When do you tell your friends? | ADHD Information

I so badly want to quit my job and go to my son's private school and help the children who struggle with ADHD.  I feel so many of us feel it is something we can't discuss but we should be able to and our children are OKAY!  I am open with co-workers about it and the staff at school but the kids don't know that my son is being evaluated.  I wish I could help the teachers and staff help these kids as I feel they are even unprepared to assist these children to better self-esteems, better grades, and help them feel like normal kids sometimes.  My son is already labeled the "bad kid" of the class and I wish I could help the other kids see him as the very affectionate loving child I see at home but not by making excuses but helping him and them learn. 

I made the mistake of telling once we started medication. I think it was my way of trying to reach out for sympathy,understanding, and compassion. Instead I was blown off, my son was also. My son also was embarassed and was afraid the kids in school would find out. Nothing had ever been said to him from any kids, yet.

Society and the media are so ignorant to what ADHD really is, even Dr. Phil! He's one of the worst, still calling it ADD, some doctor!!He doesn't even know the correct term - LOL

Society believes every thing they read and there is a lot of negative spin being put on medication. I still love the one that if you medicate your adhd children then they are more suseptible to drugs later on, that is the biggest "falsehood" going! But people still believe it!

I say don't tell! I wish I had never opened my mouth, not even to my family! They  don't understand nor do they cut my son any slack, so why bother. I also think it makes people watch them even more like they are just waiting for something to happen.

May I say that I told one of my best friends about my sons diagnosis and her response was that she was glad she was not his mother because she didn't think she could take the noise, constant moving around, not following directions, etc..

I was shocked to say the least

I had one very wellmeaning friend say to me that parents who don't want to medicate have a "hidden agenda".  Well it infuriated me even though I know that he doesn't mean any harm by it.  I suppose it's true in a way that I do have hidden agendas - cost, side effects, similarities to cocaine being some of them.  But it seemed to me he was saying just put the kid on drugs, brush the problem under the door and be done with it. Of course I'm probably barking up the wrong street as he is a very good friend but my initial split second reaction was not good. Now I don't see why everybody needs to know - as someone said before, tell them on a need to know basis.Well, I'd say based on their initial reaction, they aren't going to be a good support to you on this matter. Therefore, I don't think you should bring it up again or keep them informed of what is going on. They just "don't get it" because they've never had to deal with it before. No matter how you try to educate them, their minds are already made up....that's been my experience. You have to choose carefully to whom you share this info. That even includes family members. You can always talk to us here on the Internet! We've BTDT!I tell people on a "need to know basis" - if they are having the same
problems and want my advice. Only certain family members know - those
that can understand and support us. I want to protect ds's privacy about his
ADHD and medication/therapy. I don't want him to be "labeled" by people
who don't undertand ADHD or know him well. If ds wants to tell people
when he understands it better himself and is older, than that is his right to
do. DS is 6 1/2 btw and in Kindergarten.

Not everyone understands ADHD. I only discuss with other parents of ADHD
kids who are going through the same thing.

I agree that a lot of people (friends included) don't understand it and either don't want to, or don't believe it so its a no- win situation.  I have a hard time trying to explain it to my family (especially the grandparents )  Some of my friends are great - very understanding and sympathetic but others just get annoyed when my daughter gets out of hand, etc.  I wouldn't say anything.

Before my son was dx'ed my friends had similar reactions when I voiced my concerns about his behavior and school issues.  They told me it was normal/ all kids did that.  I don't think they were disbelieving so much as trying to reasure me that there wasn't anything "wrong" with my child.  Many, many parents struggle to come to terms with the fact that their child isn't perfect and I guess that others typically think reassuring people that there's nothing wrong is the way to go, unless of course the child in questiong is an extreme case where it's glaringly obvious.

But for those of us who knew very early on that there was something different about our kids, that type of reaction just appears dismissive.  Now here is where I'm going to vary from the general concensus here.  While I agree on the "need to know" policy in general, it can be very lonely to have a child with ADHD and no one to talk to about it, especially through the diagnosis when you're trying to sort everything out.  I do think this is a wonderful site for support and info, but it is just not the same as talking to a real person.  I don't have a lot of support from my family, but I am very lucky to have a close friend whose son was dx'ed with ADHD less than a year before mine.  Telling her was a no- brainer.  It's funny though, cause she was one of the ones telling me not to worry- look her kid acted that way too, it must be normal!   It's all very ironic now. 

That does make me laugh.  It must be those other kids that have something wrong - ours are just fine, right?  

 

ham2006 - I am having the exact same problem - to tell or not to tell! This actually verified everything I was thinking. ! don't want to be judged, I don't want my son to be judged, I don't want to be told it's normal little boy behavior when their kids aren't like this and they don't see what I go thru all day every day. They - my friends - have always made me feel as tho my expectations are too high and that I'm too strict and that's he's just being a little boy. I've never known how to explain my frustrations to them cuz - without them realizing it  - they were making me feel like a faliure. Like it was my fault in one way or another. So, I agree and think I will follow the wonderful advise given here. Need to know only - as hard as that my be right now - cuz it's just not worth it!

I've come across a lot of people who made me feel I was a bad parent - I expect to much - didn't disclipline enough or my favorite, 'if you could just get her to listen".  Don't believe it!  You are not a failure - you a good parent - you are trying to help your child.  If they could only walk in our shoes for one day!!! Thanks guys.  You're probably on the right track.  The hard part is that I'm not happy with the school situation like they are, so I feel the need to explain myself, but really, I probably don't.  Even if I did, they may not see it like I do. 

 

ham2006--you asked for thoughts (on revealing to others your daughter's add)...here's mine!  Similar to NoTellin, I suggest that you fight the urge to divulge this info to your friends.  I think you will be amazed how differently, 6 months from now, you feel about the need to share this important piece of information.  I predict you won't feel anywhere near the same need for sharing.  Here's why, based on my experience... 

I'm an adult who didn't know I had add until last year.  It was a tremendous revelation to me, and, of course, I wanted to share it with friends and co-workers.   But I restrained myself, and I'm glad I did.   What I learned is that a) everyone has their own "view" of what add (or adhd) is, and the time and effort it takes to re-educate them is more than I have and frankly, more than they want to hear about; b) while it (add) is big deal in our lives, it's not a big deal for most of our friends and acquaintenances, it's really not; and c) no matter how carefully the issue is raised, it is very hard to avoid the appearance of making excuses. 

  In short, I quickly learned that there's not a whole lot to be gained by revealing the fact that I have add to others who are not either immediate family members or close, bosom buddies. 

I'm also lucky that I talked to an acquaintance who I knew also had add, shortly after I was diagnosed and started taking Adderall.  He (I'll call him Sam) related his experience in sharing with the world the fact that he had add as soon as he (and his son) were diagnosed.  He said that what people remembered and passed on through the grapevine was that "Sam is on speed!"  The lesson I got out of his experience is, for those I do disclose that I have add, I don't bother even talking about medication and if I do, I just tell them I take "medication" that helps relieve the symptoms, and don't disclose what type of medication.  No one has pressed me to name the meds, and if they did, I'd probably just say that we (doc and me) are still working out the best type for me.  No one needs to know what I take except my wife and me.    Good luck, and stay in touch!

I would not bring the subject up again, and I would not tell them the real reason why I was changing schools. This whole thing will take up a lot of your energy and time; why spend even more addressing their opinions/concerns. It's just too drianing. Even if you said "see, she was tested and we were right" they would have their own opinions. I have some very close and true friends who do not believe in ADHD. Sometimes you just have to live it to get it.

quite honestly there are a lot of people out there that just don't believe that add/ad/hd is anything.  I think you have to do and say what you think is right and not worry about others. 

I personally would have to wonder about your friends...true friends in my book are not critical and quick to judge you for things you feel are best for your child.  That is of course my opinion.

When I was first thinking about getting dd evaluated, I shared some of my concerns with a group of pretty good friends.  They probably meant well, but basically shot my concerns down, practically calling me stupid for thinking of it.  They think my standards are too high for her since school was easy for me.  (Looking back, I'm guessing they were complimenting my dd, but I was offended - I know my own kid!).  Well, I'll be spending the weekend with some of them.  Our kids all go to the same private school together, and I know the topic of school will come up.  On report cards she does okay, so even though they know we've been concerned, they don't think it's a big deal either.  I'm considering switching schools next year (heaven forbid), and if we did I would share the reason that I think a different school will help her better.  After the reaction last time, I'm not sure whether I should share, but part of me just wants to say "See?  We had her tested and I was right!"  I asked dd if she minds if I share about the testing and ADD, and she doesn't as long as their kids don't know.  It's so hard to know what is not anybody's business, and what is good to share for support.  As you can probably tell by my posts, I share pretty readily, and it's weird for me to be keeping this huge part of our lives from my friends.  Any thoughts!we told a few friends. Some have been amazing and keen to adjust things
when we get together so that H does not have a new audience to ply his
alternative behaviour demonstrations.

Others have no idea what we're talking about, we can spot these people
fairly easily now, they are the ones that either change the topic or suggest
that the kid just needs a 'bigger whack'.

Strangely, blood-line family are the least understanding ... and in fact
look upon him as a space alien - it's catching right.... move your kids
back 10 feet. Like the brother in law who decided to teach H the value of
patience by making him wait 20 mins for a go on the trampoline (after his
kids had done with it). He was suprised H told him he was a D__KHEAD
and complained to me...I could only reply that H was indeed wrong to say
that ... you are quite obviously a F__KWIT.

I don't think it matters really. As long as you love yer kid ... cause at the
end of the day ... they are doing thier best too.

Its unlikely that your friends would confess that their kid is in fact ugly,
so why the hell do we need to offer an appology either ... if they don't
accommodate, ditch 'em.

If you're anything like us, we don't have the time/energy to worry what
people thing ... you get us a full set, and if you don't like us all ... get
stuffed.I wouldn't tell these friends, because one of them will probably mention it to one of their kids.  If that happens and something is said to your dd, she will probably be mortified and justifiably mad at you.  Not worth it.  

[QUOTE=susieb]I wouldn't tell these friends, because one of them will probably mention it to one of their kids.  If that happens and something is said to your dd, she will probably be mortified and justifiably mad at you.  Not worth it.   [/QUOTE]

That was my son. If he heard me talking about it with someone, he would come over to me and be like, "mom". He was 7 at the time, but still felt embarassed thinking he was different.

I truly regret ever saying anything to anyone!

Only certain people know about my sons ADD and they are the ones who have to deal with him on a regular basis because I also found that many people didn't belive me and that he was a naughty boy and that I was a bad parent.  Ryker's class mates are good with dealing with his ADD because they have known him since Kindergarden. they all help each other out. Ryker helps them with class work and they help with his social skills.  Ryker thinks as himself as normal. He says its just like wearing glasses and he is not diffrent.[QUOTE=BETHANN]

Society and the media are so ignorant to what ADHD really is, even Dr. Phil! He's one of the worst, still calling it ADD, some doctor!!He doesn't even know the correct term - LOL

[/QUOTE]

I found that frustrating too-, after doing hours of internet searches trying to decide whether to take her in for an evaluation, and finding all over that it was now called "ADHD-inattentive".  So I started out using that term, (I have shared with some people - usually friends or colleages who know me less, and are therefore less likely to judge - or those I knew would understand better, being in the school system or having a child with ADHD).  Anyway, I digress.  The conversations would be something like:

Me: "So I've been reading a lot about it, and she sure has a lot of signs of ADHD."

Friend: "Really?  I'd never have guessed it!  She doesn't look hyper to me!"

Me: "Well, she doesn't have the hyperactivity component.  Hers would be ADHD-inattentive type."

Friend:  "Oh, you mean ADD?"

Me:

So then, I either drop it so I don't look like I'm trying to be a know-it-all.  Or sometimes I educate them on the new terms.  Those in education don't know the new terminology I'm finding.

 

 Exactly.

 

Interestingly, in Hallowell/Ratey's latest book: Delivered from Distraction, they use "ADD" not "ADHD".  And they certainly know the difference!  Just like "common names" vs. scientific names for plants and animals (you say aspen tree, I say poplar tree), I don't get uptight with the use of common names.  If someone really wants to know my flavor of add, I'd tell them "314.00: Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Predominantly Inattentive Type".  Otherwise, I say ADD 'cause it rolls off the tongue more easily!