preschool troubles | ADHD Information

Hello. I am new here. I am the mom to a little boy who was born with a cleft lip. Besides his cleft, we believe that he is ADHD. As a mom, you know your child and you know when your child is different. I have known for a while that my son is very different from other children in our family. He has all the signs of ADHD.

We spoke to his doctor about this and he agreed with us that my son has all the "markers' of an ADHD child. My child is in preschool. He is doing everything a preschooler should do, and more. My son's doctor said that as long as my son is learning, making advancements at school is not hurting him self or others, that he would not medicate him. My husband I both agree with the doctor's assessment.

I had a meeting with the preschool and explained to the director and the teacher that my son has special needs. He is ADHD, and has other issues regarding his cleft lip. I thought they were all on the same page. Now I am getting daily complaints. These are small complaints like, he walked away from carpet time, he wouldn't finish painting, he refused to nap, he yelled. As hard at it must be for the teachers, I just don't understand these complaints. To me, it's no big deal. I thought they would be more accommodating for my son, but if he's not "fitting in" then I just get complaints.

I am so tired of it. I cry almost everyday because I feel so bad for my boy. He must have terrible days. He use to love his preschool now every morning he begs me to stay home with him (I work to pay our bills, not because I want to). I cry on the way to work and I cry at night. I am so sad for him.

Do any of you have suggestions?

Have you asked the teacher what she is doing to encourage him to participate in group activities?  This might be enough to jolt her into realizing that she has to make a little more effort with your son than she does with the others.  And I'm sorry, but he wouldn't finish painting?  Who cares- he was done, why does it matter that he finishes?

I'm assuming that your son's preschool is private.  Is it a very structured program, or is it more fluid, adapting to the needs and interests of the children?  Some teachers are very rigid in their approach, directing the children to the activities that they have decided upon for the day, and not really leaving room for them to follow their interests.  I don't know exactly how old your son is, but it is perfectly normal for a three year old, or early four yr. old to get up and walk away when they've reached the end of their attention span.  It could be that the activities are lasting too long.  Is it possible for you to observe for a few hours to see exactly what's going on? 

Honestly, the complaints you are getting are just that- complaints.  They are things that all preschoolers do.  Now it could also be that since you told them about the ADHD suspicion that they are hypervigilant to what they perceive to be symptoms and think they are helping you out by "filling you in" every day.  It probably wouldn't hurt to sit down with whoever runs the program and tell them that the daily reports concern you, let them know what you do to work on behaviors like that at home, and then ask what they, as a school, do to accomodate his differences.  Have her tell you specifically and then check to make sure that those things are happening and are effective. 

What state are you in? The feds give states pre-school money under IDEA and the states then determine how it is used. In some states, there have been cases where private preschools are forced to accomodate a child with a disability. You can check out your state's education web site for some help. Also, see if there is a CHADD group near you (the members could be helpful in pointing you to resources).I have a problem with the timing. Everything is fine, then you tell the preschool that he has ADHD, and then you start getting complaints daily. I would sit down with the director and tell her that you started receiving complaints only after you advised them that he has ADHD, and that this seems very questionable. I would also state that you ONLY wants to hear complaints that fall outside the range of normal -- and ask her to speak with the teacher. If it continues, I would move him to another preschool.

Exactly...I taught preschool at Head Start for over 4 years.  Of course it is optimal for the children to stay at circle time, but if a child didn't want to, we looked for ways to make it more inviting to him/her, but did not make a big deal out of it.  As for the painting, how does the teacher know he wasn't "done"...are they giving them dittos to paint or is it freestyle? 

Preschool is too soon for the teacher to expect total comformity....

My son's problems also came to light in preschool (daycare) and I know how you feel - it was so sad to hear him say that he didn't want to go, and he was just so little and so sad.

I was lucky because his teachers would allow him to do different things if he couldn't do what the class was doing - go do leggos, sensory things, etc. especially if he was not disruptive to the class. 

I would meet with the director to see what kind of things that they can do to work with him - without disrupting the rest of the class.  We did not put our son on meds until he went to 4K.

Good luck!

 

Thank you for your responses. Yes, my son's preschool is private. They offer extended hours and have a summer program. He goes there year round. My son just turned 4 this month. The school is some what structured. They have an outline for what activities they do each day. They do allow time for "free" play and outside or gym time.

I am going to ask the school for a meeting. I want my husband, me, the director and the teacher all together to address their complaints.

I agree with the idea that perhaps the teacher is too rigid for him. Yup, I really think this teacher is missing the boat here. After I read your responses I am so thankful in posting here. I really feel like I have some back up from parents who understand what I am talking about. You know after a while you just feel like you are going in circles.

I know what my son's shortfalls are. I am his mom, and I am a good mom. I pay attention to my son and I rack my brains on figuring out how to best deal with his behavior and ways to help him. He's a little boy with feelings and sometimes I think people forget that kids can get hurt feelings. They don't want to be bad, they really just want to be good. That's all their little hearts want to do is make you happy. When that teacher tells me about how concerned she, I could spit. You know, she's not concerned, she wants me to make him do what she wants him too. That's it. Too bad it's not going to happen. I wonder if she thinks he has lack of discipline or something. We work hard to do our part to help our son. This teacher's lack of creativity and understanding is getting on my last nerve.

Hi!  We have something else in common.  My 6 year old daughter was also born with a unilateral cleft lip.  We haven't had any issues at school with her lip or scar...YET.  Though her teacher seemed to be getting on her a bit last week for pronouncing a specific word that she was going to say at a prayer service (my daughters go to a private school and the 6 year old also went to the pre-school there) even knowing she has a bit of a speech impediment.  She has a hole in her gum and has lost both her baby front teeth!  I wanted to smack the teacher (for one in just a long litany of issues!!!). 

We just had Megan dxd 2 months ago.  We kept putting it down to her being a REALLY active child.  My husband still doesn't quite accept the ADHD diagnosis as he keeps saying that he was exactly like this as a child....uh....great!   though is his not like that at all now.  We sometimes used to look at her and just think she was sucking the energy out of us!!!  Our older daughter (she's 9) is not overly energetic...she's actually more like I was.  A bit bookish, but she does like playing outside. 

One thing I have made sure to tell the psychologist who diagnosed Megan was about her cleft as there was a study posted on a cleft support group I also belong to (and if you haven't checked it out, I suggest you do as if you have any questions....just like here....SOMEONE will probably have an answer or suggestion for you....it's www.cleftadvocate.org).  It said that some cleft affected children were being misdiagnosed with ADHD when they actually had dysnomia (I believe that's it).  You can search the website for that thread.  It was by Dr. Lynn Richman.  But with that in mind....I still don't doubt Megan's ADHD combined with learning disability and ODD trait diagnosis.  At all!  We have her on the 10mg Daytrana patch but as soon as the pharmacy gets the 15mg patch in, we'll try her on that (that stuff is like GOLD!!!!). 

Megan's teacher is a pain in my behind.  She is, to me, a negative person.  We were getting notes home that Megan didn't pay attention in class..Megan didn't listen, Megan got up 6 times....in the parent/teacher meeting in October, she told my husband and I that she told Megan daily at least 20 times to sit in her seat.  Well,  if you work that out, that's only once every 20 minutes or so.  For an unmedicated (and at that point, undiagnosed) ADHD child....that's not bad!   But I was always getting negative notes home.  Especially on her homework.  Well, I finally had enough last Thursday and wrote a very strong but polite email to the principal (another mother at the school who's daughter is about 10 times more ADHD than my child told me to stop talking to the teacher and put pressure on the principal to get things changed in the classroom) that the negativity had better stop and stop NOW.  Being punished and yelled at in class (and Megan says that the teacher yells at her a 4 other boys the most) will stop as it is killing her self esteem and is not working...as they can well see!  Well, by golly....I got a couple of notes home this week that said in a NICE tone that Megan didn't do her homework properly and could she please do it again.  And Megan had a great day.  And then the day that I forgot to put a patch on her...I got a note that she had to be told to sit down 4 times in 15 minutes and that she didn't pay attention in math.  Sigh....oops.  My fault. 

I'm sorry I rambled on so much.  But definitely take a stand.  It does seem that the timing of the complaints is too coincidental.  Keep us posted as to how they respond to your request for a meeting!

Don't feel bad - my daughter is 8 and still does not 'fit in' to what the teacher expects of every child.  She is definitely a square peg they are trying to put in a round hole adn it just doesn't work.  Try to come up with some things they can do in place of the school's planned activities (e.g. coloring quietly if they won't take a nap; looking through picture books or playing with leggos if they don't want to join circle time, etc.)  Another thing that helped when she was in pre-school was sticker charts the teacher would do for problem behaviors.  These strategies helped us deal with the teachers over the years but it is always a struggle and I guess it always will be but it does get better! 

Welcome, we too have a pre-schooler with ADHD.  I can totally sympathize w/ the teacher complaints -- we struggled last year.  We have had great success w/ diet modifications and supplements.  There is lots of info on those things on the Alternatives to Meds section of this message board.  I hope you find the answers and help you seek!