sabotaging friends | ADHD Information

Middle school is so rough...my son is so sad.  So many kids tease him and he does things to get attention cause he's screaming out for friends but the things he does just make the kids think he's wierd and pick on him more and also cause him to get in trouble with the teachers.

He totally knows what he's doing is wrong but keeps on doing it anyway.

And now he feels that even if he acts ok, he's got this reputation as a loser and everyone will always make fun of him.  And the kids are even telling his one friend not to be friends with him anymore.

My heart is breaking.  What can he do?  Can he ever get over this???  How can the school help him???  Help, I want to cry.  We are going to try some new meds but even if he can control himself, how can he overcome this???

 

Your school should act upon it - It's Bullying ! Go to the head explain it , if it doesnt stop take it to the education authority.I would approach the kids parents too.My ds had a very rough 6th grade year.  Kids egged him on to do stupid stuff that would get him in trouble.  Some kid said that he'd give him if ds would pull down his pants and hump the seat.  Ds got 3 days suspension (and didn't get the ).  But...

...It got better!  Seventh grade was great and eighth is going well, too.  It hasn't followed him and kids don't avoid him because he was a doofus in 6th grade.  Tell him that he has to keep trying and that he may not see an immediate turn around on the part of the other kids, but it will come.  We had to pound into ds's head that if any of a certain group of kids told him he should do something to run as fast as he can the other way.  I rehearsed him by asking stuff like "If XXX asks you to do ANYTHING what should you say?"

You are in my prayers and remember, it does get better.  It really does!

I would talk to the school counselor and ask if he/she has any kind of small group social skills classes he could be a part of.  If he has an IEP, I would insist on some social skills help, to help him fit in better and become better accepted.  One other board I belong to has a (younger) child whose school counselor joins her at lunch and recess to help her with her social skills and teach her more appropriate ways to make friends/ be a friend.

 

Good Luck! 

My heart breaks when I read posts like this one. Friends seem to be so hard for these adhd'ers. Mine went through it, and I had no one to talk to.  I was just as alone as my son. What I did outside of school was to put him activities that were outside town so he could meet new children and get a fresh start. I put him in a chess class, swimming lessons, baseball camp, etc.

I will mention that his meds were in place, just working on the correct dosage.

It really helped his self esteem. My son is 9 and this was 2 years ago. Middle school sounds like it is something to start worrying about now. He has one more year before he goes up to middle school. My son plays with all the boys at recess and talks with them in class, but he tells me he minds his own business. There are no playdates or after school things, but he's a homebody and plays a sport each season with kids from town so that keeps him involved socially.

May I ask if his medication is where it should be, if he is on medication? I also agree with going to the school since it is happening there. I also agree with using their guidance counselor, here they cal them adjustment counselors. Your son, like all adhd'ers is immature and the other kids know it. They use it against him. My son is also immature, more so than his younger sister!

The school should be able to offer some assistance there, but I would also find outside activities for him as well. He is at the age where they want to socialize nights and weekends and you don't want him getting into trouble trying to impress others. He sounds like he still probably needs structure. Some type that maybe has a group leader, even an older guy like from high school maybe as a mentor to spend time with him. I just worry about his self esteem, you don't want to lose that!

Regards!

 

Thanks Bethann

Just like he feels he's the only one out there going through what he's going through, I sometimes feel like I'm the only mom going through it.  It breaks your heart because in middle school, you just can't get as involved with the social scene.  I can't call other kids moms  (embarrassing) and ask them to play with my son.  But honestly I feel we are doing all that we can.

He is in other activities, the school play, chess club and boy scouts which is outside of school.

I have been working with the local religous organizations and got funding to start a new program next year as an alternative to the large youth group.  It would be a small group of hand picked kids that meet regularly and do religous themed activities (movies, social action, etc).  It would be lead by a social worker and the kids would be working on social skills (but they won't know this).

His councelor is amazing and will be working with him. 

We are taking him to a neuropsych for another opinion and advice on his IEP

The only debate we are having is meds.  His refused to take them the beginning of the school year, and for a few months he did awesome but then the last 2 months he started to go downhill, gradewise and social wise. 

So now, we are trying meds again, and hopefully will find something that works. He's not too hyper and can focus and do work just fine, I just think he's impulsive which is what gets him into trouble.  At home we never noticed a difference on or off meds.  I just think that he wants so bad to make friends and he wants to get attention and he does things impulsively that create the opposite.  He know they were the wrong thing to do, but it just happens.

So sad, middle school is such a tough place.  I wish I could push the fast forward button for him.  He has 3 friends...2 of them also have issues so they don't judge him or notice his oddities (though he notices their oddities but is ok with them).  The third friend is starting to get pressure from the other kids not to be friends with him anymore.  That is the saddest part.

Anyhow, sorry so long but I had to get this out.

 

it is amazing some of these traits that they have that are so similar to others with adhd.  but you know at least we know and can do things to TRY and make it better for them

my son has had kids that have made fun of him since 1st grade (they have all been in the same school for that long) because he wet his pants once and he had just a horrible year (1st grade).  It was in second grade when we finally started the meds, but that year made a lasting impression and that makes me so sad!  We have talked about moving so many times, but can't decide if him being the new kid would be better or worse, and then we also have 5 other kids, so how would it affect them...of course there are other reasons that we would like to move (live in So Cal and its soooooooooo expensive and a rat race which doesn't help the social situation - even for me!)

thanks for all the posts - it's so so so nice to finally not feel so alone!!

sara

I'd like to recommend a book.  It's called Jarvis Clutch Social Spy.  My ds read it and liked it and said it helped him understand some thin  gs about getting along with other kids.  If you can't find it at your library, you can get it on amazon.com.  Pat said it made him feel like it wasn't just him.  

wrinkles - yes, my son had some so called friends turn on him too, or suddenly, the kid who may really like him feels pressure not to like him cause it's not a cool thing to like him.

If you live in New Jersey, your son is invited over!!!!

But sadly, my son, (and probably yours) has such a good heart and would never bully anyone.  He accepts everyone as they are, as long as they are nice.

 

Yes, this sounds like my son to a T.  Though my son totally cares when kids are mean and sadly, in 7th grade he is totally aware of the popularity thing and that his few friends are on the bottom of the totem pole in that respect.  He wants so badly to be friends with the "cool" kids but I know they won't accept them.  He too, doesn't play sports, acts goofy and just plays those video games. So as a mom who has tried everything here's my best advice to all moms who relate to this.  I'm no doctor, but my advice is from the heart.

1. Realize that there will be good days and bad days.  A bad day might be when some nasty kid tells him to not sit at the lunch table.  A good day is when a kid is nice to him.  Realize that with our kids that nasty day will make him feel like he wants to die, while that good day will make him think all is well (while it isn't)

2.  Realize that this too, shall pass.  Middle school is rough for ALL kids.  Those mean kids pick on our kids cause they can.  Cause they know that if they pick on our kids, nobodywill pick on them.

3.  Find them a core group.  Two or 3 friends is all they need.  Ask teachers and guidance councelors for help selecting these friends if need be.  And try to find an activity other than video games.  Maybe set up a scavenger hunt, bake a cake, go somewhere.  Anywhere that will encourage interaction.

4.  Realize that these kids need have the most trouble relating to their peers.  Older kids, andyounger kids work better.  And yes, girls.  My son in 7th graders seems to enjoy the company of girls more than boys.  they are softer, view him differently and he even acts more mature around them.

5.  Dont give them any more reasons to pick on them.  Make sure they wear normal clothes and don't smell....(sounds wierd but hygene is important in middle school)

6.  find activities for them that they can be good at. 

and finally, praise them whenever you can.  They need all the self esteem help you can give them.

Anyhow, I hope I helped someone out there.  It's so hard and I wish I could just hit that fast foward button sometimes.  Luckily my son has a few friends but when a kids tells him he is a loser, that's all he can hear.  They say our kids have social skills issues but nobody sadly pulls out these mean kids.  Their parents think they have these perfect kids.

And also, when they are mature enough, try to get them a mothers helper or babysitter job.  It will make them feel good about themselves.  My son has helped out with a group that has autistic children.  It made him feel needed and important.

hugs to all

 

and to tighsma, the hygene thing improved greatly in 7th grade so hang in there!

IT does help just knowing that my son is not the only one!  He plays sports and that seems to help quite a bit...he is able to make friends (even if only for a short amount of time) other kids - some are older, some are younger and many go to different schools.  They just spend so much time at school and that seems to be where they are picked on the most.  But like I said, I really think that he may not care (sometimes) and for the most part it is his choice to not have friends come over after school.  I offer all the time and he usually says no, and I know that there are kids in our neighborhood that he gets along well with.  I was also talking to my husband the other day about this and realizing that I am not a very social person either - and I definately was not social in middle school and high school, but I do remember getting my feelings hurt by other kids and I just want so much to protect him from all of that!  I know that most kids will go thru it sometime, but you know, mother's instinct I guess!!

so thanks for responding!  I will print out your advice mellowdancer and read it often!  Thanks for all your help and for everyone just being here for each other!

God Bless

Wow..it's like you are talking about my son.  He is exactly the same way you describe your son.  My son is in 6th grade...does really well academically...but the social issues are bad.  Kids make fun of him...he thinks he is weird.  Has a few friends in school...but no one is calling our house to do stuff after school or on weekends.  He has tried to make the overture...but it hasn't helped.  He had two kids that he thought were his friends...and they turned on him...bad...and that crushed him...so he is hesitant to even try and make other friends.  The two former friends tried to get other kids not to be his friend...and when I contact the moms (women I was friendly with...) they said their sons wouldn't do that..they asked them and they said it wasn't true...so they believed their kids.  Unreal...

So..I hear every word you are saying...and feel it.  My son is seeing a therapist now..and I think it's helping him accept and work on the social issues...but boy it's tough...

CM

I know what you are going through my son will have days at school where he will just say things like he is stupid! in the middle of class about other students or things like thats silly we are not doing that to the teacher'  and the other children want to say shut up jeremy we are trying to listen to the teacher .And they get anoyed with him and dont want to be around him.And of course when something is funny, and all the other kids know when to stop and our kids keep going and going until it's not funny anymore.

What age is the book for?

I was looking for a good movie that shows appropriate boy/girl social skills for the middle school set.  Anyone have ideas???

anyhow, my son too has said many times how he wants to start again in a new school.  He'll say that whenever he has a bad day with a kid.  But moving is not a good idea because getting over mistakes is part of life's lessons.  These kids will make social mistakes their whole lives.  They need to learn how to forgive themselves, hold their heads high and move on. And in middle school ALL kids make social mistakes.

My son at camp a few years ago was getting wild and kissed a boy, of course everyone started calling him :gay" and he was devastated.  Terrible mistake but he has not done that since.

I do think a good idea is give him activities where the kids don't overlap.  My son is in boy scouts with totally different kids than school (it's in a different town), and camp with totally different kids too.  This way,he kind of gets a clean slate now and then.

Also, I have to mention Kirk Martin.  He has this website celebrateadhd.com  You can sign up for his newsletter or, if you live in the DC area, he has these amazing social skills/confidence building camps. We live in NJ and traveled down there for a weekend camp that my son loved. 

He doesn't have a degree but believe me, he gets these kids more than any professional I've ever met.  It's worth checking out.  He also does phone consults. 

I have to admit I did not realize it until my son was taken out of public school, but he is so much better off not having to deal with the nasty kids and the teachers and administrators who did not want him there - too much trouble with accomodations.  It may not be best for everyone, but my son is learning in an environment without those hassles and working on his self-esteem as well, so he will be better equipped to deal with those same kids when he does return.  I say hoorah for specialty schools!     If you are interested in information, see http://ellen.parentshelpingteens.com

At my son's old Catholic preschool, there was one other boy I'm pretty sure had these same problems...weird part was he & my son didn't get a long, and his mom avoided us like crazy.  It was like she was worried our son's habits would rub off on hers...yet we were witnesses of several incidents where her son was the instigator. 

At his new preschool, I've heard some of the kids trying to goad my son into doing something knowing he'd get into trouble.  I've personally told them in earshot of the teachers that it wasn't nice to do that and they shouldn't be suggesting it.  That way they would know some of the things he does aren't necessarily his idea.  Also, I'm trying to teach him to think for himself and not do something just to be liked by the other kids.  They also seem to blame him, and unless the teacher witnessed it or my son admits his wrongdoing, I choose to believe my son on incidents like that.  If when he starts school, this type of thing continues with the other kids, I plan to observe for a day if the school will let me.  I want to witness what is going on and straighten it out if I can.

myjeffrey39163.3546875

Hi. I'm getting in on this post late too, but boy... can i relate.

My son just turned 14, 8th grade.  I too would push the fastforward button if I could. I'd love to protect him from all this, but it's impossible. I would have loved to start the fastforward button after 5th grade and just keep pushing until AFTER high school! :)

Mellowdancer......great tips for all dealing with this.  Tighsma....... be glad that your son is blessed with an interest and ability in sports...... he can draw self esteem from that PLUS, our society as a whole values the whole "sports and boys" thing.  Dr. Mel Levine talks a lot about this issue in all his books.  Help your child find something........anything....... that they have passion and interest/ability in. 

As far a our children not being aware or "bothered" about being teased or excluded........ I do have a differing opinion because in our situation (maybe not for others), my son was VERY aware of the subtle and sometimes blatant social exclusion tactics that kids use.  He was just quiet about it. But it hurts him and hurts him badly.  And yes...... it just make you want to cry as a mother.

Let us remember, however, that  our kids can get through this with our support and understanding.  They learn to face adversity at a young age.  If guided right, they can and will come out stronger in the end.  Its just getting them through the journey that is so, so, so tough!             Okiemom

 okiemom, my son also gets it.  And it hurts but he's not so quiet.  Sometimes it doesn't come out right away, but when he's upset about something else, or he's in trouble, then he lets out all his social disappointments. 

We live in a large school system so he's finding his friends slowly.  but even with friends, it still hurts so much to be excluded.

Sometimes you have to remember though, that in the middle school years SOOOO many kids go through this, many without any special needs.  It's an awful time.  And they say it's worse for girls than boys.

 

Bethann - no, my son is not on meds yet. Actually he was semi-officially diagnosed this morning! Only semi cuz insurance wouldn't pay for the tests, but now he - and us - are in therapy. She asked how we felt about medicating and my hubby said "let's take baby steps" as I'm about to jump out of my chair and ring his neck! But I said we could try behavior modification first, but I'm not waiting too long if I don't see results. I guess I didn't push it cuz I didn't think saying "Give the kid drugs NOW" was appropriate - not to anyone but us anyway!

So, we'll see how this goes! As upset as I ws the other day when I found out the tests weren't being covered, I am doing better now that something is happening. And it sort of made me realize the tests aren't THAT vital.

I totally understand what you all mean by our kids friends are our friends kids - but that makes it harder I think when it's not going well. And it makes it harder when my friends tell me about the playdates etc.. their kids went on. Makes me jealous. They don't think twice about it - it's like they are cheating on us!! They have no idea how easy they have it - i have to remind myself alot to remember that no one really knows what it's like for us, except us!!

 

 

My son is in Kindergarten and at this point when he isn't invited to the birthday party etc.. it's me that is upset. He doesn't say much, but I know that it hurts his little feelings. He has a few good friends but even that isn't going all that well - they seem to enjoy tattling on him. It's very frustrating cuz I know that they are little, but I am sick of hearing it. He is in a ton of sports and activities - which I am all for cuz bordem equals trouble with him - but I'm wondering how his social life will be the older he gets. They older they all get the more the differences will stand out and the crueler kids get. I so worry about the social part of this cuz I work at a high school and I see all the "groups" and where our kids fit in. And it's hard to know what it will be like when they get there cuz each situation seems so individual. I have yet to notice any sort of pattern at the high school age as to where thay fit in and how many friends they have and if they are still picked on. But is scares me - teen years are hard enough, you practically have to be Superman or just born into the right "group" to make it thru with your sanity. And, of course, living in a very small town doesn't help cuz everyone knows in one way or another. I just hope that they all make it thru school cuz in all reality the goal is to be a good person. That's all we can hope for.

I too live in a small town, unfortunately. They all deny any wrong doing of their children, it is always someone else's. And even though the pharmacy sells out of concerta and I need to drive to another town to refill it, noone else has adhd but mine 

They all sit in church on Sunday, but gossip the other 6 days of the week. Very hypocritical.

I too was upset about the social stigma on my son with no birthday invites, play dates, etc. but I blame the parents. The kids would come to school and talk about the parties. Mine would say why didn't you invite me and they would say we didn't have enough room. It sure broke my heart, thinking back it still does.

He too had his "friends tell on him" but in reality, it was these kids that were doing the bad things, they just learned that everyone would think my son did it and they could get away with it. The teacher figured it out real quick, thank goodness! Make sure they aren't doing that to your son.

goinnutz is your son on meds. yet? We unfortunately didnot start until the end of 1st grade,when things got a lot worse socially for him. I had to start the meds to save his life, to be very honest with you! Medication is what made things so much better for him.

You know I used to get him involved in activities in other nearby towns so he could meet new kids and have a fresh start socially. It really helped his self esteem!

Now as he has gotten older, the parties have pretty much stopped, but they all hang out in sports and play great in school/recess, so he has been pretty much accepted by the boys. I also believe that since we acted early, the kids forgot!

He no longer hangs around with the ones he "thought"were his friends, the ones who blamed him for their doings, which is for the better. They are all the true trouble makers.

I recommend addressing this with your son ASAP, this way he will not be labeled for ever. I cannot change the hypocritical adults, but the kids are more important for my son's sake!

I have so been in your shoes, hang in there. These boards are my salvation most days/nights!

Keep us informed!

Regards,

Beth

At the younger ages, friends certainly do come from the parents more than the kids themselves.  And parents can be so much more judgemental of the kids than the kids are. 

When my son was young, I watched the kids at group events and looked for kids who I felt also had so social issues and approached the parents about playdates.  They also wanted their kids to have more friends so they were thrilled.  These kids are my son's close friends, even 6 years later, and the parents are now my closest friends.

I do feel bad however that in kindergarten kids are getting excluded.  When my son was in kindergarten, all the kids were invited to birthday parties, or at least all the same sex kids.

As parents of special kids, we have a radar to find those other kids and take them in.  When my son was in preschool, there was one child with cerebral palsey in his class and I was the only parent to set up a playdate with that boy and invite him to a birthday party.  So sad.

I like the idea that he can gain positive social confidence in other venues.  not that you have to take him awat under the cover of night or something.

just that he may benefit from other social situations like art classes with other kids. swimming ,music , karate , art , book clubs lotsa activities with parks an libraries. since youre already going out of town to get meds see what other nearby towns offer for extra ciricular (sp) sports are great ,but sometimes a slower pace make an environment easier to make friends. OR dare i say    get  a class for kids started in your town yourself . in an   if intrested please contact ###-#### perhaps you may be clued into some other parents that are looking for activities too even if a class never actually gets started.these other classes could be used as good choice reminders   before he puts himself up to no good for kids that he knows arent his friends but they're the only ones available so he trying to be social, but going along with bad choices.

just trying to help

Sammo39167.1830439815

I know that it has been a while since anyone was on this post, but I am new to this forum, and very excited to have stumbled upon it!

I have a 12yo son in 6th grade (middle school) and it is SOOO ROUGH!  I have cried so many times out of pure frustration and utter sadness...the kids are so mean to my son.  He is on Concerta and does so much better than when he was not on the meds, but he is very socially immature...he is smart, has a great memory, but says and does things that are not socially acceptable.  I try to give him other things to say or just nicely try to tell him not to say certain things, but it is not only the things that he says, but the way that he says them.  He also could care less about his appearance and hygiene.  Does anyone else deal with this?  I am sure that this contributes to the problems...He has  a few friends, but doesn't ever hang out with them outside of school.  I have tried to encourage "play dates", but when other kids do come over, he sits and plays video games the whole time and completely ignores them.  My biggest concern tho, is the meaness of the other kids at school.  They say things to him and there have been a few that have tried to hurt him physically.  (we have talked to the school).  I sometimes think that he doesn't notice - or that he doesn't really care what others think or do, but then on the other hand I worry so much that he just keeps his feelings inside and he must be so torn up inside.

thanks for letting me vent!  this is a great forum - I am so glad to know that I am not alone in this!

God Bless you all!

Hi tighsma! I have a 9 year old boy who has had some social difficulties, like it seems like adhd'ers. My son is also immature socially. Things are a lot better, but I worry about Middle School all the time! We have one more year and then head up

I find my son isn't interested in any after school playdates, but likes computer and video games, and sports. We have playing a sport each season and this way he is interacting with all the boys from school in town. I thought that the kids are so busy with sports and homework that playdates don't really happen, I may be wrong.

I also found in the past that he seemed oblivious to other kids cruel "comments" . A teacher said to me once and I want to pass it to you that if your son seems not to notice, take comfort in that, it is protecting him from having his feelings hurt. At times when my son doesn't notice "things" I do remind myself of what the teacher said. It makes ME feel better.

I do agree that your son may NOT care, and that is good too! He probably doesn't think much of these other kids.

What I don't understand is why do they want to hurt them? Keep the school informed of ALL things like this, they NEED to know. We are in constant communications with the school over any bullying comments.

I also find comfort in these boards, I hope you do too!

Regards,

Beth

Hey goinnutzz, We didn't start meds until the end of his first grade year. I was afraid, to be honest with you. My husband was more afraid!

And the only regret I have is that we didn't start sooner so to prevent all the labeling that occurred into first grade as well.

I feel bad for these adhd children who have no self control but get punished for it. They don't mean to do it, some like mine, don't even realize they do it, but they do!

The medication helps control my son's impulsiveness and hyperactivity. It also helps him to self regulate because he cannot do these things on his own.

It also allows him to have a successful day at school, as well as at home. His self esteem is great now because he is not in trouble at both places. He can join in with after school activities, live his life, etc. without getting into trouble.

Now granted, I always watch him, and talk with him- he is almost 10- because he understands, but his life is pretty normal for having severe adhd.

His report card came home on Thursday A's in math and Science, B+ social studies (really hard teacher) and B's in reading and writing. He is exceeding the school's expectations in both math and science.

This would NEVER happen without his medications. I always say, medication has saved his life, and it truly has!

I feel like I have become an advocate for medication, but when it is taken by those who need it, under a doctors care and the right evaluation, it does so many positive things. It is a shame that there are so many who are suffering unnecessarily, especially the children who don't have a say in getting the correct help

I have just read this thread and so understand what everyone is going through.  My 14 year old suffers from severe anxiety / ADHD and has just gone back to school after suffering his second breakdown in 2 years.  I homeschooled him for 4 months while he "rested" taking a break from the outside world.  His specialists didn't want him to go back but he needed to jump back in - with support from teachers.  He is older than those in his class (he has repeated) but is the smallest by far.  Puberty is nowhere near and he is very socially clueless.  One specialist strongly believes he is ASD. 

Anyway success in any area is important.   Finding the area is key!!!  Our son is into warhammer.  Making silly little figures, painting them and then going to war games with people who are exactly the same as him!!!!!  They have something to talk about and are interested in each other.  Not the thing I would have picked myself but he found it!!!! 

Finding one friend at school is good.  Invite them home for a few hours - suggest before hand things to do.  Relating to one child is alot easier than a group.  My son has found 2 kids who are quite nice kids - a little goofy, immature and funny enough also past victims of bullying. 

A friend of mine who had a child that had huge problems at school had her kids take a book to read.  My son is far too active for this, but he has a tennis ball and yo yo to occupy his spare on his own times. 

Good luck.   Kids are cruel.