blended families and ADHD - HELP! | ADHD Information

Have you considered counseling for the kids as well?  Play therapy has made a world of difference for my son.

Over the past 2 years I've watched my best friend and her husband work through the process of blending families and it's hard work.  Only one of theirs has ADHD, but aside from that the children have really struggled with figuring out how they fit into this new family.  One of the things that was really helpful was assigning them all chores.  It helped them all feel as though they were important to the family.  They would have the 2 boys work together on larger jobs, so they could at least commiserate about how unfair it was and how much it sucked. 

SusieB, I know I have to do something, but what? Does the stress of your kids trigger siezures for you? I am just a mess now. Life was so simple last year. I was healthy, excited about my wedding, my kids and I were in a great place. Now my world is just turned upside down. You know 2 out of 3 epilepsy patients suffer from depression. I about a month ago, had to get on meds for depression. I am just ready for there to be peace in my household again.One other thing and then I'll shut up.  I have three responses to whining and complaining.

1)  "Suck it up and move on!"
2)  "You'll live."
3)  "Tough!"

They end a lot of whining and debate.  You're welcome to file the serial numbers of of any one or all of them and use them as your own.  HTH
I don't have a blended family like you do.  I have a husband and a son.  You've got 4 kids you're looking after and refereeing and a husband.  I've been through periods of pure hell with my son, but it's really apples and oranges when I try to compare it to your situation.

There are two types of depression:  Clinical (chemical imbalance) and situational.  I think you've got #2.  Meds will help, but to get rid of the depression, the situation has to change.  When I sit and stew about a situation, I can push myself into a seizure.  It hasn't happened often, but it's a trigger and you already know that. 

You've just got to go on the Warpath.  That the situation is pushing you into seizures is totally unacceptable.  I'm not in your shoes when it comes to family, but I'm going to tell you what I'd try.  I'd put my foot down. 

1)  Tell your husband that you're going to discipline his kids when they do something to hurt yours and that the only way you'll stop is when he starts doing the discipline.  If he steps in and handles his own kids, terrific.  If he doesn't, then you do what you think is fair. 

2)  Put those kids on notice.  Let all four them know that cruelty, lying (whatever you have a problem with) is going to be punished.  Set out the standard and let them know you're not going to tolerate it if they cross the line.  It's important to let these kids know that the same rules apply to all.  If they object and say you can't punish them, after all you're not their mom, tell them that they're living in your house, you're the adult and they're the kids.  You are in charge, not the other way around.  You expect them to have manners and some consideration for others.  Tell them you're not going anywhere so they'd better get used to your rules.  You have the responsibility of raising your two kids to be reasonably polite, self-sufficient, considerate adults.  Since your husband's kids live in the same house, they're along for the ride.  Tell them you love them too much to let them grow up to be buttheads.  Here's the deal:  This is not negotiable.  These kind of guidelines are what YOU need to be able to live through this and gain the victory.

You seem to be the one catching all the crap from everyone in your house right now.  It's time to throw it back to whoever is throwing it at you.  I tell my son:  If you make me miserable, I'm gonna make you miserable.

Next, you've got to come up with punishments.  I'm not talking about 75 years worth of grounding.  What you need are immediate punishments that executed and then over with.  Does one of your kids just have to have his/her IPOD going all the time?  Take away the IPOD for 24 hours.  Do they drive?  Lift the keys.  Try to make the punishment fit the crime if possible.  My son knows to listen and do what I say, because I make up good, unexpected punishments.  Don't try to use one punishment for all the kids.  What gets the attention of one of them, won't faze another. 

At the same time, take these kids with you to family counseling.  I'm betting these are good kids that have been allowed to do what they like and it's been bad for them.  You might not make them better, more considerate human beings, but they will at least know that you expect consideration from them.  You are not asking this of them because you're their stepmom.  You're telling them this because you're a human being and you expect to be treated with respect.  You expect them to treat their step-sibs with respect as well.  These kids have to see that you love them and are there for them but you expect them to be civilized.  If they've got ADHD, get the dxed and on a treatment plan like meds or supplements or whatever.  My son knows that I'm his biggest fan and supporter, but that I mean business when it comes to his behavior.

As I said, I haven't ever dealt with the issues you're faced with.  I've just given you what I'd do in a similar situation.  I hope this helps.  I prayed for you today and I will tomorrow, too, so know you're being supported in prayer.  If you pray, include these kids in your prayers.  It sounds like they need it. 

Sorry I went on so long.  pm me if you need to.  Hang in there.  You can make a difference in these kids' lives. 

Have you read Dr. Phil's book Family First?  It's GREAT!  I don't care for some of the dribble he puts out, like his weight loss book.  But that Family First if FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!  I Loved it.  My sister, who loves to read, but hates Dr. Phil read it and loved it. She has a blended family too and it has really helped her.  You should really buy a copy of it and read it.  I read it 3 times.  And I used a pen and high lighter and made notes and high lighted all over it.  It's a great tool for any family, but there is a special section for blended families. 

Oh, yeah, Welcome to the board!

If I may suggest marriage counseling may help for it sounds like many issues to work out.  Sometimes change is hard on our children.

susieb...all great advice..I have been following this thread but not responding because I am also not a part of a blended family. 

But I am a parent of 4 children, and what you say about different punishments for each personality/child.  When my girls were young, and one of them had been acting out, for Jonna, requiring her to go to her dad's greasy, smelly shop as a punishment (instead of being allowed to go with, or when she was old enough, to stay home alone)while I went shopping or whatever, worked well, but for Chelsea, the same shop was an adventure and her favorite place to be....I agree, you just gotta know where to squeeze.....once you find that sweet spot, you are home free.....

I agree with susieb, the rules should apply to all, whether the kids are yours or not, they should be showing respect for the rules and the other inhabitants of the house.  Everyone should be happier once it is all laid on the table.

Good luck to you.

 I got married last June. I was a single mother with 2 kids for 9 years. My 2 children are very well behaved. My husband has full custody of 2 of his children. They both have "full on" ADHD. They were raised most of the time by their grandparents who spoiled them rotten. They let them get away with their tantrums. I don't know what to do. I am so lost. His son beats up on my son. My son is so sweet, and was looking forward to living with the little boy he thought was going to be his best friend. My son won the "most Compassionate" award at school last year. He is so heartbroken. My husband's daughter is driving my daughter "up the wall". It is causing so many problems. Please, some advice?

Welcome,

You will find help and support here.

Change is tough for kids and can make everything even worse.

What treatments are the kids on?

Aside form that, a good behavior plan is helpful. Look inot ogram's marble system at the top of the parent's board. It is a positive reinforcement behavior plan that helps for ADHD kids. I use it for allowance at our house and we have had alot of success with it. An alternative to this would be the book 1 2 3 Magic.

Another question, since ADHD is hereditary, does thier dad have it? It gets reall interesting with untreated parents and thier kids.

Yes, their dad had ADHD. He understands them, and doesn't like for me to get onto them. The problem is, when his son, is physically hurting my son, what am I supposed to do. I cry constantly. I thought marraige was supposed to be happy, but why do I constantly find myself in tears. I have epilepsy and it was under control until i got married, and now I have siezures all the time. the kids are on adderall, and clonidine to get them to sleep. They see a psych once a month. I will check out that plan. Every little bit of advice helps.I just read the "marble system". I will get the containers tomorrow. Do you think I should do this for all the kids, even my two without ADHD?

Yes, all the kids for the marbles. I only use one container per kid (plus a container for each of the 2 types of marbles I use). I use inexpensive containers from Michael's (craft store) and got small round marbles (for 1s) and larger flat marbles in a different color (for 10s). These were the type you fill vases with, also at the craft store. This cuts the number of marbles you have to have. Discuss with the kids this way of doing their allowance and the advantages of earning marbles to exchange for privleges and cash. Make charts that have the behaviors you want to see and what they are worth. Make another chart of the behaviors that cause loss of marbles and how many. Make a chart with the things they can turn marbles in for (extra time on tv or game, stay up late, cash, other things they want- get thier input). Since I let the kids turn in 100 marbles (10 of the big ones) in for ( of which goes into college savings) that makes each marble worth 10 cents. Use that information to assign values to behaviors. Only strart with about 3 of the behaviors you want to see and make sure they can earn marbles not always lose them (this is positive reinforcement).

I would suggest you try to get you and hubbie into conseling so that the two of you can better work as a team in the new family. If he won't go, go by yourself. Kids who are defiant when younger, are the ones most at risk for subatance abuse and brushes with the law. Hubbie may not understand how much the kids are at risk.

My husband and I just started counseling, and I hope it works. I love him so much, and truly meant my vows. I just can't do all this alone, while he spends most of the day at work (until 8 or 9 central time). Then when he does get home, he just sits in front of the TV while I try to get the kids in bed. I am hurting. I can't do this alone.jen, I have epilepsy too.  You already know this, but the stress you're under is triggering the seizures.  If your dh comes home at nine and veges out in front of the TV, then he doesn't really have any right to tell you how to discipline the kids, even the ones that aren't yours.  And if they're hurting your kids, you've got to do something.  You're in my prayers.  Hang in there.