ADHD and the CHRISTIAN FAITH | ADHD Information
I know this topic may be touchy for many people, but I was hoping that there would be others who attend a Christian church who can relate to us.My wife, my 7yr old ADHD son, and I have been very active in our church for several years. Most of our Christian friends know about the situation with our son's hyperactivity and it helps that they are aware of the problems we deal with and pray for us.
As our son matures, he's learning more and more about "sin" and that Jesus wants him to be a good boy. But our son's ADHD issues cause him to struggle with unwanted behavior and thoughts (sin)! My wife and I have come to the realization that many of our son's "sin" issues are caused by his ADHD and not because he chooses to act improperly.
The question I have for other Christian parents who visit this forum is...
How do you help your child see the difference between sinful behavior and his or her disorder? Also, how do you help your church friends see that your child is not willingly defiant but rather it is caused by a neurological disorder that is being treated?
I'm looking for stories and personal experiences...
I wished I had a good answer for you.We actually stopped going to church when my son was very young (he's almost seven) because the nursery, then then the 2-4 year old room was right next to the sanctuary and he would yell out, cry, hit other kids....so to stop all of the stares and the constant explaining we just stay home and hope to teach them the right way. Until we can find that right "thing" to help him settle himself down.Eating out is completely miserable and it's just the four of us.....church is completely out of the question for us right now. And If my child could actually understand right from wrong, sinful vs his disorder....I may just have this thing solved. However, nothing seems to phase him and this type of understanding is way beyond our life right now. sorry,not good news but I hope you find the right answers you are searching for. Prayers to you and your family.
jakeszachsmom
I thought it was interesting that my son always came home calmer and more peaceful in himself after going to Sunday School. ...but now that I think about it they didn't talk about "sin" and consequences...that's a different kind of pressure.jfla239137.0582986111
We go to church and find it the most accepting place! Many in our church understand our son -- one of his Sunday School teachers even works in the school system evaluating special needs kids. I guess we are lucky about the level of education in our church about ADHD.
As far as sin vs. the disorder, I guess I am confused by what you mean. Maybe a specific example would help? Or maybe I just think that we all sin, regardless of disorder or no disorder, so it's just a matter of figuring out what to do when that happens. Are you concerned about "sin" from what others think? Is it a question about helping others understand that he is not trying to be "bad" but, instead, has impulsive behaviors beyond his control?
Hello,
What a great topic to discuss! Unfortunately, we live in a sinful world. We all sin. The best news is that, Jesus forgives us!! So, believing that, I try and establish this type of environment at home. I have a daughter who is 6 and I have many times heard her talk about being 'bad' and treating her friends poorly, etc. She gets real down on herself. So, as Jesus taught us, I try and convey an atmosphere of forgiveness. I explain to her that we all mess up. I even give examples of when mom and dad screw it up. Then I assure her that Jesus forgives us and we should just try and do better next time. For now this works, but I know as she gets older more of an explanation will come. I don't know when, but at some point we plan on explaining ADHD to her and how that makes her impulsive to the point of doing something that once she has thought about it, didn't really want to do. Now things aren't all touchy feely forgive all with no consequences here. We have a reward and consequence plan for when directions aren't followed.
Now as for getting understanding from your church members . . . Have others confronted you or made you feel unwelcome to Sunday School because of your son's behavior? If so, I would pray on it and then speak to that person (or people) one on one explaining the situation. If that is not the case, it may be that you are feeling uneasy about the situation and think others may feel the same way. Usually, people are more caught up in their own issues rather than worrying about others. I do understand though. I am having some serious struggles myself with my daughter and her private school. But I think a lot of it has to do with my own expectations of my daughter and just dealing with this ADHD!! The Lord strenghtens us through these struggles!! Keep praying daily and know that others are in the same boat. It makes me feel better to know this.
As for educating your friends at church, I'm afraid the topic of ADHD can be a very divisive one. People seem to have an opinion about it whether they have a child with it or not. It's really not your job to educate them about ADHD or be an apologist for your son. It really isn't their business. You really have to pick and choose which friends/family you share information with. When your son becomes disruptive at church, it is just human nature for (uninformed) people to then judge you the parents for not doing a good enough job with discipline. That is going to be hard to take because you know it isn't a discipline issue. Some time ago my SIL sent me a tape of a radio show "Focus on the Family" that dealt with ADHD and Christian issues. Here is the website, it may have some good words for you:http://www.family.org/
Wow- these are really tough issues and I can totally symapthize with you. I, myself, do not attend church anymore for a variety of reasons, but I was raised in a very religious home (my dad's a minister) and I've been in your son's shoes. I have ADHD (not dx'ed till adult) and as a child I would think obsessively about going to hell and had a recurring nightmare about a river of blood that was somehow connected to that. I even woke up from a nap when I was about six and when I couldn't immediately find anyone in the house I thought that Jesus had come back and taken everyone else to heaven and I was left alone.
My suggestion is that you explain to your son that sin is willfully doing wrong and that when he does "sinful" things impulsively it's because of the ADHD and not because he meant to be bad. Also make it a point to tell him often that this is how God made him, so when he acts impulsively in a way that's "sinful" God is a little more understand than he is with others. It's oversimplifying things a bit, I know, but keeping mind that there is maturity lag in ADHD kids and better over- simplified than over- anxious, right?
As for educating other in your church- that may depend on the type of church you go to. But educating people may help. I can't really offer much help on this because my experience has been rather negative on this front.
Wow!!! Nicely put Vickie!
I may just have to use that explanation with my son. Thanks!!!
You might explain to him that if a blind person bumped into someone in a way that caused injury, this would not be a sin but an unfortunate accident that was caused by a person's disibility. Jesus would not consider this person "bad". This person tries to be careful and not hurt others and works really hard to do things in a way as to not hurt himself or others. With ADHD, you have similar issues. The trick is to do this without encouraging a child to blame the ADHD for everything.
Unfortunately, people can be judgemental and you can only eductate them one at a time. Gutsy has a good idea about a book or article. You can also send adults to sites like CHADD or LDOnline for information. Or print the list of myths and explanations from the CHADD site.
I am probably not the best person to give advice on Christianity, but here goes....
I would not equate ADHD behaviors with sin, or religion at all. There is a difference between a brain disorder, and a concious decision to commit a "sin". it has nothing to do with religion.I personally would not ever tell my child her behaviors, or lack of concentration are a "sin".
What an awesome topic to come to when I first opened this sight tonight. This is also something my husband and I also struggle with. We are active in chuch, they moreso than I due to my work schedule but even if I am not able to go, they attend with my parents. We too have struggled with the sitting in class, or during church services, etc... For awhile we stopped attending because I stayed upset at the way I perceived my child's differences. A lot like PL's mum said it was a lot to do with my expectations and the thinking that others felt the same way about my child.
I will tell you though, after the first couple of weeks we missed my church members called, sent letters and had lots of different ways of saying we were missed. So church has been good for my son. The inattentiveness has been helped because we started a Bible Drill, It is very fast moving and lots of activity which keeps his little brain engaged and keeps him out of trouble.
As far as sin and ADHD goes, we are having similar issues there. We do not want him using ADHD or forgetting his meds as a way to justify his behaviour, but we also do not want him getting a complex because he believes he is always sinning with his behavior and therefore is not a good person. I think this is hard even for nonADHD people. I think susieb put it well when she said "I really wouldn't worry about whether or not he is sinning as much as getting across to him what's right and what's wrong and that whatever he does wrong can't be blamed on ADHD." I would emphasize forgiveness, because really, that is what God is, He is a God of second chances. When we say our prayers we ask for forgiveness of the things we did wrong today, sometimes he is even able to list them in infinite detail. He feels better afterwards because he knows that if he truely means it his is forgiven and that tomorrow is a new day. We also pray on the way to school, sometimes all of us or sometimes just one. One of Ty's daily prayers are "please Jesus help me to slow down and think about the things I want to do before I do them, just to make sure they are OK" I always reassure him that we all sin, that is just how we are but we don't use the excuse that just because we aren't perfect we can sin as much as we want and just ask forgiveness. That we need to have a heart for God and that means to try not to sin, whether it is ADHD related or not.
As for your church friends, what I did was talk to his teachers and fellow church members. We are a small congregation so that helps because we have a lot of one on one time and when they have to correct him they never blame his ADHD they say what it was that he did wrong and how could he do things different the next time. He even has a teacher that when he speaks out during teaching or acts up, she will tell stories of herself when she was young and did similar things so he does not feel as though he is the only one.
I am sorry this is sooooo long, but it has really touched my heart because this is something we struggle with so much. I have loved all the input and would love to hear more, I learn something every time I log on to this site. Dad in Akron you and your family is in our prayers and just keep remembering God knows we aren't perfect but He loves us anyway. That somedays is the only way I keep going.
I would be really careful telling your ds that when he does something wrong it's ok and not a sin because he has ADHD. I really wouldn't worry about whether or not he's "sinning" as much as getting across to him what's right and what's wrong and that whatever he does wrong can't be blamed on ADHD. You can take it into account when judging/punishing his actions, but don't ever give him the idea that he can't help his behavior. Then he'll start using the ADHD to justify it and he'll decide it's not worth trying to control himself because he's ADHD. Then you'll really have a problem.God doesn't give you any free passes and excuse behavior. He is just. Instead, He forgives us when we fall short. He is merciful. Don't worry about what is the "sin" caused by, emphasize the forgiveness that's open to us when we do sin. It's not out of fear of going to hell or some other fate that we try to do or best to behave; it's out of gratitude for the forgiveness we receive when me mess up. That's what I'd try to get across.
I hope I wasn't to preachy, but that's what I believe.
Wow! I'm very encouraged by all the posts so far! Through your words I feel your Christian love.
Someone asked if I could give an example of what kind of behavior my son does that might be considered sinful...
I was just thinking about how he disrepectfully treats us and disobeys us, his parents. And also the times he has acted inappropriatly when he gets angry, such as the time he bit a boy's ear or hit a classmate and teacher. That's about it. As far as other "sin" issues go, he's never been intoduced to typical sinful acts that kids his age struggle with. Take for instance, Jacob still has a very innocent heart. Example: Although he displays the usual ADHD defiance and strong will, he doesn't know any profane words or gestures. He doesn't steal things (except cookies!). lol He cares for others and feels pain when others are hurt. Also, when Jacob was 3 yrs old he made a profession of faith and we believe his faith is genuine and sincere.
Most of our church friends understand that Jacob is ADHD, so that really isn't an issue. Sure, we have a few people mutter quietly behind our back "What's wrong with that kid?" But for the most part, we have felt accepted and understood.
Thank you all for your words of guidance and/or encouragment! May God richly bless you all and give you His love and patience as you raise your children to be Godly men and women.
I am very encouraged too. I think one of the greatest things in my life is watching my son develop a heart for God. The other day his prayer was that his little sister Kadee learn to love Jesus like he does so they can be together in heaven one day. I pray daily to have a heart for God and I know as he gets older his struggles with that will be more and more because of the world we live in. I just pray that I can do all I can to help encourage his pure heart. Kids are so humbling and such a blessing.
My son is going through that. He says he is a christian. He was caught shoplifting a couple of months ago. Each time I catch him sinning, I just explain to him why it is a sin, and tell hime that Christians shouldn't behave like that. It is a bad witness. Then I jus tleave it in God's hands. Remember, God is in control.I agree with you jfla2, we try to focus on the good while correcting the bad and not necessarily stating it as a "sin" and always tell him no matter what Jesus love him. That in itself seem to make him happy. For ADD/ADHD kids, it's all about making good choices. I think it's harder for them than for regular kids. It's the same way with Christianity. It's not about who you are or what your heritage is or how much money you have, it's about the choices you make. ADHD kids CAN make good choices and that's what you need to be working on. This also has a lot to do with delayed gratification, which is a tough thing to teach in today's culture.When I compare myself with other parents, I always come up feeling that I'm stricter than they are. And when I compare my ds with other kids, I always come away thinking he's better behaved than they are(I've been working on it for 14 years so stick with it, it gets better). I figured out that it must be because I'm strict with him. He knows that if he makes a bad choice, I'm going to find out and give him down the road for it. He also knows that I'm his advocate and as he put it "his biggest fan." I think it's a double message all ADHD kids need. We expect that you're going to try to make good choices and you can expect to be loved and supported all the way while you're learning how to do this. That embodies my whole approach to child-raising and you know what I just realized? That's also what what Christ expects from us and what we get from Him (among other things).
Now I'm going to go to bed. I'm going to get up and go to church tomorrow!
susieb39137.9205787037
Susieb,
I agree with you and feel that my approach is similar to yours. In different issues, I think we are more or less strict than other parents, but I think we have done a good job raising our kids. We have invested a lot of energy into it for sure!
Jo-D said,
"always tell him no matter what Jesus love him. That in itself seem to make him happy."
In a similar way, when my son was younger and would feel down on himself and even say, "I hate myself" (so upsetting for me to hear)....
I would go through a repetitive question answer with him like this:
"Who loves you, ds?"
"You do."
"That's right. I love you. And who else?"
"Nana."
"That's right. Nana loves you. And who else?"
We would go on and on like this naming all the people that love him.
The repetition in itself was also comforting. After awhile he was smiling and feeling better about himself.
jfla2, what a great way to make your child realize how much he is loved and how many love him!
I caught myself thinking today about how much energy, tears, effort, love etc I had put into raising ds and how well he seems to be doing. Then I thought "Gee, if I knew the results would have been so good, I would've had two!"
No real advice here, but sympathy...church is the one place I feel most judged right now, but I might just be paranoid.
Our ds is almost 14 and has struggled with finding acceptance amongst his peers. Some of his most painful memories of growing up are church-related. I don't think people realize this, but I often think they're assuming he's just not paying attention, acting silly, etc. to "be bad."
BTW, ours hasn't been formally diagnosed yet, but, themore I read, the more I am convinced he must have ADHD. His teachers have recommended we get him evaluated.
I do have a website to share, if I can do that here. It is http://www.christianadhd.com
Welcome.
We've stopped going to church because our church has become too politic-centric and not enough Christian-centric. So we do our own Bible study every Sunday. This way I can find teachings on issues that I feel are relevant to my kids and try and teach it to them. My kids can also have an input on what they want to learn.
I was so busy trying to keep my kids quiet and trying to give explanations to congregants that none of us got any benefit at all out of the service. It became a divisive tortuous matter in our family. Currently our own bible study is working much better for us.
It's hard one trying to reconcile the ADHD issues, with no easy answer. But since we're all human, we all do things that go against the teachings of Christianity, ADHD or not.
ADHDers can't use the condition to excuse "deviant" behaviour though. They must learn how to deal with these impulses appropriately. Therefore it's all the more important they learn morals and ethics. How do we know what disorders and difficulties Jesus as a human may have faced? Or other good human beings for that matter?
We try to teach our kids that Jesus loves ALL little children, with all their issues. And that He taught us that we can approach Him for guidance and forgiveness. Often, when my kids are confused about something I'll ask them what they think Jesus would do. And I assure them that I love them and I'll do my best to help them too. I'm on their team, and I understand that even if the results come out wrong, they had good intentions.
As for acquaintances who don't understand, sometimes it's the easiest way just to refer them to this board. Although there are people in our kids lives who I've explained it to countless times, and they just don't change. Also maybe you could lend them an explanatory book.
Good luck with this. It's not an easy road we have to walk with our ADHD kids, but God believes we can do it.
I am currently trying to figure this out. My oldest seems to understand some, but she's the inattentive one. I can't leave my younger one in nursery, and she simply does not understand the older age group, she is way too behind. She is the hyper type and was not much able to handle nursery anyhow. Her focus on videos did include the veggietales though, she loved them. And we love to read in our family [though I do not have the kids right now, I take them back from ex this summer, as agreed upon]. Having playdates with other christian families keeps them in the same atmosphere. Lastly, having one-on-one personal time with me [whether in prayer or telling stories or coloring bible pictures, etc. ] was always a fave, and they seemed to behave better with the singular attention too. Still working on giving it to them. IMHChristianO, the church is built on forgiveness, not judgement. As much as many would like to deny it, adhd can cause our children to do things that they would otherwise not do. I stress to my son that "sin" is committed in the heart before it is committed with your hands, meaning that intent is the key to "sin." Behavioral problems resulting from adhd are not a sin, imo. That's not a license to do whatever you want, because, as I said, I believe that the difference lies in what is in the child's heart. Does my son intend to disrespect me when he fails to follow directions or listen to my instructions? Certainly not. I know that he loves me and wants to be a "good" son. I believe that this adhd "test" is more about my learning to be more forgiving and Christ-like than it is about my son's behavior. We are teaching our son to forgive himself for his mistakes and to try to do better, and to forgive those who would hold him in judgement rather than forgiveness.[QUOTE=susieb]
I caught myself thinking today about how much energy, tears, effort, love etc I had put into raising ds and how well he seems to be doing. Then I thought "Gee, if I knew the results would have been so good, I would've had two!"
[/QUOTE]
susieb, You are so sweet! What a great mom!
OK. I'm not religious, though my children have made the choice to be (Which I support).
To me the community, (Be it the general, church.. Even other members of my family, etc etc). Have two choices, they except it, or they don't. My son has ADHD and other disabilities, it took us a battle and a half to get all of his diagnoses, a matter of years and a lot of patience, love and work, and like any other illness, it has it's symptoms. They just happen to be behaviour related. It's not a 'sin', 'deliberate', 'bad' there is no label, it's a symptom. Sometimes yes what he does has to be explained, 'you don't do that because', and there has to be a conciquence, even if it's an apology... And yes, I'm prepared to explain that to anyone, and fair does it, they're allowed their own views, but I don't allow any negative opinions to get under my skin or effect my family in any way.
LMSKJ39142.3502777778Whe it comes to sin, we should help our kids know that ADHD is like having bad eyesight. Is it a sin to have bad eyesight? No. However, is bad eyesight a problem that needs to be addressed? Yes.This also brings up the question of behavior... If someone offends another person because they forgot to wear their eyeglasses, is that a sin (which needs to be confessed and forgiven) or an just an "accident"? It's an accident, right? So, if someone with ADHD does something bad because they were not on medication, that should be considered an accident too? Right?
Another issue that a was thinking of...
I have heard from people that children often equate God's love with the love of the earthly fathers. So, here's a message for us dad's out there...
We need to be very careful in how we treat our ADHD kids. They need to know that we love and accept them regardless of their behavior. I know that's difficult because many of us feel embarassed when our kids do something in front of our friends, but we need to make sure that our kids know we still love them and "want" them.
I've never done research on the depression troubles that some ADHD kids go through, but I wonder if some kids have suicidal thoughts because they don't feel worthy of God's love because their dad's are embarrassed by their behavior.
God wants us "dads" to convey HIS love and acceptance and guidance to our ADHD chirdren. Amen?