husband has ADD | ADHD Information

Newfree,

You somewhat described me, in your description of your husband. The only difference is that I would rather suffer at work and be un-productive, than to sacrafice my life at home.  I am currently going through different levels of Adderall, Ritalin, and Dexedrine.  While all worked initially, they of course worked to varying degrees, and for example right now Adderall really helps me be very empathetic, it is absolutlely horrible for focus.  The Ritalin was just too mild, and the dosage was up to 25mg to be effective.  Right now I am back on Dexedrine, which helps on the focusing (not as much relief from short tempered-ness as Adderall), I would ideally take 20-20mg 4 times a day.  Instead I take 10-15mg throughout the day, and take 20mg at 4 or 5PM knowing that it will be in effect when I get home, when it is the most important for the relief from ADD.

I used to be the sort who needed the 1 or 1/2 hour after getting home to de-compress (especially after driving home in Los Angeles traffic). My kids used to be so excited when I came home (when they were 5-10 years old). I used to try and be up, and meet them with a smile, but I was like can you just give be a bit of space, and a little bit before you jump on me...     That was all before I knew I had ADD.  Now my kids are older, and I've been on meds for a little over 1 year.  Of course when I walk in the door, all happy, and wanting everyone to acknowledge that I am home, and happy to see everyone, no one gets up,  Unfortunately I trained them not to be excited about my being home.  Of course now I look back and see how miserable I must have looked and appeared to those around me.

I can only assume that since you husband is on medication for ADD, that he must be able to see clearer about his thinking, and how he is percieved by others. Now you must convince him that the most important thing in life is his family!  Jobs will come and go, friends, and hobbies come and go, but that in the end what really matters are his childern, and the family he made.  I know that at the time I of course thought I was doing the best I could, I was supporting a stay at home mother in the hard financial times, with 2 kids.  Looking back with clarity, I of course say, well perhaps we would have lived in not as nice a place, or lived as nice as we could have, but those are all controlled by outside circumstances, like bosses, company share holders, etc..  The one thing in his life he has almost complete control over is the happiness of his family.

I really liked what was said about touching him gently.  That is so try after growing up until 45 years old, thinking the world was against me, or more specifically, all the stupid ones in the world were out to get me, and keep me down.  It is also essential to communicate, both of you.  I know in my case, the one half of the communications, the emotional side, was never factored into anything my wide said to me.  I would always reason out the situation, and dismiss the emotional aspect as un-essential, and distracting.  Now of course I see that the emotional side of human communcations is equally important.  This is a whole new way of communicating for your husband, and you also have to be ready for what are probably his un-explored, or realized feelings.

I hope things work out well for the two of you.  In terms of consuling, try going together for couples consuling. I am sure he would be more receptive to that idea (I was).

I think you and I are married to the same man.

Temper tantrum Saturday night about dress socks . . .dress socks.  

I can't take much more of this

Well just from my own perspective (saying that i was just recently diagnosed with severe ADHD), I think there might be a few things that could be done. I used to get really defensive when people tryed to correct me, I felt like they were attacking me. Make sure that he knows your not attacking him, if you came here for some answers obviously you care enough about him/the family to try to work it out.

The job issue is tough. I work every other semester as a coop (cooperative education) and I do engineering work for a company. I sit behind a computer all day or look up parts for my designs (if i decided to do work that day which was rare). It drives me nuts. So I can sympathize with him on that and it puts you in a bad mood after work.
Since I found out recently I felt pretty bad with having ADHD, still do. But the best thing was how much my family and friends supported me. Since he has probably been diagnosed for awhile, he might feel like that support just isn't there anymore even though it probably is. Let him know, after awhile he might warm up a bit more. Communication, especially in relationships with ADD is vital. He probably doesn't want to see a counsler because:
He is a man, we do not like to think of ourselves as weak, counsling seems like we are less of a man then (thats how I felt). He probably also thinks that he made it this far with out any help, why should he get it now. But what he doesn't realize is the benefits, quality of life is alot higher and he can appreciate the people in his life more. But you can't force him to go, because that won't help. Maybe having him do research about it and have him talk to other people with ADD might persuade him a little more seeing that he is not alone. His anger issue might be similar to mine. I hate feeling helpless and with ADHD I feel that way. I also would beat my self up when I wouldn't do well on something (at work or school) because I couldn't get motivated and stressing out didn't help. I was more angry with myself but it naturally came out against those around me, especially my mother who has always been there for me. The sooner he can get help with counseling, the better for everyone, he will notice a different and enjoy more of life.

Since you have a kid (Im only 21 so I can't relate to much to this issue but I will try to give my 2 cents) this can be a good way to help him. When I talked to my dad, the things he has enjoyed most were the activities he did with me and my brother. He would find a common interest and get involved, which was great when I was younger knowing that my dad cared and wanted to spend time with me even though he hated his job. He did boyscouts with me (which took up countless tuesday nights and his weekend off each month) and it meant the world to me. We look back and laugh at some of those funny moments of times we had a great weekend camping and building model rockets and such. Even though he gave up alot of his free time he loved to do it because of me.

I consider myself "a manly man" so it was hard to accept and start the changes. But its worth it. I know you probably feel overwhelmed but if he is willing to work at it, things will get alot better. Sorry this was long and probably not really arranged but my father was one of my largest impacts on my life so I am offering what I can. Good luck and if you want to talk anymore, private message me because I've got to run to class.

 - and thats about all I got to say on this subject.

I know that I am often percieved as being self-centered. But I think that is just because I seem to require 100% of my energy just to be able to take care of myself. And my attention issue makes it very easy to overlook what is going on around me.

But I guess if I require 100% of my focus and energy just to take care of myself, I am by definition self-centered.

Cheeky does have a good point here. Maybe we are all too quick to say with certainty what is or is not related to ADD. The doctors often have difficulty.

So I guess it is more accurate for me to say that the symptoms I mentioned as being "definately" ADD, are really symptoms I have experienced with my ADD. I am only speaking from personal experience.

 

 

Communicating differently does not mean acting self-centered or aggressive. You may have read the books but that doesn't mean you have any insight into her relationship. People with ADHD are not self-centered if they can focus on others feelings (and they can). They're not always aggressive either. No book can substitute personal experience.

cheekydeeky38292.8159375 Have you read any books about ADD and Relationships? If he does have ADD communicating is key. People with and with out ADD do communicate differently. Think about what you're saying and what she's asking...she's asking us to diagnose her husband with ADHD. She's also associating aggressive, self-centered behavior with ADHD. Do you really want her making those assumptions? Do you want her having us diagnose her husband? If she wants us to diagnose ADHD why couldn't I diagnose NPD? I have people in my life with NPD, I know what it looks like and I know EXACTLY what I'm saying.as a add male at 36 and still married at 14+ years, just starting treatment, I agree that we(male adder's) shoud do more around the house, things that my wife has done that has helped

GO OUT ON DATES WEEKLY! when we are broke we used to go sit near the airport and watch the planes land and take off, and have a picnic lunch, don't forget that you are a couple first and parents second. When the kids are grown only you two will be left.

touch will work wonders, a light touch on the back of the hand will get my attention back to her faster than a shotgun blast. So when you need somthing remembered or you need his attention touch and get him to look at you,

her shouting from across the room has no effect, think of it as being deaf. Because I really don't hear it.

and yes a stressfull day at work is hell, I need about a 1 and a 1/2 to regroup and reengergize,

as for not remembering what I've agreed to and accusing her of not telling  me what is going on, I too am guilty  of that and yes I really did belive that I had not been told,

 with the meds I remember more. I don't have any real answers on that one. I still do it to some degree, it's the worst if I get told/agree to somthing while I am driving. It's gone, there is just not any recall of that info.

 The strangest thing is when I first started catching myself having lost focus, then I knew.
all of this realization was after I started meds, he is on meds but it sounds like they are not working if the symptoms are still there.

and a chores list works wonders, I don't like it, but just like the lists I keep at work help me at home.

Hey cheeky, you make me very nervous throwing out names of personality disorders like that.  You are probably not qualified to diagnose, if you were you would know better than to do it from an on line description.  Let's not get carried away here.  He does sound like a narcisistic sort of guy, but let's let the therapist do the diagnosing. 

Newfree, I like what Marco and Chaz said.  Don't worry about cheeky!

Hello,

My husband has ADD.  We have been married for 5 years.  We have one child.

I would like to know which of the following symptoms are ADD and which are not:

explosive anger

short term memory problems (he doesn't remember agreements we make and he doesn't remember things he says when we're arguing "I didn't say that"  "When did you tell me that?")

sarcasm

blaming

low stress tolerance

laziness

inablility to see the overall needs of the family and just considers his own "unwinding" time and "free" time as more important than relieving the stay-at-home mom in the evening and giving the child some attention so he doesn't have to throw all of his bad behavior out just to get attention from dad.

We have had a lot of problems throughout our marriage.  Having a child eclipses some of those problems and accentuates others.  I think we are heading for divorce - not so much for the reason that we have insurmountable problems, but because of the above mentioned characteristics of the person I am dealing with.  We can't get to the problems because there's all this sarcasm, explosive anger and blaming.

Is it the case that the reason my husband freaks out at my expectations (which are: spend time with son - 7 minutes a day is not enough - and do it because he should and he remembers to, not that I have to ask, remind, beg, cajole, etc. and do a reasonable amount of helping around the house - not zero amount which is the case 99% of the time.)

He wants "respect."  He blows up because he thinks I don't respect him.  But how can I respect him when he doesn't help?

Is it that he has to try soooooo hard to work his normal 8 hours a day - which according to my knowledge is not outragiously difficult for most people to accomplish - that he actually cannot deal with any other responsibility during the rest of the day?

I apologize if this sounds rude.  I am trying to figure out where the line falls regarding ADD or choice being the source of these behaviors.

 

Thank you.

New Free

The traits could be indirectly caused by ADD. However, it sounds like there are some character flaws mixed in there as well. Putting other people's needs before your own is something that needs to be taught. Alot of people, ADD or not, do not realize that it's the only way to find happiness, and that concept can really be a tough sell.

There is one thing you should be aware of though. An 8 hour a day 'job' is nothing but pure torture for a ADD person. Anytime your mind can't go places and be free causes almost physical pain, so there must be some limit on stressful things per day. Imagine yourself going somewhere every day for 8 hours and staring at a white wall and being forced not to blink the whole time. Then imagine yourself going home and having to babysit until bedtime. It can be done, and some days this must be done, but you should understand that your husband needs more chill time than a normal person to be happy.

I think you guys would be happier, if you could get by on less money, with part time jobs for both of you. The 'Rat Race' or 'Keeping Up with the Joneses' is a recipe for disaster for ADD types.

Hiya! (New to the forum, wife to adhd, mum to adhd)

Cast your mind back 5years ago and what was it that drew you to each other! ( It must have been something!) What ever it was try and work on that. Easier said than done, I know,  but just try it and make time for YOURSELVES!!!!!

Donna (Belive me,  I know it's hard )  I hope and pray it works out x

Some of these traits are directly ADD:

Memory problems, stress tolerance, and what you percieve as laziness all can be directly related to ADD. The percieved laziness may be just an inability to act due to difficulty in making decisions or prioritizing what to do next (many ADDers have great difficulty in this area). 

As for anger and sarcasm, that is sometimes a negative personality trait that develops after years of dealing with ADD. When you are ALWAYS the one who is wrong, it is easy to get defensive and nasty with people when they try to call you to task. Or he may just be that way (no way to tell).

Depending on what type of job he has, trying to stay focused for 8 hours straight can be absolutely exhausting for an ADDer. He may well feel like he has worked 16 hours. Treatment and medication can possibly help this.

Is he getting treatment?   

 

Wow, you just descrobed my brother to a t, scary.

Thank you all for your replies.

My husband has severe ADD.  Not extreme, but not mild.  He takes Ritalin.  I think the dosage is 15 mg (maybe 10) 3 or 4 times a day.  It wears off at 5 - 7 pm - family time, you know.

The idea about two part time jobs is interesting.  But how could we get benefits to pay for the Ritalin?

He doesn't go to counseling.  I have heard that medication plus counseling is more effective than just medication.  He balks at the idea anyway.

So, what drew us together 5 years ago?  Big ideas, codependence, rebound!  Let's see, positive stuff?  I'll get back to you on that one.  Well, ok, humor.

It's a good idea for us to make time for ourselves.  I'll work on that.

Ok, I can deal with the fact that the job can be hard for him.  But don't other parents with ADD/ADHD still HAVE to adjust and do something after work?  How can all these people be married and have kids if they don't?  I know that the non-ADD spouse has to do some adjusting, but what is usually and rightfully expected of the ADD spouse?  They all can't be doing nothing, right?  Do they go to coaches, therapists?  A suggestion that I've received elsewhere is that we make a list of what needs to be done and who's going to do it and at what time it needs to be done.  But my husband hates lists and says that work is as much structured time as he can take.  So, even though I've suggested these ideas that are meant for people with ADD, he doesn't accept them or follow through on them.  I have a 4 year child to take care of.  I can't go around making sure my 30 year old husband is doing what he needs to do.  And he'd say not to anyway.  There's this "don't expect anything from me" attitude that is very foreign to me and drives me up the wall.  His mother said that he is probably depressed also, but that is also something he has never dealt with.

Thanks again.  Please keep posting your insights!

 

Heh that was me before ADHD medication.I only know that if your ADHD and dont know it and dont take meds you dont see things that way.I grew up ADHD but they didnt call it that.I was"bad", "not trying", "hard headed", "selfish", you get the point.Now I'm 38 yrs and 1 year on meds after a divorce, remarriage almost lost, a DWI, and several other bad situations.I am almost in disbelief at the way I used to think.Now I focus, put my wife and kids before me, help around the house,and lots of other things that make everyone in the house feel happier.He should get treatment.You will be amazed at the difference it makes.I hope he can be convinced that he has a problem that is helpable.Good luck and I hope my 2 cents helped a little.Keep us posted as to how things are going.

Even though your husband won't go to counseling, and it would probably do your family the most good if he would, would you consider going on your own?  Nobody likes hearing this, but you can't fix him, or talk him into wanting to fix himself.  It sounds like you are a bit of a nagging mother to him, and you both resent it.  Counseling could help you figure out how not to do that, how to react to him in ways that don't make you crazy and make him worse, and how much you are willing to put up with before you need to walk away.

My husband is reading this over my shoulder and has just accused me of trying to start an on-line counseling career.  That probably means I have said enough.j

Good luck with your husband, I'm sure mine can relate to what you are going through, although he has been really good at not parenting me. (I know he has been tempted at times)

Your husband may want to ask his doctor abour switching to Concerta. It is like Ritalin but is time-released and maintains a pretty steady dosage for about 12 hours. I take mine about 7:00 Am before I leave for work. Then it starts wearing off around 7:00 and is gone by 9 or 10 (in time for bed).

If your husband refuses any coaching or counseling, that is not ADD. It is one thing to have ADD, but it is another to not try to take care of it.

Explain to him that an ADD coach or even a therapist dealing with ADD is not like going to a psychiatrist for some type of Freudiam analisys. He will not have to lay on a counch and talk about hating his father, etc. A good ADD coach is just that, a coach. He/she will give ideas on how to imrpove performance (such as organization, etc.). It is no different than a pro golfer or a baseball player going back to a coach for pointers.

I was 45 and did not know I had ADD. There were always major problems but we did not know why. It finally got to be too much for my wife and she told me I needed to go see a doctor or she was leaving me. Period. So I went.

That is not to suggest you do this, that is just what happened to me.  

As an ADDer, it is very difficult to prioritize and to understand what is a major issue or not. It is possible that your husband does not understand how important it is for hi to get coaching/counciling. Even if you tell him repeatedly, he may not really be able to descriminate between you being on the verge of leaving him and nagging about taking out the garbage. As an ADDer, I have spent my entire life hearing people complain, remind, nag, etc. It all starts to sound like the same noise. It is like someone left the radio turned on. So you may have to schedule a time to sit alone and make sure you really have his attention to explain how serious this is.

Just some food for thought.    

None of these traits that you mention are diagnostic symptoms of ADHD. Also, even if he did have it, what exactly could you as his wife do about it? Have you thought about going to seek medical help? If your husband is not willing to help himself, its pretty much a lost cause.

Also, a child in the picture is definitely an eclipse- and remember- eclipses are temporary. Once the child is no longer a child the old problems will return- and be worse than they were before because they were not addressed or resolved.

It sounds like your husband might have narcissistic personality disorder and, believe me, that is much different than ADHD.