.... it relieved TONS of pressure in our house!
Okiemom
that is true. I do that but my husband just can't and unfortunately him and my ds can't stand eachother. It's very sad to me.
If it was up to him, my ds would be punished EVERY day!