dads at home | ADHD Information

need help....i am a dad at home son 14 going 15 with adhd and odd. how do i control my temper when his goes....please help before i loose it with him. I can't add anything that will help, as we do not have that problem.  But I just want to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. BTW when you do get a chance to read, I have always received wonderful info and support from this site.  And sometimes it just helps to know there is a place to unload all your feelings without feeling guilty afterward because we all understand frustration to some degree or another.  jodie

Some more info would be helpful- what sets him off?   What does he do that makes you feel like you're going to "lose it"?  Also what treatment is he receiving?

The only thing that comes to mind without knowing more is the book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene.  It's worth checking out- all about negotiation and problem solving with kids who "lose it" easily.

hey, well it can be anything from no tea or no biscuits, wants something late at night, ye name it. as to what he does, he three foot nothing and will come into my face, fists raised etc, no treatment yet he has a growth problem.

have to be honest, i run the house all the cleaning cooking etc so getting time to read is very difficult, but i will look it up, thanks so far.......john very frustrated and , and, and, and, and....

My 10yo daughter can get very defiant. Last year was the worst, but we have made lots of progress.

Like momiss2 said, do not argue. Calmly tell him you will discuss it when he can calm down. Then remove yourself from his presence. Do not escalate things with him. When he calms down, pile on the praise.

When you lose it, appologize and use it as an example of how even adults can behave inappropriately, and how you are working to be better at this parent stuff (he did not come with an instruction manual after all).

Taking away things (negative reinforcement) does not work well with these kids, rewarding them for the correct behavior does. Look at the marble thread for a good example of a positive reinforcement behavior plan using a token economy. You will have to taylor it for an older child.

These kids are about 30% behind thier peers on maturity. It is hard for a parent to look at thier nearly 15 year old and see them acting like an 11 year old, but that is what you have to help him with. Coach him on the proper behavior as though he were an 11 year old. He needs extra coaching to do better with family and with peers.

At the end of the day you are tired from keeping the house running and he is tired from his day which is complecated by having ADHD. You are a "safe" place for him to let out his frustration but he has to learn that it is not appropriate.

If you cannot get far enough with the suggestions from everyone, you might ask the doc to look into guanfacine (Tenex). It helps with ODD and ADHD symptoms. Also, if he has bad impulsivity issues, it should help him with some of the risky behavior teens have (impulsivity puts ADHD kids at grerater risk than thier peers).

Here is a little reading material (info about teens behavior, etc):

http://www.help4adhd.org/en/about

I have a 16 year old ODD, adhd.  It takes practice.  First off avoid argueing with him at all costs, because you will never win.  Say no you can't, and if you want to have an attitude about it you can loose the use of your vid. games for the next 2 hours.  Use short time periods, or you don't have a leg to stand on the next time it happens.

To avoid argueing, state out flatly I'm not talking about it or argueing and walk away.  He will stop within a few minutes, 5 at most- or set the consequence.  By his age a brief explanation is enough because he's not stupid.  Good Luck, but if you don't get out of the arguements, it'll keep escalaing where you both come to blows.  Then you'll feel bad for blowing it.  Don't ever say no if you don't mean it.  Set some ground rules and pick what you really want to stop, otherwise don't go there.  Let it go.  

Fighting with him escalates both of you.  He can't fight alone.  Let him do it and try.  Let it stay his problem instead of yours.  My son will now say, you don't want to talk about this because you can't win.  This is at the point that I've said I'm not talking about it any further.  Meanwhile I'm laughing in my head and thinking

"Well I just have, brat"

momiss239135.4757986111thankye lads and lasses, i will just have to keep counting and playing with the worry beads and counting again and then learn how to give him room and me. Anyway many thanks for your input. regards and good luck from the island of charm wit culture and the birthplace of ODD

but once I've said no once, I just ignore him until he stops asking.  He's got to learn at some point that no means no, right?

This is something I have also had to learn and implement.  I am not going to sugarcoat it either.  It was hard as heck to stick to it, but now Iam able to just look at him and say no, when he argues back all I say is, you already have my answer NO negotiation.

well i guess a good morning is called for........well its morning that will just have to do ye all.

My better half, the worker, the boss gave me a earful last night because I seemed to make out my lad was wild, a thief, a trouble maker, etc, etc, its crazy how one word a phrase a comment can be taken out of context, now i knew what i meant, oh well.

So just for the record, my lad is clever, kind, thoughtful, considerate, he has never been caught stealing shoplifting taking drugs or found in the company of women of ill standing(not yet!!!!!!!!!!!).

He is street smart, over here that is knowing how to get things without bringing the guarda/police to the door, he can manipulate, excite and p$%£ people off, but he is a growing lad, with all the issues that they have.

So please let the record state..........oh and thankye all for all your thoughts, wishes, ideas, and comments.

May your god go with ye and keep the faith.
morning, I have spent the last evening talking to my better half, thinking about what ye have all advised, for those thoughts I thank ye all.

Being the 'alfa male' step father, partner, housekeeper, cleaner, cook, doctor, dentist oh please ye know the story......its not the advice I search for......how do I control me?

In this house no is no, the lines are well drawn understood and kept to without fail.  Taking time from playing games does not work, keeping him off bebo is only a waste of time, not allowing friends in another waste of time, the list goes on.

As to drugs for the lad, with a growth problem all the doctors have no wish to medicate neither does his mum or me, his father is definatly a adhd adulto he is no help at all.

As to maturity, he is full up to speed with his peers, he is in fact a leader of lads of 16/ 18/ and his elder brothers of 21, when he says jump they say how high......he has young ladies falling to his feet, the lucky young stud. the only problem he has is his height, three foot s***.

Token, now this lad can leave the house with nothing in his pocket and come home with more money than he needs.....no dont even ask, he needs nothing from us, buys his own phones credit for them, track suits, trainers, sweets and food and smokes as well, before ye say it, we never leave cigs or money anywhere, two rooms are always locked and i hold the keys.

As to walking away, tried it, he follows with a skill only learnt from a master, tried a safe place, it used to be the stairs, tried leaving the room, he then just will attack something or somewone, so being the alfa male it brings me back down....do ye see the problem?

Oh i forgot, he has a reader and a scribe at school, they dont give him homework, so where do i go for the knowledge? come on lads think hard think long and then........just tell me.

But many thanks for all your input so far, I have not discounted your thoughts, just used them all before, please keep them coming.....regards from ireland, and its raining again.

Have you thought about talking to a counselor/therapist for yourself?  Perhaps a professional could shed more light onto the answers you seek.  Not that we aren't ready, willing and able to try....we just may not be equipped to do so....

I have raised 2 girls past the age of maturity, one is 26, the other just turned 20, and though one of them was a bit volatile, and dramatic, nothing to the extent of what you are dealing with, and none of the 'extra curricular' activities (getting money somehow, smoking, etc.) so I am at a loss....my boys are only going on 14 (next month) and 11 in July.

to be very honest......no and not a chance in hell of me seeing either, dont believe in them and dont have time for them.  but thankye.

looks like i will just have to keep trying, and maybe just maybe we will get there.
I am asking the irish adhd forum as well so maybe between the two sites.....ye just never know.

Take care lads and lassies.

You're falling right into his trap buddy.  He knows how to push your buttons and he's loving every minute of it.  Only you can figure out how to control yourself, it takes alot of pretending.  Until you can pretend it doesn't bother you, he' going to keep coming at you.  Good Luck.  Here's a question:  Who's problem is it??  Think on it.  We decide who gets us angry or not.  In all honesty I'm sure he is a pro at it, so it will take a lot of skill to get out of this one.  I disagree that taking priveledges away doesn't work.  That's pretty much all that works.  He probably pretends that he couldn't care less.  If used properly and for short period of times it does work.  You're son does sound very street wise though, and you have more than a few little issues there.  Main focus when they get around that age is trying to have a more positive relationship with him.  Doing things with him that he likes to do, even though you may not. momiss239136.3511574074

tcftralee, got to say I love the way you write!! I can just "hear" your accent in your writing, it's great. Makes me think of The Commitments and Paddy Clarke, Ha Ha Ha ... anyway. (sorry if that's stereotypical)

I can believe your teenager is an expert, heck, my 8 year old could work for the FBI the way he can ask needling questions - but once I've said no once, I just ignore him until he stops asking.  He's got to learn at some point that no means no, right?