ADD teen in trouble | ADHD Information

Vickie has a good suggestion about career counseling.  He still needs to be able to make connections between what he is doing now and how it will help or hinder him reaching his goals.  I don't know if anything like this is around where you live, but ADD coaching is available for kids and adults to have a counselor/coach help them learn strategies for living and reaching their goals.  

When stressed, my youngest acts much younger (at 7 she found the old baby bottles and filled one with milk and crawled into my lap talking baby talk). Remember that ADHDers are less mature than thier peers (by about 30%), and the stress of independence for one who is not ready can be terrifying.

I would look at the meds and see if adjustment is needed. If they are at and inefective dose (it sounds like this may be the case), or if he is not taking them, it could explain some of the difficulties at school and the other behaviors. Is there a childrens hospital or university with a child development team in the area. These may have ADHD coaching that your son might benefit from, to help him transition into adulthood. Does he know what he is doing after he graduates or does he have no set goals and plans?

Bethann and Vickie, thank you for your replies!  I also wonder if he is setting himself up, maybe unconsiously.  He has no set plans after high school right now.  We had always assumed (before this trouble) that he would go to college locally. We paid for him to enroll in two classes at the beginning of this year at the local community college.  We let him select the ones that appealed to him, but limited it to two so he wouldn't be overwhelmed.  So he had his high school english and then these two classes (philosophy and history).  It didn't take long for him to stop attending class (unbeknownst to us) and to eventually fail them.  He is on Adderall, which was bumped up to 40 mg a couple of months ago.  It still doesn't seem to be helping him.  Back when he was on 30 mg he was smoking marjijuana pretty regularly it turned out, so we had him re-evaluated.  We live in an area with no real ADHD specialists, so finding someone good is difficult.  Right now he is scheduled to see a psychiatrist in a month, but we have to wait until then because he only sees age 18+. 

Look around at the references as you scroll down on Dr. Barkley's site:

http://www.russellbarkley.org/adhd-facts.htm#READINGS

There is also a book called "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy":

http://addwarehouse.com/shopsite_sc/store/html/you-mean-im-n ot-lazy-stupid-or-crazy.html

Maybe some career counseling would help. If he can have a career goal, he can start working toward it. He can always start getting those gen ed courses out of the way while he decides. Maybe that will take some pressure off of him.

Hi stressed out! I read your post and wonder if your son is trying to fail on purpose? He was so on track prior that I just had to ask He is probably really smart like so many other ADHD'ers that for such a change I just wondered?!

I would ask your son "what is he afraid of", because I really think he may be setting himself up, if you know what I mean. To all of a sudden change, something is up. And the girlfriend dumped him, and now marijuana rehab, I wonder if he is taking his ADHD meds or if they are even working to begin with?! When is the last time you talked with his prescribing doctor for ADHD medication?

All I h ear is that as long as our adhd'ers are taking their meds, that they are the least at risk for drug abuse, now I am concerned after reading your post!

I am writing this as I am at a complete loss as to what to do next.  My son turns 18 next month and is due to graduate high school.  He was diagnosed ADHD in kindergarten and was on Ritalin for a long time, on which he did well.  He is not on Adderall. He is basically a good kid, friendly and caring.  However, it has been one issue after another with him since his junior year.  His grades dropped drastically.  He doesn't do his school work.  He got fired from his part time job for not showing up for a shift.  His girlfriend dumped him.  Now he is in outpatient rehab for marijuana use.  We have had trouble with him sneaking out of the house at night and lying to us repeatedly.  He is never violent, and wants everyone to like him and think he's "cool".  At this point he has only one class (English) that he's taking, since that's all he needs to graduate.  The first 10 years of school he did really well and he is very bright.  Now though he is in danger of failing and not graduating because he is not turning in his english work.  He has all the time in the world to get it done, but isn't doing it!  He keeps telling his teacher he is going to turn it in, but then never does.  He is supposed to play lacrosse, and if he doesn't get a passing grade he can't play, much less graduate.  I just can't figure out what is going on with him.  He knows what he needs to do, but won't do it.  He says he is finding it difficult to do his work, get organized, etc.  but refuses our help.  His Adderall does not appear to be helping him at all from what I see.  I am so worried about my son.  His behavior seems self-sabatoging to me.  Does anyone have any insight that might help?

Hi Stressed out. So sorry to hear all that you are going through.

Does your son get to go out and do things with friends etc? I would take away privelges until he turns in all his work. I may even take away everything car, cell phone, video games if those apply to him. Whatever he really likes to do. Tough love is really hard to do, but sometimes you have to force yourself, for your child. I had to do it to my oldest several years ago, and it really helped, although he is not ADD.Do you know if he is clean from drugs now? Drugs could be the reason for most of his behavior It may not have anything to do with ADD. Im not saying thats true, just suggesting.I would also do all that was mentioned above. Have his meds re-eval by his Doc. Also, Im glad to see he is starting counseling. Hopefully he will be able to open up to the therapist.

Hang in there, its tough I know. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Heres a hug

I know that most teens go through some depression and have heard that it affects kids with ADHD more than others.  I wonder if the lack of motivation and rebellion is a symptom of underlying depression?  This is something you may want to talk to the psychiatrist about. 

On antother tangent, how was DS doing in school when he was smoking pot (other than that he was smoking pot)?  It's not a behavior I would ever encourage, but since marijuana is a *drug* and has pharmecutical uses, if he was doing better during that period, maybe a psychiatrist could suggest something more appropriate?

Best of luck, hang in there!

Thanks everyone for your replies/suggestions.  Chase is in an outpatient rehab program now for his marijuana use, and we hope that it will help.  For now it seems that he has quit.  He is also trying to quit smoking cigarettes, thank goodness.  We are still having alot of trouble with getting him motivated to do anything of importance.  He just seems to want to hang out with his friends and lay around when he is not doing that.  I will try to see if I can find anyone who does ADHD coaching around here.  Up to this point the closest I've found is two hours from here, and I can't get him to committ to that.  Please keep us in your prayers!

StressedOut, my friend, you are not alone (see despret mom seeking advice, suggestions).  You said one thing that got me thinking.  You said your son knows the things he needs to be doing, but won't do them.  I am ADHD too, so I can tell you this from experience.  In my head and even on paper, I can list out all the things I need to do, but without my medicine, no matter how hard I will myself, I just can't get my act in gear.  When I started taking Adderal, one of the first things I noticed was it helped me with procrastination.  Because of this, I'm thinking, maybe it's time for him to get a medicine check.

I can sooo relate to the  frustration of watching your son not doing or being able to do the things he needs to do to be sucessful in life.  Sometimes I just want to shake my son and yell 'what are you thinking?!'  But a part of growing up, is making mistakes and learning to deal with the consequenses of them.  And a part of parenting is learning not to take things our kids do personally and to trust that we did our job raising them, and that they will be ok in the end.  Ok, so I know it doesn't take away from that desire to shake them lol.

 

 

Thanks Calicorose, that is great advice.  Sometimes it is so hard to be positive when you are feeling angry and disappointed.  But, it is very important to build his esteem.  I'll keep on trying!

Graciepoints, when he was using marijuana alot his grades bottomed out at a 1.08 GPA!  He was constantly cutting classes to go get high and consequently fell way behind in his school work.  Now he's clean and only has one class, which he attends every day.  His teacher says he participates too.  Unfortunately, he refuses to do any homework or studying, so he is now failing.  He is supposed to be working on a research paper, but will not do the work.  This despite knowing it means getting kicked off the lacrosse team and not graduating!  The more I try to push, the less he seems to do. 

I wonder about depression too, although he doesn't seem depressed, unless he's being asked to do something that requires effort on his part!  I, however, am extremely depressed over how he is throwing his life away.  Actually, I alternate between being depressed and in tears and being angrier than I could ever imagine. Needless to say, it is putting a real strain on me, including my health, and on my marriage as well.  My husband, who is my son's stepdad, is fed up with the whole thing.  My son turns 18 this month, and given that no amount of effort on my part seems to be helping, I am starting to think I need to just let go of it and let him do what he's going to do.  Maybe he is a person who won't listen until he has serious consequences.  I hate to do that, and it is very hard for me to think about.  I am an overprotective mom!

Hi Stressedout.  I don't know if I have any words of advice, but I can relate. My son is 14, and he is also on the low end of motivation, iniative.  Always has been.  I can see how your son feels though, from talking with my son about things.  When he gets overwhelmed, and this is a guy thing too, he just shuts down if not off.  He wants to do the work, but it just seems too much, and there is an element of fear there too. He knows he may fail.  He's afraid to grow up and have responsibilites and more expectations.  You son just lost a job, a girl, and he probably has the same fear issues right now of rejection.  It's safe where he is right now.  I think you are doing the right things and getting him the help he needs.  Definitely get a recheck on the meds, and go for the counseling.  He is probably feeling things and doesn't even know what!  His dad was that way, he was very depresses, but never thought he was or admitted he was.  BUT, the actions spoke, so step back and take a look at your son and see if that may be the case too.  My heart goes out to you.  I've had days like you are having now as well.  I cannot say whether you should let go or not either, sometimes these kids to take a while to grow up, and need more guidance for longer.  Wait and see what the experts say before doing anything rash.  MOST IMPORTANT, let him know if you can several times a day, and smile when you say this no matter what you are feeling inside, that you love him, and you love him no matter what, and praise him and compliment him for things, even if they are small things, that he did right or well or just because he did something sweet or caring.  You are his source of confidence-building and self-esteem right now, so take full advantage of your time while you still have it.