You have a volleyball named Winston? uh... we'll get back to that. First, I am in no position to dispense advice on dealing with unreasonable 'significant others' as I have not learned to reason with mine yet...31 years later. I did however discover a significant substitute for dealing with her, its dealing with myself.
I found that alot of the drama surrounding my relationships with others is intensified by my own thoughts on the matter. You see, I don't just do my thinking, I start thinking what others are thinking, and then go on to figure out why they think of me like that and what will they do or say if I react this way or that. Lets say I'm having a bad day. I get home from work where my boss chewed me out for my bad attitude...{really he just told me to stop ignoring my co-workers and try to be part of the team, but in my mind, I twist his suggestion into an attack on my character...I'm no dummy! Then, while I'm all bummed out sulking over that, my wife get the impression that I hate comming home to her and says, "your tired of me aren't you"? "Your not listening to me, don't you love me"? As if my troubles were not enough, now my wife is accusing me of being insincere, probably thinks I'm getting some on the side... and again, my own thinking takes what is probably my wife's insecurity and twists it into my wife's mistrust of me.
So its easy to see how my misunderstanding others stems from my abillity to think what they think, to know why they think it, to predict how they will react, and while all this hell breaks loose the other person(s) involved could be laboring under the same misconceptions that plauge me. But I've learned a valuable lesson from all this thinking. I have shut alot of doors in my past because of the pain my thinking brought me, and waded through the painfully ugly torment of my own self pity. People get turned off by this kind of stuff. I myself have caught me avoiding certain people who are negative or pessamistic as they tend to bring me down. Then, I start imagining why they are that way... they must enjoy being depressed because they just don't listen to me.
Remember at the start how you said "I feel like I'm socially blind, but haven't got to work around it and the cumulated pain makes me pretty deaf to any criticism". ? Then near the end you critisized your husband because, " He knows my struggle with ADHD, but I think over the years, even my positive responses fall on deaf ears." Consider the idea that maybe some culminated pain, whether real or imagined, has affected his hearing as well.
This does not mean to say your thinking is the only thing wrong, but your thinking is the only thing that ties you to a commitment to be punnished unfairly, thats wrong. Always remember, if you do your best to be sincere and offer the best you that you can at any given time, then what others say is not on you, its between their ears. Good luck, keep in touch. KIDD
welcome sociallyblind. you are n the right place...
good self revelation rock...i'm your twin bro.
social; i have learned that any time i
m upset, i have to look at my part. so, if this is true for everyone (debatable) your husbands upsetness w/ ;your positive talk IS HIS problem.
have you read delivered from distraction...it was and is a great comfort to me and many newly dxed.
best wishes.
p.s.
when arguments get worse, maybe its time to have a radical new committment to a non confrontive communication style...like "when you ....., I feel.....
there are many techniques for establishing healthy communication with rules, boundaries and consequences. research it get an agreemnet to follow them and hang on to em for deaar life.
I am learning that my lack of social skills and thin skin - just as you describe, do not mean i am a bad person.
h
Dear Mrs. Socially,
I have raised two rough kids. My 30 Year old son has a couple semesters to go to graduate College, and a couple more tenths of percentange points on his GPA to increase.
How old are your children? I have taken parenting courses with my wife, seems to coordinate our language. How old are your children?
I recently got some tapes and DVD's on parenting off the internet. Seeme like good stuff. I like Gary Smalley.
nanannan,
Thanks. Old "sayings" stay true eh? Yeah, I think I've heard it before. Never understood it quite right until you pointed it out. I think I'm getting it. Other people are like mirrors of our inner images. It reflects what we see in us... I guess that's the gist.. Talmud offers timeless insight into understanding the "laws" and people, but even it's translated in modern English, my attention span lasts only until the 3rd phrase of the two people arguing logics. The scholars interpret, but sometimes I wish I could understand even a bit of it myself.
SociallyBlind39115.6611458333integrtydispair,
>good self revelation rock...i'm your twin bro.
Thanks twin bro! I'm glad I wasn't the only person in the world feeling this way. It's nice to know that there are others out there, facing the same trials like I do. Some say misery loves company, I say facing challenges with a company is better than facing them alone.
>delivered from distraction
I don't know if I read it. I read a few AD/HD books but can't remember the title. I didn't find any of them particularly useful. But I did get one year subscription of an ADD magazine, which I found helpful. It wasn't just for an adult with ADD, but advice to raising kids with ADHD I applied (or least tried to) myself. Maybe "delivered from distraction" is one book that is helpful. I'll check it out. thanks!
> i have learned that any time im upset, i have to look at my part. so, if this is true for everyone (debatable) your husbands upsetness w/ ;your positive talk IS HIS problem.
That's a good observation. I scream in my mind"it ain't fair, he ain't fair..". And all I'm probably doing is trying to change his perspective w/o looking into my part. But if it's also his problem, I can't solve it for him. I can't change him. I've gotta let it go.. It's hard though.. esp. in the middle of an argument. Communication skills. You are right. I should try I feel instead of You are.. It sounds more centered and not as offensive.
>I am learning that my lack of social skills and thin skin - just as you describe, do not mean i am a bad person.
That's an encouragement. I'm not a bad person. I'm a good person. Positive reinforcement.
Thanks, twin-bro! T
Dear Otter,
I enjoyed reading your comments. You offer a lot of good practical advice. I didn't know that he had a course, so I searched the web and whoala, there it was. The course I found are expensive but they had a free download of a golden book, so I did that. The scientology class.. Even though it's somewhat less expensive than the Dale Carnegie class, frankly, I'm afraid to try. I'm biased especially b/c of how Tom Cruise has been acting.
>For your husband, active listening is repeating back what the person says. Heard it called DRIVE THRU LISTENING. You repeat back what the person said, maybe paraphrasing the implications, and confirm that you heard exactly what he said. He says "There are dirty dishes in the sink." Your active listening,drive through response, "Dishes in the sink need washing, rinsing, and drying". "I don't have time, you do the dishes tonight!" is not Drive Thru Listening.<
This is awesome!! Why didn't I think of that. It's easy, b/c I'm basically rephrasing him. It's funny b/c I think I want him to drive through listen to me. It'll certainly reduce a lot of frustration and correct some misunderstanding. Can you tell that my husband and I speak English, but they are not the same language...
Kabosch thing.. You mean like caboche, dickkopf, thickhead? Putting a stop on things?
>Do you have difficulty trying to form habits to do things in ways that are compatiable with your husband's systems?
Yeah I do. Especially in terms of socialization skills/habits. I lack the diplomatic social skills. Fun things. We should do more, I suppose. We like outdoor stuff like skiing, swimming, hiking, camping. So summer is great. During the winter, tho', we had initially set up every Friday as a date night. But it's a balance with how much money to spend. It adds up. So we just go to nearby bookstores and treat ourselves latte while reading magazines for free :D. Do you have kids? It's hard to not revolve around kids, isn't it?
SociallyBlind39115.6419212963Dear KIDD_ROCK4444,
Sorry for the delay in the response. I had to come out of my cave of misery before responding somewhat legibly.
>You have a volleyball named Winston?
Ah.. It may have been Wilson. My brain is toasted .. :(
Thanks for the example with your work and wife. I get that what you are trying to say is it's the perception/thinking problem. It also takes some selfconfidence, though. You come across like a real confident guy. Darn, wish I had that. Maybe I do too much negative talk to myself, don't know. But yeah, the part where you said the difference between the insecurity vs mistrust was vivid. I could relate to that. It's hard for me to see things from my husband's perspective, I suppose. But it doesn't mean that I'm selfish. I try real hard to be sincere, and when things are well, it's great. But once someone criticizes me, I get SOO down. I didn't even realize I was doing "think, sulk and sink" thing! I'm real glad that you told me that you had done it, too, and came out of it, else I'd feel like a hopeless fool in a pitiful sense. I think 'tho, there is a difference b/w feeling down and feeling self-pity; feeling self-pity comes from lack of self-esteem. I Now that you pointed that out, I felt self-pity. "Cast me away with my Wilson ball..............." Your avoiding people who are negative and bring you down, I understand. I wanted to avoid myself. I think I know it's a turn off, so I don't say it to others, except for this very public place where the whole world can read. It's great to be anonymous... And yeah I never thought that my husband could've become "deaf" from all the pain he felt. Hm. got me thinking differently.
Thanks!
Dear Socially,
Welcome aboard.
I work on phrases for handling difficult situations.
I have taken the Dale Carnegie course, and found it helpful. Also the Scientology Communications course is some 0.00, and teaches how to politely avoid asking questions that you should probably avoid answering, and responsive listening.
For your husband, active listening is repeating back what the person says. Heard it called DRIVE THRU LISTENING. You repeat back what the person said, maybe paraphrasing the implications, and confirm that you heard exactly what he said. He says "There are dirty dishes in the sink."
Your active listening,drive through response, "Dishes in the sink need washing, rinsing, and drying".
The Fast Food drive thru worker mostly repeats your words back to you. You say, "One Cheeseburger with mayonaise." The dirve thru worker says, in a scratchy voice, "One Cheseburger wtih mayonaise, .75"
"I don't have time, you do the dishes tonight!" is not Drive Thru Listening.
Set aside a time for discussing issues. I make it a rule in my house not to discuss issues in the house. I simply acknowledge issues and offer a time to discuss the issues. Maybe out for lunch, or dinner. In the home, I try to have a pleasant atmosphere.
What do you do for fun wtih your husband? I should do more fun things with my wife.
Do you have difficulty trying to form habits to do things in ways that are compatiable with your husband's systems? My wife enjoys throwing in the Kabosch. That is, close to throwing a monkey wrench into the gears to jam up all systems.
.
Otter39114.7506481481[QUOTE=integrtydispair]p.s.
when arguments get worse, maybe its time to have a radical new committment to a non confrontive communication style...like "when you ....., I feel.....
there are many techniques for establishing healthy communication with rules, boundaries and consequences. research it get an agreemnet to follow them and hang on to em for deaar life.
I am learning that my lack of social skills and thin skin - just as you describe, do not mean i am a bad person.
h
[/QUOTE] The Talmud has a saying, "We do not see things as they are; we see things as we are," or something quite similar.Here's another one that might apply to us -- "When you're going through hell, keep on going." I believe Winston Churchill said that one.Dear Mr. Otter,
I tried the drive through listening and it worked like a miracle!!! My goodness. It was one piece of practical advice I needed. I was trying not to sound like a parrots but in the process, it got me put myself in his shoes. And he said he was glad that I understood him!! It was amazing how a little trick does a whole lot!
>I have raised two rough kids. My 30 Year old son has a couple semesters to go to graduate College, and a couple more tenths of percentange points on his GPA to increase.
You've raised not only one but two rough kids, eh? Do they also have AD/HD? Your son..I really hope that he finishes off to graduation. The sense of accomplishment and the renewed confidence will be a great stepping stone for the new challenge to come. Unfortunately we have not been successful in having children. I'm in the middle of getting medical(?) evaluations. But everything already revolves around the future kids; where I should take the next jobs (cuz I keep getting fired), where we live, etc etc. And that I'm taking ritalin so if I do get pregnant must I quit ritalin and put my life on hold... Anyway, one step at a time. First my perpetual problems of lack of social and the communication skills... Life is never boring..
>I recently got some tapes and DVD's on parenting off the internet. Seeme like good stuff. I like Gary Smalley.
I read a book called the Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I felt it was a bit idealistic, nonetheless found it refreshing. But I don't think she had anything on life revolving kids. Never heard of Gary Smalley so I googled him. His methods(?) are also religious belief based, isn't it? I think people do acknowledge that religon or faith-based approach is effective in many aspects of life. (I don't have any statistical evidence off hand, but that's an impression I get.) Thanks again!
Socially Blind
SociallyBlind39116.6566550926Dear Socially,
I have been working on the books by Eggereichs. He has a website with movie shorts of his conferences and ideas.
I got the Love and Respect book from the library. Had to get on a waiting list.
http://www.loveandrespect.com/
How is it going?
.
Otter39134.8872800926nanannan,
That's so funny. Really Churchillian!
Senr Otter,
How are you? I'm amazed by the resources that you have. Where did you get all these infos on counselors and books?? Since you had to be on the waiting list in the library, it must be popular.. Or at least one other person knows about it ;) I've been a bit busy. Keeping my mouth shut, quite frankly. Learning to listen than talk.
Thanks, Socially
ToSociallyBlind: Glad to know that someone else besides me appreciates old Winston. Some of his comments are so wise Nanannan