Social Un-Fairness | ADHD Information
I'm a human being! I have the right to get angry just as anyone else does!!! Why does nobody give me any fairness? I have that right to vent just like everyone else!!!!Why does everyone else think it's OK to lie to me, and get angry at me, but if I get angry at someone for what they did to me, then people act like it's MY problem and I'm not supposed to get mad? On top of that, I get accused of lies when I'm, not lying!
Also I HATE liars, because they lie to manipulate others into doing what they want! But if I call someone out on their lie, they say I shouldn't get mad, and it's no big deal!
I feel people try to lower me on the pecking order, and I'm not allowed to do the same things others can do.
I'm an adult, but most of all, a human being, and I have ambition to accomplish things in my life, why do people try to put me on a lower level than they are all the time.
In school, some students would do stuff right in front of the teachers, but I would get in trouble if I did the same things they did, like talking in class for example.
My wife will get furious and pissed at me for simple conversation about stuff not even to do with her, (she always thinks I'm implying something) but she acts like I'm not supposed to get mad at her for MAJOR stuff like headlice and financial abuse!
Is there some type of thing that allows you to stand your ground and have the same rights other people do?ADHDinsane39118.4730439815
Yup. There is a thing that allows you to stand your ground and have the same rights other people do. Its called integrity. With your integrity you will develope a kean sense of self esteme and self worth that will allow you to know intuitively that what other people say about your motives in life, your place in line of the pecking order, its all between their ears and not on you... unless you allow it to eat your cheerios or allow it to eat you up inside. Sometimes fairness isn't given to us, we have to take it. For example; If your wife gets her panties all in a wad because you say something and she takes it and twists it around to sound like you meant something else, then you in turn become frustrated, feeling misunderstood you go into a convulsion trying to explain what you meant, but she'll have no part of it as her mind is already made up as she turns away and leaves you stuttering over explainations like a little kid caught in a lie. So your misunderstood, and punishing yourself by stressing to change their point of view to prove your on the level. Now, with integrity - (integrity- rigid adherence to a code of behavior/ the state of being unimpared: soundness.)- You lose the need to defend yourself because you already know your ok.
And there have been many times when I thought people were trying to put me in the low end of the pecking order, which may or may not have been the case, but in my mind they were and that makes it real for me. Once, a guy began accusing me of having alterior motives for the work I do. He went on and on, loudly so the whole room could here his opinion on who I was and what I do and why I do it. After he finnished spraying me like a fat wrestler challenging his opponant, red faced he drew in one last breath and said "did you hear me"? I calmly looked him in the eyes and said, "what you are shouts so loud, I can't hear a word you say". The people listening broke out into hysterical laughter and the whole matter fizzled out to nothing, which is just what it was, nothing. Had this same thing taken place 5 years erlier, I would have been writing this from a prison cell for murdering a guy who was trying to assasinate my character. I used to spend... or I should say, waste a great deal of time and effort on protecting myself from others opinions and totally neglect the greatest weapon I had, my integrity and the peace of mind that tells me it don't matter what they think, thats between their ears, not on me.
Oh, and your signature about sobriety sucks? It does indeed. It sucked all the uselessness and feelings of self pity out of me and replaced them with integrity and self esteem. My work I spoke of above, where the guy attacked my character, I was signing court slips at an AA meeting. Thats where I learned the advantage and supreme stratagy of being quick to hear, but slow to speak and slow to wrath.
KIDD_ROCK
I have read some of your posts and considering what youv'e been through I have to commend you on your resilence to being brought down. You seem to have put life in the right perspective.
If your not careful someone might confuse you with a role model.
So if people are being stupid, instead of trying to defend myself, just act like they are stupid for acting that way instead of letting it bother me? I want to do that, however it's easier said than done. I'm not sure if it's the ADHD, or just me.The example about my wife twisting things around just opened up some meaning for me, and I'll use that to overcome manipulation from others.
I feel I have integrity, but I don't completely understand it. I believe in treating other people fairly, being unselfish, and not trying to hurt others, even though people don't do the same for me.
Some issues I have is that I have been lied to all my younger years about what is right and wrong, and was sober most of my life until about 5 years ago when I started smoking pot and drinking, and this last year, I have been using Weed and AdderallXR to give me peace of mind, and my ADHD and my health makes it hard for me to be sober, believe me, I've tried and tried. I feel like I'm mentally losing it (insane) if I am not on something every so often.
Thanks for your replies! Anyone else have any input on this? I'M SURE other people here are having the same or similar problem.
If people are trying to twist things around, do I say, "you're an idiot" or do it another way? The "I can't hear you" thing does sound good though.ADHDinsane39119.4630787037People do these kinds of things to me all the time. They try to make me believe that when "I" get upset...or if "I" try to call people out on their shady behavior they act like I am off my rocker. This is even when others were standing around witnessing the arguments. I am generally a very quiet person, but if someone calls me stupid or even try to imply that my issue is unjustified (even if I have evidence to my case) it will make me angry.
What I think KIDD is saying is that if when they start attacking your character if you defend yourself you could be acknologing their argument that your character might need to be in question.
The key to when and when not to defend your character is in descerning if the other person is truly trying to twist things to their advantage or are they objective and just ignorant. When its obvious your wife is twisting things, just refuse to argue with her and walk away if you need to (this isn't a sign of weakness its actually a sign of personal strength), if she follows leave the house. By denying her an argument when she just wants to argue is the best (and sometimes hardest) tactic to deny her satisfaction and possibly make you feel better. Nothing is served by feeding into a person that simply wants to argue for the simple satisfaction of arguing. Set yourself a rule that you will not argue with her when she is twisting things, and stick by your rule (which is where intergity comes into play.) This will give you satisfaction after you see the results, and then in turn dignity. People can only tear you down inside if you give them the power to do so.
Ultimately, feeling secure with who you are is the greatest tool in being an accomplished wordsmith. I know this is easier said than done but knowing yourself and having a good self image keeps many of those things from bothering you. I am not saying I have the best self image, I just had the advantage of being born a smartass.
Master manipulators can make you feel wrong when you are right.
It also sounds like she knows the right buttons to push to get you mad. If your not willing to lower yourself to fighting on her level then don't. Just deny her a sparing partner,or if you want to get in there and verbally, I repeat verbally, kick her ass then read on.
I was once like you. The nice guy, who wanted everyone to get along and everyone to like me. Morally thats a good thing, but in practice we don't all play nice in the real world. In the real world people like that are treated as weak and like you said placed in a pecking order. You can either learn to ignore them because thats their opinion of you and not necessarily true or you can learn their game and beat them at it. Either way no one has power over you unless you give it to them.
----Warning----- reading beyond this point may not be the most moral advice and will probably start you on a path to the dark side, but it might help you stand up for yourself.
You need to approach this as a game she is playing, and with all games there are rules and strategies. Right now she knows both better than you. Learn the ways that converations are controlled so that you can spot and counter their attack. Learn what your emotional triggers are so you can keep them defended. Learn to intimidate subtely without being threatening. Snappy comebacks are good, but I'm not sure thats something that can be taught. Facial responses and body posturing are also very effective tools if you aren't good with snappy come backs. Like Kidd said be slow to speak. Respond back when YOU see fit not when they see fit. If you reply when they want you to then they are then controlling you. Theres nothing wrong with taking time to think about what you want to say (unless its a snappy comeback) Waiting can make you seem more in control of your emotions and show strong character. If you are going to wait a few seconds to respond then you need to use the appropriate facial expressions. Just don't wait too long. Learn how to spot a lie, and learn how to lie (not to lie but more to learn how to use a poker face.) Like in any physical game, keep in mind where your boundries are at all times. I would bet even your wife has certian boundries she won't cross.
Above all, in the world of verbal sparing, never say "your stupid, or shutup." That just screams out "I just lost my argument."
Here is my personal favorite comeback. Whenever someone unloads on you wait patiently until they are through and just look at them and say with conviction "Jesus so loves you". Of course this is only if you want to be a smartass. Most employers aren't going to wright you up for saying "Jesus loves you" either. Its not that I'm that religious, its more in the fact they know any higher power wouldn't agree with their behaivor, oh and feel free to insert any deity (in case you feel the need to make non-christians mad too.) then you can be a smartass in any language.
Well thats all I better say for now. Can't give all my secrets away. We might get in an argument someday. 
I don't know.. I don't have the answers.. just speculation and I too am trying to work through this issue.
[QUOTE=Reizende]People do these kinds of things to me all the time. They try to make me believe that when "I" get upset...or if "I" try to call people out on their shady behavior they act like I am off my rocker. This is even when others were standing around witnessing the arguments. I am generally a very quiet person, but if someone calls me stupid or even try to imply that my issue is unjustified (even if I have evidence to my case) it will make me angry. [/QUOTE]
I have to ask if you are addressing me, because one thing I have never been accused of is having class.
Adhd , I've watched your posts over a long time and you seem to have 2 personalities. Do you have a problem with alcohol ? I know I'm being blunt but I need to be direct otherwise this post will go on forever. I don't beat around the bush. Sometimes you are very creepy .If you drink and do stupid things people will not forget and use it against you. It also makes people loose respect for you and distrust you. I've seen these things with my sister and her relationships went to hell. (she is dry now)
She was always trying to fix her errors and ended up kissisng a** out of guilt. And her self-confidence started to suffer.People used her weakness and guilt for their own means.
If this is not the problem then maybe you choose to hang around a**holes do to low self-esteem,ignorance or both. ? Maybe you are a poor judge of character ?
But anyways, everyone has some good advice and Parduse and Kidd are right on target.
When your " nice side" comes out you seem like a warm,caring and intelligent guy.
worldisround39121.0065277778
World has a good point about dual personalities. When I was younger I had 2 personas (SP) One personality was the guy who my parents wanted me to be, classy, curtious, intellectual, tasteful, and responsible. The other was the relaxed me that didn't do any of that stuff. I switched between these persona's acording to my environment. I think I unknowingly idolized my parents and their opinion of me. The problem wasn't that my parents expected to much out of me, it was that I expected to much out of me. In trying so hard to make people like me, and think good of me I lost touch with who I really am. Through time I saw that I really am classy, curtious, intellectual, tasteful, and responsible. I was just using bad coping skills and not setting the proper emotional barriers. After much time of soul searching I realized that I have to be who I am. I try to make the right decisions but if I anger somebody because I am not willing to overstep healthy bounderies or unwilling to take ownership of someone elses problems then that is their problem, not mine.
I am a people pleaser who often sacrifices my own wants and needs to make others happy. My ADHD has gotten in the way of me developing good coping skills.
The relavence here is that it sounds to me that you are possibly a people pleaser too and your miserable and don't know why. Ask yourself if you are drinking and abusing drugs to dull the pain of your situation. I think its easy for us ADHDer's to take on more emotionally and physically than we should. If any of this sounds firmiliar then maybe its time you took some time to make yourself better. Its not selfish to look out for your own health ahead of other peoples problems. In fact if your trying to fix your marriage and you need work on your coping skills then you are putting the cart before the horse.
During a time not so long ago I was trying to fix my marriage but I wasn't addressing my own coping skills. Without knowing where my boundries should be I was taking on more than my share of the responsiblility of my, then, failing marriage. I was willing to let myself be convinced certian problems were mine and willing to give my wife the benifit of the doubt because I didn't know any better. My happiness in my marriage has only recently taken a turn because I have started addressing my own coping skills.
This may not be you completely but I sense at least some of it applies.
Gosh how can you guys say things so pleasantly ?I wish i could formulate it like that.
My husband has this "nice" but to the point also.
Teach me !!
That's how I would want to be talked to.Some people just have class and charisma on this forum.