at wits end | ADHD Information

My partner was diagnosed with ADD 'inattentive' type this past November. Her son who came to live with us this past August is ADHD as well. His coming to live with us was not expected at all. She also has an 11 year old daughter who lives with us and she and I are very close. No problems whatsoever with her. My background is that I'm retired Navy. I'm very organized and very time conscious. Something my partner is not.

Because of the stress we knew her son would bring to our home, I thought it was a good idea to go to counseling ourselves. Her ADD was discovered during the course of that counseling as our therapist is quite well versed with ADHD. Her partner and children have it too and when I pointed out many instances of things that were driving me nuts, the therapist began asking her a series of questions. I won't go into all that as I"m sure you have the idea, eg. no concept of timeliness, (always burning food) unorganized, low frustration tolerance, etc.

I took notice to some really 'different' behavior changes in her when her son came to live with us and at the same time she took on a new position as director of an elderly rehabiliation facility. Both of which are extremely demanding. I liken it to a juggler who could juggle three balls just fine but got two more thrown into the mix and absolutly could not handle it.

By October, I began to see our relationship taking an extreme back seat. At times I would get so frustrated at being 'ignored' that I wanted to end the relationship. We weren't intimate and there was a lot of stress. She finally began to take the drug Adderall and it seemed to help-- at first. I saw a marketed improvement in her personality. She began to clean up the house, cook, take personal responsibility, help me in talking things through. But that has since all but gone away.

Many of our issues surround her son too, with whom, I have very little tolerance for his behavior. At 14 he's failed two grades and is in sixth grade. He failed both 5th and 6th grade while living with his father. He went to live with him when he was 8 as the doctors thought it best for him to be live with the male parent since he was showing abusive tendencies toward his mother. He refused to do homework and would throw his books at her. I was stunned when I learned he wanted to live with us, but given the huge difference in how we live compared to his father, I can understand his desire for it even though we're a lot more strict with him. His father treats him like an equal which also lent itself to this kids lack of respect for female authority. So, when he doesen't get his way, he acts out in very passive aggressive and alot of my frustration centers on his disrespect toward our rules, his mother and myself. He's been in therapy but it's not as frequent as it should be. The last time he went was this past November.

Other than taking Adderall, my partner hasn't really addressed her issues with this. She now doesn't want to go to couples therapy any longer because the therapist pretty much agress with me on most issues and she knows it.

At first, I bought her books (that I've read) about ADD woman. She hasn't read them. I've tried everything I know to communicate that we need to be open with each other and I allow her to discuss the things that both make her happy and bother her or just the course of what makes up her day, but when something bothers me, it's never a good time to bring it up. Its either too early, or the kids are still up, or we're eating or whatever. I've even asked when is a good time and the answer is "I dont' know" I see much of this as very passive aggressive behaviors.

She doesn't seem to understand that I can't live with this constant avoicance of our issues. At this point she refuses to let me vent my frustrations without some display of not wanting to be bothered. At one time when I asked to talk to her privately in the bedroom, she came in, layed on the bed with her eyes shut. Other times she will not look at me when I speak to her. At one point I asked to speak to her about something and she told me, "give me five minutes"... she was bidding on something on Ebay. Five minutes turned into 35 minutes. She would later say, "i'm sorry, I didn't realize it was going to take that long" Of course after the five minutes was up, then ten, then fifteen, she didn't say anything then either. Highly frustrating.

She finds excuses not to go to therapy anymore and says that I don't check with her when I schedule appts. So, when I said that she should go ahead and schedule them, her reply was that it was my insurance taking care of it and that she wasn't going to call. First off the therapist knows it's my insurance and it doen't matter if its me or her that calls. So, when pressed further she said she din't want to go "at this point" When I tried to discuss the way I feel she didn't want to discuss that either. Mind you, hours and days would go by without these issues being brought up and when they are brought up, it's by me because I get to the point that I cant stand it anymore. When "we" talk, it seems that I do all the talking. Like a monologe. It's one thing to have to live with a disrespectful ADHD kid. I've been to our therapist alone and she's given me ideas of how to deal with him and I've looked at this from every perspective but when my partner refuses to acknowlege my frustrations and avoids it when her kid does something to piss me off then I find I have very little in the way of support coming from her. For two years I never saw this behavior. Now in the third year of our relationship I'm seeing behaviors I"ve never before seen. Where she was once caring and compassionate, she's avoidant and passive aggressive.

I just find this extremely passive aggressive and so frustrating that it's getting to the point where this morning, I took her clothes and threw them everywhere demanding that she pack her stuff and leave. I'm being pushed to the breaking point and it's scaring me that I'm feeling this way. She starts crying and acts as if I'm some kind of monster. I told her that if we lose our house she's going to wish that she did more to help our relationship and her response was that she was sure that would be the case. If that's true then why does she do this? I am at my wits end.

Lee,

thanks for the response and the comment, "don't enable her behavior anymore".. I've thought about that alot. I've had two of my friends tell me to ask her to pack her things and move out of my bedroom. At this point she's sleeping on the couch but her belongings are in my room and she uses my (the masterbath) bathroom as well. She tells me "it takes two" with regard to the bad behavior. The difference I suppose is that I've been asking her to help me fix this and she is the one who says "NO". So, they also tell me to give her a notice to vacate in 30 days. I have a terrible cold. Been home since Monday. Her daughter came home today early. I called her mother (I never call her at work) to ask why isn't she in extended day. The response is that she's supposed to be in extended day. At this point, the girl was gone with her bike, but I wasn't sure. The next thing I know she says to me. "I'm busy have her call me when she gets back in".. CLICK. She hung up on me. This is the part I'm furious with. THe dismissive disregarding behavior. All I hear is how they "rake her over the coals" at her job. So, in the past I've tried to be understanding. Me? I'm retired Navy and currently work for the DoD as a contract specialist. Man, am I tired of her attitude.

Perhaps I'm on the wrong board but it seems to me that these boards aren't very supportive to the partner of someone with ADD/ADHD. I cross posted this in the hopes of getting a large number of responses and this post has received none. If there are boards out there more geared toward the partners, then it would be great if someone could provide a link because it's obvious to me that there isn't much support here unless you're the one with ADD/ADHD.

I'm sorry. I wanted to post. It's a hard post to read for us with ADD. For me, it kinda reminds me that I must be frustrating to my husband like this.

I think it boils down to you making a choice to either stay or leave but if you stay, to not enable this behavior anymore. While she can't help being ADD, she can give a damn about herself and her relationships to at least really try to overcome it and make her life what it really can be......not just give up and always have an excuse. It is very hard, though, for her and yes, for you as well.

Keep us posted and sorry you felt alone. I did read it, I just thought others would post.

Lee7439141.3171990741

Well, it takes two to have a relationship but you didn't give her ADD. The "takes two" thing means, if you really care, you'd be behind her all the way and supportive..........but only IF she gets off her own ass and takes responsibility for her own life. I will admit, that, at least it feels like this to me, we can be making an effort or trying and to a non ADDer it might not look like it but she seems to be coasting and getting away with murder. She doesn't seem to be suffering too much, just using it as a blanket excuse for shoddy behavior.

Stop being her mom and just tell her "it's like this" and mean it. You're not giving up on her, you're simply asking her to TRY. Answer this......do you honestly think she is trying but as a non ADDer you just can't relate or do you really think she's just coasting on her diagnosis and doing nothing at all to help herself get around it or improve her life, etc? It's the latter, put your damn foot down. Even if it's the former, you still have a choice. You can love people but just not have it in you to deal with them. You don't sound like that. You sound like you want to try but it's just you that is trying and it's her with the ADD.

Why change if you make it easy to not change? Remove yourself from her problems. She'll either wake up or she won't but you have to also be accountable for your own decisions, too.

Hang in there whatever you do.

What is your definition of "trying"?.. seriously. Because trying to me means, you do what you can to manage the ADD. You read, you join a group, you go to therapy (I've offered to send her to ours by herself). It also means that you make the attempt at making "us" time. Which she's done that to an extent, but when we're alone, nothing really goes no between us......I feel like I have to make an appt just to talk to her.

When she hung up on me a while ago, I called her back and told her that hanging up on me was rude and unneccessary. She hyperfocuses on her job and her son overwhelms her and when I complain that our relationship is being neglected she just says she doesn't know how to fix it.

I've asked her to TRY. Asking again is part of the "broken record" syndrone that I feel like I'm harping on. It's time to put my foot down.

After she kept up with these refusals one after the other, I called her a b!tch. Something I have't done in a while. She's done that too, and said later "because you are one"...but of course when I said it, I was this most horrible person and "how could you say that to your own girlfriend"

Hey, we're all bitches sometime so I wouldn't sweat calling her that. lol

Trying means just what you said. Reading, at least having another appointment that you're waiting on if the Adderall isn't really helping anymore, finding a group.........uh, maybe getting online here like we all are and you are and just venting and asking questions. I'm sure having her kid is making it much harder for her but you still have to get her to get help getting around her ADD. It will make everyone involved happier......including herself.

I have to say that November wasn't really all that long ago for something that's gone undiagnosed for this long and impacts your life so much but it just doesn't sound like she wants to progress and follow thru on her attempts in the past. Giving up on herself like that is also going to drive you nuts, too.

[QUOTE=Trish29]

Hey, we're all bitches sometime so I wouldn't sweat calling her that. lol

I like your style. You must be from up north.. She's sensitive. Name calling is a big deal to her, but she blames me for 'normalizing' it. Whatever. Noone should do that but don't blame me for what flies out of your own mouth.

She also says things like "You can blame me for all of it".. and I can't stand that. .. just own your own stuff please. And.. she says the relationship is up to me. She won't end it. She doesnt' want to work at it, but she won't end it either. That would mean having to uproot her kids and move. She once told me that if she had to "move I'll die".. oh? What happend to "If I lose this relationship, I'll die".. she said it meant the same thing. I don't think it does. But I did tell her that she had to do something about this, i.e. get therapy for this issue or the relationship was over. Simple as that. And I asked. Are you going to? She said "not at this point".. and later said, it didn't mean she never would. But I don't believe her. She reminds me of an active alcoholic who is making excuses. Mind you. She never says.. 'well the ADD is causing blah blah blah".. to me it's as though she doesn't own it, yet takes the pills for it anyway so that she can focus on work while everything else goes to sh*t.

I think we all have our own self perceptions. What I perceive as stubborn and passive aggressive, she sees as being flummoxed, tired and no ability to give anything.. just like you said-- giving up on herself.

She called about 20 minutes ago asking about her daughter and I told her that just before she hung up on me I was getting up to see if she was still in the house.. but "then you hung up"... I also told her that perhaps she thinks she's above apologies to which she said she felt above nothing and in fact felt below everything. So I think sometimes I misread what she's thinking and I think there must have come a point where she's felt that I'm not approachable anymore where she once did. I need to find out when that happened.

[/QUOTE]

Wow, is it that obvious? LOL, yes, I am from and live in.....the Northeast.

Sensitive? I was sensitive. I would feel for my dolls and stuffed animals and cry at everything. I was way too sensitive as a kid and probably still am. Sensitive means you also feel for other people too. She minds "names" but please, she minds "bitch"? If that's the worst you get, you're lucky. Yet, she can hyper focus and be abrupt and rude to you by hanging up.

I think you're probably sensitive too because while I agree that it's uncool, rude, selfish, etc, I think I get the hang up thing. It's almost like she knows you so well, she's gotta go, click. Not an excuse but I would just roll my eyes at the phone and honestly think or say to myself......."oh yeah? fine, then YOU worry about YOUR kid and I'm going to go out and chew bubble gum, smart ass" And just let it go. Seriously, it's on her now.

She's right ....you can't blame her for all of your relationship but she is accountable for her own contributions to it. Every relationship has issues. ADD added to it just makes it even harder because it's inevitable that every couple has stuff to work out. It's not the same thing.

I do think it's really cool that you don't just bail and you care enough to try to see things thru her eyes. I get the feeling that it does eat away at her self esteem but that passive aggressive manipulative b.s. ("I'll die if I have to move") needs to stop. You can't be God and having all of this on you while she doesn't have to make an effort about her ADD. I just think it's great that you don't just walk away so easily. We all could have ADD but we don't. Some of us do and it's not our fault even if it's not to be an "excuse." It is a bitch, though esp for those of us of a certain age that went all this time not knowing and having no other coping skills or behaviors.

She also seems to have two speeds. Inert and spaz or hyper focused. I hate to say but I think I get that. It's possible that, like you said, maybe somehow you've become "unapproachable" and maybe you could sit her down and ask her to explain that further and then maybe you can understand her more but if she brushes it off or keeps on avoiding at least making an effort with this new discovery about herself vs just using it as her get out of blame for free card......then you just have to at least put your foot down about letting some of her problems get to you so much. Or leave but if it's hard like it is for me (notice this is what I call advice. Don't do as I do.......I never give up on people. I'm just a softie like that) then you could at least minimize the amount of cleaning up after her or letting her moods or actions affect your whole day.

Sometimes people cut the crap when they see it doesn't yield any results. In that respect, you are contributing to it. She maybe doesn't know any other dynamic. If nothing else, you'll feel better.

Lee7439141.5917476852

Hey, we're all bitches sometime so I wouldn't sweat calling her that. lol