Please help me understand | ADHD Information
Hello,
I am hoping to gain some insight from parents of ADHD kids in an effort to better understand my nephew. And maybe learn how to support his parents in their struggles.
He was diagnosed with ADHD when just 5 or 6 years old. He is now 18. Is his mis-behavior the result of his brain not functioning correctly, or is his ADHD being used as an excuse?
An example: Last time he was at our home he stole something small. When I asked his parents to keep an eye out for this item at their house, they were VERY surprised to hear that their son had been rummaging through our house (drawers, closets, etc). He has done this since he was about 7! But we'd never noticed anything missing before.
I really don't care about the item that was stolen, I just wanted to make sure they knew what had occurred. I was told that in many ways he is at a "12 year old" level and that pointing out that rummaging through people's things is not appropriate would devastate him. HUH? Is setting boundaries a big "no-no" with ADHD kids? Can their brain just not comprehend such a thing?
From our point of view it seems that discipline of any kind is never used with him and his ADHD is used as the reason. Is correction never a good idea?
Please clue me in.
Discipline is very important to any child. My son is ADHD, age 10, and he is not allowed to use his ADHD as an excuse for misdeeds.
It is true that ADHD children lag in maturity 30% behind their same age peers, but even at "a 12 year old level" he should know that stealing, even something small, is wrong. Limits/boundaries are important, though I am thinking that if it hasn't happened yet, it will be difficult to do at this point. I have raised 3 children past the age of 12, 1 of them an undiagnosed, un medicated ADHD daughter (she was dx as an adult), and none of them would think of stealing from anyone least of all family. My 10 year old ADHD son knows that stealing is wrong.
Your nephew is being dealt a disservice by his parents. He can go to jail for stealing from the wrong person, he is now considered an adult by the laws standards and they will most definitely not consider his ADHD in their sentencing for a crime!
He needs to get some therapy I would say immediately! Speak to your nephews parents, but also speak to him....he may be open to you suggesting therapy coming from you.
chasesmom7939099.7748726852Thanks for the reply.
Yes, he is getting therapy. Has for YEARS.
I just get frustrated getting the "you can't blame him" kind of response all time and that "it isn't his fault, he's just not wired to understand".
Even an elementary age kid knows not to dig through people's things. I agree that it's a boundary issue, but that got thrown back in my face (by the parents).
I struggle between wanting to be supportive and wanting to scream. From the outside it seems as though he needs some strict guidelines. Maybe the Army needs to start a boot camp for ADHD'ers.
I hope there are some more responses and opinions.
Puzzled Aunt39099.7785763889I agree that stealing is wrong regardless of a diagnosis. ADHD should never be used as an excuse. However, just to present another side.... my son honestly doesn't think he is "stealing" or being disrespectful of my things. He is just honestly curious -- though he is a great deal younger than your nephew!
It is frustrating for those who don't live with ADHD to understand (and frustrating for us who do live w/ ADHD to try to explain) how "typical" or "traditional" methods of discipline sometimes just don't work. I am speaking in very general terms -- not specifically about your nephew about whom I have limited information. However, I can tell you that discipline that works for other kids usually does NOT work for mine....
I hope that you find the answers you seek!
Is he on medication? The thing with ADHD is that the child lacks the ability to curb the impulsivity of his actions, but he still must be taught the difference between right and wrong....even w/o medication, his years of therapy should have been addressing this issue. Behavior therapy is what I am speaking of. He must not learn (though obviously he has been taught this by listening to his parents make excuses for him) to use ADHD as an excuse....it just isn't going to fly in his adulthood, with anyone except his parents!
Medication gives the child the ability to stop and think his actions through before he impulsively acts on a "wrong" choice. Therapy can help as well, but numerous studies have shown that the combination of meds + therapy is the most effective.
My son who is 8 and has ADHD stole in the past and was punished for it. He doesn't do it any more. Whatever level he is at he needs to know other people have the right to privacy too and stealing is wrong. I can't see how learning this would devastate anyone, at 12 year old level or not. If his parents don't teach him this he will land in jail. I hope it's not too late to teach him that! ADHDers need to be set very CLEAR boundaries!! It's not that they don't comprehend them, I don't think, just that they find it hard to stick to, so parents need to be very firm.I agree with all that has been said. It sounds like his parents are using it more of an excuse. Even though they are wired differently, discipline, consequences, and boundaries really need to be very firm and consistant.
It sounds like as your nephew has gotten old his parents started giving up.
I think it is great of you to get some outside insight and opinions. Obviously you care about your nephew and want to understand.
I wanted to offer a different perspective, as someone who has had a rather unsuccessful relationship (in the past) with a man about the same age as your nephew who has severe ADHD (it was untreated). He would also steal, in addition to lying, and a whole bunch of other stuff that we won't get into.
Your nephew is getting treatment and that is great, but if his parents won't set limits for him, please set them for him in your own home. If you notice him going through your things, tell him you know he has done this. Tell him in a kind and gentle way, and let him know that you value the time you spend together, but that he absolutely may not invade your privacy. Also tell him you know he took something of yours (don't use the word "stole" as it could make him even more defensive) and then offer him the chance to return the item.
Behavior like this tends to snowball. My ex's parents had to lock all their valuables in a room when they left the house. Even after they kicked him out, he would attempt to break back into the house and steal more of their things, because he knew that they would not call the police and that there would never be any real consequences. Last I heard of him he still could not hold a job, at the age of 29, but he did have it in him to be "considerate enough" (his words, not mine), to sign away all his legal rights to my son.
Your nephew may not be aware that you even know of his inappropriate behavior in your house, and it is most likely related to impulse control, but like someone else mentioned, the court system does not take that into consideration.
Those with ADHD have a very clear perception of right and wrong but as mentioned, lack of impulse control leads them to act before they think. Those who can control impulsive behavior make a choice to steal or not steal but when effective treatment is not sought out to control the impulsivity, those with Adhd live in the moment and are not thinking of the consequences of their actions because they are not making a choice. Indeed Adhd is not an excuse but boot camp or the army is not the answer as this is a problem with impulse control, not a discipline issue. While boundaries need to be set and discipline tactics need to be implemented, other tools are needed to help manage the symptoms of Adhd besides counseling and behavioral interventions. If the parents keep making excuses rather than face realtiy and try to get their son effective treatment, at 18 years old, they are in for a rude awakening as the path your newphew is now taking will only continue to spiral downward