Despret mom seeking advice, suggestions | ADHD Information

Jo-D, first thank you for sharing your story with me. I don't want Kevin, when he is older, to think the things I felt I had to do to help him grow into a productive adult, were done as revenge or just to be a b@#ch. It is helpful to hear your story, and gives me hope that maybe one day he'll understand where I was coming from. I have told both of my boys that there are things that I do, as far as raising them, that they probably won't understand until they are parents themselves. Hearing your story, and that you understand where your mama was coming from puts my heart at some ease.

I can't pretend that I am not ashamed about the things I did during my teenage years but I believe in my heart that God is allowing me to use this experience to help others. I remember my younger brother by 5 years and thought to myself, of course after I was out of the "It's all about me" phase and thought that it was all worth it. Because of what I did he never wanted to touch alcohol/drugs and was very open with his feelings instead of bottling them up. I truly pray that you will reach your son, because my heart aches for him, having been there myself. Not to be preachy but just remember next to Gods love which is perfect and mothers love is one of the strongest things. In that notebook if you decide to do it, even if there is nothing you need to say that day, just tell him how much you love him and how much you believe in him. That makes the world of difference. Trust me I know.

momonamission, I haven't had the chance to see him yet to say anything to him about doing this (I might have to email him lol). You're idea to try to have him meet the family is great. I guess our telepathy wasn't working on that one lol. Thanks.

Some months ago, I had the opportunity to learn the power of a compliment. One of my supervisors is only 23 or 24. He is one of the best supes I've worked for in my entire life. Anyway, we had a new person start at our job. My supe, the newbie, and I were chit chatting. I was jokingly telling the newbie, 'oh he's just a supe, you don't really have to pay any attention to him' and stuff like that. I really meant it as a joke. My supe turned to the newbie without a pause and said 'If you ever need to study for a test, this who to go to to help you.' (I'd helped him study for an oral exam for our job). There was no way he could have made me feel worse than I did at that moment. Here I was trashing him, although jokingly, and he said nothing but great things about me. Thank you for reminding me about this.

I like too what you have written about your family- one 6y/o girl, one 8 y/o boy.. While it has been very challenging to raise 2 boys by myself, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I am currently reading an awsome book that explains ODD and has how to deal with it inside it is called "The Defiant Child a Parent's Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder" by Douglas A. Riley. He mostly in the book talks about the ODD teenager and explains their way of thinking. I am halfway through it. I have an ODD 6 year old girl so i feel your pain and yes I am terrified of the teen years.

If worse comes to worse do they have PINS Petitions where you live? A PINS petition is "persons in need of supervision" when teens or kids are out of control and will not listen to parents. It would be like pressing charges against your son and he would have to answer to not just you but a judge and the judge after hearing you out will order him to listen or will place him in a juvenile place where he would have to follow the rules and will receive counseling etc. It is my future plan if all else fails.

momonamission, we must have telepathy or something (lol). He came home at some point last Wednesday and did the dishes. Took his own initiatve, and just did them. The next chance I had to see him, I told him it was a great V-day present. This past weekend, he actually came home a couple of times. Granted it was in n out to eat n to shower, but usually, he doesn't show up at all. One of the times, he even kissed me before he left! I almost fainted lol.

Great idea about doing some community service. I've been kinda toying with working with Habitat for Humanity, helping them build a house, but hadn't thought about having Kevin come with. The upside to being ADHD, is that we are both very physical people (does that make sense?) Kevin seems to enjoy doing stuff with his hands too. Thanks for the idea.

I have had a hard time trying to figure out why I have been so confilcted about following thru on this contract, but you said something that made me realize why. I have always followed thru on the consequenses I "promised" with both of my boys, and I feel like I will be doing Kevin an injustice in the long run if I back out of this now. (I believe part of a parent's job is to prepare kids for the real world, and bosses, landlords, etc are going to tolerate so much, ADHD or not) But at the same time, I don't want Kevin to feel like I am abandoning him too. I thank you for helping me figure that out. With that knowledge, maybe now I can find some sort of middle ground, where he has to deal with the choices he made without feeling abandoned by me.

That is so great!!! Clap

I hope the good days multiply. Maybe we do have telepathy! LOL

If you had asked me for a suggestion, I was thinking Habitat. I used to volunteer for them myself. If he does it, it would be great if you could arrange for him to meet the family he is helping.I wish you all the best. I have been thru a lot with my son who is almost 16, diagnosed with ADHD age 4. I finally have him in a wonderful program that is turning his life around and giving me hope for a bright future for him. My story is at ellen.parentshelpingteens.comI can remember as a teenager how out of control I was, I was horrible to my mom and only thought about myself. How my life sucked, nothing was fair, etc... You know the normal teenage thoughts and destructive behaviours. I am only alive today by the grace of God. Things that I reflect back on now that made the most impact in my life was my mother's never ending faith in me and unconditional love. No matter what I did, even when I was cruel she said she loved me or complemented me. I know there are times when she really had to struggle to think of something positive to say, but she found something. I also know a turning point in my life was volunteering. I started doing a ride a long program with our local EMS, just as an observer. From there I volunteered at the children's ward and with hospice programs. I see now why my mother encouraged these things. I believed at that point in my life that I had gotten shafted. My dad died when I was an early teen and I just kinda took my anger out on me (the self destructive behavior) and everyone else. Like your son I fell with the wrong crowd and peer pressure was bad then, I can't imagine what it is like now. But those are some things that helped me. Another was my mom put me in a facility for teenagers with problems, some were drugs others were emotional. There they made you earn everything. From bathroom breaks to even getting to speak with friends and families. Now this is not the route for everyone, but between this and the volunteering which was part of my release condition it literally changed my life. I can now say at 31 that I am proud of who I am and what I have become. I hope with all my heart that your son can get to that point. Best wishes to you Hug

17 is a hard age. I started "going down hill" at 17, and I did not have ADHD. It took me getting pregnant at 22 to wake me up. I feel so bad for you. I know it's hard. My son is 10, with ADHD, and has already been caught stealing Pokemon cards from Walmart. I have tried reaching out to him, but all I can do is try. If I do everything I know to do for him, at least i won't have a guilty conscience. I am exhausted, going through this, so I know you must feel like you are about to "go over the edge". He really just may need a "wake up call" before he will turn his life around. I know it's scary. I will pray for you.

I am a single mom with a 17 y/o son who was diagnosed ADHD and Opposisitional Difiant. He was taking Stratera and Adderall, and was doing FABULOUS. He started hanging out about a year ago with the wrong kid, and quit taking his adderall about 4 months ago. Within the last month, he quit taking his Stratera. His life is going to hell. He got fired from his job. Grades are looking ok so far, but are declining. He waits until I go to bed to come home at night, and makes a rare appearence on the weekends.

I have told the boy's mother I DO NOT want my son over there. I might as well have been talking to the wind.

I have talked to the local police and was basicly told, there's not much legally I can do, as far as making him come home.

My son's father is in another state, remarried and had another son about a 1 1/2 years ago. He is non-existant in our son's life.

Around Christmas/New Years I made my son write down rules and sign it. It stipulated that if he didn't follow these rules, he would have to move out when he's 18 (July).

Here is my dilemma. He started breaking the rules within 24 hours of signing the "contract". He has spiraled downward ever since. He will be starting his senior year after he turns 18, and I highly doubt he will finish school if I put him out. However, dealing with him, his being ADHD/ODD, and all the effects has fallen on me all his life. Frankly, I am burned out. I'm tired of trying to help someone who doesn't seem to be particularly interested in helping himself. I am tired of feeling like a majority of my energy is spent on him (ie dealing with the school, counselor/dr appt's, etc). I am tired of feeling like my other son (16 y/o, non-adhd) is in the shadows, because my older son consumes so much of my energy. I am sick of the school calling, I am tired of dealing with yet another proffesional who wants to believe his charming stories about what a horrible mother I am, until they really get to know him. I am tired of watching an incredibly intellegent young man do everything possible to screw his life up.

To sum this all up, I my question is, is there anything I can do to click that lightbulb on his head that he has no clue what he's facing and by following the household rules, he will be far better off in the long run?

I can't offer any help, but wanted to send you a Hug.

Hi there, welcome to the board. You sound like a caring good mother and I do think you've come to the right place for support. Your son is lucky to have a parent who cares about him as much as you do.

My sons are a lot younger and therefore have "younger kid issues". But I wonder whether pointing out that a lot of ADHDers his age who don't stick to rules land in jail will help. This is just a suggestion as, as I say, I've never had to deal with an older ADHDer yet.

There's a post on the "Tell your ADHD story" thread by someone who's been in and out of jail. Also a simple google search, ADHD / jail shows how many ADHDers who spiral like he is land in trouble with the law. Maybe you could have him read that and tell him that you are willing to help him if he will let you but that you need him to pull his weight too. After all he's nearly an adult. And it's not too late for him, he can stop the spiral.

Although you are trying to help him perhaps you need to verbalise it so that he clearly understands. He may feel alone and could be acting out because of it. I know I grew up through my teenage years thinking that nobody cared at all although later it became clear that they did. I was never told that they did though, or that I was worth anything to any of them, and the way they acted to me I thought I was just a nuisance. I believe kids need to be told how much they matter to you. I don't know you of course and it's quite possible that you do tell him.

Anyway I hope that helps and I hope I haven't spoken out of turn not having first hand experience with older kids, I like to only respond when I have experience. But it was just a thought that I had. Good luck with everything.

Do you know an adult that has adhd? Or maybe another teenager with adhd? I would suggest trying to have someone his age or an adult talk to him about it. An adult would be better to help because they would have more life experience. I am thinking kind of something that would open his eyes and maybe give hime someone to confide in as a mentor or something. Is there an adult of any kind that he knows and you know that can sit him down and talk to him about his behavior and where it may take him? Sometimes kids listen to someone other than their parent better. Gutsy has some good suggestions. I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time after seeing such success earlier. His peers can make a big difference in the choices he makes. As you know this is a time when adolescents are trying to become independent and take control of their lives. Taking medication is one area of control that they do have. Unfortunately the effects of not taking it can lead to poor choices and their consequences. It might help if he could talk with someone about what are his goals and how is he going to get there...is there anything he is doing now which might hinder achieving those goals. What can he do about it.

I just pulled out a book on ADD which is a guide for high school and college students. The chapter I read, "How ADD Affects You as a High School Student" by Thomas Applin, M.D., sounds a lot like your son. The sections discuss Peer Acceptance, Separation from Parents, Medication issues (embarassment, exposure to drugs and alcohol), Gaining Control, Getting Support and Accommodations. I'd be happy to copy some sections if you like.

I hope this might give you a starting place for discussions he might have with someone. Is there an adult with whom he is close to or respects? Perhaps they might be able to talk with him. What do you think?

Oh yeah, I have an 18year old high school senior Adhd son.
jfla239130.3680787037

I would not stick to the contract because he is probably not even capable of complying if he wanted to.

I would use a drawer to communicate with him since he's basically not around at this point. Empty out a small drawer in the house. Put a sign on his bedroom door asking him to look in the drawer. Write him a heartfelt letter and put it in the drawer. You could offer to arrange some services for him -- therapy, social skills class, appt with the doctor for meds (or a patch that is more descrete?), a mentor, an adult to talk to, tutoring, or just tell him how you feel. Ask him to write you back.

I know someone who uses a drawer to communicate with an older child. The arrangement is the child will use the drawer any time there is something he wants to discuss but not face-to-face. So they talk thru the drawer by writing to each other. The child uses it. Sometimes the child says that he wants to talk in person, so they sit back to back in chairs and do not look at each other. They arrange a time etc, via the drawer. Your situation is a different, but you could give it a try.

NoTellin39130.4569444444

Wow! I wasn't expecting replies so fast!

Vickie, thank you for the hug. I REALLY needed that.

Gutsy, he's had legal problems already:probation @ 11, probation @ 12, probation @ 13, DJJ lock up @ 14, group home turned 15 there. While he was in the group home, they took him with some other boys from the home to the local prison and did a 'Scared Straight' thing on them. That seemed to have an impact as he hasn't been arrested again since.

His earliest probation was the result of my asking the legal system for help. He told me at one point that he knew I cared about him, because his dad wouldn't have done all what I was trying to do.

Aaron'smom, Yes, he does know an adult who is ADHD- me. I was diagnosed in Sept. I take Adderall, which has helped tremendously. It also has made me ask him why he won't take his medicine?! Life is soooo much easier when I take my meds and I know it's gotta be easier for him too. The school lays off him, I lay off him. His bosses noticed (when he had a job), and he was rewarded. Maybe it is a control thing to him. But he doesn't seem to notice that he's not really controlling anything...when he doesn't take his meds, his life is completely outta control.

jfla2, thanks for the book recomendation. I'm going to check at the high school and see if they have it. If they don't, I'll get back with you.

We met this past Tuesday with a new counselor (his last one left). I have to go meet with her in a few weeks without Kevin. I'll suggest to her that she do some goal setting with him.

Off the top of my head, I can't think of any adult who is ADHD and has their stuff together to talk to him. I may ask at the high school and see if they know anyone.

I thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for listening to me and your advice. The one impression I never want to give Kevin is that I gave up on him. The support ya'll have given me gives me the strength to keep searching for a while longer.

adhdmomnson39130.4788773148No Tellin, the drawer idea is really cool! I'm going to use that for both of my boys.I think the drawer idea is really cool. Something else as well, maybe you could point to some positive celeb role models. I know Ty Pennington from Extreme Home Makeover is ADHD. I even read an article today where Lionel Richie reckons he is ADHD. He can only concentrate for 20 min at the time. Anyway maybe you could do some research to see if someone he likes is an ADHDer.

Adhdmomnson,

Sometimes when kids (or anyone we love) are screwing up, it is easy to fall into the trap of coming off looking like you are critizing all of the time even when you tell them you are doing it out of love. Kids have fragile egos and may see constructive criticism as further evidence that they are worthless losers (not that they are, but they often feel like they are or they wouldn't do destructive things). I'm sure his father's abandonment doesn't help.

I know it might be hard, but if you aren't already, try to make sure you spend as much time saying something positive (wow, you look handsome today, thanks for doing the dishes, I really appreciate it, etc.) as you do correcting his bad behavior. Since he obviously isn't listening to the constructive criticism, you could even try just focusing on the positive for a week to give you both a break from the stress of trying to change him with no result. Like Gutsy says, he is almost an adult and has to learn to take responsibility for his own well-being. You have done all you can.

I like the drawer idea a lot as long as he knows you aren't avoiding him. Maybe you could leave him a list of all of his positive qualities. He may say he hates it but everyone likes compliments no matter what they say.

I also think teens especially tend to become so self-involved that it is unhealthy. You might try getting him to do some sort of community service (don't be above a bribe. It's the experience that counts, not the motivation). It might make him see what a positive impact he can have on someone else's life.

adhdmomnson, I am so excited for you and your son, sounds like things are going well. Keep up the good work!!