Social interactions with peers | ADHD Information

jfla2

I absolutely love that idea, I think it is something we may have to implement. We about to start a modified version of the marble system also for both kids. I am just having a hard time coming up with stuff to put on there. For some reason my brain seems to be shut down more often than not here lately. Do you use that? If so, do you take it with you when you travel?

Jo-D

My kids at home are 15 and 18/adhd so I have given up on systems. Except kitchen chores after dinner. Their bedrooms are their busines and private space except on Friday after work and school is clean up time. If they keep it clean during the week then there is not so much to clean up on Fridays. I tried different systems over the years, and ds would often lose interest after the novelty wore off and so would I. I taught deaf multihandicapped about 20 years ago (ancient history now, B.C. before children) and have seen lots of systems in place. At a certain point, I was tired of systems , telling them what to do and just expected my kids to just do what needed to be done. Ds is doing really well and for the last few years I would just pick 2-3 goals per year and work on those. last year in place of an allowance, I gave him a dollar a day if he could remember to take his morning med on time. If not, that dollar disappeared. He was quick to respond and has that in pretty much in place. So to answer your question, no, I do not use the marble system.

oops the following refers to me answering the wrong question oh I am confused! The poster was used when ds was doing an online course over the summer and had a tendency to work too long and feel crummy and/or take long breaks on the computer and feel crummy later.

As for suggestions ask your kids to come up with ideas of what they would like to do for different categories. Unstructured activities: physical large motor/ small motor; outdoor/indoor; fine arts(music/art/drama); various sensory; they should all bring a sense of relaxation and good feelings about self.

That's a starting place. What do your kids like to do?

When the kids were young and we traveled, I used to always bring a bag of activities. Car trips needed to keep their hands, mouths and bellies full to keep them happy. a common question was do you have something for your hands? Early on, I discovered that each child had one thing that could occupy them for hours (good for plane trips) dd book, ds/adhd calculator, ds paper and pencil. No gameboys in this family.

sorry this is so disjointed!

Jo-D,

The poster I made is out of craft foam and is basically a rectangle of foam with slits cut in it and a plastic cup glued on the bottom.

We came up with a list of suggestions together. The break is for a limited period of time that we both determined is reasonable.

For each study break idea I made a picture of it out of craft foam or foam clay and glued it on a long foam tab.

His suggestions for study breaks are: jogging or going for a walk (walking shoes with a cloud of dust behind them), big blue exercise ball, playing piano, playing the computer (yes that's in there), walking the dog, kicking the soccerball around,jumping rope, riding a bike, juggling sticks, I might add clay and paint.

Put each tab into a slit on the poster. When it was time for a break he selected one to do. After he finished then he put it in the cup. The next time he took a break the activity in the cup was not an option. This way he had more variety and physical activity. Around it I added relavent comic strips from the newspaper. It looks rather bright and colorful.

This sounds a lot like "choices" in preschool. I was just trying to get him to approach breaks in a novel fun way instead of a list of words. In addition it was an opportunity for me to be crafty.

jfla239134.8835185185

jfla2

(I do have a poster in our family room suggesting various types of study breaks...I think I should reintroduce it!) I would like more info on your poster, sounds interesting we might could use something like that.

Boys do seem to connect with video games and socialize around them especially as they get older. I have really noticed this as he has gotten older, but like you we do not allow violent games or toys and sometimes that puts him out of the social loop, but I just have to tell him when he complains too bad that's the rules.

Good evening all.....

I spoke with a co-worker of mine from the Behavioral Health agency in our county today. ( I am a social worker in the county Nursing home and Medicaid unit.) She suggested that I may want to try some basic sign language tapes. Apparently she got them for her non ADHD daughter and she loved them and it helped her to learn to pay more attention to facial gesture and to look at the person who is speaking (DS has a problem with this). She said that they were almost like Sesame Street Sign Language. I believe that it is called Sign-time and there are even videos. I will be going to the library tomorrow between work and DS after school activity. I will let you all know soon.

Dad in Akron: We are in BG. It is nice to know that support systems exist in our state!

punkin' s mom39134.7832407407[QUOTE=dolphinjen]

Dad in Akron,

How did you identify which kids were ADHD? Grace's teacher has mentioned there are 5-6 kids in her class with it, and they are medicated, but I figured b/c of confidentiality issues she wouldn't be able to tell me which kids. I would love to know, to form a little support group. Also, the therapist your child sees, it's an occupational therapist? I'm an OT, many years out of the field, wanting to get back in, and curious that she's providing such psychosocial intervention. How cool!

[/QUOTE]

Jacob's teacher didn't break confidentiality. We found out who the other kids are by meeting their parents outside the school during pick up time. Many of the parents talk to each other while they're waiting for the bell to ring. My wife picks Jacob up, and she met one mom who introduced her to another and another. They all live in our neighborhood and the boys like to schedule playdates with each other.

Our son's counselor is an OT. He was recommended by our pediatrician.Dad in Akron39132.8679398148

When we go to the library, I sometimes select a few children's books on basic social skills for my 6 year old. He is currently reading "Be Polite and Kind," "Coping with Anger," and "How to be a Friend." I don't push the books on him - I just kind of sneak them in with other books he likes and he reads them at his leisure. I do this periodically and it seems to be a low key approach to helping him with social norms. squirrelgirl

[QUOTE=Dad in Akron]
In Jacob's 1st grd class, there are about 5-6 kids that are adhd and medicated. We've developed friendships with some of the parents and we have playdates. During playdates, we expect difficulties and help each other solve problems as they occur. Second to medical treatment, making friends with other adhd affected families has been the most helpful.[/QUOTE]

you have no idea how lucky your son is to have these 5-6 other's who can all play together, and as they get older, will still be at the same social maturity level so will be able to relate to each other!

I live in a small gossipy town, where ADHD doesn't exist in public, even though the pharmacies tend to run out of the medications when I go in for a refill

So there is no one to talk to, I made the mistake of being open about my son in hopes that someone would say, "Hey our child has it too, we should get together!" but it blew up in my face and my son was so embarassed, and I felt horrible for opening my mouth

My son joins in at school, plays sports after school through the town, but there are no play dates or birthday party invites. I have actually wondered if there are any of those things even going on anymore. Boys are different socially than girls. Girls want slumber parties, etc., but boys don't.

I don't know, we'll see how things happen as he gets older. He is 9 and does pretty well hanging in there socially with the help of his meds. When he first wakes up, I can see the immaturity, but once the meds kick in, he is a typical 9 year old, very intelligent boy. I know the teachers tell us he is fine in school in class and with the other children so I guess that's what counts. I got over the playdate/birthday thing several years back, it just broke my heart too much.

Sorry if I rambled, but I just have to repeat that your son is a very lucky guy!!

Regards!!

My daughter is outgoing however maintaining the friendship is the problem she is oblivious when the activity changes and the other kids move on. At her school they do play therapy with her and other kids who need to work on social skills, do they offer something like that at your school? I also play with my girl role modeling for her. My son has some of the same issues. I guess, because it is easy for me to see when the other children got wary of him, that he would see it too. DUH, I don't know why I thought that. Everyday with an ADHD child is a learning process. What I have tried to do is explain to him about personal space, he loves to get up in peoples faces and talk. I have been trying to help him learn that not everyone likes people that close, he is also loud, bouncy and almost everything else an ADHD child is. Luckily he has a few close friends that will come over, one also with ADHD (this is when I would like to keep a wine bottle on hand for me) and one friend without. I also think he has some OCD going on too. Even when friends come over he gets completely focused on one thing, usually a game (x-box, game boy) I try to make him understand that is off putting also because not everyone wants to sit and play games for hours at a time, but I am not very successful. BTW I don't usually let him just sit and play a game forever, and that upsets him. Do you think he focuses on them so much because with them he is constantly moving his hands and they keep his brain engaged? So any tips I read on here I try at home.I agree with you Bethann, a child who has other kids with ADHD to play with, grow with is a very fortunate child. I am pretty open with other moms about Grace's ADHD after school, but no one has said, "Really?! OMG, my son has it too." I had hoped I would be able to figure out who these parents are and kind of "network" with them. So far, no luck. The parents I talk to just nod and don't really say anything. It's a similar response I got 10-15 years ago when I talked about having depression. I guess it's just the stigma thing. Grace is OK with telling people about it. Like I had said earlier, she's in therapy, and the therapist is very clear in telling her it's a disorder in her brain that is not her fault, just like other people have other health problems. But, I think there are still many out there that think ADHD is overdx'd, an imaginary problem of parents who do not know how to discipline. It's discouraging. I wish we could get our kids together! I went to the CHADD meetings, but that didn't really help either. Do you have an online parent's group for your city? IE, we have Milwaukeemoms.com. I have tried to start a "group" there, but and others seem interested but we never actually do it. Anyway, talk about rambling!

More rambling:

Jo-D: computer/video games: I think that perhaps from our perspective ADDers may have a greater tendency to get "hooked" on computer games than others because of their elastic concept of time. They are mentally stimulating and can progress as fast as their mind and hands can move. Before you know it a couple hours have gone by when he was only going to take a small break from homework. (I do have a poster in our family room suggesting various types of study breaks...I think I should reintroduce it!)

social aspects of computer game playing: I find this interesting because in our home I made the rule early on (about 12years ago) that when friends are over tech game playing wasn't an option because a friend was here to interact with us. In second grade, one mom bought a video game setup for her adhd son so that it would help foster friendships. It seemed to work. Boys do seem to connect with video games and socialize around them especially as they get older. In high school he said that because he didn't play all these games much he was often on the outside of conversations and when he did play at a friend's house he would get "killed" quickly, and his "turn" would be over because he didn't have much skill at it. In addition, being a Quaker household, dh and I did not allow violent games or toys. As he got older he would often get bored going to friends where the boys would hang out and just do video games.

BETHANN said "My son joins in at school, plays sports after school through the town, but there are no play dates or birthday party invites. I have actually wondered if there are any of those things even going on anymore. Boys are different socially than girls. Girls want slumber parties, etc., but boys don't."

Having a dd first and then ds/adhd, I can identify with BETHANN. Like your son he has played sports, joins in and is actively involved in school activities, but in highschool now he does not hang out with friends after school. This is his choice and when he wants to socialize he does take the initiative and get together with someone. He is busy with homework, school and music. He appears very happy when he is at home and enjoys doing things with his brother. He is looking forward to college where there may be more people interested in what he likes...math and music. He is passionate about both...and there is one new computer game that he does spend tieme on. Some may disagree, but I figure that is better to be passionate about math and music than video games.
jfla239133.3793055556ADHD kids tend to be behind thier peer in maturity by about 30%. In the early years, this makes little difference, but a 12 year old that acts like an 8 year old will definitely have issues with thier peer interactions. They need extra coaching on these interactions to develope social skills that the need.Several great suggestions have been made and I thought I would add that some people have found great benefit from specific social skills therapy. Due to the inattention, add/adhders often don't pick up on body language, facial expressions and inuendos. The gap becomes greater as they get older. Meanwhile their peers are learning these some of these skills and our kids are getting left behind. You can help by drawing his attention to someone's face or body and asking "What is their face trying to tell you?" Research shows that reading facial expressions is still being refined during the teenage years. Jacob also has social problems with non-adhd kids. The other kids say he's "hyper" and that's easy to accept. What's hard for kids to deal with is Jacob's defiance, control, over-focusing, and anger issues. Like your ds, the playground is not always a happy place. We are thinking about asking the school to give him a job during recess that will keep him occupied and instill a sense of responsibility.

Our son is seeing a behavioral (occupational) therapist every Wednesday. He recently told us they offer group sessions for adhd children (multiple groups for various ages). He said these groups help kids know how other kids feel and how they handle their concerns. Many adhd kids will open up and talk about their problems with other kids who understand them.

In Jacob's 1st grd class, there are about 5-6 kids that are adhd and medicated. We've developed friendships with some of the parents and we have playdates. During playdates, we expect difficulties and help each other solve problems as they occur. Second to medical treatment, making friends with other adhd affected families has been the most helpful.

Punkin's mom,

I feel your pain. It's hard to see your kid be so oblivious to other kids' disdain for him/her. Does your DS see a psychologist or therapist? My DD, 3rd grade, has issues with her self esteem, I think stemming from the reponse she got from other kids to her behaviors, and her seeing this therapist (I see her too to get some insight and advice on coping) has really helped. It took a while (we've been seeing her for about 6 months now), but I'm really beginning to see the results now. I did some research on the internet and tried to find someone in our area that specialized in kids, and specifially ADHD. Her psychiatrist who medicates her works in the same office so they can confer re: my daughter.

Dad in Akron,

My son is 16 now. Socially when he was real young kids loved him. By gr. 1/2 they definitely knew he was different. He also seemed oblivious to others reactions. I wondered if he just didn't care because he was driven by impulsiveness. Even now he has a few friends. He is still a loner, but seems happy with it. A few friends call to ask him to do things and he says no. Yes when he was young he was picked on and ostracized. I felt horrible for him. This sounds cruel but how else do people learn social skills, but by spending time with peers. We as parents can be positive and accept them unconditionally which helps. They also see us interacting with others, and watch and learn. This is a really hard topic.

I agree with everything jfla2 said.

You could review social interactions with him in detail -- the stuff that most kids just "get." You could ask him to look at your face and tell how you feel about what he is saying or doing. Ask him to practice figuring out how someone feels at school. Tell him how to make friends, how to approach people, when to move on, and what behavior is annoying to others. Enroll him in a social skills class at a language center.

Just thought I'd post tonight......

DS has been very fortunate to have a had a friend he has had since he was 3 in preschool. His friend's parents had also decided to send him to the same Catholic school DS attends for Kindergarten (they are both the same age and in the same grade). DS best friend is a sweet amicable little guy so it is easy for our DS to boss him around. We have spoken to DS about this and how a good friend behaves. But DS gets weepy when his best friend spends more time with the other boys. I feel that it is important that they both have other friends to play with. I just wish that DS would not take it so hard. I also see him shy away from other kids. He used to be so outgoing.

I never thought about the non verbal communication issue and facial expressions.

No problem, I do disjointed well. It is the way I think anymore so I understood perfectly. Thanks for all your advice. It is very much appreciated.

longsally

how old is he, I know you have said but I can't remember. I think as a parent one of our biggest heart breaks is when our children feel that they are not liked. It is very hard. I can understand why you worry about this.

He is 6 years old. He is very bossy, tries to tell everyone when playing what to do, how to do it. He always has to be first and the first time things do not go his way, he whines. I have explained to him that noone will want to play with him when he acts that way and he will say that he knows it and that he should take turns and play nice but he cannot practice what he preaches.

I got upset when a friend met us at the playground for a playdate yesterday and I turned to see her son running away from my son smiling, waving and sarcastically saying bye to him. I stopped him and told him that you do not treat friends that way and that if he teased my son, my son would eventually not want to playwith him anymore so unless he wanted to play alone in the neighborhood, he should go back and play, he did.

My son stated it did not bother him, that it happens all the time. I almost cried.

reading this is what scares me. As my ds gets older, the gap between him and his classmates will widen and I know with all my heart that he will be "left behind" in friendships. He is already having issues. I did get him to stop hugging the other kids by saying that older boys give handshakes. The backfire on that is that now he wants to shake the hands of his friends at the end of playdates or as we are leaving the classroom and the kids are confused by his behavior.

I wish I knew more of what to do to help him. He also CANNOT walk away and the other children know it. So...when he asks to play and they say no and walk from him or when they say yes and get him to go in one direction while they go the other, he chases them down and keeps bothering then instead of finding something else to do or someone else to play with. I have explained this to him and he can tell me but cannot apply the knowledge. I feel his pain.

That makes my heart hurt just reading it. God kids are cruel sometimes. Just keep trying to educate him on his behavior and then hug him extra hard and tell him how much you love him and pray some of it goes away with age. It has lessened some as Ty has gotten older, not completely gone but not as bad.

It seems as if my 6 yr old DS was much more happy when he was 4 or early 5 and was very social. Perhaps its the dynamics of the 6 year old set on the playground, but I want to help my son have healthy relationships in life. I feel that the earlier it is established, the better his later teen, college and adult years will be. Although DS is very smart and may be gifted, his social skills are extremely poor. Its almost as if he didn't care how the negative social interactions could impede his friendships.

Does anyone have any suggesstions or experience with this.