My son's school does a charity collection every week. If he brings more than a certain amount (about / 12 rand) he gets a star on his chart. So I gave him 12 rand today to give to charity, and two rand for tuck as well as his proper lunch.
So I fetch him from school, and he's bought a necklace for himself, Milo (a milk drink) as well as a rose. His maths isn't too good - he tells me he gave his charity but spent two rand on the necklace, another two on the Milo and three on the rose (for me). After unsuccessfully trying to fit seven rand into the two rand hole I say to him, just tell me the truth, did you give charity? He goes quiet and says no, he only gave two rand to charity. (at least he gave something I guess) So I tell him, okay, I'm not cross just disappointed. I told him it's ME givng the charity, he's just the messenger and he's got no right to spend it like that. To his credit he is very ashamed of himself.
And I told him I don't care how he does it he has to earn ten rand for next week's collection, I'm not giving it to him and I'm not mentioning it again but there will be trouble if he doesn't have it.
And I'm going to show him pictures of starving children, as I don't think he really gets what the charity is for.
I'm disappointed that he did it, as honesty is one of my top priorities. Also that the temptation of spending the money outweighed the tempation of stars on his chart)
Any other suggestions?
Gutsy39122.2334375He is still quite young isn't he? I think it is a learning process, and you have done a very good job of teaching him this lesson....it sounds like you stayed (relatively) calm, and explained to him that you were disappointed, and why.
He knows that he should have given the money to charity as you asked him, and hopefully he will get busy earning back the money he spent. Since he is ashamed of himself, I think he gets it.
Tell him that you do appreciate the rose he bought for you, but it is harder for you to enjoy it knowing how it was bought, and that if he wants something he doesn't have quite enough money for....he has to save his money (just as you do) until he has enough to buy it with his pocket money.
Yeah, he is only eight. I actually see the funny side of it, and did stay calm. I've learned one thing with him, shouting and screaming just demotivates him completely and puts my blood pressure through the roof. Far better to rationally explain things. He understands now and I showed him some (not too shocking) pics of hungry children and explained to him what happens to the money the school gets and how it helps children like the one I showed him. When I asked him what he thought happened to it he said he thought they spent it on the school. So I explained the system and now he knows that our ten rand can have a direct result for a hungry child or animal, as in a meal, and I don't think he will do it again. It's a life lesson for him.I totally agree that we need to model charity for our children, but I don't get the stars on the chart as a motivator. I'd be willing to bet that there are children in the class who can't really afford to give even to charity, who can't get a sticker. Hmmmm. I also agree that eight is very young, so maybe instead of giving money, which seems to be an insurmountable temptation, maybe he could sort out his room and donate his out-grown toys to a local women's shelter or children's hospital? If he doesn't care about the sticker, this might mean more to him.
I loved the way you handled him. My children are almost 9 (boy ADHHHHHHHHHHHD) and 6(girl, relatively normal excepts somedays I think she already has hormone issues, lol) As is common with this age everything is about them and our society and commercalism makes it no better, every advertisement is an I want this or Mom I need that. So what we started doing to give back was like BPQW suggested. We are in a very small rural area so I tried to get a little imaginative on showing them what actual need was. We drove into some really sad areas where people basically lived in little lean to type houses. very poor areas and the kids were actually affected by this. We also had a new family join our church with children ranging from 4 to teenagers. My kids were shocked that they didn't have gameboys or pokemon cards. I think they were able to process this better because it was so visual. So now we have a clean the room time especially around christmas, birthdays etc.. When they start to get into the greedy frame of mind I try to reverse it by reminding them of what others don't have. At least four times a year we go through rooms and collect toys that they no longer play with or even ones they are willing to just give up.
I know have children who still go through the I wants and I needs, very normal, but they now realize they have so much more than many and look forward to clean out time. We will bag it up and take it usually to the womens safety shelter which they visited and spoke to kids there. They are eager to bring stuff because they know a lot of times those kids had to leave behind everything. We also have a local charity collection place and I let my kids be the ones who decide what goes where. There was a house fire not too long ago that effected kids in their school so my son decided it was time to not only clean out the toys, but he and I went through their closets too, and he even parted with his nintendo 64 that he never plays with.
All of this rambling has a reason, not just a brag section, though I am proud of them. I think making them the ones in charge, letting them see that their actions made a difference was the key.
[QUOTE=BPQW]I totally agree that we need to model charity for our children, but I don't get the stars on the chart as a motivator. I'd be willing to bet that there are children in the class who can't really afford to give even to charity, who can't get a sticker. [/QUOTE]
Yeah I was a little taken aback by it. It's a positive reinforcement thing though, they can immediately see that giving does bring rewards. As I understand it everyone who does bring any money at all gets at least one sticker.
We are moving soon so we are planning a clear out / donation session and again I hope tihs makes him understand what the point of giving is. I always remember something Princess Diana did which made a huge impact on me, even though I was also just a kid at the time.
When her boys were little she took them to the slums and made sure they knew they were privileged and others weren't. She taught them that they were fortunate in their position and could help others - and look at all the good work they are doing now. I know Harry does a lot of great work in Africa. She would be proud. This is what I want my sons to understand too. That we are fortunate enough to help others.