ODD College Son Holds Angry Grudges | ADHD Information

Dear No Tellin,

Thank you for the suggestion of an undelying cause of ODD.  There are probably aspects of self-esteem that could be increased.  Did you have any self-esteem strategies in mind?  I would not say that ther are any traumatic incidents blocking his development.  I do not identify particualr blocks, that would indicate an unresolved conflict.

There is a balance between Narcisim and healthy Self-Esteem.  I would even say that my son leans toward the Narcissm, and never him wrong side of things.  Too Self-Centered.  Expecting things to go his way, and being grateful to those who have helped him.  Then being oppositional to those who have helped him.

I bought him a luxury minivan with leather seats.  My son give friends rides to various events.  It is not like he is a cripple with a clunker.

 

 

 

 

Maybe the source of the problem, the real core issue, is low self-esteem. Perhaps he needs to work on his self-esteem first, before addressing how he interacts with others. When he was young, did he get into trouble all of the time, get corrected frequently, have difficult social interactions with kids his age?

Characteristics of College ODD:

1.  A feeling of a desire to prove someone wrong, with whom you have a continuing relationship.  A College Professor, a Boss, a Co-worker, Parents, othres.

2.  A feeling of injustice, that the situation calls for action, and justifies bending the rules to get results.

3.  ODD is the opposite of being overly-compliant.  Some people find it difficult to say, "No."    Some pelple say yes too often.  ODD is more likely to refuse to cooperate, rather than go along with authority.

4.  An attraction to the out-of-the-ordinary.  A way to indirectly show people that they are wrong.  Being a Vegitarian, or some other non-traditional approach for the society in which they live.  While this seems like an ethical practice, eating or not eating meat, depending on your society, the oppositonal aspect of being non-mainstream, is to indirectly tell others they are wrong.

5.  It is a challenge to keep differences undisclosed.  Many people have at least a few non-mainstream beliefs.  For the sake of smooth relations with co-workers, fellow students, bosses or teachers, Most people keep their non-standard beliefs to themselves, for the most part.       

6.  ODD people often fail to limit the expression of unique beliefs to others with a like minded view.  ODD people often do not seek the support of the small groups that might support their point of view, but rather enjoy expressing beliefs that are counter-culture. ODD people enjoy the reaction of others to their long hair, beard, or tatoo, or other non-traditional symbols or badges.

7.  Attempting to uitilize the suport of small groups that represent the chosen, non-traditonal values, is also a challenge.   ODD people tend to rebel against the opinions of those people who become closer to them.  So ODD people in the non-traditional belief group or organization, will tend to rebel and argue with others in the group.  This is part of being oppositional, because most everything can be opposed in some way or another.

8.  ODD Challenge of using a Coach or Mentor.  The ODD person in College, will tend to rebel agaisnt anyone.  Even their own standards of last week.  A coach who is coaching the goals of last week, may now be at odds with the ODD person, who has procrastinated on that goal, and now needs a reason to downplay last weeks high priority.

9.  Delegatged Coach.  A parent may try to solve the reebellion by arranging a coach for the ODD person, but that person will become gthe object of rebellion, before long, also. 

 

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Otter39338.5517592593

I would think that he is too old for parental strategies. Therapy would be the first step if he has self esteem issues, plus modifying the way family members interact with him.

Narcissism is not particularly responsive to therapy.

An unresolved conflict is expecting things to go his way, being ungrateful and oppositional to those who help him. This sounds like a long term problem that took it's time to develop.

My son sets up roadblocks to my pointing out any of his faults, or suggesting areas of self-improvement for him.

So to present this idea, I need to sugar coat it, so he does not see my observations as criticism.

The skill of being able to get cooperation from others is important. It it also impoartant to have a strategy for dealing with those who are refusing to cooperate with your program. My son's slamming uncooperative people with insulting lables, is usually not as effective as taking a less blaming approach.

So my suggestion is that my son find less blameworthy adjectives to describe those few uncooperative asociates, instead of holding an angry grudge. I met with my son one morning, a few weeks ago, and discussed my ideas on these issues.

The reason my son was hesitant to discuss the issues, in the past, I believe, was his difficulty acceptging criticism, and being in denal that badmouthing people behind their back had any repurcussions.

Certainly if I had had a magic spell to remove his resistance, I could have spoken to him before this. But that morning he seemed to understand that slamming people behind their back appears weak, untrustworthy and low self-confidence.

My son seemed to understand that he could appear more confidant and powerful, if he was more forgiving, or gratuitous in his comments about people behind their backs.

I could have asked him to try writing down what he is going to say about his disappointments with others, behind their back. He could have practiced some phrases with me as his coach. Maybe next time we go out for breakfast.

When my son is upset with someone, I would like to recommend that he work and developing a phrase that requests the individual to make amends.

Holding a grudge is childish and unproductive.

The Lord's Prayer is "to forgive those who trespass againt us."

I am suggesting the requesting amends be made, and specifying the amends appropriate, is a more powerful position.

Attonement is often overlooked. Restitution, Retribution, self-imposed restrictions, making it right, are concepts of making amends.

My son has held a grudges against several people, in the past over months and years of time.

So perhaps my suggestion for my son's improving his character is not so much his sometimes slamming other people, but rather in holding a grudge over time against one person or another.

So I have redefined the problem, but have ot generated a good approach or solution.

My concern is not so much for the people against whom he holds a grudge, but, for his realtions with others who become aware that he is holding a grudge, unreasnably, and failing to ask for amends. I think it makes him look weak and immature. An attitude of grattitude, for instance.   It is alos an anger issue, because of he anger my son displays when discussing some of he people against whom he holds grudges     .My heart goes out to you Otter for my child has ODD too.  Unfortunetly helping him will not help much until he is ready  to accept things as they are.  I will keep you in my prayers.

Sadly it often takes a hurtful life experience to really drive this message home.  It's great that you're talking to him though- so many parents have just given up by the time their child is this age.  My parents tried to tell me so much when I was a teen, but I had to have the experience before any of it began to sink in.  Keep talking though- it really makes a difference. 

"My son seemed to understand that he could appear more confidant and powerful, if he was more forgiving, or gratuitous in his comments about people behind their backs."

I am glad that your meeting with him went well with him.  Turning a criticism into a positive statement is often acceptable and has a greater opportunity to be internalized. 

Best of luck on your next meeting!