Running out of hope..... | ADHD Information

Hi Everyone.  I'm sorry up front for the long post - but I can't very well ask for advice if you don't have the real details, so here goes.  I will thank you up front if you have any insight to offer - I'm very much down at rock bottom right now and I have run out of ideas and optimism...
  Bit of history.  I'm married to an absolutely wonderful man that I love dearly.  He's exciting to be with, very funny, sensitive to other people, & just adores me.     After his young son was tested (my stepson), diagnosed and treated for ADHD (and doing markedly better) I asked my husband if he would get tested.  I saw all the same problems, and after a ton of research and reading books and articles realized he had all the stereotypical symptoms and history that an ADHD adult would have.  He was tested and diagnosed ADHD, with included additional problems with very poor verbal memory.  I thought this was it - we knew what was up, we could get help.    This was 4 years ago.  Since then, every single year he promises me that he will go and get help.....and also that he will end his substance abuse problem (he's self-medicating).  Since his testing, he has only taked to a doc once - he went and got a prescription and tried it for 1 month - gave up on it because he hated the way it made him feel & never returned a call to the doc or did any follow up.  He acknowledges he has ADHD, even jokes about it all the time (as do I, humor gets us through) & also acknowledges he has a verbal memory problem.  My problem is that instead of getting help, he just keeps making promises he won't keep, keeps expecting me to take care of all our responsibilities because he doesn't want to be expected to do anything so he can't fail - he's always saying how hard life is for him and that I'm unfair to expect him to remember something I said to him because he has a verbal memory problem, or that I just don't understand.  I fully understand, and have changed my whole life around to accommodate him & his son's needs.    I'm fully aware that ADHDrs live differently - that you need much more patience - I'm fully aware that my husband will hurt himself far more than the average person (& almost truly killed himself once since I have met him), that he will make forgetful mistakes that can have bad consequences  (left the house with something cooking on the stove - almost burned down the house) will lose many many things over time, will forget special events, will incessantly interrupt me when I'm doing something and expect me to just drop whatever I'm doing to pay attention him, that I can NEVER trust him to do bills or handle anything financial, nor will he ever do anything that includes paperwork without it being a huge hassle.  Because he has his own business and there is no boss to keep him on task, he will constantly get distracted with the computer or a phone call or whatever and will end up working far less hours than he needs to in order for us to meet our bills.  All these things I know I signed up for.   He keeps using the ADHD and verbal memory problem as a reason why he can't do certain things, or simply won't do things that need to be done.  Ultimately, if I ask him to do something, he will say he will, then he won't do it because he spends his free time on the computer on forums or reading the news and watching videos, then when I ask why he didn't do it, he will say he's been too busy.  This happens constantly.  It's typical, I know that.  While I totally understand the challenges he has - I know that he needs to get prof help, and because he won't, he is making our lives so difficult and full of stress and anxiety everyday due to his symptoms and behavior.  Even if he didn't want to go to a doc, I'd be fine with that if he'd do a few simple things that would make life so much easier for the whole family. 

I've been asking him (for four years) if he would just keep a dayminder with him - if he says I can't expect him to remember anything I say to him verbally, then I don't think I'm asking too much or that I'm unreasonable to ask that he just write things down then when I tell him dates/important events, things that I'd like him to do.  He tells me he CAN'T do that, and won't even try.  he said he's tried it in the past (not while he has been with me), and it didn't work.  I said I'd help him with it - he still won't.  He says he's using a list on a piece of paper he looks at, and that he writes sticky notes -  but he will only use those tools maybe 1/4 to a half of the time - so, ultimately his techniques don't work because there are still many many forgotten things.  I never know if his memory issues are a factor of his ADHD, or his substance abuse problem....and am incredibly frustrated about this.    In the past year I have become very depressed, I used to be happy and am now losing any ambition for life that I used to have.  Four years of broken promises have done that to me.   I've done everything I could possibly do to help us & him..... our problems grow every year, our financial debt is getting overwhelming.
  Have I done someting wrong?  Not gone about this the right way?  I don't ever demean him...I ask him nicely, plead with him sometimes........always tell him not to worry, it's ok, we'll figure it out when someting bad happens because of his ADHD symptoms. Of course, he's seen me break down crying many times because I am so overhwelmed, or simply frustrated at the constant disappointments - so he knows how I feel. Is there a certain point where you have to give up? Are there just some ADHDrs that simply shouldn't be in relationship?  I can't just say "oh well- this is the way it is"  because I simply can't live my life this way, not to mention that we are slowly headed for failure financially if things keep going the way they are (I wouldn't even care if it was just me, but he has a kid to think about). 

Funny thing is that if he had made an effort to get help - stuck with his resolve to try finding a med that worked so he can stop self-medicating -  or at least try some of the techniques I've tried to teach him/show him or using a dayminder and at least tried to overcome some of the problems (which he would do if he could simply take some instruction from me)  but then still was the same as he is now - I'd probably be ok with that.  If it were truly all he could do - then I could accept that.  But the fact that he won't try or even make an effort ...........  I'm becoming angrier and angrier at this point at his apathy.  I'm at a loss for what to do now.    Does anyone have any insight to offer?


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ADHD is a reason to not be good at certain things, but It is not an excuse for not trying.

It sounds to me that he just does enough to keep you convinced things will get better. Maybe he doesn't do it on purpose, but the fact remains, he doesn't really seem interested in doing something about it.

It appears to me that you have basically tried to help someone who isn't really interested in dealing with their issues, more a responsability problem than an ADHD problem.

For your sake and his sake, put some thought into not makng his life so easy. People don't change when they are happy with the way things are. You can't keep this up forever, and it doesn't seem to be working. If you feel responsable for his son, then continue to care for him, but you don't need 2 kids to take care of.

I tried for 3 years to get my wife to change and/or get tested for ADHD. I have recently realized I have lost who I am because I tried to fix us for too long. Its tough because I feel if I tend to myself our marriage will suffer but I am emotionally unhealthy right now and can't take care of both of our emotional needs right now.    If this in any way sounds like your situation, don't let it get to this point. Go get some help for yourself. Your not his mother your his wife.

I got caught up in a fantasy of how we could be happy together instead of if we were happy now. That is a very bad coping skill. Again if this sounds like you, then take care of your own health.

 

Good Luck

I feel for you Patient1.  Sometimes, I can imagine my wife writing much the same thing about me...and that is a thought that truly saddens me.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can say that your husband is completely devoid of personal responsibility and accountability, and until he finds that within himself, you are screwed.

I quit smoking pot (I had a heavy habit) a while ago, because I knew that it was making things worse for me.  I have a child I adore, and I am willing to try what needs to be tried for her sake (and for my wifes).  It sounds to me that your husband is just absolutely unwilling to try anything, which makes him the biggest loser on Earth IMHO. 

You are enabling him.  You put up with his behaviour, and help him get through, so he feels no need to change.  Shame on him!  I suggest you let him read the message you wrote above, and if necessary, leave him.  I am trying my best to change and get past my condition for the sake of people I love.  I can't guarantee I'll succeed, but I am trying.  He is not.  If he hasn't clued in that he needs to at least try and get his sh*t together, then odds are he is not going to.  Leave now, before he ruins the rest of his life.  And don't accept any empty promises to 'change.'  Only accept actual effort (and even better actual results).

Your husband needs to find it within himself to be proactive.  I feel sorry for him for his condition, as I have it too, but I have NO sympathy or respect for his utter lack of will or accountability.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings....

  Parduse & Sensoukami. 

  Thank you very much for your time and your thoughtful responses.  These are the things I need to hear, and I know it.  It's been so hard because I do love him so much, and I just can't bear to think of how his son will be affected if I start to rattle cages - there's no way I can shelter him from the aftermath as it seeps into everything around you.   I had thought about having him read this post....and the responses.  I can't figure out or not yet if I have the guts to do it or not...... but to hear others thoughts is empowering me to move forward and to do what I should have done a long time ago and gives me more confidence that I am doing the right thing.  thanks.   

The following info gets pretty opinionated, and my opinion is sometimes swayed by emotion so if it sounds Assholeish (is that a word?) then just overlook my behaivour.

I agree with Sensoukami that you might be enabling him, which is sad because if you are then you are doing it with the best intentions. If you don't fear him getting violent, then the only way you can lose is to do nothing. I would venture to say his child is miserable too.

I think if you are going to do something about this then you can't go about it without full conviction about what you need to do. It appears that your relationship has the dynamic of you saying something that pisses him off, he gets mad, and you back down. I would not approach talking to him the same way he is accustomed to. he knows that way and knows how to get his way. I would try one of two ways, but either way you can't back down.

1. Appeal to his heart in a way he cannot argue and still be resonable.

Maybe write him a letter telling him how you REALLY feel, sparing NO feelings. If it is how you feel then its how you feel, and he needs to know. If you do something like writing a letter then form the sentences on how you feel, instead of what he does. kind of like appealing to his empathy, instead of putting him on the defensive. If your scared then you don't even have to be home when he reads it. Don't get accusitory. That would put him on the defensive, and you don't want that. You want him to stay open to WANTING to help you. 

2. Shock the hell out of him. Knock him out of this shell of excuses.

Try increasingly stronger ways to shock him until he "gets it." Maybe start by not being his security blanket. Stop doing things for him that he can do for himself like laundry, cooking, etc. He was able to do them before he met you wasn't he? Start going out with your friends more. (Be careful with this one though, you want to get across your unhappy. Not that your looking for his replacement.) Do things that make you feel happy and better about yourself. He can't make you take care of him, and he may need to miss you some to realize how much you mean to him. Keep him uncomfortable! The situation may be salvagable, but he may need a kick in the ass to see how serious things are.

If that doesn't work get increasingly shocking. Take it to whatever level you can relate your unhappiness to. If you are so unhappy that you want out, let him know. If you do don't just tell him "you might want out," tell him a list of apartments you have looked at and you have made a budget. Show him your serious.

Whatever you decide to do DO NOT RESPOND TO HIS ANGER THE SAME WAY YOU HAVE BEEN. This shows him he can win and make it go away by getting angry. In fact, if you can, don't even acknowledge he is angry. Anger is his only hold on you, and to ignore it is to take it away from him. Remain calm, patient and don't give in, and I bet he drops the anger defense. If he continues to yell past what you can take then calmly and patiently go to your car and go to the mall or something. If he questions you on why your leaving, then calmly and patiently tell him that "I am sorry you are angry, but I am not going to sit her and be yelled at, I will be back later when you have calmed down." Or something else that states the facts, but doesn't place blame or make accusations.

I don't for one second think this is easy for you to do, but you have to do something.

Be firm in your voice but not aggressive or defensive (You have nothing to defend.) The more ways you can act different than you normally act, the more uneasy he will be, and the more sincere you come across. Don't give into arguing with him. Arguing validates that he may have a point. You don't care about words anymore, you want to see actions. (As a wise man once said "I don't want to hear about the labor pains, just show me the baby.")

Like you said, show him this site if you need to. Plenty of people here would be willing to try and help him (including me), but he has to get over being an asshole first and ask for help.

Patient1! Geess! Your husband, as you present him is very like me as i was before i "Accepted Responsibility" for doing something about managing myself in such a way that i no longer harm those close to me. Your DH will go on frustrating u and deflecting onto u as long as u enable him to. If he is allowed to go on using u he will "Never" accept he must take needed steps to get appropriate self management system into his life's behavour and thought routine.

I will shut up now!!! Hey! u are Totally on the right course with what you said in the last post. It is hard when your heart is saying, Oho!

 REMEMBER, PLEASE! others have travelled the road you are on now and have made it through. This u already know in your heart and instinct, so trust them, they are part of your armoury. The other fact of life is we are equiped with the means to go on, even in the situations like this.

Thank You!

Parduse, thanks for your time.    Yeah, I've known I've been enabling him for sometime now -  you see, the way it kept working out is that once or twice a year he would make the promise to me that he'd stop smoking (cause he knows that's a contributor to our problems) and then go talk to the doc about trying a med to help....... so I do the over-managing of all things because I want him to focus on his promise and I know that work becomes even harder when he's not self-meding....... then more and more time goes by and he would periodically report his progress, but then something would always happen that would send him in a spiral and back to square one (someone he knew passes away, he has an accident and hurts himself & is in pain, someone he knows/family is in trouble or in a bad situation and the worry gets to him).  And so the cycle has gone on.  Right now, we're in the reporting phase again....he's shown me some really positive steps forward and has reported a new action plan for work for next week and moving forward to help us more financially.  It all looks so good, it's hard to not try to be optimistic, because if I don't show any confidence when he is making an effort - then he'll just feel his efforts are not noticed and not bother.  The trick is, will he come through, or let it go like he has the last 4 years...   Actually - his son is quite happy, as is my husband.  They both have many people around them who love them dearly and who knock themselves out to show them they are loved and that we're there to help.  I am that for my husband, my stepson is with us 1/2 the time & has 4 very dedicated and loving parents who understand ADHD.  My husband loves his son to death - he will always try to do his best with him to be a really good parent and he spends a lot of time with him.  I don't have any complaints there.  When you get into shared responsibilities for taking care of a child (in addition to the complexities of info sharing between two households of parents to be able to effectively manage childhood ADHD during the school years)......that's where an additional responsibility problem lies - but that isn't something between him and his son, it's a problem between me and my husband  (he will always take care of the initial needs of his son, love, affection, spend time and have fun with him and show him support in all he does).  He's a good man, I think he just has a major responsibility issue.     The most recent arguments just go over the same material over and over (and I state that this is nothing he hasn't heard before) and I think it's not necessarily always anger that comes out of him, but extreme frustration - one of his coping mechanisms is that he does keep busy - I can NEVER say he's lazy, he's definitely hyperactive, always doing something - so when I become frustrated that what I really need help with or what I asked him to do isn't done, then the return is always that he's been so busy (he'd choose to do 5 hours of hard labor in the yard cleaning up to avoid sitting down for 1 hour and sorting through some of his paperwork).   It's another level of complexity in my situation I didn't bother to add to my above novel - the problem is that he will most always choose to do things that aren't necessary or time sensitive. Things that I have expressed are important to me or his son (or should be really important to him, ie, please make this phone call or your license will be suspended) are often replaced with the non-necessary activities or chores.......so I can never say he doesn't do things......... it's that he won't do some things that really NEED to be done, or I find out for some reason he's avoiding something that would literally take 4 minutes to do and though there is no good reason for him not to do it- he just won't.  So, my only option so that things don't fall apart around us is that I take care of it because it's my protection of daily anxiety of never knowing if he will get it done or not (or disappointment if he never does it when he says he will).  When I try to convey this to him, the frustration overcomes reasoning (I just spend 5 hours out in the yard doing yardwork, and your upset with me!?!?! )   and I'm unreasonable because his hard work out in the yard wasn't good enough - I had to want more and am the one creating conflict by being disappointed the paperwork or whatever wasn't done.    He's never ever violent, I have no worries there - he really truly is a wonderful man and I strongly feel is my soul mate.  However, I'm also not dumb enough to let someone take advantage of me forever..........which will happen if I just do nothing.  This ADHD thing is so incredibly confusing and complex because NOTHING is consistent in its manifestations, treatments, and results.  It's almost like a new disorder/treatment path with each and every person who has it...   I think your first described step is a perfect start.  I think what I will do is this weekend, I'm going to deliver him an ultimatum that he needs to have called his doc by Tuesday and made an appt.  Simple as that.  If Tuesday comes and goes and he doesn't call, I will begin writing the letter.  it's a best option for me because I get nervous in the face of any conflict and then begin to fall apart if it escalates into frustration/anger ( I can admit I'm really weak there).  The letter will be concise, I'll put it all out there, backup my feelings with examples...... and see what reaction I get.  That's my initial plan.   If the reaction I get to the letter is the same apathy as usual, then I will go to your step 2, which would make a really big impact on him.  I in no way want out, but what his reaction will be to the things I'm planning to do will ultimately show me if this relationship is something I need to get out of before I completely lose myself in the shuffle, which I know is bound to happen.      Well, wish me luck.   I'll let you know Wed. if  I have made any progress.   Thanks for your help.    

Patient139137.7026273148

Patient1.

You have come a long, long way to get to this point.... If your DH does open up today with Doc and his actions after give a clear indication.. U are married to a Man in the true sense of the word. Now his reality is about to be strongly brought into his focus and he will either run from it or he will accept responsibility and seek professional supports to assist him in the permanent changes required.

REMEMBER! all it takes is for him to see is a task well done by himself and your recognition of that expressed in some way u know will be valued by him.

Good Luck!!!!

  Thanks ryan1950.   Well, I'm still working on the accepting responsibility, it has still been a struggle for me to get him to realize that the "I have been too busy"(s) and the "I was going to do it"(s) are not true reason's nor acceptable excuses...........

However - Here is an update.  He HAS called the doc and has an appt for today.  I'm still wary (hate to always be thinking doom and gloom, but I can't help it anymore) that he will go and only touch base on the annual exam thing because he needed to do that too, but it is still a step forward.  But, on an even better note - he has AGREED with me last night (for the first time) that we can try to set him up with a dayminder and he'll also let me set him up with a schedule that has more structure to it for his work week.  Don't know where it will lead, but it is a huge step forward if he actually cooperates with me on it... and if he does, then there's no doubt in my mind that things in general will go a lot better for all of us.  If he sees that and begins to enjoy the rewards of that, he might realize that this is what he needs to do and embrace it.  Who knows, but I actually felt progress last night for the first time in a long while.   It's enough to keep me going......

Thanks all, I'll report back as things happen (good or bad... *rollseyes*).    :) 


Patient139141.4476851852